Posted by daisym on February 16, 2005, at 0:24:49
In reply to Re: Yikes! Now I've done it! » Daisym, posted by Shortelise on February 15, 2005, at 23:23:17
<<<<<The question I would be asking myself is, why do I need to believe I am so taxing? What has happened to make me think that I am a "problem"? Why won't I allow myself to hear that I am not "too taxing"? What will happen to me if I am too taxing?
*********I don't know why I need to believe I'm too taxing...I just know it to be true. (Do I have to be the worst to deserve therapy?) I know that my training has always been be the care taker, not someone to be taken care of. If I'm too taxing, he will "leave me." Either completely or by emotionally backing off.
He has told me a thousand times he is OK with how much I need him. He encourages me to reach out to him between sessions if I need to. He is honest about when he is working, when he is busy and when he is tired. He is clear if he calls me that he has 5 minutes or 50. He knows I can't tolerate being intrusive or impolite, even on accident. (That makes me bad.) He pushes me to recognize that allowing myself to need him and to meet this need is the core item of my therapy. He tells me if I push a boundary, or even cross one, we will talk about it. The world won't end. He might even get mad, but more likely, I'll get mad at him. The world won't end then either. This is hard for me to believe.
He tells me often that he takes good care of himself. We talked about his physical health last week. I said I didn't expect him to really tell me, he said he absolutely would, given my history, because it would only be fair to me. I believed him. He has shared with me his support system. But still...
I think I've read too much lately about compassion fatigue and how hard it is to work with those of us who suffered sexual abuse and are trying to process those memories. So much of the literature warns against working with people like me...
I guess I feel out of control and I'm looking for reassurances. Maybe I want to be his favorite client (blushing) -- but I don't have romantic feelings for him. Mostly I think I want to make sure he can handle this new, deeper level of feelings we are in. How this connects to his other clients is beyond me.
Thanks for the hugs.