Posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 23:46:31
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on September 15, 2004, at 23:14:19
It is awfully hard. What you shared is beautiful and tragic. I took over running our household at 12 because my mother worked 6 days a week in a man's job (!) and my dad had moved very far away. Before he left, we lived in a war zone. They fought all he time and/or he was angry with us kids. Egg-shell walking was a gold medal event at my house. But I was his favorite for a very long time...but the wrong kind of favoritism. And what she is telling us now is that she did attempt to fight back, to say no as she got older. And that was met with anger and brutality. And I'm just devasted. I guess because it is easier to think that what he did he did because he loved me too much, not because he was meeting his own needs. And it is harder and harder for me to believe that when she is telling all this other stuff. Ultimately, he left her. Moved away. So I've very recently figured out that confrontations for me are very hard because I assume abandonment will be the outcome. It is a subtle thing. But I have the best diplomacy skills of anyone I know so that we never get to the confrontation stage. But here at home, illness and medications make reasoning impossible sometimes. There are tremendous outbursts (steroids at work) and temper tantrums. So she feels like I've put her in an abusive situation again. Yet I feel like I have a responsibility to take care of things and deal with this.
My therapist navigates this by asking me to take baby steps to protect her. To stand up for myself (and her) just a little. He also wants me to see that letting her tell her stories is a way of letting her stand up for herself. But I see this as confrontation and we go right back to the abandonment fears.
I'm glad my therapist is a smart a**. He lightens things at just the right time and gently teases me about certain things. He gets his point across pretty effectively that way. He also remembers to promise the child things she needs...like the fact that it is her turn or that she can call him. I've also noticed that when we have a really hard session or week, he often gives me some small piece of information about his life. It is clearly a trade..."you trusted me with something of your life, so I'm trusting you with something of my life". It feels like a sweet gift of sorts. Not big things...just tiny things, like where he was from originally or his favorite book. But it is bonding somehow. I think it provides a level of balance. (or I'm completely wacked out and looking for things...)
Have you ever asked your therapist how he takes care of himself? I'm thinking about doing that tomorrow. I need to reassure myself that he does have the resources and supports he needs.
poster:daisym
thread:391233
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040911/msgs/391368.html