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Re: Therapy today

Posted by DaisyM on May 26, 2004, at 13:12:40

In reply to Re: Therapy today DaisyM, posted by Pfinstegg on May 25, 2004, at 22:26:37

<<<<When I write this down, I wonder how I ever managed to grow up, marry a great guy, go to grad school, have a carreer I really liked, and also have a wonderful son. I guess the answer is dissociation! For some reason, my defences came crashing down several years ago, and all of this is causing me much more distress than it did previously, when I think I was mainly intent on NOT thinking about any of it.

>>>>That is exactly what is happening to me! I thought so much of my life successes were "inspite of" what happened. In fact, I pretty much had compartmentalized the abuse to a small time frame and a "few" incidences. We've spent a lot of time in therapy talking about why it is all coming out now, so I think I have a handle on that part. What continues to surprise me is how much I didn't have active memories of. I would have told you that I was choosing not to think about it but I would never have said I didn't know exactly what happened to me. But I had no idea of the extent of it. And what I really didn't know was how badly I wanted my mom to see what was happening and save me.

And it surprises me how painful that realization is. I think that is the youngest part of my kid self -- missing her mother and really needing her to make it all better. Sometimes I still want that. Which is why I often look to see if I am developing some kind of maternal transference with my Therapist. I don't know whether this would be good or bad. I'm just kind of watching out for it. I know it happened at least once, he described me as "metaphorically clinging to him desperately" which was a pretty accurate description of how I felt at the time. I'm lucky that he was totally OK with this and made himself ultra-available until it eased off. And then helped me not feel bad about the neediness.

Thank you for sharing so much. I hope we can keep talking about this. It helps tremendously.




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