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Re: Therapy today Speaker

Posted by DaisyM on May 26, 2004, at 19:48:54

In reply to Re: Therapy today DaisyM, posted by Speaker on May 26, 2004, at 14:32:50

Speaker,

I hope you can bring it up in therapy. I totally understand that defense of "just tell me what you know, think and recommend and I'll go do it." But the truth is, my younger self just wants to be heard. She wants someone to KNOW how she FELT, not just know what happened. She wants to be sad, and scared and angry. And she wants to express her shame and how responsible she feels. So it wouldn't matter what I know, it is what she wants to say.

I can't even begin to tell you my struggle with acknowledging this. I yoyo between trying to understand these inner voices and feelings and just letting her tell the actual events. I keep checking this way of describing things out with my Therapist, because it still feels so odd to me to talk about myself in pieces and parts. He tells me to stop struggling with that. It is OK. I'm not getting worse and I'm not DID. It is a form of splitting, so he thinks it makes perfect sense that there is a young girl frozen by trauma.

Today was sooo very hard. I knew it was her turn to talk and I knew what she wanted to say. But I didn't think I could hear it. My Therapist helped a lot because he said, "she wants me to know. And I can handle it. And I'll help you hear it too." So she told him. And we all cried. First time he has ever had to hand me the tissue! (And, yes, I apologized for crying...I can't seem to not do that.)

And then he put me back together so I could face the world. I feel like I'm wearing a sign that everyone can see: "therapy basketcase here" but he reassures me that they can't.

As far as needing him goes, maybe YOU don't but your youngerself does. It actually helped me to accept this part, because somehow these intense feelings feel young and seem much more appropriate for a wounded young girl. But I cringed each and everytime he would verbalize my need for him, or my fear about him leaving. But the need to talk about it and get reassurance won out over the pride part of the adult.

Hang in there. Let me know how it goes. And of course you can come and play with us. Bring your jump rope.

 

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