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Survival Homework (long)

Posted by DaisyM on May 21, 2004, at 16:52:06

If you've been following my posts this week you might already know that the topics for therapy have been sex and meds. And urgency and anxiety. Ick.

Today is a very bad day. I've been suffering all morning, splitting completely between my adult self and my child self. I stayed home from work, which I almost never do. And I talked to my Therapist for 45 minutes on the phone, mostly just crying my eyes out about being back in this painful remembering place. He talked to the adult me for a while and then to the kid me. We talked about "her" and about this tantrum she is having and why. He wants me to journal what I'm feeling in the aftermath of these discussions, allowing both voices out. I'm supposed to try to not put her away because he promised she would have time to talk to him on Monday. I'd love some input on how everyone else journals. Do you ever write in two voices? I'd also like to know if talking about sex with your Therapist has triggered off a split or other emotions. Or talking about meds. I guess maybe I just want someone to talk back to me about what is going on. And I'm sorry I'm writing out all these long things. I don't want to just journal to me right now. Please be patient.

So this is what has been happening, and why I think "she" is out so strongly right now.

I initiated the talking about sex conversation. It wasn't as hard to do as I thought it would be. He asked all the questions in the right way and kept it light in the right moments. I was, of course, curled up on the couch, feet tucked up, pillows in lap, in a defensive posture. But I felt very, very safe and was able to really look at how the past is effecting the present. It was basically a two day discussion, which included how I get emotionally flooded after sex and feel so alone and awful. And how sad that is. Yesterday we talked more about the middle of the night. How I wake up and feel so alone and lost and scared. We talked about the triggers and flashbacks. He thinks I should talk to my MD about sleeping pills, he thinks they would help. He said he is worried about me not coping well when I'm tired. We also talked about depression and what being depressed means. He said I'm so borderline that he isn't sure what ADs will do for me. He was frank about his concern that they will get in the way of feeling what I need to feel. Plus he thinks I might run from therapy if the meds make me feel better, even thought I still have a lot of work to do. I told him there were some new memories but I wasn't ready to talk about them. And I thought sleeping more was a great idea.

Last night I was totally feeling hurt and abandoned. I kept trying to understand these feelings. My kidself was really tantruming basically telling me our discussion of medications made her feel like she should stay asleep and not bother anyone else. with her pain. She doesn't want to be silenced nor anesthetized. She doesn't trust me to take care of her because I keep putting her away. She has a lot to say. She wants to talk about these new memories, she doesn't care of "I'm" ready. She's tired of waiting behind the mountain of work.

When I talked on the phone with my Therapist this morning, he totally acknowledged what she was feeling. He said he completely understood why she was so upset. That she had ever right to tantrum, she had been silenced her whole life. And that for now, I should stop struggling with the "me, her, us" questions and just let her have her own voice. And let her need him. And he talked to her for a while directly, which was really weird but very soothing.

So, I'm supposed to keep it all together until Monday afternoon, even with her out. And call him if I need him. And write, write, write. So, I'm trying.




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