Posted by gardenergirl on May 13, 2004, at 13:46:56
In reply to Re: Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for » gardenergirl, posted by Aphrodite on May 12, 2004, at 17:37:01
Thanks for the support. It was hard to call him. I waited until late in the afternoon, but he called me back right after the session he was in when I left him a voice mail. He sounded concerned, but it was a bit weird on the phone. At the same time as he was saying that he could see me, he seemed to be asking about the situation in a way that I perceived to be in order to find out if I really NEEDED to see him or not. My guess is he was trying to determine if it was an emergency or if it was okay to meet the next day, without, perhaps, coming out and directly asking me. Or maybe it's just weird on the phone. Today, though, he said "I could sense there was some urgency there," so he was glad to see me today.
The issue is, essentially, that it can be really hard for me to be myself in group-type things at school. For some reason, I pick up on stuff quicker than others. Because I was never validated adequately as child, (or so the current understanding we have is), I need to be able to voice my knowledge and gain approval from faculty or bosses, etc. This can come across to others as intimidating. Now the dilemma for me is, and has always been: do I hold back or even "play less smart" in order to be more likeable? Because I really don't think of myself as intimidating at all, and that is not what I would want to be. It's very isolating. I don't have to be everyone's friend, but I think of myself as very approachable.
This has played out in group supervision at work in that the rest of my group are novices, and I have more life experience, clinical experience, and coursework under my belt (not to mention extra pounds, too, but that's another story). So part of me wants to say, "of course I get it! I've seen it before." and "I was like that two years ago, too. You'll get there, too." I don't know. Faculty, sometimes, treat me a bit special, too. And I know that is annoying to others. This has ALWAYS been an issue for me. It's hard to even talk about it without feeling like I am being conceited or something.
So I go back and forth between holding back and resenting it and just being myself and being "intimidating." Neither way is very satisfying. I need to be able to appreciate this trait just for myself in order to be more at ease with it. Then it won't matter about others' reactions, and I likely will not be so needy of attention.
Okay, feel like I am journalling here, and you just asked what the issue is. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the core of it that is so painful, without rationalizing some of the other stuff tied to it.
My T was great. Validating and challenging at the same time. Very productive, but hard session. I feel a bit like a wet dish rag that has dried in a stiff position. But I'm REALLY glad I called and got in to see him.
Thanks for your support,