Posted by gardenergirl on May 12, 2004, at 0:19:00
I got my Spring semester evaluation today in supervision. All of the clinical stuff involving my work with clients was excellent. This was from my supervisor. My boss, the director of the center, however, managed to sum up a CORE ISSUE for me in just two sentences of feedback. I feel so awful and triggered. I understand where this feedback is coming from (involving being a fast learner, which can intimidate the younger students), although I thought it was more his issue (as competition)rather than the group's. Either way, it's such a horrible conflict for me. For my entire life. It's a major theme of what I have been working on in sessions. To see it like that on paper....AAAARRRGH! That feedback doesn't help. What do I do differently? It seems like a lose/lose situation.
Anyway, I have decided to call my T to try to get another session late this week or to move my Monday afternoon session up to morning so that I can process this with him before the next meeting I have with my boss, which is Monday late morning. If I don't do this with my T, I KNOW I will be tempted to try to talk to my boss about it, to process it more with him. I don't think I can do that without breaking down, as I spent a great deal of time tonight just sobbing and feeling awful. The thought crossed my mind that "I feel like I am dying; it hurts so much." I can't say that I have told myself that before. I just couldn't stop crying. I didn't want my husband to comfort me, as that didn't feel like it would help. It just made me feel worse.
This may seem like a silly issue. But it really is core for me. I know my T will say that it hurts so much because the material is much more "available" to me now compared to then. I just can't get over seeing it written down like that.
So anyway, I am feeling really raw. I've never asked my T for an extra or early session. I do think it is the appropriate thing to do, but I guess I wonder what he will think about it. My last session with him was all about my needing a seal of approval from him that things in therapy were going okay. That we were progressing satisfactorally. So is calling my T part of progressing okay? Or is it a sign of a setback? AAAGH. I can't think clearly tonight!
Any feedback is welcome. I just feel like a puddle of raw mush.
Thanks for listening folks. Any advice, jokes, loving insults, etc. are welcome.