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Re: speaker, why is it so difficult Speaker

Posted by helenag on January 8, 2004, at 21:22:40

In reply to Why is it so difficult at times?, posted by Speaker on January 8, 2004, at 17:02:07

Speaker, Your comment is so very timely! I have been wondering the very same thing myself lately. Had a therapy appointment on Monday and left feeling baited and confused, mixed messaged. I don't know why I didn't challenge what my therapist said; maybe because I have grown used to being told my perceptions are off, of course he never meant that...blah, blah, blah. (sensitive me)

I have been of the mind lately, maybe others have been there too, that therapy requires more of strong backbone that exists in me right now. My therapist works with my pdoc, for whom I have very mixed feelings--it's a love-anger thing for him. Plus I have had a very rocky past eight months that included six hospitalizations and to this moment I could not tell you what the hell is in the back of it all. As if there is one single thing driving it all.

There are times that the situation proved so frustrating for everyone involved that I tended to go along with what everyone told me seemed to be wrong with me. I agree wholeheartedly with the use of alcohol. I am a recovering alcoholic. However, I now have borderline traits tagged onto my original diagnosis--and the funny thing is: this pdoc never knew me when I was well and functioning...and there were times when I have been well.

Now it seems I am mired in this therapy mental health stuff and it is like quicksand. Going to therapy reminds me of everything awful that transpired these past eight months--all my faults, everything I grieve about, and worse: everything I put my husband and children through with being gone in the hospital, esp. worrying my husband.
It has taken a toll on my relationship with my husband. I feel I can no longer talk with him about what is going on with me inside because not only is stupid and mental but because I feel he needs to be spared from it. As a consequence, I feel myself growing apart from him. That saddens me greatly.

Things are not good at all for me right now. I get along better when I just forget all this and act day to day like nothing is wrong. I feel extremely ashamed of myself on top of it. My pdoc told me I make myself sick. That's a fine way to talk to a patient. To me that's saying, there's nothing wrong with you; you make it all up and do it to yourself. You are one sick fu--.

Sorry to be so down here. It helps to share. I hope someone can cheer me up.




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