Posted by helenag on January 10, 2004, at 13:37:20
In reply to Re: why is it so difficult » helenag, posted by antigua on January 10, 2004, at 8:44:36
Perhaps the issues I had with my father were not as serious or traumatic as yours? My father was very verbally abusive and punitive. I never endured any physical abuse.
It took about twenty years to work through all of it. And I still can have things come up now and again, especially because he lives nearby and he is still, even as he gets older, unstable in mood. It's funny how my children, as they grew up, came to see that there was something not "normal" about grandpa. That was very validating for me, somehow.
I read somewhere recently about a pyschiatrist who worked with senior citizens. Some of the seniors were still upset with their parents--parents who had been in their graves for over fifty years.
I have no road map as to how things came to this place for me in regards to my father. There was a lot of suffering involved, that much is true. I was on the outs with him for a time--and I think that may have been a turning point. It hurt him badly. That's when I think I realized that, the man is limited. I always said to myself, this is supposed to be my father! I could never bring myself to sit on his lap or do the daddy-daughter thing. That was never an option for me, never was something for me that I saw my girlfriends do. Never. It wasn't safe. I couldn't trust him not to turn nasty any second.
I stopped wishing he would be different. I took what he could give me, which, when he is okay, is okay, I guess. I know he loves me in the way he can love me. I know he tries, and he does have mental illness, just like me.
Peace, Helen
poster:helenag
thread:298249
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040110/msgs/299024.html