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Re: helenlag, why is it so difficult

Posted by antigua on January 9, 2004, at 19:43:28

In reply to Re: antigua, why is it so difficult antigua, posted by helenag on January 9, 2004, at 15:51:13

I'm so sorry that things are so unsettling. We have more in common than I originally thought. My "bigger" problems w/my husband started about six months ago when I stopped drinking. I had to because it was starting to really get in the way of my life. I was under heavy pressure from therapy and my only (or at least I thought) release was to drink. Well, as you know that doesn't work, at least not forever. I made the decision to quit and did an outpatient program. But quitting was only the beginning. W/no artificial defenses left, I had to start facing all the emotional turmoil that I was stuffing down. My husband couldn't handle it. I had had bouts of depression before over the years, but nothing like this. (It seems to get worse everytime, even if the episodes are years apart.) So now I'm trying to deal w/all of my issues on my own--or at least w/o the help of my husband. He hates my father w/a passion and since my father is the source of my agony, I feel very alone in my quest for wellness.

My husband is embarrassed by what happened to me as a young girl. I told him I told one of my very good friends about being abused and he was horrified--horrified that this friend would pity him for what he has to go through. Sometimes he jokes that it's all about him, but in my heart I think he really believes that. As if my troubles are an embarrassment to him.

Furthermore, like you, when I am better (as I do believe I am now), he is on my case about working, and how I'm not contributing enough to the family income, etc., etc. I'm standing my ground on this one. I have to be well to work and he will just have to wait. He has always tried to manipulate me to make me feel guilty (or at least I've always viewed it that way; I know I could be projecting), but I do believe I'm doing the right thing.

It may be the right thing but it is hurting our relationship. On our last anniversary, when we were discussing the durability of our long-standing relationship he actually said to me that if he was going to leave me, he would have left me already. He couldn't understand why I was so crushed by that remark. I've always thought he would never leave me.

Finally, I do know that as I get better and more assertive he does feel threatened. I can't help that, I can just try to be sensitive to his needs.

Enough said. This man is my soul mate but if at some point this no longer works out, I believe it will be my decision and not his. I just have to believe that.

good luck,




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