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Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too?

Posted by Rigby on January 7, 2004, at 10:25:36

In reply to Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too? Rigby, posted by crushedout on January 6, 2004, at 21:11:25

It's really, really tough but the goal here is for you to stop focusing on her and get the focus back on you. One of the main things about crushes as you probably know, is that they are Huge Distractions from thinking about and feeling other stuff; in many ways they're like drugs. I say this only b/c I've been there. Parsing her words, etc.--waste of time. She's a smart woman who probably enjoys her profession; she's not gonna risk it and she's not gonna throw her profession and marriage away. Probably in her mind she got a bit off track, was flattered and she's moving on. I don't know, no one does, but it's best to look at it this way if you can. The fact that she's relieved means that she doesn't want this tension--she wants to do her job. You can push boundaries if that's what feels good--but try and figure out why you're doing it. Try and see how you've done it in the past and why. Use the process to figure yourself out.
> oh rigby that makes me so depressed but you're probably right. except, hidden meanings? i mean, she *told* me she was confused, enjoyed my crush on her. do you enjoy someone's crush when it's not reciprocated at least somewhat? i don't.

It's tough but I think you need to deal with the fact that she's not going to. The more you try and get people to tell you they think she's obsessed or whatever with *you* the more you're just fueling your fantasies. I say this because I did this for a while but in the end a decent therapist--and it sounds like she's above-board, isn't gonna do this. Not gonna happen. Once I think you let it go you'll move on.
> ok, but that doesn't mean she'll actually break down and sleep with me.

Again, try and take the focus off her. If she's good you won't get any more information. She will not tell you about how she feels towards her husband and she won't tell you about how she feels towards you. She will want to hear all about how you feel. You do need to keep in mind that you are obsessed with someone you don't know--you may know a few things but chances are, you don't know much. Think about how well you know friends--you know jack about this woman compared to that. And it'll remain so. And then think about how you can't live without her. The two don't fit. It's something way beyond who she is. You've given her all these attributes but you don't know her. Try and just look at that. She should also be encouraging you to examine that. It's a very deep transference you're working through and it's very, very much not about this woman.
> i don't know what to think. i guess i need her to tell me straight up. but she told me that us being lovers "could never happen" and yet i still don't believe it. i refuse to believe it.
> i guess i'd need her to be really kinda cruel, and tell me she simply isn't attracted to me, or that she's desperately in love with her husband. but see, i'm afraid that even from a realistic perspective, those two statements are unlikely to be true.
> p.s. *what* life outside of therapy? (sadly, i'm only half-joking.)
> > Crushed,
> >
> > I think she's onto yah. ;)
> >
> > I think you will probably have to let go of trying to find hidden meanings and wishing and hoping and praying she's gonna break and sleep with you. Especially now that it's in the open I'm guessing she's realized her mistake and wants to focus on the work that lays ahead. And my guess is she's relieved about that. She wants to help you. In order for a therapist to be effective they have to be able to walk inside your head. But they also need to keep one foot outisde to be effective too. It sounds like she erred a bit in the direction of being into your head and has corrected herself. Mine did this too. You may keep trying (I did) but chances are if she's good she'll make certain to draw clear boundaries. Again, I may be projecting my experience onto yours but if I had to guess, if she's good, she'll be firmer in the future.
> >
> > This process has been very intense for you. If you can use what's just happened to you in therapy to examine your life outside the room that'll be awesome. If you don't, if we all don't, then heck all we're doing is helping our therapists put braces on their kids' teeth.
> >
> > > So, I still haven't seen my T since our last visit, when she apologized for hurting me. (See above thread: "OK, what do you all think of this???")
> > >
> > > But, because I'm a silly girl, I emailed her on Friday and said, "I know we can't be lovers, but can we please do this?" and I attached a sickeningly cute picture of two kittens cuddling (spooning, to be exact).
> > >
> > > She replied that it cracked her up (of which I'm glad -- I was hoping to make her laugh with it), but also that she was cracking up partly from relief and that now she was sure we could work through this. I'm confused. What's her logic? Why would that make her feel relieved, do you think?
> > >
> > > I guess I'll ask her when I see her on Tuesday, but I'm wondering if you guys have any guesses because it perplexes me. I was only half-joking of course. I would love to cuddle with her.
> >
> >




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