Posted by kara lynne on September 14, 2003, at 16:05:45
I miss my ex-boyfriend so much. God I miss him. I just ache in my heart. There is no end to these tears, and no relief when I shed them. I went to the movies last night with a friend, and all I wanted was to have him next to me again, so I could rest my head on his shoulder. We did that a lot.
I pictured him out on Saturday night with someone new and exciting, not even having the time to think about me. And I'm so tired I don't even want to go anywhere--and I have to work hard to make up places to go to begin with.
He crossed the line, and treated me so badly the last night we were together that I could never trust him again. If I love myself at all I could never justify staying with him unless I minimize what happened--as he did. The only reason to stay would be pure desperation and the absolute belief that there will never be anyone else for me. I'm still not at all unconvinced of that.
The other night my friend and I listened to some bad folk singer bleating out popular songs at a coffeehouse nearby. Still I couldn't sit through the Beatle's, "I Will” without losing it. My friend finally said we had to leave because it was making me cry too much." Will I wait a lonely lifetime...
It's been about three months and I'm still this raw. If I gave into myself I would stay in bed for the rest of my life. He was mean, but I miss him. He was mean, but he was sweet sometimes. He meowed better than any man I've ever met. He had beautiful eyes. I loved his voice. Very deep and film noir. It was almost like he came from another era--with fedoras and cigars and trenchcoats.
Talk about romanticizing the past. Someone slap me before I get the vapors.
Last night I dreamt that he asked me to marry him. It was so real; he called and without any reservation told me clearly and strongly that he wanted to marry him--something he could never seem to do in real life.
But I woke up, unfortunately, and here I am. Will it ever stop? I still think about my first boyfriend, how can I expect to get over my last?
I'm sorry to sound like a love-sick country western song, but that's what I feel like. A walking love-sick country western song.
I really miss him so much, and it's taking every ounce of strength I have not to call him.
poster:kara lynne
thread:259975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/259975.html