Posted by Susan J on September 14, 2003, at 17:20:57
In reply to Hopelessly missing him., posted by kara lynne on September 14, 2003, at 16:05:45
Kara Lynne,
I don't know you and don't know what happened, but your story could be a carbon copy of mine.
>
> He crossed the line, and treated me so badly the last night we were together that I could never trust him again. If I love myself at all I could never justify staying with him unless I minimize what happened--as he did. The only reason to stay would be pure desperation and the absolute belief that there will never be anyone else for me. I'm still not at all unconvinced of that.
<<<Don't stay with him. Whatever it was, was bad enough to shock you into getting away from him. Honor that feeling. There's a reason for it.And I'm sure you'll find someone new. And even if you didn't, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who hurts you/disrespects you/makes you feel worthless....
>>Will I wait a lonely lifetime...
<<Not a lifetime. There will be lonliness, but not forever. Small comfort, that, I know. :-)>
> It's been about three months and I'm still this raw. If I gave into myself I would stay in bed for the rest of my life. He was mean, but I miss him. He was mean, but he was sweet sometimes. He meowed better than any man I've ever met. He had beautiful eyes. I loved his voice. Very deep and film noir. It was almost like he came from another era--with fedoras and cigars and trenchcoats.
<<That's OK to love parts of him. There had to be *something* good about him to make you love him, right? That's fine. But the bad must have outweighed the good, and it's important to know you don't deserve to put up with the bad.> Last night I dreamt that he asked me to marry him. It was so real; he called and without any reservation told me clearly and strongly that he wanted to marry him--something he could never seem to do in real life.
<<I still have dreams like that about my ex. Very annoying. I hate them. Don't want to feel *anything* good for him right now....much easier to be mad and hateful.>
> But I woke up, unfortunately, and here I am. Will it ever stop? I still think about my first boyfriend, how can I expect to get over my last?
<<Me, too. Takes me a long, long time to get over someone.....but it *does* happen.> I really miss him so much, and it's taking every ounce of strength I have not to call him.
<<First instinct I had is to say, don't call! My ex contacted me last week after not speaking for 3 months or so. I *hated* that he tried to creep back into my life. He, too, did something horrible, unforgivable. But apparently he went away with friends for a long weekend, told them what he had done to me, and they slaughtered him for it. He finally sees the error of his ways and sincerely apologized to me. THe healthy thing for me to do would have been to walk away, but then I think the Christian, or at least more evolved thing, would have been to truly forgive someone who sought forgiveness, right?I thought about it a couple of days, and told him he had two choices. Either leave me alone totally, not even hi and bye. Or he could try really hard to fix what he had broken. That would have taken a lot of effort on his part -- apologies, doing things to show his character was being built back up, etc. And he told me he wasn't ready to do those things. He knew he was screwed up and it was all his fault, but he's not healthy enough to be strong like that and repair his character and perhaps my faith in him.
Hurt. But was good to know the honest truth there. There were some good things about him, no doubt. He was the sexiest man I've ever met, too. But he has come to terms with the fact he's not strong enough to be healthy, nor is he anywhere near strong enough to build character. It's one thing to maintain good character, a whole other thing to try and build it from scratch, especially when you don't even know what you are supposed to do/be....
Anyway, if you *do* call, perhaps you'll see he's not all that anymore. Perhaps there's enough emotional distance now to see his flaws more clearly. I don't know that -- only *you* know if you are ready for that, or if it's still early and you'll be drawn back in.
Good luck. You're not weird to still love someone who hurt you. Just try to love yourself even more than you love him. After all, *you* know that *you* are worth it. He's proven, at least for now, that he's not.
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:259975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/260007.html