Posted by morgan miller on February 27, 2011, at 1:09:07
In reply to Re: Ferber, posted by Dinah on February 26, 2011, at 19:06:23
>But I'm not sure I am in favor of holding well intentioned parents doing the best they can do to blame for things like not giving eye contact or not having joy or even for leaving them crying when they needed comfort because their doctor advised that that was what good parents do. What is the point?
The emotions you express to your child have great impact on the way they feel about themselves. A child learns to love themselves through the ability of a parent to express their love for a child. I remember my therapist(phd in clinical psychology) saying that a parent is supposed to be happy and excited to see their child after being separated for a period of time. This helps create a stronger bond and tells the child how much you care about them and their presence, which then creates an environment in which they can learn that they really truly matter. Also, parent's emotional reactions also help children develop the same emotions. There's a reason why there is such intensive therapy applied to autistic children that involves animated emotions of joy, happiness, celebration, etc.
Why is it important to make a big deal out of things like this? One reason is to help more people realize that often times we are not simply born certain ways. Sure there is a genetic predispostion, but environmment is just as much a factor or more in a child being able to develop the healthiest way possible giving what they are born with. As parents we can and do make a huge difference. The more we keep saying, "Oh I was just born this way", or, "My child was just born this way", the better and better the chances that we do not make progress and continue to think that there is/was no way to prevent or influence, and medication is the only answer. Additionally, raised awareness over the impact parents have on their children would hopefully translate to more people deciding to make sure they have done what they can to be as psychologically sound as possible before having children in the first place.
Please don't take this as a criticism or like I'm being harsh. I'm not someone that plays the blame game. I love my parents to death and totally forgive them for all their mistakes and shortcomings. But, I will never say, "it's o.k. that my parents fell far short of giving me what I needed because they were well intentioned and didn't know any better". Do things like this make it easier to forgive them, yes. Does the fact that I know they really do and did love me make it easier to forgive them, yes. Still, they were responsible. My parents didn't realize it while they were doing it, but they f*ck*d up big time. That's usually the case when we are f*ck*ng up, we have no clue how much we are doing so while we are doing it.
Morgan
poster:morgan miller
thread:979678
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110220/msgs/979850.html