Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2011, at 19:06:23
In reply to Re: Ferber » morgan miller, posted by floatingbridge on February 26, 2011, at 14:19:47
I want to be clear that I didn't mean to be critical of daycare or even Ferber. The kids of the parent I know who recommended that to me seem perfectly fine.
I was just pointing out that these things happen whether or not a mother is depressed. And that any harm that can come from a lack of deep joy in a mother's eyes can come from any number of other causes that are perfectly normal to childhood.
I guess I just don't see the point of pointing out that something beyond a parent's control can be harmful. Sure. Any number of things beyond a parent's control can be harmful. I think it's more helpful to point out the importance of behaviors that are healthy for a child, and to reduce behaviors that may cause psychic harm. From the point of view of future children, that seems a more sensible approach.
From the point of view of a current adult child, is it necessary to assign blame for something unintentional? Different people have different needs. It can be needs that weren't met in childhood. It can be that needs were met but the ability for a child to meet those needs him/herself wasn't taught. For whatever reason, at this point it is perfectly reasonable to seek to fill those needs, or to seek to learn how to fill them ourselves.
I'm all for holding parents accountable for abuse or neglect. But I'm not sure I am in favor of holding well intentioned parents doing the best they can do to blame for things like not giving eye contact or not having joy or even for leaving them crying when they needed comfort because their doctor advised that that was what good parents do. What is the point? Doesn't that just cause more problems by holding parents to perfectionistic standards, and by extension holding those same standards to ourselves?
It's not ideal to be depressed and a parent. It's not ideal to be colicky and a baby. It's not ideal to have a physical infirmity that limits mobility as a parent. Long hours in daycare is not ideal. A lot more things are not ideal than are.
As long as we can identify our current needs and map out a strategy to have our needs met, does it really matter?
I'm not talking about gross neglect or abuse. I'm talking about not having joy in the eyes or having reward centers light up. I'm talking about responsible childcare or the ferber method.
poster:Dinah
thread:979678
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110220/msgs/979835.html