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buprenorphine: Week 3

Posted by pseudoname on December 3, 2005, at 20:46:34

In reply to Re: the Significant Crest » pseudoname, posted by ed_uk on November 30, 2005, at 15:18:28

I've been on buprenorphine for depression for 2˝ weeks. I'm now at 2-3 mg/day, which is WORKING(!) and tolerable but not scot-free. I'm cautiously optimistic.

I took a drug holiday Thursday for various reasons, but mostly so that I could POOP. It was an ordeal. For the constipation, I'm doing Miralax, milk of magnesia (only 1 week, I know), lots of water, a high-fiber diet... Wax suppositories don't quite seem to reach the problem, but I stocked up on 'em just in case. I haven't pooped again in the last 48 hours.

Buprenorphine helps me a lot. It varies unpredictably from about 40% to 100% relief, but I hope I will recognize what level I'm getting as each day goes on and maybe figure out how to optimize that degree of relief to improve my life that day. That's I can't have 90+% every day!

It only works for 4-10 hourse at a time. It's still quite possible that tolerance to the good effect will set in, and bupe will poop out.

But this week I have seen what my thoughts are like without the depressive poison I've lived with for over 20 years. During one period of bupe's 100% effectiveness, for example, I spoke with a neighbor, and for once I wasn't imagining what she thought about me. I just talked to her. I enjoyed her company, but I didn't need for her to like me.

I can't convey how huge this difference is for me. Typically, 80% of my brain would be overheating with relentless, panicky ruminations in that situation and for 3 years after it. This time, they were just..... not there.

Also on bupe, when I thought about my childhood or my parents, I instantly realized things that I'd never noticed before. Despite years of psychoanalysis and obsessive psychologizing, I had never realized, for example, "I have a problem with my mother."

I'd actually done everything I could to step around this observation. If pressed in just the right way, after another 20 years I might've admitted that I was avoiding some issues there. But the other day, on bupe, it was as plain as day. I saw how that problem's framework goes through my whole adult history. I simply saw it instantly, without fear or sweating. Without evasion.

This was not recovered memory, catharsis, buried emotions, or "working through." It was buprenorphine. I was amazed.

Bupe is, for me, FOR NOW, a magic pill.




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