Posted by Barbara Cat on August 2, 2003, at 1:55:18
In reply to Re: Thanks Katy, Katia » Barbara Cat, posted by katia on August 1, 2003, at 14:37:27
I'm doing better today, thanks. Just sat with the anguish the last week (barely) and hung on and let myself cry. Have to remember that the pain of my Mom's death is still very raw and comes in waves. But - A reprieve today! Hope it sticks. With every new episode, THIS TIME is different, THIS TIME I'm really going to slip off the edge, THIS TIME I'm going to fall into that black pit forever. The mind is so weird, there's no reasoning with it in that state. The only med adjustment is allowing myself to take extra valium when I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin (Yo, Dr. Bob, psychopharm refs to follow). There's no reason to muscle through something like that. It's the flight/fight chemicals gone amuk, the amygdala caught in a loop. There's no reason to not seek relief from such debilitation. I used to be such a damn stoic, but no more. Give me drugs that work!!! And while we're at it - WE NEED A NEW DRUG!!!!
Bikram yoga, ah, how I wish. I live in a rural area where Bikram yoga would be considered the backyard of the Devil's playground. I'd love to have that kind of community. There is a new Zen monastery not terribly far away and I'm availing myself of it. I do yoga on my own and lots of belly dance, which is my drug of choice. I'm in my cave experience right now and not seeking other people. Most I encounter are crass disgusting jackasses, and those I'd like to hang out with are hiding out as well. This will eventually change as I mend.
The energy moving disciplines are at least as good as any med out there. It's just finding the motivation and clarity to START. I know this very well and yet when I'm in the grip of a bad one, there's nothing that can move me through it except time, love and tenderness (to quote Michael Bolton). ;-)