Posted by Sean on September 30, 1999, at 14:10:59
In reply to Caught in my own head, posted by JennyAnn on September 30, 1999, at 9:39:22
> I am really thanful for your repsonses to my posts, it helps to normalize....you see here is the paradox: when I was on paxil (before it seemed to lose effectiveness) I was not depressed! for the first time in my life, I could retrospectively look at my expereinces and emotional health and what I saw was major depression and anxiety controlling my life, my choices, coloring every aspect of me. for a while I was calm; I have attempted to achieve this calm so MANY other depstructive ways. Finally I felt ok. and then I began to sink in to the deepest depression I have ever expreinced. I know there were some situational factors that motivated this, but I also know that I have never felt to apathetic, so lethargic; my numbness became debilitating. After going off AD's, I see that the anxiety that I am riddled with, is actually an important component of my intellectual, creative experience. my depression is also a component of myself that has motivated me to produce beautiful art and poetry. SO I guess I am fighting myself here, in this message board arena, and it is a no win battle; I want to embrace the complicated parts of me, but I depserately want to feel sane, in control, balanced. I fear this is not possible, that I must sacrifice one for the other.
> talk to me...any thoughts?
> thanks for hearing me...
> JennyAnnI have *lots* of thoughts on this as I can totally
relate to the depth/depression/art thing vs.
being stable and joyous. I also have problems
with the SSRI's not working after a few months
and actually missing parts of myself when I am
on them. My answer has been to phase on and off
the meds which my doc does not like me doing
and I agree is not a good answer. I'm actually
going to the doc today to switch to a mood
stabilizer and a different AD. Will let you know...
Sean.
poster:Sean
thread:12306
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991001/msgs/12336.html