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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 256 to 280 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2014, at 18:00:03
In reply to Re: happy, posted by alexandra_k on September 2, 2014, at 23:01:20
so the wonderful wonderful wonderful learning lady passed on this link for me... and i've been able to view the manuals that the med students are given (and have to sign off they have read) about the med program... and so i spent a few hours last night reading through that...
and things start off mostly okay. the first two years very science focused. they do have a cadaver lab and they also have an imitation clinic, thing. you don't have to act as a model for other students - they won't penalise you if you don't provide your consent. i guess i thought... things mostly seemed okay. and your cadaver died of something and you have to figure out (with your team who is all working on the same one) what that might be... over the course of the year... so that sounds kinda cool, actually.
and then in the third year they transition you a bit to 'real patients'. and i guess that is simply one of those things that they never can totally prepare you for and either you take to it or you... do not. not much transition though, really. you... follow a pregnant woman through till the baby gets born and stuff. as a way of learning about that. infant development. i really liked that, actually. as a way of learning about that. i guess that little kids concern me because i have no experience with them, really. i've never even held a baby. i have no idea how i would feel. i think it would be alright because (this will sound odd and bad)... it would be on my own terms. i would have the power to put it down. i choose to pick it up. it isn't like it grabs at my leg when i'm least expecting it... not for a few more years, at least... there was another special study like that as well... i can't quite remember what it was but it sounded really wonderful, again.
then your fourth year you have a bunch of placements through different areas. and the class gets split off and people get shipped off... that worries me, actually. the idea of being shipped off to who knows where...
the books... the tone of them progressively changes. they are all sort of cuddly almost early on. all... friendly. later on they are all 'you have to do this or else y will happen to you' (e.g., you have to get your *ss to maaori week or else you won't pass the year) or you have to get to y day or else you will be in danger of not passing competency requirements... i guess... attitudes change over the years... and it looks like the attitudes of the student docs becomes progressively 'do i have to?' 'do i have to, really?' and 'but what if i don't?????'
but then noticing things like how you have to work one long day per week... how you have to be on call up to 10pm one day per week. how in your 4th year you get one 1/2 day per week for study. not just individual - but group tutorial activities are chucked into that time... then only 1/2 a day every two weeks in your fifth year... and tutorial activities again... and i see why 'do i have to? i mean, really? what if i don't?' might start to catch on... then something about if the house doc gets sick or goes on leave and you are in your 6th year you can take on their duties for up to three weeks... AND NOT GET PAID BECAUSE IT IS A WONDERFUL LEARNING OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU! mmm hmm... i see...
and there is A LOT about how... you are expected to be proactive about seeing patients. and about holding instruments in a very long operation is probably not the best use of your time. and about how being given after hours access etc etc is a privaledge that you have a glorious learning opportunity 'do I HAVE to match the hours of the house doc???'
oh dear.
the... uh... the areas of med i was most worried about... pediatrics... obgyn... psychiatry, even... are saved up for near the end. year 5 or 6, i forget. guess they are saving them up for increased emotional maturity.
there were various things that reassured me. they were pretty clear on how you were NOT to write prescriptions, sign death certificates, request labs etc etc etc. all these things mean a big whopping safeguard about being dumped with too much responsibility, i think. and so your supervising people can't think you are too much of a pain in the *ss for bothering senior people all the time... because you simply have to. no way around it.
the thing that sticks out as concerning for me is... probably the thing that is most concerning for all. which is a great shame, really. because... it does affect me more, i think. but it also affects us all. and there simply won't be any shortage of people trying to get accommodations for it.
- placement. with respect to sorting out accommodation and transport. especially the case since i don't drive. and i know full well i do not want to go to some rural place where they can clear out the paddock next door and pitch me a tent :(
where i live currently... i'm a 15-20 minute walk from the hospital. so i could be on call from here, i guess. i could get to the hospital in 20 minutes if pushed. any time of the day or night. tauranga or rotorua... buses don't run particularly late. and they only run every 30 minutes or so. so i'd need to... get accommodation very close... or take a cab. or maybe get a bike. or ideally (i suppose) get a f*ck*ng motorbike lisence. since most places require you to use street parking anyway and good luck with that unless it really is middle of the night... or else parking is really expensive...
i'd imagine... the people who are placed in the same place probably pool for big shared houses that are close. it really would... make sense. i... honestly... i don't know how i'd go. i'd imagine... the year would be quite a blur, really. like, uh, summer camp. almost like being in the army or something. i honestly don't know how i would go.
even in auckland... south auckland may as well be a different city, really, with commute times... north shore is pushing it. without a car it is impossible. anyway... everyone is in the same boat, i guess. i think... i think they probably do try and match people a bit... putting people with family or whatever for year 5, at least (since you do get paid - about the same as a phd scholarship for year 6 - and year 5 is pretty full on compared to year 4 with respect to your supposed to take 1/3 the caseload of the team and 'pull your weight' with respect to long days and being on call up to 10pm).
and of course i'll need to accumulate appropriate clothes along the way. they start out 'if you can see up it, down it, or through it, don't wear it'. they end up with 'remember that your professional colleagues and patients are judging you on what you wear' or similar. anyway... they couldn't be clearer: NO jeans. NO trainers. dammit. no yoga tights either, i'm betting. sigh. oh... also no scrubs in outpatient clinics or anywhere outside the hospital. they are very clear: they are NOT a status symbol. which of course means... that all the med students think that they are.
ahaha.
anyway... you can do an honours year after year 3 (before the clinical stuff starts up). this sets you up for if you want to do a phd later. they encourage all that stuff blah de blah. if you decide being a doc is not for you (typically discovered during year 4) you can switch to a science degree with another semester of studying or something like that. so...
so...
i guess supports are hard because you are increasingly... well... short rotations. between 1 and 6 weeks. you don't have a bunch of time to be running off to counsellors or whatever. i guess... i guess i see how the shared house thing really is the way to go. then at least you can ask the people there (when you can catch them) for ideas / help with dealing with that weird doctor or that bitchy nurse or whatever... anyway... i guess i do feel scared about whether it is for me or not... but i do think i would really like to give it a shot, for sure.
i'll... probably get year 5 where i grew up... my mother actually lives within 20 minutes bike of the hospital... even though i'd really much rather not live with her... i guess that is there... and it is a huge hospital. and for things like specialist surgery or A&E it is the place to be... so...
i don't quite understand why they don't have halls for student docs on site... probably because then the nurses will want them and then the physios... and then the tea people and the orderlies will point out that they are doing degrees in hospitality or whatever and they are at the hospital on placement, too... and before you know it... sigh.
anyway...
the weirdest thing was reading about psychiatry placement... there were little blurbs... almost recruitment blurbs... guess they are trying to recruit people year 6. and have them want to stay there for their elective (which you get to elect unless you are made to repeat something that you failed). because we are allowed to go overseas for elective year 6... at our own expense... that might well be worth borrowing for... to get to go someplace... to try and set things up for a decent junior doc position or whatever for year 7... for eventual specialisation.
call me crazy... but i think i'd like to do an honors project on curled / clawed toes. after foot surgery. i wonder if they splint them straight if that would prevent the tendons from shrinking into a clawed position. that might make rehabilitating them later (physio etc) much easier. with respect to walking / balance. of course i know that really one does the honours project that one is told to do... we'll see...
anyway... plenty where that came from if somebody steals it...
i really do want this...
oh... psychiatry placement... where i spent... a couple years of my life, really. as an inpatient. seeing what the 'big wigs' (whom i never met) have to say about things... year 6... you get to diagnose a fake patient (an actor). i diagnose: fictitious disorder. ffs. ffs.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2014, at 16:01:43
In reply to Re: med curriculum, posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2014, at 18:00:03
of course i'd be lying if i said it didn't scare me. i did have a... heavy night. a bit restless. background... stresses...
(is this really something that i want to do?)
on the one hand it seemed possible in a way i didn't think it was before. little bits... like being able to opt out of being a model without penalty. stuff like that. and then bits that made it seem a lot more interesting than i thought it would be. like figuring out what the person died of and following a mother through to after delivery and following the infant for a while to learn about development. and i get to thinking that i REALLY want to do it.
but then... over the years... it DOES get scary. especially for people (like me) without a home base that is... homely... for them. the thought of being shipped about for placements... of losing my safe space... that is scary to me. and i really do have no idea whether my disability will get renewed or not...
and then the hours... reading between the lines... the exhaustion. the... eventual... trying to opt out of everything that one can / that one doesn't absolutely have to do because one is simply exhausted. holding instruments in a long operation is probably some blessed relief from patients etc... i... i don't know why they all seem to want to hide from patients... probably because... it is exhausting. having to present calm and reassurance. and people wanting the whole happy puppy noises thing always... probably it is that. or maybe nurses need you to do this and that and the next thing... and it all involves bothering people who are cranky about being bothered (since you can't sign off on anything yourself).
and i feel exhausted just reading it. which is probably why they don't make this information more widely available.
so...
anyway...
i'm not counting my chickens, i don't think... i do understand that i probably won't get a place... that... well... i simply don't know how i'll do next year. i notice... the website actually says you can apply from a B+ average... of course all the internet people talk about A- averages and higher... but probably nobody wants to stand up and say 'oh, i just squeaked in!' just have to do well enough to get an interview (2x as many as number of places available). that sets the grade cut off. so... depends on who applies, i guess. needing to sit the UMAT during mid semester break (at over $200) is probably sufficient deterrant for the... whimsical...
anyway...
anyway...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2014, at 20:54:08
In reply to Re: med curriculum, posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2014, at 16:01:43
feeling... supported.
like i have a bunch of people on my side.
keyworker person who i'm getting on well with, actually. instead of meeting in her office as we usually do (gets me all in psychotherapy mode, head down, ranting about stuff, upset) we went to a cafe. i used to do that with my old keyworker... from years ago... anyway... it is heaps better for me. i still do use it to bounce ideas off etc... but it stops me from sort of ruminating unhelpfully...
clinic has turned out to be great, actually. have had 2 sort of crisis things, really... with the bugs... and then with the meltdown. and on both of those occasions ALL of the staff were really wonderful. receptionists, nurses, and they did get me in to see the doc when i did need to.
doc has turned out to be pretty great, too. she had a follow up with me, when she needn't have, actually.
and so i feel like all that is okay. tis okay.
and the guy i was dealing with before with the disability support stuff... he is someone who i feel like i can chat to. if i need to. i told him about court... when that happened... because i didn't have anyone to talk to about it (early in the process)... and so i think i could go talk to him if i needed to.
and now the learning people seem to be terrific, too. the one who i don't feel i clicked with as well turned out to have struck an absolute goldmine with passing on all that curriculum info. i'm betting... she could do what i could not with knowing how to get hold of the relevant people and getting information out of them. yay her. and the next meeting in person... is actually with the other one - whom i felt i clicked better with in person.
and so... all this... is helping me relax, rather. i feel... supported.
i'm remembering... there certainly were times in aussie (and so on) when i knew full well i was struggling and i needed help. and i did everything in my power, i mean absolutely every single freaking thing that i knew how to do to get a little help... and i simply could not get the help i needed.
anyway... i'm starting to feel like things are different now. things are starting to click into place for me.
i think partly it just is about it taking a year for me to settle into a place. get to know people... they get to know me... then i finally start making the sorts of relationships i need (professional or otherwise). and so we are getting close to my being here for one year... and things really are feeling like they are settling in. which is wonderful, really. because here... is a good place for me. not like these other places where i spend a year to settle in to a place that is wrong wrong wrong and then getting the hell out becomes an issue...
anyway... things are feeling pretty good for me. if only i can keep my GPA up. sigh. doing some grading now... that helps... it is nice to feel competent sometimes.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 5, 2014, at 17:18:49
In reply to Re: med curriculum, posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2014, at 20:54:08
it made it seem real. that's what it did. it gave some insight into the proper nature of the course... the proper nature of the job... and so some time for me to process things a bit... to also read between the lines a bit... and think about whether i do want this or not. how much i want this...
and i really really do want this. and i think i could potentially be good at it. and if it turns out that the whole whirlwind thing of short rotations and busy hospitals is something i can only do in a time limited sense... then that won't make me oh so very different from all those people who decide that they do want to be GP's in rural communities after all. for the lifestyle. though... apparently that is where the real shortages are... and sounds like people clamor a bit for things like ER in big hospitals.... or maybe it is more about proportions of positions to people applying or something like that.
i think what i liked most was feeling that... concerns i had... were answered. that makes me feel like other students over the years had same concerns as me. about what to wear, whether this or that was acceptable. about placements about whether i really had to go to placement here or there about whether i could swap about whether there might be any kinds of grounds for getting a different placement. about how many sick days you can have and about what hours you are expected to work. all these sorts of things... and about how the pediatrics thing worried me a lot... then the thought of me (or probably a bit of a team of us, really) following along various appointments of a pregnant woman... through delivery... through some childhood development... thinking of holding a baby for the first time in that kind of context... that seems... manageable. i guess i did worry that i might simply be confronted with pediatric rotation early on and simply be expected to pick them up and move them about etc etc. but they don't just expect that. phew. huge load off. i kind of want to say 'of course' but my experience with physio and sport sci has led me to realise that you can't simply expect other people to have similar standards of... what is easy / hard... of... propriety or appropriateness, even... and prescribing... not until very late down the track. and same for ordering labs and discharging and the like. helps me feel... protected, again. makes things feel safer. more manageable.
worst case... you get a nightmare horrible placement for... 6 weeks. that's the longest placement. then you get bundled out of there and moving on... and early on... you probably have other students you can hide amongst... theatres you can go hold instruments in, or something...
i see that it really is a vocation... there is a bit of a tension... the students saying that they are treated like crap here. mostly that junior docs can get more money for shorter hours overseas. the senior people getting better and / or more equipment or support staff who are much happier for their shorter hours / higher pay. etc.
and the government. how it is an honor and a privileged to be selected to train. and this feeling that student docs are asking for the earth, really. that they are already given so very much. the government contributes a great deal towards the cost of the training... most expensive degree for the government (also the student) etc etc.
i think... the biggest thing... the hugest f*ck*ng thing of all... is that there is never any shortage of jobs for docs. i mean... never. that is... the very best job security there is. and the job is about helping people. thinking... government workers have job security. i think... security through changes in government. but a lot of their work is paper shuffling b*llsh*t. i know that a lot of doctors feel that their work is increasingly becoming full of paperwork b*llsh*t... but they do get to do front line stuff. most people... a huge number of people... have some kind of crisis at some point in their life about not feeling like their life has meaning / that they are or can make a difference. i think that medicine... well... it is different, like that. and psychologically etc... it is a wonderful thing.
i see that if you don't know different (if your parents are docs and you go from school to med school to working as a junior) then you might be full of 'buy my parents has their nice house within 20 minutes of the big city hospital before they were 35' or whatever... and if you are young of course you want to go off to do your OE... and of course you want to live in the city...
anyway... rambling... sorry...
it does suck to be starting over... really... it is what i wanted... but i forgot this feeling of... being afraid about whether i had the ability to succeed. i honestly don't know whether i can get the grades that i need next year. that scares me. i guess i honestly did think that i had plenty of general smarts and it would be enough to get me through. because... well... clearly i started spending too much time with the kids at tech and that other university... a more more at home now... and a bunch of kids are freaky smart. possibly... too smart for me (at science). sigh. grading critical reasoning... it comes fairly easily for me... law seems miles and miles and miles and miles harder. familiarity... practice... from where i am... i simply can't comprehend (for example) grading physics tests... and finding them similarly straightforward.
still... this really was what i wanted. i think it is good to take time to be grateful. espcially because... my life is going very well (according to me), actually. it is important to remember that. i am freaking lucky to have this opportunity. i am freaking afraid that i will blow it by not doign well enough... but still... having the opportunity is... well... what i most wanted. in life. to have the opportunity to do this. wish i was a bit better prepared... but in many ways i am... i have learned a lot this year... abotu how i learn and so on... anyway... sorry for the rant... back to the grading...
i'm feeling a lot more empathy for them... especially when (for instance) they do so much worse than chance on certain aspects (like multiguess). that awful feeling of getting all tied up with it... just like how i felt in my last physics test. sigh.
:)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2014, at 3:00:52
In reply to Re: med curriculum, posted by alexandra_k on September 5, 2014, at 17:18:49
it is nice to be having a break...
doing some reading... but also having a break, yeah.
had another meeting with the learning support people today. a bit weird... they were keen to do x and y and z and i was more... reluctant. i... don't feel that disclosure letters need to be going anyplace... or that i need to be making requests about lecture notes in advance or... to be specially allocated a suitably motivated lab partner or... anything, really...
but i did feel a bit bad about that. because i was really impressed by how organised and... uh... effective... they seemed to be focused on being.
anyway...
i thanked them a whole heap for the information about the curriculum... i'm not sure how much i can convey to anyone just how helpful that was. i mean... i did have a heap of concerns about whether this really was something that i wanted to do etc etc etc. and now i know for absolute sure: it really really is.
something that is becoming clearer to me... this OY1 year... is mostly about... persistence. reliability and persistence in the face of immense pressure / stress. i think that that is what it is testing more than anything. the website is (intentionally, i think) rather ambiguous on how candidates are ranked... and there is a bunch of stuff online... but biased samples etc etc... some later year med students saying they know of people who didn't get a place with an A+ GPA and people who did with a high A-... and a bunch of candidates who are posting about how everyone they know has A+'s for all the core papers (which is very unlikely to be true - and simply can't be true of all people accepted to med given the way grades are distributed in first year papers)...
And I realise... That the GPA difference between an A+ and an A- GPA is negligible indeed compared to the large spread of marks that are allocated from interview. and that quite a few of the students obsess about grades because they feel that that is where they excel and so they focus on that...
And i remember back to the girl I met for my Otago interview... I was all highly organised and all... Arriving with a day before so I could check out the locations etc etc... Buying stuff especially to wear etc etc... And she rocked up with not much time to spare (couldn't get much time off work) and I helped her out, yeah... But she just kind of... Kludged along... And things went well for her, yeah. Because she just held her stuff together and was pleasant enough etc etc. And, anyway, I'm going to hold onto her, I think... I ended up being... A bit preppy, really. Because I thought that would be 'normal' for them. What they were looking for. But I see now that no, that's not it. Think - unphased if a patient throws up on you. Easily laundered. Robust.
I just meant to say... Things like clothes are not a big deal. Things like books... Are. Things like the gym... Is important for my sanity / mental health. Hold onto these things...
Anyway...
I said a bit about how I have come to realise that this year is likely to be harder for me than next year for a bunch of reasons... And about how next year is likely to be harder than subsequent years for various reasons, too... About chatty girls hoping to find doctor husbands... About how they don't tend to take kindly to my sssshing them. They said about how they do... Put a great deal of time and thought and... Effort... Into the planning of those four courses. And I said about how... It showed. That things that bug me this year... Won't be an issue next year. Also... How I"m not overly thrilled by aspects of animal biology and I really am not particularly good at physics and how I don't really have the time to spend on law (given how many freaking animals there are)... And... I didn't say... But how... I'm sort of working up next year into something of a special interest... That is the idea... To special interest my way (all enjoyable like) through the prescribed texts and I've got the lab manual for one of the courses...
Anyway... Buy the books. That's crucial. Partly psychological. So I... Love them. Like a spider spinning it's web... I need to spin it into my brain... Hard to describe... I need a basic organic molecule set, too, to get a proper grip on tetrahedral geometry... Bond angles... To develop a better appreciation of 3-d structure... I have trouble visualising that... I think it will help a great deal... For all the electron movement stuff I need to get my head around next year...
The most important thing will be to keep my cool... It is fairly... PErsistent. Persistent deadlines of this and that... Long hours of classes and labs... Commute times for me with the health science based out at another campus... then UMAT over the break (I will in fact need to study for the non-verbal picture completions since it is kind of a mathsy thing to be doing)... And then the major major thing... To not let the A+ kids psych me out... To find some... Friends. To relax and be myself around...
She'll be right.
Yeah.
It is gonna be a journey, for sure.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2014, at 3:19:48
In reply to Re: break, posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2014, at 3:00:52
relaxing enough to be friendly...
i feel...
traumatised. i guess i've felt that way for a long time... that's probably why i suspected i had some kind of trauma disorder...
then quitting smoking... and the sensory world seemed... traumatic. disorganised and overwhelming, yeah.
and weightlifting was organising. when i couldn't focus on much of anything... nothing like a heavy bar on your back to focus you. nothing like fear of... being squashed. to focus you.
and the weight was... soothing. in helping me focus. same for any intense effort, really. bike. or elliptical. or whatever.
tech was traumatising... the kids... playing. mostly... flirting. the idea that what it was about was 'building social confidence'. the aim being to turn us into confident and flirty gym bunnies so we would be most popular so we would attract most clients so we would attract enough clients to be viable personal trainers in the gym.
not me.
skin fold assessments... within the context of flirty... and i couldn't. i just couldn't. i just couldn't.
and then physio... i didn't get started really... but getting a general sense of it. seeing there was a bit of a tension... seeing that the way it was largely going over this part of the world and more especially in the institution i was focused... was more massage therapy customer satisfaction flirty... and again... i just couldn't. to hear the dean be totally dismissive / not understanding of sensory processing difficulties... to have her thinking i was being a whiny little princess.... not understanding... being told that hard or special cases weren't dealt with really until grad school... that of course we had to model for each other because otherwise how would we learn???
contrast: you are asked to consider and sign a consent form to model for other students. if you decline then tutors are not allowed to penalise / disadvantage you.
professionalism: built right in from the start.
so i can relax...
thinking of infants... it being a big deal. me and all the wide eyed only child asian 18 year old boys who have never held a baby... contrast that with the kids with 13 brothers and sisters. many of whom they helped raise 'just get on in there'...
it is going to be okay. if i get a place. i am scared. most important thing: work hard. don't let the stress / pressure get to you. EVERYONE talks about how first year is freaking awful and they would hate to have to do it again... just get through it... do okay... okay... that's all yuo need to do... be persistent and reliable... and it will all be okay.
i think it will be okay enough fo rme to relax a bit. i guess that is what i'm saying. i need friends to have the odd drink with. the odd laugh. i do...
i'm doing okay... but i'm a little bit lonely, yeah. i am. i think that is good. a good thing. yeah.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2014, at 3:29:26
In reply to Re: break, posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2014, at 3:19:48
and there is a guy... who did a degree in computer science... and he seems to be taking this year in preparation for bio-med. he was across from me in lab for chemistry last semester... and he is in my lab for bio... and he's a bit autistic-ish, too... a little bit cross-eyed or something... a little bit round... smart... doing better than me, heh... and he sits himself right in the middle of everything always. and is happy to yell out the answer.
...whereas i like to be in the corner. the front right so my right hemisphere gets a good go at things and so... people can only approach me from two directions so i'm less likely to feel overwhelmed...
and there are a couple guys across from me in bio lab... one of them was asking about whether 13.5 was good for lab (out of 15) last time...
and i tend to feel grumpy about such people when they... show off... but i need to remember that typically... guys feel competitive with guys rather than with girls... and when guys are showing off around girls they aren't doing it with the intention of making the girls feel bad... quite the opposite...
and anyway.. last time i managed to hang out with the guys across from me (rather than lab partner next to me) and... i think my biology drawings went the better for it. and the guy who did very well got a nice big fish so he manged to get out nice drawable organs...
and that guy who sits in the middle of everything... well... he's bound to be in all my labs next year. because... that is the path that life seems to have thrown me. i wonder if he likes beer. sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2014, at 22:02:18
In reply to Re: break, posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2014, at 3:29:26
in my classes. but... oddly enough... doing alright otherwise.
fairly stressed... but that is the time of year. and there are various things i can do to free up extra hours.
i did learn a lot of biology over the break (after the test). and i have the textbook now...
and i do feel vaguely reassured about physics... that we do indeed get marks for concepts and for setting out strategies even if i do persistently f*ck up my calculations. it is motivating me, anyway. i think the thing to do is to print out the powerpoints and work back through the recordings... can pause things... work through the problems. and listening to the recordings is kind of entertaining, actually. enjoyable in a way that sitting down with a calculator and being faced with problems... isn't. because i really have no confidence / faith in what i'm doing at all. i have... never felt so stupid as when it comes to physics. well... math. i guess they are the same really. kinda sorta semi...
i suppose... it is a bit of a miracle really if i can come out of a university course in physics with a passing grade a bit below the average grade for the course... given that i've never done high school maths... i should probably think of it more like that...
anyway... i can work harder. and i can work smarter. and... i have been working a bit... so... respect, i guess. i will have to work harder. and of course... they probably marked us pretty hard for that in order to extract better work out of us for our exams. that's what i would do if i were them, anyway. biology people didn't tell us the class average...
anyway... off to print off some physics...
i think... i think the thing is that i thought they would be... dissapointed in me... upset... scathing... something... something like that... for me doing not so well. or perhaps gloating and pleased. something like that. but... they don't seem to be. i guess it is one of those things... persistence... a bit like the gym... not much kudos goes to the person who just rocks up and can do things... more to the person who demonstrably persists through hard times... anyway... people seem... kinder. somehow. or maybe... it is me. humbled. whatever. life is good... and there is more to life (more to academic life even) than grades. huh. who woulda thunk?
that being said... must... do... better. but also... will do better when i care more about what i'm learning about. the lecturers are interesting and they really do do what they can to convey that... but i'm just not particularly interested in other critters or evolution more generally or history of society / law or musical instruments... aspects are interesting and relevant... and important... and of course i really am a firm believer in the intrinsic value of knowledge etc etc... but... i don't know... perhaps i'm starting to grow up? maybe that is it... anyway... off to print off some physics...
Posted by pontormo on September 20, 2014, at 10:56:46
In reply to not doing particularly well..., posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2014, at 22:02:18
>
> i suppose... it is a bit of a miracle really if i can come out of a university course in physics with a passing grade a bit below the average grade for the course... given that i've never done high school maths... i should probably think of it more like that...
>
>
>
> i think... i think the thing is that i thought they would be... dissapointed in me... upset... scathing... something... something like that... for me doing not so well. or perhaps gloating and pleased. something like that. but... they don't seem to be. i guess it is one of those things... persistence... a bit like the gym... not much kudos goes to the person who just rocks up and can do things... more to the person who demonstrably persists through hard times... anyway... people seem... kinder. somehow. or maybe... it is me. humbled. whatever. life is good... and there is more to life (more to academic life even) than grades. huh. who woulda thunk?
>
> that being said... must... do... better. but also... will do better when i care more about what i'm learning about. the lecturers are interesting and they really do do what they can to convey that...~~hey Alex I really like what you're saying here.
There's a lot of wisdom in where you're going with these thoughts. Don't overvalue the grades of the moment-- it's the overall goal and the meaning you can put into and get out of the process that matters over time. As long as you invest yourself and make the work meaningful and remember the purpose-- the overarching reason for it all.
And yeah-- people are a lot kinder than we give them credit for-- or than we are-- thank god.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 20, 2014, at 22:59:18
In reply to Re: not doing particularly well..., posted by pontormo on September 20, 2014, at 10:56:46
hey. thank you. yeah, i need to hold onto the goal.
i was actually over these past few days remembering one of the goals that i had... something that i thought i would learn... better time management. working more to a schedule than from a feeling. i think i am (only just) starting to learn to do that. and feeling good from it. something kantian... about doing what you are supposed to do because you are supposed to do it. just beginning... but on the journey, yeah.
> There's a lot of wisdom in where you're going with these thoughts. Don't overvalue the grades of the moment-- it's the overall goal and the meaning you can put into and get out of the process that matters over time. As long as you invest yourself and make the work meaningful and remember the purpose-- the overarching reason for it all.
yes. and... if i do get a place in medicine then that is probably something i'm going to have to come to terms with. being much nearer the bottom of the class for most things. i mean... i guess it is like that for most people. and a lot of those people will be lot smarter at a lot of things than me...
> And yeah-- people are a lot kinder than we give them credit for-- or than we are-- thank god.yeah. thank god for that. i think... one of the things that makes us unkind is anxiety. fear. a defensive freeze can be almost indistinguishable from an attack.
anyway... back to it.
:)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 22, 2014, at 22:47:26
In reply to Re: not doing particularly well... » pontormo, posted by alexandra_k on September 20, 2014, at 22:59:18
I think that partly my grades don't matter so much because I'm in an institution with a (much) higher world ranking, now. I remember applying for a summer scholarship as an undergrad and even with my grades they asked for a writing sample on very short notice. The other scholar had significantly lower grades than me and wasn't asked for a writing sample - but he was from an institution that was more highly regarded.
And perhaps it is also partly because science simply is fairly different from a subject like philosophy. You can work fairly hard in science but not do very well because you don't have the relevant background. But that your grades pick up over the years as you gain more of the relevant background. So they come to forgive earlier.. F*ck ups... Over time.
I really like physics. Still. And I really like physicists. The people CARE. Their teaching is clear. They try and keep things as simple as possible (things get hard enough all by themselves). The room has good accoustics. More than that. Really great accoustics. We are doing waves at the moment... And I'm learning... I like walls because the sound reflects off and I can hear much more clearly up against the wall. And I like people to keep away (disperse) because they steal my sound waves. Making it harder to hear. It isn't just about their fidgeting etc. Though that comes into play... Just their presence... I suspected as much. And they are good with their lecture recordings. They don't seem to have trouble switching from recording the computer video, their voices, their powerpoints, the camera for their writing / showing something on i-pad or whatever.
In biology... New lecturer... He started out beautifully indeed. Dimming the lights. Yellow text on a black background. Beautiful high resolution pictures of fossils and the like. Then of course someone wanted the lights turned up... Because... Well because of f*ck knows why. No reason was given. But now the lights are turned up. And now the now the picture looks all washed out. And his voice sounds all washed out. Because he isn't microphoned properly. Because of their fidgety masses... Because the room has isles against the walls so I don't get such a reflection off of that... And most of the kids don't notice. Most of the kids probably had glue ear...
And they don't want to record the lectures because of copyright issues. That is what they say. Because they want to babysit us with clips from the Simpsons or whatever. Because they pretend like it is far too hard for them to not record the computer display when they play such clips.
I think bio-med will probably be different. They probably don't try and 'educate' the top science kids by way of childrens cartoons. If it isn't... No more biology for me. Fed up. Honestly.
I might be eligable for a scholarship next year. $2000 that will serve me very well indeed re: books, glasses, dentist, UMAT necessary (honestly!) clothes etc... Only... I don't know that my grades will be strong enough :( ANyway... Seems they changed the criterion on it from last year... Last year... I didn't seem eligible for anything since I have a degree already and am not a (directly from) school leaver... Anyway... I guess I"ll go talk to the scholarships office... I really don't know how I'm going to end up doing in my classes this semester...
I think whatever happens I'll take the physics for science and engineering course that I tried last summer school... Today one of the tutors showed me some algebra rearrangements and i have a bunch of little equivalencies to learn / that will help me out... It is kinda fun. Yeah.\
Then I can do the health science pathway next year (to focus my time on the hard science papers and appreciate the rest as 'load lighteners')... And if I don't get a place in medicine... Hope at least to earn a place in bio-med... In which case... I'll do the functioning in math course over summer... And then I'll have bio-physics that year.
Cell biology might be better... Biochemistry... Fairly sure medsci will be alright... Fairly sure... Otherwise... I guess physics it will have to be. And... F*ck knows whether I'll be able to do well enough to go to grad school :(
Posted by alexandra_k on September 25, 2014, at 22:25:57
In reply to Re: not doing particularly well..., posted by alexandra_k on September 22, 2014, at 22:47:26
things are tick tocking along. another week down. another hard week... a bunch of grading. a physics assignment. a rat dissection. a work and income meeting to secure this place for next year.
got through it all okay :)
i'm... proud of me, again. so proud. really, very.
we had one rat between two. i was grateful not to have to do it all myself. the smell comes in waves and you just have to stand back for a few minutes... so turn taking works out fine. the rats were all part of a diabetes study. we got the biggest fattest rat i've ever seen. fat around his heart and stuff... just... wow. i mean honestly, the dude was almost cat sized... we couldn't cover him with water in the tray because he barely fit in the tray...
my lab partner is getting better. has been learning. i mean, the first lab she didn't have the stuff she needed... now... not only does she bring all her stuff, she's started marking up her lab manual before class and she's doing much better at following along... they really are nearly second years. she's a biology major... she's going to be okay.
work and income meeting went really well. there were security guards on the door but the atmosphere was... everyone seemed to be trying really hard to keep things amicable and relaxed... and it really did seem to be. it went smoothly, actually. one of the smoothest appointments i've had with them. and i was worried to ask about whether it would be okay for me to study full time next year... and she just said 'while we encourage you to work as much as you can - you don't have a work obligation'. and, uh, the reason why i wasn't allowed to study full time before was because i couldn't honour my work obligation if i was studying full time. so now i don't have a work obligation... i am free to study. just... wow. so i don't even need to try and make a case for why i can study but not work. so... very smooth indeed. and i told them about the small amount of grading work that i do have and it doesn't affect things. so...
so...
next week is much more relaxed... and then things pick up again. assignment... labs... test... another batch of grading... won't be so bad since last lot so don't need to do feedback... and then a few weeks of exams.
waiting for my molecular model kit to arrive... will get the A&P book from grading... and hopefully organic chem too (fingers crossed i get enough for that)... they will keep me... hanging in there. i just gotta hang in there... keep things ticking over between now and the last exam.
life is good... the epidemiology people said the stats is very simple indeed so doing stats probably wouldn't help particularly. from what i've seen of the course it is more critical reasoning stuff about the sorts of inferences you can make from different sorts of studies (stuff like not inferring causation from correlation). the textbook was very... readable, anyway. and from what i've heard it tends to upset the bio-medders more than the health science people, so...
we had to solve a simultaneous equation for physics. apparently it probably wasn't meant to be one... but it turned out that we were only given one of the values so we needed to do that... so he showed us a bit of how to do one in class... then the tutors showed me a bunch of algebraic equivalencies / rearrangements. and it is a lot like logic. just that the rules of inference are different because we have mathematical operators instead of boolean connectives...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 16:44:37
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 25, 2014, at 22:25:57
it isn't that i'm not really enjoying evolutionary biology. it is more that i'm really not enjoying evolutionary biology. partly it is that i haven't clicked very well with the people. mostly it is that i just... don't like it particularly.
i think i'll skip the next 4 lectures on that. rejoin when we move to muscle and nerve tissue. I will learn to deal with *ssh*l*s at some point... but not right now. it isn't '*ssh*l*' particularly. it is more... that for some totally bizarre reason they look to educational theory rather than psychology learning theory to justify their teaching practices. and then... that is what they do. cherry pick data to justify their doing whatever it is that they want to do. mostly my problem is that if you make a request of them... instead of being 'sure no problem' - which other lecturers seem to manage okay... instead of that... they decide to throw their weight around / dig in their heels. why? because... they can. that really does seem to be it... i'm sick and tired of little comments about how they should tell us special information since we bothered to turn up (complete disregard for people who may be sick, people who may simply learn differently etc) then told to lighten up (because laughing at other's is hilarious). of obnoxious noises being placed in lectures to 'wake us all up' (offensive to those who are following along and only obnoxious to those who would probably have done better not to come'. babysitting videos... where the audio is illegible. listening to bbc documentaries on how everything is evolving to the epitome of evolution - people. or listening to the Simpsons because Gould got a mention... I've really had enough. I've sent off the relevant emails... And I guess what will happen now will be that people will close ranks.
I need to stay away. Do the readings in my own time. It really will be better next year. They don't give the best science kids the idiot teachers. Fairly sure. We may even get teachers capable of carving out a manageable take home chunk of content for each lecture with clear lecture objectives. The coursebook for next year... Seems to consist in a little more of that. Instead of... This crazy thing they do of assuming that we know the model case (humans) and teaching us deviations for different animals... When the class where people learn about humans is a limited entry course running this semester - so nobody has that information as previously existing.
I have trouble with aspects of my test... We are asked to draw things and seems to me that at various points I did in fact draw the relevant thing... But got no marks for it. No model answers went up. We didn't get the multi-guess portion back. Feeling a lot like they threw them down the stairs... Feeling a lot like tech.
I guess it is. I guess that is what has happened now. As techs have started offering degrees... Universities have started running that calibre of a degree program. Comperable courses. The techs like it too because they can say that what they are teaching is at degree level. Which of course it is. Since the universities have really started to offer scrambled time wasters... Pretty pissy, I am, for sure. Partly it is the time of year. Partly it is feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all, for sure. But then partly it is also about things not being presented particularly coherently or logically (that sh*t takes work - so much more effective to spend ones time hunting down copyright approval to play the Simpsons in class because that joke is totally crucial for the exam). Fed up...
Constant reminders that I have in fact made the right decision to do OY1 next year. Another prepratory year would be counter-productive. Even if I don't do well enough next year... I won't regret not having taken another prepratory year. Pretty sure I need to stay the f*ck away from physiology as my major. I think cell / devo and molecular genetic type courses (more 'hard science') will be okay... But the 'I like to fish' people... Well... I guess I'll stay away from sport science too, because I guess it will only be a lot more of that over there...
Deep breath. Parallel stream... Parallel world... Stuck in the kiddy pool area for Bio like how I was stuck in the kiddy pool area for Chem last semester. With the 'gate keeper' people designed to waste your time / indulge you in wasting their time to keep you the hell away from the people who actually get work done... It is kinda heartbreaking to see the actual kids... Growing up. Some of them feeling about as pissed off about all this as me... Better at sucking it up... Probably mostly because it is through the course of this year... That they have come to see the kiddie pool they found themselves in... And they have developed suitable motivation to get the hell out.
That is probably it.
And that is probably why people who do go on to do well... Think that those who don't do well are lazy and / or stupid. And... Are disparaging about that. Because they remember how those people got in the way and prevented their learning and did the whole crabs in a bucket thing... And so they are so f*ck*ng happy to have distinguished themselves from that group and they really will do everything in their power to keep their place / to keep other people in their place... Because they remember the f*ck*ng horror of being put in the wrong f*ck*ng group.
Stay away. For sure. I don't like where my head is at with this.
One more week. And I don't even have to go.
I suppose I should focus on gratitude. I am grateful that I didn't get a place in the foundations program this year. If I had have got a place... I'm fairly sure I wouldn't have lasted the year in that. I would have wigged out at some point and... And then what? I don't know. Or if somehow miraculously I did manage to make it through that year... I would be in the awful position of wondering whether I needed the year I'm doing now to prepare me better...
The thing is that this year... The preparation thing is... Dubious. It is a dubious relation. Some aspects are extremely relevant. But there is a lot of b*llsh*t. And there is a whole f*ck*ng ton of the 'things most people find easy' to try and make the 'things most people find hard' to be easier. Only... For me... I'm built the other way around. So a lot of the things that are supposed to 'help' are hinderances for me. If people had an ability to listen to what I'm saying things would run differently for me...
- Organic lecturer. Is good. Thinks clearly. I can follow along. It will be hard... But I don't have problems with her teaching or whatever. She did dig in her heels a bit about powerpoints... But she said she will hand them over if I put in a disability request. So... I think I might...
Biology people... F*ck knows. That lecture I went to was great. 3/4 of the way through the class... A place where things tend to get 'itsy bitsy' because the students will be too scrambled to notice - right? 6 steps in chlorine regulation (and then rather a ton of information on cystic fibrosis and he said he didn't expect people to learn the history dates of discovery for various things which suggested he did expect people to learn everything else). but there it was... clear and precise. a managable chunk of content (depending on how seriously you crammed the cystic fibrosis stuff or took your chances a little more with that). anyway... it made me smile. because it seemed fair. and... a managable 'bare minimum' thing... anyway... whatever...
I feel bad for skipping a week of classes because i am a good contientious student. i've only missed 4 classes all year. but... i gotta do what i gotta do. i'm sure there is a bunch of people who... uh... like to fish or something who think he's terrific. i guess it is important to keep those people... the other uni across the bridge offers a whole degree in marine biology... we wouldn't want to not offer a degree comperable to them...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:05:47
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 16:44:37
it is just little things... little things that drive me nuts.
like with our biology drawings.
we had a model in the front of our lab manual, so first lab i used it as a template. and then i lost marks for my drawings because of various things that they wanted us to do that were different from the template / different from the commentary on the template at the start of the manual. e.g., to put the phylum and class on the drawings and not just include genus and species. to put the magnification in a certain place rather than including it in the title.
apparently our drawings are better now... probably because of the grading feedback which told us (incrementally over several labs) what it was that they wanted from us. i am not sure how much there is a standardized 'and this is how it is supposed to be formatted' like there is for APA format... I hope to god the situation isn't that every biology class wants you to do them a bit differently - and that students ability to divine? the template the demonstrators have in mind from the actual class... despite the lab manual... is how grades are determined in labs.
which is better than throwing them down the stairs?
i guess some kids would have been good at getting the demonstrators to tell them what to do in the lab... i guess that is it. giggle and flirt and smile and you might get helpful bits out of them.
i think we got the big rat last week because we got the sh*tt**st fish specimens the week before... and (apparently) because our drawings improved a lot over the course of the semester. my gripe is: my drawings would have been of precisely that quality all along if only the template and instructions in the lab manual were an accurate portrayal of what it was that they f*ck*ng well wanted from us.
this kind of thing... is the kind of thing that drives me nuts... and tech was full of it. in this instance... i could try and say something about how the lab manual doesn't match what seems to be expected of us and how students would probably do better in labs if they updated the lab manual accordingly... and it would result in countless emails going through cycles and cycles of mostly bad reasons why nothing should be done... things like how nobody even reads their lab manual anyway etc etc etc...
the 'real reason' seems to be... so they feel that they taught us something. over the course of the semester... look at how our biology drawings improved! my gripe is that: they were only so bad in the first place because they weren't clear in their expectations of us.
i think that that happens a lot... students don't know what is expected of them. more than half the problem is that the teachers they tend to get are the teachers who either don't know what is expected of them either or teachers who have qualms about it such that they think their job is to make things harder than things need to be or teachers who are so dumb that they don't f*ck*ng well get it.
:(
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:22:05
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:05:47
and of course health is full of crap like that, too.
it has just properly occurred to me that the 'health science' pathway will be full of people who want to marry doctors.
while they throw everyone together for lectures, the labs are streamed according to program. they say it is because of timetabling and that there is no difference in the content of the labs.
the issue isn't the content of the labs... the issue is being in labs full of girls who are there because they want to marry a doctor. giggle flirt. oh i can't do this it is far too hard blink blink can you do it for me? cold shoulder to anyone who tries to opt out of that game... it is going to make it next to impossible for me to learn from any of the guys who are half-way competent... i will have to hope i meet some decent girl friends next year... only problem with that is that most girls are close enough to being just out of high school for flying under the radar of the bitch-girls (who have nothing grades-wise to lose) to be something that features very highly up their agenda... and i tend to be... salient... enough for those girls to stay away from me out of fear that they, too, will become a target...
and i tend to get targeted. because i try and learn off the most competent. and that is typically the same target as the girls have. so then they want to do this whole bitch girl competition thing... and i'm supposed to be picking up on things like 'she likes him (so i should stay away from him) but she's only talking to this other guy because she is trying to make him jealous' and all these other things... i mean... that's what labs are all about - right? being the centre of attention and making people jealous and getting people to chase you and keeping track of who is most likely to go on to be a doctor... and it is so f*ck*ng complicated... and what are we supposed to be making again? tee hee!! oh you are so smart can you just do this for me?
and yeah so there is this thing on tonight and maybe i'll feel like going to that...
and they'll grade them by...
?
throwing them down the stairs
?
:(
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:32:40
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:22:05
it is because i don't have a herd. and that is what high school is all about... having a herd. so that bitch girls are less likely to target you.
i tend to get targeted because i appear to be likeable enough / strong etc but i don't have a group. i intentionally... well i prefer to sit by myself etc because of the whole sound wave thing (amongst other reasons). i mean... we have evolved beyond the whole huddling in groups around the fire thing, yeah? sometimes development tracks evo history, i guess. 18 is (in a lot of instances)... not quite there yet.
cbt: catastrophizing.
it might well not be that bad. but i am... preparing for the worst case. because it could happen.
i am thinking about how hard to push the separate room thing for next year. or a tutor person to help me (so that i don't need to fight for attention of demonstrators / so i won't be targeted). as prevention... just for the first semester...
i am starting to think it might be wisest to push for that.
because...
how f*ck*ng angry am i going to be if some 18 year old bitch girl who isn't even interested in learning decides to stabotage labs for me - because she thinks it will gain her kudos (or at least a little fear) from other people...
pretty f*ck*ng angry indeed.
the issue is mainly that i really am that fragile when it comes to chemistry lab in particular. because of the goggles... i think i'm used to the lab coats now after biology... depending on the demonstrator, too... get one who has that whole tech mentality of laughing at our doing things wrong even though he hasn't told us how we are supposed to do them right...
on the one hand... seems like i'm too fragile really... far too fragile to even be doing this. on the other hand... the things that are making me fragile will significantly drop off over the years. bitch girls are most problematic in the first semester next year (and possibly obgyn later - but at least then they will be a little bit older than 18... chattering in lectures which makes it hard for me to focus... won't be a problem from 2nd year med on... most things... won't be a problem from 2nd year med on... because they will cull out the people who aren't focused on their study. and because everyone will relax a lot after having gained a place... what makes people mostly obnoxious early on is that fear that one has to stay with the crabs and bitch girls... forever...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:55:46
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:32:40
and the crazy thing about all of this...
is that i wasn't the target of bullying at high school. i was a smoker. i had a HUGE smoking group. and that morphed into a drug group. but there was my group, yeah. and i had a few close friends over the years of high school... once i was in the home i had a good group... the druggie christians for a while there, heh. and then a wonderful group of 5 for my last few years of high school... and we drank a lot.. but they were also into drama and i was like a mascot (supplier) for school productions...
so i was one of the cool-ish kids at high school. in a bad influence kind of way...
but NOW i find myself in the midst of this b*llsh*t. when i'm 36 ffs. ffs. ffs. ffs.
i think... i'm supposed to 'step up'. to... say something bitchy or... something... something... a little snap of the jaws to tell the baby puppies to back the f*ck off / watch themselves. i think that people expect something like this from me... people do... look to me to lead...
the trouble is that in chem labs in particular i'm doing everything i f*ck*ng can to not have an overwhelmed panic attack. i can hear my heart boombing and i can see the people buzzing and i'm trying to focus on all this alien lab equipment and do things carefully so the demonstrator won't be scathing abotu what i'm doing (like putting ice on something that i was happy to leave being strained by water for a while because i was in the middle of doing something else)... and just focusing on the work is the very f*ck*ng limits of what i can do...
then comments... 'she's such a bitch... i, like, asked her what she got for number three and she totally ignored me' and so on... i just... can't reassure the puppies right now.
18 year olds are the hardest. and younger too... testing continually testing. i remember going through that phase.... not knowing how to process things myself and so throwing it at other people in the hope they would process it better for me...
until eventually... i learn how to better externalise (like here) to (mostly) process things myself. aka... i get better at not inflicting myself on others... at not being as overwhelming to them... could i read the 'back off' signals when i was their age? yeah, i think i could. that's how come i felt so depressed... raged at the horribleness of the universe... when need is too needy too greedy exceeds provision...
i think the best health care people i know.. all work part time. i think the later has a lot to do with the former. mental health particularly... but maybe other things too. who knows. i suspect there is something... soothing... about holding instruments in a long operation. peaceful. ideally. beep beep beep beep beep. everything is okay.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2014, at 16:25:02
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:55:46
I found... These youtube videos of a guy giving a whole semesters worth... possibly even two semesters worth... of organic chemistry. from the textbook we use. at just the right level for me. :-O I watched two and a bit lectures already and... I really do like Organic Chemistry. Which is, uh, really rather lucky, since it is notoriously horrible for some people. I just... I get the logic. And when I get the logic... Just see... It makes me really very happy. Like when the physics tutors get a problem from the 150 students (first year course for majors) and they manage to figure out how to do it... Happy like that.
I do have to revisit little bits from general... The little bits I should have learned, but are still a bit sketchy. Acidity constants... I was just so happy to find 'the same and a little bit more' as I have learned it is supposed to be... But finally... 'the same'. For *me*. Building on *my knowledge*. I actually have a little bit of knowledge. Feeling... Calm and competent. Following along. It makes me feel happy. I'm sort of terrified that he'll take them down or something... Most of the chemists I know are all fort knox-y about things like that... I also feel good about it because I like him... He doesn't piss me off the way some lecturers do... And because the students ask questions... Which help me feel less stupid... Especially when they don't get something that I don't get either... Or sometimes when they don't get something that I do... And he works through heaps of problems... I love the internet.
I think I will have enough to get both the anatomy and physiology and organic textbook when I get my grading pay on Wednesday. that will make me very happy, indeed :) It seems that there is this other embryology textbook that the biology lady uses for a big chunk of that... I might get that book, too... later... when my book money comes through... I never really thought about it but of course embryology is really important... To understand the body in that way / from that perspective. Developmental things... Understanding how things are linked that way... The process of unfolding... Genetic contributors etc etc etc.
I suppose I"m procrastinating because I should be listening to lectures on optics. Which is interesting, actually. But everything is all jumbled up in my mind because there is a lot... concave mirrors and convex mirrors and plane mirrors and lenses... refractions and reflections and calculating angles and magnitudes. I really think I really will do the physics course for summer school. I think... It is possible that... I will find it delightful, really. The same and a little bit more... For me... It will make me happy. And be more manageable. I really do think that this year has been a lot of overwhelm... And me... Learning to work again. I do think that there has been more than a little bit of that... And partly first year courses are designed to be 'fun' and a bit broader etc. Which is, uh, actually harder for me. Harder for my way of thinking. Organic chemistry really does make me happy... I can't wait for my molymod kit to arrive... to be able to build the structures... and now i know what the paddle upgrades are for... resonance structures... learning about regions... soon it will get all military analogy, huh, with blah blah blah about where to attack and move about... i wonder... the military / chess thing... is that because once upon a time guys were organic chemists... or is there something specially fitting about seeing things in that way...
?
i guess i will see...
onto thermodynamics for the next 3 weeks of physics. i'm hoping it will be the same and a little bit more from what i've done on thermodynamics in chemistry. it will still be hard, because i didn't do particularly well / understand very much of the thermodynamics stuff that we did in chemistry... but it will be interesting to revisit those equations now and see what i can do with them this time around... and i think we do stuff on phase changes too... specific heat capacities and the like... and conversions between C and K temperature scales... optics is... ALL new. as was waves. as was electricity. i, uh, don't think i remember a single thing about magnetism except that when you chop up a magnet the poles recurr... all the way down to a single electron... and there is no magnetic monopole... and to say that magnetism and electricity have been united doesn't mean that it is easier now because you only need to know about one to understand about the other... it means that not only do you have all the stuff about magnetism and all the stuff about electricity but you also have all the stuff about how they are related - about how you get magnetic out of moving electric... and of course i spent a lot of that free-associating about the mind-body relationship... and then virtual images in optics... and the eye being a lens... but what's the image for? the little man in the brain looking at the back of the retina??
Sigh.
Just a little more chemistry... Then optics it is... Focus alex.. focus...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2014, at 21:39:26
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2014, at 16:25:02
I think I'm starting to understand about books...
Have been trawling a few forums. Because i was starting to get demotivated. Listening to people talk about next year and years after. I need to remember that sometimes it is worth taking some time out to focus on where I want to be going. It helps me focus back on the present. Also helps prepare me for the future.
I found these youtube vids of this guy teaching organic chem at just the right level from the same textbook. Wow. invaluable. I can't wait for my molymodel kit to arrive. I will certainly work through those over the summer... He does a lot of problems in class, too, and I can pause the video and do them in real time. Drawing conformations etc.
I read quite a lot about textbooks... About how you need to find the ones that work best for you... About how you do that. I have come to the conclusion that the thing is that you outgrow them. You could start with a mega-detailed clinically oriented atlas... But it will probably seem overwhelming. You could start with the budget little atlas you can get for the Anatomy and Physiology textbook. See if you can kick that back in a week or two or three... Then try the next one... I guess ideally... You can go through ALL of them. I guess the same for medical physiology textbooks etc. Start with the 'easy' ones... Work your way up.
It does mean learning to make use of the library... And only buying ones I anticipate I'll get most mileage out of. I know I get a significant chunk of study done before the year starts. Over the summer. When everything is new and when it all seems fun and exciting and I can read for enjoyment at my own pace and focus on whatever I like for however long I like. But I can't teach myself the way that actual classes do. With their deadlines. Forcing yourself to get to class because there is a class. Forcing yourself to learn more than you ever thought you could simply because you have a test or whatever. I'm often surprised at just how different a topic or section seems in lecture compared to the book or the powerpoints, even. Different focuses... Remember different things... More reminders about the woods so I don't get lost in trees...
I have found a forum... I've been there before. Was how I met the chick I met up with for the interview at the other place. It is important for me to foster relationships... To get into good study groups with focused people who help me relax. I felt... Happy about the book discussion etc... People who like reading over the summer as much as me :)
Onto neuro and then muscular now... Done with the evolutionary. Happy for that. Have somehow or other mustered something to study it, though. Am happy I got Campbell's Bio because I will keep it. There are chunks on plants and archea etc that I would like to read one day... Have it as a reference... And some of the cell biology stuff is way cool for me. And at about the right level, yeah. The A&P book for next year... Will outgrow it by the end of next year, yeah. It is a lot like the Marieb one we had at tech... Only... I liked Marieb better, I think. Though Tortora is perhaps prettier for the cell biology. I don't know... Anyway... I expect I'll sell it on... I just... Got looking to textbooks and atlases... Thought maybe I'd invest in an atlas... Then saw that there was an atlas associated with Tortora so... Borrowed it from the library. I wonder how long it will take me to be able to do it?? I guess that is the idea... Cover up the labels (with a ruler or strip of paper) and just freaking well learn them...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2014, at 21:40:30
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2014, at 21:39:26
there is some kind of anatomy prize, aparently... i wonder if i might have a chance if i start now??
Posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2014, at 21:29:36
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2014, at 21:40:30
discharge without conviction.
so it didn't seem to bother my lawyer but the judge (in summarising her summary) pulled out the contractions in her case.
she did appeal to precedent where diminished responsibility was considered relevant to a boy with aspergers... who hit someone unconscious.
and then she appealed to how a conviction would negatively impact on my med school application.
the judge said she didn't know how rare my abilities to teach at uni are (of course they are not rare there are far too many people willing to do that kind of work for free). that conviction wouldn't result in my being declined entry to med school - but that i would need to declare it. as i would need to declare health issues impacting on practice.
diminished responsibility.
incoherent case.
she said... that what i did could be taken to indicate low frustration tolerance. something like that... so i was thinking about that... the letter i got from my current nurse... saying that i didn't seem to have a problem with anger or whatever...
do i have low frustration tolerance? something? i don't know... it is important to me to know how to see this...
i was thinking it was more about power. if i was my own lawyer... i would have dropped the asperger's thing. been clearer about how i had asked to see a doctor on numerous occasions and been turned away... frustration, yes... but not over being told a simple 'no'. anyway... i don't know... i guess i process it with my nurse next time i see her... only... she often says things to be agreeable rather than to be true... i don't know what to say...
i guess i just put this behind me... it just... seems one of those things... like with my jumping... something needed to change... i had done everything within my power to get appropriate help... i simply didn't know what else to do. i couldn't see any other option. what could i have done? anyone? i still don't see... if that makes me... incompetent... then so be it. if someone had have listened to my predicament... what could they have suggested as an alternative way?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2014, at 23:50:22
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2014, at 21:29:36
i didn't have ANYONE. that is the common thing to both of those. the jumping. the hitting. i didn't have ANYONE who i could talk to. to explain the situation. to get them to help me. i was completely and utterly at the end of my ability to figure out what the hell to do... i didn't have anyone to turn to to ask for help. it was community mental health ffs... if someone else was more appropriate for me to ask... then i needed them to tell me who to ask because i didn't f*ck*ng know.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 7, 2014, at 0:05:12
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2014, at 23:50:22
i think i could have done a better job of defending than my lawyer... but not a better job of the defending of me. because i would have gone off on a tangent... gotten upset... i'm too personally involved in my own case to be appropriately objective. she represented me better than i could have represented myself and i am grateful to her.
but... it was an incoherant appeal on her behalf... i mean... she presented my case in a way that was... incoherant. she is really young. it wouldn't surprise me to learn that she's first year out of law school... that i'm her first case, even. i'm fairly sure she was given my case because my case is a no brainer for a judge... the judge (after going on for a while -- to educate my lawyer mostly, i think, but also to encourage me to think about how the f*ck i have a coherant story with allowing a diminished responsibility due to aspergers defence together with citing application to medical school (disclosure statements on disability / health that impacts and criminal convictions) BOTH as mitigating...
i didn't know she was going to appeal to diminished responsibility to be fair. i thought dx may be mitigating... but tension with that and fitness to practice. signing 'i do not have a health condition that is likely to adversely affect practice' IN GOOD CONSCIENCE. It is a tension i feel... I decided for Otago that my condition isn't likely to adversely affect... Because a condition is the wrong category of thing to affect... Individual responsibility must be decided on a case by case basis not on the basis of dx category the DSM tells us so... I really wasn't expecting my lawyer to appeal to dx so crudely... Especially given teh health letter from my nurse... Which was a lovely letter... To the effect that the dx affects different individuals differently and that she has never felt threatened by me and that I am intelligent and articulate but that... Sometimes I am not the best advocate for myself.
Which was wonderful, really. I mean... I couldn't have written a better letter myself...
I don't know what case load my lawyer has... Afterwards she was all like 'you are the most organised person I've had with getting me the relevant documents that I needed'. I think... She learned... She probably should have spent more time on my case... Since I was organised and motivated...
The case just before mine... A guy... A wonderful lawyer. A bit of a show pony... But she did her job f*ck*ng well. WEnt on and on and on... Very compelling. Trying to talk to the police before hand... To get them to not oppose her reccommendation... The reccommendation negotiated between them all... Then she presented the summary of everything to the judge... Then the judge cites everything back (demonstrating understanding - or not...Depending on how the case was presented to her) and then the verdict is made... Typically... Agreeing with teh consensus. Of course.
It was a 'higher court'. Perhaps not in any official sense... Or perhaps yes. I don't know if there is a hierarchy of courts / judges within the district court. Perhaps they take turns... The judges, I mean. At hearing cases near the start (where peple are being assigned duty lawyers) where people are entering pleas... Right at the end... LIke this was. With room for a jury trial....
I'm a little sad to get kicked out the other end. What now will I do on Thursdays?
I want to find the precedent case... I want to know what happened with that. I feel... Upset that my lawyer mostly focused on that.
The judge mostly focused on: I didn't hurt the victim - only her feelings / pride. That... Insensitivity to that is inconsistent with wanting a career in medicine. I don't have anything special for society.... I can do a bunch of stuff that other people can do to... But I want recognition / respect for some of that. So...
I need to learn to be the 'bigger person' in some sense. Most especially if I want society to give me the power you get as a doc.
Something that has come up a lot in law... Power... I always thought power was a responsibility not a ... Not something you wanted. It was a responsibility. MOre a burden. But then learning about the balance of power etc. Assumption being everyone is after their own interests. I think law is hard for me because it seems more about that... (though perhaps not for judges... i don't know)... but it certainly shouldn't be for docs.
The judges were wise. I think. I have... Greater respect for the courts.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 7, 2014, at 18:12:45
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 7, 2014, at 0:05:12
i think i keep surprising the law people with just how little i know about... everything. their focus is so... different.
i've been thinking a lot about socrates. his trial. 'corrupting the young'. he was sentenced to death by hemlock. his friends visited him and said they could escape him out and help him go live someplace else. he thought that that wouldn't be the right thing to do. they tried to persuade him why it was acceptable... he rejected all their reasons. reasons about how he didn't have a fair trial (positivist reasons, i guess). reasons about how what he was doing was alright (appeal to some natural law, i guess). i can't remember all the reasons... he said that those laws protected him and raised him and he was thus bound by them. a positivist, i guess. sometimes the law... simply doesn't track morality.
the ring of gyges... a symbol of unlimited power. why be moral if you could do anything you like - and you were guaranteed to be able to get away with it. most people: you have no reason at all. that surprises me. most people are... psychopaths. huh.
i think law runs together morality and legality because... they don't really have a sense of morality. they are trained to focus on legality and morality just kind of... falls out. there is a sense of a distinction between what the law *is* and what the law *should be*. and i guess some sense that moral considerations (among other considerations) play some role in determining what *should be*. but there is no real sense of morality...
something... kantian. something... intrinsic. like the cogito. to see... to comprehend... a sense of morality as something like that. a reason to be moral even though nobody will know if you aren't. a reason to be moral even though being moral will have no good consequences at all. being moral because... it is the right thing to do. morality... goodness... a world with more morality is a better world - whether we know it or not. something... like grasping the cogito... you just see the validity / rightness / indubitibility...
i do miss philosophy sometimes.
and plato's republic. i was extremely lucky to get to TA for someone who is... just brilliant on plato's republic. and kant. to understand why kant thought the will to suicide was contradictory. to... actually grasp some of that and simply see the rightness. of course to then start to question the source of the feeling of rightness and the veracity of that and so on and so forth... but to at least grasp what it is that we are talking about.
i do miss philosophy someitmes.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 9, 2014, at 19:05:47
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 7, 2014, at 18:12:45
I got the 8th edition of mcmurray (org chem) in hardcover. If that doesn't help me love Organic... There isn't any hope for me. The 7th was beautiful... But the 8th has a black cover... And I love black. Really very. I got Tortora the other day... 13th. 14th doesn't seem to be out anywhere yet... But it has a black cover, again. Matt. With a shiny collage of histology for the title. A beautiful book, indeed. I think it is my year. It must be my year. All the black... This is the year for me.
I see why we have Tortora rather than Marieb. More clinical focus. More histology focus. More anatomy photos. And we get a pretty crappy little atlas with it... But it is an atlas. I don't know why the freak they want to start with the head... The most complicated thing... I don't know why they want to start with the most complicated thing... But whatever.. Maybe that's the way to make it feel less complicated later. Maybe if they taught thermodynamics first instead of last...
I am sad that I didn't manage to get the 13th of Campbell's Bio in hardcover... But I suppose it matters least. Campbell's Bio is more of a suppliment...
I found some stuff online. Validating. About books... Textbooks. About how it is common for people to try stuff out with PDF's but that most (university) people will buy the ones they want to spend time with. A bunch of stuff... Validating. About how you learn to spatially navigate your way around the information... Yeah.
They are beautiful books. I think... The most beautiful books I've ever owned. And I love book. I really really really really love books. It certainly isn't the only reason... But one of the reasons why I wanted to do medicine... They get the very best books. The most beautiful. The most clear (revisions really are helpful). Anyway... I could have got an earlier edition... Or a softcover... But who am I kidding... The mental thing really is important. I will love this book... I can't wait for my molymod kit to arrive so I can make everything as it is introduced...
Thermodynamics sucks. I don't get it any mroe than I did last time. I mean... Relaly... I haven't managed to learn anything more of it this time round. Not a single thing. I think... I won't do physics for summer school. I'll... Work my way through the organic chemistry course lectures that I found online.
The going nuts through lack of socialization thing... Not entirely sure what to do about that... I wonder if the philosophers would get upset with me hanging out a lot in their tearoom over summer?? They seem to have removed me from their seminar lists since I stopped going...
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