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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by corafree on November 13, 2005, at 11:50:22
I've been marking everything as I've unpacked it here @ this new condo I hate. I lost my Dad, my home in Iowa, my home in Tempe, and now another love in my life. I've had eescapy and trauma. I've seen evil and I've seen good. I'm too tired .. not bathing .. not brushing teeth .. not caring .. just don't want anyone around me as I have no more to give. I've prayed so much for so long. I am so much more than anyone can even see anymore, and I want to feel that way about myself as I leave this life. I do not dislike myself and I've asked for forgiveness for my mistakes. I'm sooo tiiirrreeeddddd. I asked for help from my family, but they are all too busy. So that of course makes the burden seem cumbersome upon them and causes me to feel guilty. Well damn it, I've given them all so much. I've put myself aside for more people than I can count. God help me I'm Tired! Leave me alone now .. all of you (not you guys) .. I'm just too damn sick and tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cf
Posted by april8 on November 13, 2005, at 12:11:03
In reply to Preparing To Die, posted by corafree on November 13, 2005, at 11:50:22
It is hard when you feel so un-supported. If you are suicidal then check into the hospital because at least they will be there for you and help you eat and assist you. Sometime when we have no one reliable in our lives we have to seek it out with professionals.
I am going through a similar thing with many recent losses. I have no family and my friends are unreliable losers. At this point I am hiring somenoe to come in and help me clean and feed me lunch. I am only 35, but who cares, I need caretaking too, and for god sakes our community is not set up in a supportive way AT ALL. our culture sets us up for this isolation. It is wrong!
I am also going to go to a grief support group, you might seek out something like that in your area.
Posted by allisonross on November 13, 2005, at 12:35:26
In reply to Preparing To Die, posted by corafree on November 13, 2005, at 11:50:22
> Dearest Cora; I am so sad for you, as I read what you have written. You are in so much pain, I know.
I've been marking everything as I've unpacked it here @ this new condo I hate. I lost my Dad, my home in Iowa, my home in Tempe, and now another love in my life. I've had eescapy and trauma. I've seen evil and I've seen good. I'm too tired .. not bathing .. not brushing teeth .. not caring .. just don't want anyone around me as I have no more to give.
Can you (or are you) go to therapy?
I've prayed so much for so long. I am so much more than anyone can even see anymore, and I want to feel that way about myself as I leave this life. I do not dislike myself and I've asked for forgiveness for my mistakes.
Then you are forgiven (that's what Jesus said).
He forgave you, now can you find a way to forgive yourself?I'm sooo tiiirrreeeddddd. I asked for help from my family, but they are all too busy.
That is sad.
So that of course makes the burden seem cumbersome upon them and causes me to feel guilty. Well damn it, I've given them all so much. I've put myself aside for more people than I can count. God help me I'm Tired! Leave me alone now .. all of you (not you guys) .. I'm just too damn sick and tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cf
Sounds as if you are a believer. Perhaps my website will resonate with you. www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com
Faith-based poems of anguish, healing and comfort.
Please write to me, if you wish. e-mail: wacalice@aol.com
I wish I could hug you and talk to you, and take away some of your pain. Feeling hopeless, is just about the worst one can feel, and I sense that from what you have written.Please don't destroy yourself. Things seem totally black right now. I understand.
It seems that nothing can ever be okay or right again/right now? God loves you and I do.
You've had major losses and trauma. Can you be gentle with yourself right now, and just rest?
Call a mental health hotline, hospital, etc. to get some help?
You are a precious person, who is trying to stay out of pain.
I have read that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"
I know it doesn't seem temporary to you. You are in so much pain and just want to give up. I hope you won't.
Posted by corafree on November 13, 2005, at 15:28:06
In reply to Re: Preparing To Die, posted by april8 on November 13, 2005, at 12:11:03
Your name is my birthday.
Hospitals take away my cigarettes and my pain medicine for my back.
I've been in probably 10-12 grief support sessions and it didn't help me.
> It is hard when you feel so un-supported. If you are suicidal then check into the hospital because at least they will be there for you and help you eat and assist you. Sometime when we have no one reliable in our lives we have to seek it out with professionals.
>
> I am going through a similar thing with many recent losses. I have no family and my friends are unreliable losers. At this point I am hiring somenoe to come in and help me clean and feed me lunch. I am only 35, but who cares, I need caretaking too, and for god sakes our community is not set up in a supportive way AT ALL. our culture sets us up for this isolation. It is wrong!
> I am also going to go to a grief support group, you might seek out something like that in your area.
>
Posted by TexasChic on November 13, 2005, at 17:28:37
In reply to Preparing To Die, posted by corafree on November 13, 2005, at 11:50:22
I don't know if it helps, but I've been where you are. In some ways I'm still there. Its something I have to battle every day. I can identify with it all:
- deaths of those close to you
- living with chronic pain
- the family that takes advantage of your giving nature and then won't help you when the time comes
- lost love
- feeling hopelessly tired and used upI don't really have any 'new' advice to give you. What helped me was a combination of meds, therapy, and sheer force of will sometimes - which I would never have had without the previous two. I know without any one of that combo, I would never be where I am today. Not that I'm all happy and la-ti-da. Its just that now I have the energy and the will to at least 'attempt' to better my life. Whereas before I wouldn't have even tried. Its still really freaking hard, but I have no plans of giving up now that a 'normal' life is within my reach. I don't really know what I'm trying to tell you with all this. I guess just to try to get the help you need, and a 'normal' life could be within your reach sooner than you think.
Oh yeah, that and get a cat. My kitty has been my closest companion and I don't know what I would have done without him.
-T
Posted by corafree on November 13, 2005, at 20:24:37
In reply to Re: Preparing To Die, posted by TexasChic on November 13, 2005, at 17:28:37
Yes it sounds like you really know where I am.
The thing is ... a combo of meds is what I don't want anymore.
I rec'd an injection of bioidentical hormone a few months back. I called my OB-GYN (this happens to men too by the way) in amazement. I said 'This stuff is Great! I had such a feeling of well being'.
Now I believe that 25+ yrs ago, this is what my body needed too.
I was having crying spells and finally after a few years (duh) I realized that they were at the same time every month. I know NOW that I had what is now called DPMS.
BUT, I was given psych drugs. Now today my body seems not to know what to do w/o psych drugs!
Having had a nervous breakdown prior to these injections, in March, I need anxiety medication, big time, now ... Valium 10mg x3 a day.
Well, no P will go w/ just Valium. Oh no, you've got to take an anti-depressant whether you're depressed or not! So I chose what I thought was the most benign one - Prozac. I'd taken it in the past, hadn't had any bad side effects. Except now they're saying Prozac in teens may cause them to feel suicidal.
My only other option was Eff-XR, and I just feel it is a dirtier(sp?) drug .. one that messes w/ my brain chemicals tooo much! They wanted me to take it again tho'.
I haven't been sleeping and asked for a regular sleeping pill. They (the State) won't give me one. THEY don't do that. I have to take another anti-depressant! I'm so sick of these damn psych drugs. I was prescribed Remeron and I felt awful the next day. Not taking it.
Anyway, I take Excedrin-PM and Neurontin (prescribed by my PCP for pain) only 300 mgs .. I've tried 600 mgs but am very dizzy in the morn' and sort of zoned-out a bit during the day. And, I know this is a very small dose of Neurontin!??
The best thing I've ever received for depression, and lots of other problems, is the Estradiol Valerate (plant hormone) I had started before this move, and this loss.
I fell backwards into a hole I thought I'd never see again.
I HAVE to continue to protect my family from being financially responsible for me by continuing the SERIOUSLY MENTAL ILL game in my State. That way, no one has to pay for pills and I get housing assistance, .. but worked a little too long to get food stamps .. am just $40 over poverty level.
And now that I have been put in the position of moving to higher priced condo; I have to continue-continue playing SERIOUSLY MENTALLY ILL .. so housing will pay for my small condo.
A non-stressful, can't transcribe anymore .. was a medical transcriptionist, and no lifting job, will not make this small condo affordable to me.
I don't believe I am seriously mentally ill. I don't think I ever have. I thought I was on my way out of that system, until my mother wanted to sell my small, quite less expensive condo.
Now I am forced to stay in the system.
Besides cervical disc extrusions; I have a toxic megacolon which wreaks havoc w/ me daily and only wish I could have surgery for that. And, I also a cystocele, rectocele and prolapse. I had a big baby boy. (Girls always chose c-sections if your babies are large!).
I'm a cat chasing their tail.
So many doc appts and surgeries in my future .. I can't work. And, I want to.
My daughter is allergic to CATS .. can't even visit a house where there is one.
See .. I'm screwed!
I hate to give up, but too much emotional pain, too much physical pain, too many damn doctors appts. And, too much to do all by myself .. I need someone else here with me, physically, to care.
Thank-you for taking your time to write and best wishes, cf
> I don't know if it helps, but I've been where you are. In some ways I'm still there. Its something I have to battle every day. I can identify with it all:
> - deaths of those close to you
> - living with chronic pain
> - the family that takes advantage of your giving nature and then won't help you when the time comes
> - lost love
> - feeling hopelessly tired and used up
>
> I don't really have any 'new' advice to give you. What helped me was a combination of meds, therapy, and sheer force of will sometimes - which I would never have had without the previous two. I know without any one of that combo, I would never be where I am today. Not that I'm all happy and la-ti-da. Its just that now I have the energy and the will to at least 'attempt' to better my life. Whereas before I wouldn't have even tried. Its still really freaking hard, but I have no plans of giving up now that a 'normal' life is within my reach. I don't really know what I'm trying to tell you with all this. I guess just to try to get the help you need, and a 'normal' life could be within your reach sooner than you think.
>
> Oh yeah, that and get a cat. My kitty has been my closest companion and I don't know what I would have done without him.
>
> -T
Posted by Phillipa on November 13, 2005, at 21:03:00
In reply to Re: Preparing To Die » TexasChic, posted by corafree on November 13, 2005, at 20:24:37
Corafree I have a new E-mail address. Can't remember if I sent it to you. I'll Babblemail it now. I too have a rectocele and since we moved l1/2weeks ago have been in emergency room, colonoscopy, internist who thinks my loss of taste and smell are related to chronic lymes disease. An infection control specialist treated me and he said it should have been a rheumatologist. X-rays done of spine degenerative changes, multiple blood work, rulling out autoimmune diseases. Husband no job, daughter and son getting divorce. New pdoc appointment not til end of Dec. Fondly, Phillipa, ps a toy poodle like I have is hypoallergenic.
Posted by corafree on November 13, 2005, at 22:25:18
In reply to Re: Preparing To Die » corafree, posted by Phillipa on November 13, 2005, at 21:03:00
Hi Girl. Not sure re: your email address. I responded (a short note) to an email from you about a week or more ago.
This whole below the chest area 'insides messed up' isn't being handled correctly. I actually have four diff' docs and none of them are interacting. A URO-GYN, a butt doc, an OB-GYN, and now a gastrointentinal doc. Unless, one of them puts together all the pieces of this puzzle, there is no proper treatment in sight.
Here I go again about State insurance .. my PCP is very good about referring me, but it's as if he doesn't take me seriously. My ex says no one takes me seriously because I always look good. I don't 'look' sick enough. Some one of these doctors should be pulling this all together and map out a plan, but which, as each seems particularly more concerned about their own specialty. I believe I need surgery to remove part of my colon and I (Like I should be the one thinking of this!) think that might likely change the constant pressure that is being put on the organs beneath it. It was my URO-GYN (They're the newest and busiest docs w/ all these poor women having their organs fall down, apart, or whatever, either from difficult deliveries or hysterectomies. She told me to tell anyone wondering whether to deliver naturally or cesarean, to opt for the cesarean. Heck, she'll have plenty of customers to last her life!) that saw (she was doing an insert-something .. camera view) and diagnosed toxic megacolon. That means you're full of s*hit up high and the colon below it is not large enough for it to get through. All she seemed to be concerned with at the end of the study tho', was what she would do about my cystocele and bladder prolapse. A new surgery w/ mesh that actually 'meshes and becomes part of your body' is put in to hold up the organs. But, it will fail if you have constipation. Of course, w/ a toxic megacolon you certainly have constipation. I go less than a kitten for 4+ days and then my belly swells, churns, pain, takes forever, and finally it all bursts out. It is horrible. If I can't get these docs to work together somehow, mistakes will be made, too many procedures will be done, and ultimately too much trauma on my body.
At psych hospitals that I can afford, your physical problems are to be left outside the door like a soft drink. I need special items and privacy.
All that said, .. this has been going on for years. The above, and the cervical (very upper spine) extrusions, wear me out and lay me out.
My mind is clearer than my body!
What I said about cigarettes, .. if they take them away from me long enough, I'll certainly appear mentally ill, and before I know it, someone will be slapping on a new dx.
With Valium, you can't wait to receive your midday dosage. It's not a close the glass window and techs' chuckle thing. It's serious. I can begin to hyperventilate, feel pressure in the top of my head, and pass out. 'Go back to your room and wait until so-n-so has time to get to you', and they aren't johnny-on-the-spot with benzos, is bad. So bad, that you'll see the floor start to slide out in front of you and pass out, and do we need to smash our heads on concrete floors while being cared for?
I cannot go to ERs, because once you sign in, you are not allowed to go outside for a cigarette, and I'm sorry to those of you who don't get it, but I'm addicted to cigarettes. My last visit to an ER, I sat in waiting approx 3hrs and then in a bed prob' 2hrs. By that time I was sobbing hysterically. I heard someone laugh and say, 'she thinks she's special'.
And by that time, I'd nearly forgotten what I'd come in for. Being w/o a cigarette for so long, I'd gone from anger to deep-down sadness.
Just some reasons I cannot go to an ER or a hospital.
I told the love lost that I thought I was preparing to die this morning. When I first met him 10yrs ago, he would say he was suicidal and I would seek help. I haven't heard a word from him, or anyone, and he knows my children's last names.
youknowhowIfeelaboutyou, cf
> Corafree I have a new E-mail address. Can't remember if I sent it to you. I'll Babblemail it now. I too have a rectocele and since we moved l1/2weeks ago have been in emergency room, colonoscopy, internist who thinks my loss of taste and smell are related to chronic lymes disease. An infection control specialist treated me and he said it should have been a rheumatologist. X-rays done of spine degenerative changes, multiple blood work, rulling out autoimmune diseases. Husband no job, daughter and son getting divorce. New pdoc appointment not til end of Dec. Fondly, Phillipa, ps a toy poodle like I have is hypoallergenic.
Posted by Phillipa on November 13, 2005, at 22:38:52
In reply to Re: Preparing To Die » Phillipa, posted by corafree on November 13, 2005, at 22:25:18
Corafree checked last cooresponcence with you and you did have my old E-mail address. babbled you my new one. If you don't get it Babblemail me and I'll send it to you again. Fondly, phillipa
Posted by corafree on November 14, 2005, at 2:24:42
In reply to Re: Preparing To Die » corafree, posted by Phillipa on November 13, 2005, at 22:38:52
I got it .. tks.
Can't sleep .. sick to stomach.
Want to just wait and watch the sun rise as long as I live.
Then second thought, that seems selfish to me.
cf
> Corafree checked last cooresponcence with you and you did have my old E-mail address. babbled you my new one. If you don't get it Babblemail me and I'll send it to you again. Fondly, phillipa
Posted by TexasChic on November 14, 2005, at 19:55:11
In reply to Re: Preparing To Die » TexasChic, posted by corafree on November 13, 2005, at 20:24:37
> The thing is ... a combo of meds is what I don't want anymore.
I can definitely understand that. My doc put me on a new med for 6 months last year and I just about lost my mind. So now I'm back on good old Prozac, and that's where I plan to stay (I don't even know why I got off it in the first place). If it hadn't worked for me, I don't know where I'd be now. I'm very grateful I found one that works for me, because I know not everybody does.
> I rec'd an injection of bioidentical hormone a few months back. I called my OB-GYN (this happens to men too by the way) in amazement. I said 'This stuff is Great! I had such a feeling of well being'.Yeah, hormones seem to have a big effect on your emotional well being. I don't think they fully understand the reasons yet. I've had alot of female problems too. I went on Lupron for 6 months, which puts you in a medically induced menopause. And I have to tell you, I have 'never' had anything effect me in such a way! It made me very angry! Or at least, it kept me from being able to bottle it up like I usually do. I have a very difficult time expressing anger, and usually just become very passive. So when I started thinking about how I wanted to go fight my idiot supervisor in the parking lot, I was like, whoa! That's new! I feel sorry for whoever I'm around when the real thing happens.
>I know NOW that I had what is now called DPMS. BUT, I was given psych drugs. Now today my body seems not to know what to do w/o psych drugs!Yeah, that's pretty messed up. One of these days they will have done a million tests and be able to tell what hormones and seratonin 'really' do. They just don't know all that much yet. It's pretty much like, "Here, try this and we'll see what happens."
> I chose what I thought was the most benign one - Prozac. I'd taken it in the past, hadn't had any bad side effects. Except now they're saying Prozac in teens may cause them to feel suicidal.I believe that is something that strictly applies to teens and adolescents. Maybe something to do with hormones????
> My only other option was Eff-XR, and I just feel it is a dirtier(sp?) drug .Is that Effexor? All I know about that is the withdrawels are bad when you decide to stop them. My sister takes them and if she misses one she feels all dizzy and sick.
> I haven't been sleeping and asked for a regular sleeping pill. They (the State) won't give me one. THEY don't do that. I have to take another anti-depressant!That's strange. I wonder why they won't give you Ambien. Maybe because its not supposed to be used long term. But if you're asking your doctor for a sleeping pill, it looks like it would be because you 'are' having a long term problem with it. Duh!
> Anyway, I take Excedrin-PMOne thing a friend told me once who was a nurse, is that the ingredient they put in over the counter sleep aids like Tylenol pm and Excedrin pm is Benedryl. If you compare the ingredients you'll see its the same. I get store brand Benedryl for like, two bucks a box. It works pretty well for me (but my insomnia isn't 'that' bad these days).
> worked a little too long to get food stamps .. am just $40 over poverty level.
That sucks so bad. My sister is in the same boat. She makes too much to get food stamps, yet she can barely keep afloat. I told her to go to the food bank. But she hasn't done it yet.
> I don't believe I am seriously mentally ill. I don't think I ever have.
I think the term 'mentally ill' has a 'very' wide meaning, and is not an accurate description for most people.
> Besides cervical disc extrusions; I have a toxic megacolon which wreaks havoc w/ me daily and only wish I could have surgery for that. And, I also a cystocele, rectocele and prolapse.
Oh my God, I don't even know what all that stuff is! But I do know what its like to have chronic pain (the female stuff, and TMJ problems) and how crappy doctors are about giving you meds. I had one accuse me of being a drug seeker, and I was pratically suicidal from the pain. I was like, do you really think I would have gone through Lupron Hell for 6 months if I wasn't in pain?!
> My daughter is allergic to CATS .. can't even visit a house where there is one.
Aw-w-w. I'm sorry. I'm alergic too but Claritin takes care of mine. I also think as I've gotten older I have become less alergic though.
I didn't realize you had kids when I said get a cat. You probably don't need one then. I'm single and alone and my cat is sometimes the only living thing I associate with outside of work. He definitely makes a difference in my life.> I hate to give up, but too much emotional pain, too much physical pain, too many damn doctors appts. And, too much to do all by myself .. I need someone else here with me, physically, to care.
I don't know how many times I've said, "I just need someone to take care of me! Its just too hard!" Not very independent women of me I know, but sometimes it just gets to be so overwhelming.
Well, hang in there. You never know what's around the corner. I saw on the news that they have a possible cure for cancer. You just never know what will pop up next.
-T
Posted by corafree on November 15, 2005, at 10:23:51
In reply to Re: Preparing To Die » corafree, posted by TexasChic on November 14, 2005, at 19:55:11
T - Thank you.
I don't know for sure where or how to move on from here.
I let all of my fam' know that I'm out of commission for a while, so that they won't expect of me, and I'll try not to expect of them.
There's something going on .. I can't put my finger on it.
I feel like I'm drifting.
bw,cf
Posted by Phillipa on November 15, 2005, at 21:39:35
In reply to Re: Preparing To Die » corafree, posted by TexasChic on November 14, 2005, at 19:55:11
Corsfree just tell the doctor you're taking the Ad. And don't take it. Fondly, phillipa PS i don't advocate lying but in your case if your mental health is at stake I'd do it.
Posted by corafree on November 15, 2005, at 23:41:44
In reply to Re: Preparing To Die » TexasChic, posted by Phillipa on November 15, 2005, at 21:39:35
Yes, I know. Already done. tks,cf
This is the end of the thread.
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