Posted by corafree on November 13, 2005, at 20:24:37
In reply to Re: Preparing To Die, posted by TexasChic on November 13, 2005, at 17:28:37
Yes it sounds like you really know where I am.
The thing is ... a combo of meds is what I don't want anymore.
I rec'd an injection of bioidentical hormone a few months back. I called my OB-GYN (this happens to men too by the way) in amazement. I said 'This stuff is Great! I had such a feeling of well being'.
Now I believe that 25+ yrs ago, this is what my body needed too.
I was having crying spells and finally after a few years (duh) I realized that they were at the same time every month. I know NOW that I had what is now called DPMS.
BUT, I was given psych drugs. Now today my body seems not to know what to do w/o psych drugs!
Having had a nervous breakdown prior to these injections, in March, I need anxiety medication, big time, now ... Valium 10mg x3 a day.
Well, no P will go w/ just Valium. Oh no, you've got to take an anti-depressant whether you're depressed or not! So I chose what I thought was the most benign one - Prozac. I'd taken it in the past, hadn't had any bad side effects. Except now they're saying Prozac in teens may cause them to feel suicidal.
My only other option was Eff-XR, and I just feel it is a dirtier(sp?) drug .. one that messes w/ my brain chemicals tooo much! They wanted me to take it again tho'.
I haven't been sleeping and asked for a regular sleeping pill. They (the State) won't give me one. THEY don't do that. I have to take another anti-depressant! I'm so sick of these damn psych drugs. I was prescribed Remeron and I felt awful the next day. Not taking it.
Anyway, I take Excedrin-PM and Neurontin (prescribed by my PCP for pain) only 300 mgs .. I've tried 600 mgs but am very dizzy in the morn' and sort of zoned-out a bit during the day. And, I know this is a very small dose of Neurontin!??
The best thing I've ever received for depression, and lots of other problems, is the Estradiol Valerate (plant hormone) I had started before this move, and this loss.
I fell backwards into a hole I thought I'd never see again.
I HAVE to continue to protect my family from being financially responsible for me by continuing the SERIOUSLY MENTAL ILL game in my State. That way, no one has to pay for pills and I get housing assistance, .. but worked a little too long to get food stamps .. am just $40 over poverty level.
And now that I have been put in the position of moving to higher priced condo; I have to continue-continue playing SERIOUSLY MENTALLY ILL .. so housing will pay for my small condo.
A non-stressful, can't transcribe anymore .. was a medical transcriptionist, and no lifting job, will not make this small condo affordable to me.
I don't believe I am seriously mentally ill. I don't think I ever have. I thought I was on my way out of that system, until my mother wanted to sell my small, quite less expensive condo.
Now I am forced to stay in the system.
Besides cervical disc extrusions; I have a toxic megacolon which wreaks havoc w/ me daily and only wish I could have surgery for that. And, I also a cystocele, rectocele and prolapse. I had a big baby boy. (Girls always chose c-sections if your babies are large!).
I'm a cat chasing their tail.
So many doc appts and surgeries in my future .. I can't work. And, I want to.
My daughter is allergic to CATS .. can't even visit a house where there is one.
See .. I'm screwed!
I hate to give up, but too much emotional pain, too much physical pain, too many damn doctors appts. And, too much to do all by myself .. I need someone else here with me, physically, to care.
Thank-you for taking your time to write and best wishes, cf
> I don't know if it helps, but I've been where you are. In some ways I'm still there. Its something I have to battle every day. I can identify with it all:
> - deaths of those close to you
> - living with chronic pain
> - the family that takes advantage of your giving nature and then won't help you when the time comes
> - lost love
> - feeling hopelessly tired and used up
>
> I don't really have any 'new' advice to give you. What helped me was a combination of meds, therapy, and sheer force of will sometimes - which I would never have had without the previous two. I know without any one of that combo, I would never be where I am today. Not that I'm all happy and la-ti-da. Its just that now I have the energy and the will to at least 'attempt' to better my life. Whereas before I wouldn't have even tried. Its still really freaking hard, but I have no plans of giving up now that a 'normal' life is within my reach. I don't really know what I'm trying to tell you with all this. I guess just to try to get the help you need, and a 'normal' life could be within your reach sooner than you think.
>
> Oh yeah, that and get a cat. My kitty has been my closest companion and I don't know what I would have done without him.
>
> -T
poster:corafree
thread:578215
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051109/msgs/578369.html