![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 9:20:33
I just posted about this in Grief, but my cat's at the clinic right now, going to be put to sleep sometime today. The circumstances are going to make an already unpleasant family situation even harder to cope with - he did NOT need to be put to sleep, and I had no warning, and my mother didn't even make it so that I could be with him when he died. I hate myself so much right now. To make matters worse, my pdoc is away. We're about halfway through a month break right now. I'm going to call the T who's covering for him to make an appointment, but it's just not the same.
All the same... I register for college tomorrow. I need to pull myself together and pay my fees and buy my textbooks and talk to one professor about a fundraiser coming up and give my program coordinator the heads-up as to my... condition. (I find it goes easier if I warn them that there might be problems before any actually occur.) I don't know how to do that. I can't stop crying right now. Twenty-four hours after I hastily whispered, "I love you, boy; I'm sorry" before they took him away, I'm going to have to as composed as possible. How is this even possible? Any tips?
Posted by Ilene on August 17, 2004, at 12:22:50
In reply to How do I get through this...?, posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 9:20:33
I'm really sorry about your cat. It's hard for me to find the words to express it. I know how much you can love an animal. I had two wonderful cats who we finally had to put down when they got old and sick. The vet came to our house and we held our friends while they died.
Your family situation sounds so difficult. Are you living at home or in a dorm?
I've found I can sometimes just bulldoze through a situation. Maybe when you find yourself in your school enviroment you can distract yourself and just do what needs to be done.
Posted by woolav on August 17, 2004, at 12:27:36
In reply to How do I get through this...?, posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 9:20:33
The only advice i can give is that you have to know he will always be with you. I know people say its a bunch of crap and dont believe in spirits. But my beloved dog had to be put to sleep because of cancer and I was too WEAK mentally to be with her during the final minutes. My ex husband had to take her. And I felt like the worst mom ever, I mean, how could I not be there with her for the end..But shortly after her passing, she came to me in a dream. She was glowing and I knew she was letting me know she was okay. Just remember your boy isnt gone forever, he's always with you..
It will get better. And good luck with college.
S
Posted by tootercat on August 17, 2004, at 12:46:09
In reply to Re: How do I get through this...?, posted by woolav on August 17, 2004, at 12:27:36
I know how hard it is to "live" through the death or loss of a beloved pet; they are my babies. I am concerned about why he is being put down if he does NOT need to be put down...why is he? Sorry to be nosy; is there an alternative? Most places will not euthanize an animal if there is no illness....at any rate I know it is traumatic for you and wish you strength. DO NOT let guilt eat you alive....we do the very best we can do with the creatures we love and that is all they would ask of us....animals are very forgiving.....we are the ones who hang on to pain....it is necessary for a while but not forever....hope any of this made sense....or gave a sense of not being alone.....
Hugs,
Tooter
Posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 14:55:23
In reply to Re: How do I get through this...? » Klokka, posted by Ilene on August 17, 2004, at 12:22:50
I live at home... if it can be called home anymore, anyway. My cat's the only thing that made it "home" at all. Especially now that whatever trust I had in my mother is severed... she KNEW very well what she was doing. This is so hard. I don't want to live with these people who value money and convenience over a living being anymore. I don't want to live with people who are supposed to protect me and get angry with me for being hurt. I don't know what to do. I saw the therapist replacing my pdoc today and she suggested a bunch of places I could go to get away from home right now, but I don't have the heart to call. I'm hurting and I keep wanting to hold my cat and cry into his fur, but he isn't there, and he should be. He's probably gone by now, not that I could do a thing to help him if he was still alive.
Thanks so much for posting. I'm hoping I'll be able to do that with school. At least it'll allow me to be away from home for up to thirteen hours per day, plus transport time... this place feels toxic to me right now.
Posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 14:58:42
In reply to Re: How do I get through this...?, posted by woolav on August 17, 2004, at 12:27:36
Thank you. I will try and remember that... this is all still so surreal. His dishes and litterbox haven't even been moved yet... I haven't the heart to do it. I keep looking for him when I walk through the apartment, and it still feels like a surprise when he's just not there.
Posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 15:11:55
In reply to I am SO sorry Klokka, posted by tootercat on August 17, 2004, at 12:46:09
My mom had him put down because she was tired of cleaning his litterbox and paying his vet bills... that was all. He had slightly loose stools with a bit of blood, and off she went to arrange for his death. There probably was an alternative, but she wouldn't hear it. Even if not, he wasn't very ill. He still obviously took enjoyment from life and likely had a few good years in him. This would be so much easier for me to understand if he had seemed to be suffering (apart from litterbox trouble.) He still enjoyed being scratched under the chin, he still chased paper balls and flashlight beams down the hall, he still eagerly hopped up on my lap when I settled down to watch TV... there was no reason for him to die. Maybe we don't have the money to treat him rightthisinstant, he may very well have been in good enough shape to last until we could. It sickens me. I wish so badly that I was in a position to stop this. I hate being so powerless. I can't stop thinking of how his last hours must have been... he was terrified when the assistant took him from my arms, and never takes well to strange places. I wish I could have at least been there. I hope he was "seen" shortly... at least then he wouldn't have suffered too much. I don't even know what I'm going to do when I see my mother when she gets back from work. I know she knew full well what she was doing, and expects nothing but for me to move on like everything's okay.
Thank you for posting, it did help. I'll try not to feel too guilty about it, but it's so hard. I know I couldn't have done anything to change the outcome, but I hate myself for bringing him into that clinic and letting them take him away.
Posted by tootercat on August 17, 2004, at 16:58:20
In reply to Re: I am SO sorry Klokka, posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 15:11:55
I can't tell if this happened today or yesterday....or has yet to happen.....if it hasn't happened maybe somebody at the clinic knows someone who takes in "unwanted" pets....
I feel so badly for you as it sounds like you are a minor in a house that is, as you put it, toxic....Arrrggghhhh I hate when kids and animals are abused.....
Posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 23:43:38
In reply to When did this happen or has it happened yet? » Klokka, posted by tootercat on August 17, 2004, at 16:58:20
We dropped him off at the clinic this morning (August 17th.) I guess he's been put to sleep now... hope, even, because that means he's not terrified and alone anymore - I can't really do anything to reverse the decision.
I don't want to be here anymore. When my mom came home it was as bad as I anticipated. She kept blaming me, and wouldn't leave me alone even while I was still able to ask her politely. (After that, um... things kindof degenerated and I ended up leaving the house without a plan at a moment's notice for the first time since, well, ever.) I just got back from a friend's house... I don't want to sleep tonight. It's so strange to go to bed without him somehow managing to hog the middle of it. They moved the trash can to where his litterbox was, so now I think of it every time I need to throw something away, because it's not usually there. Why does it all seem so malicious? Even the therapist I saw today agreed that the circumstances of this morning looked either ignorant (they've been using the cat as a threat since we got him, and I've fallen into panic every time, how could they not know?) or ill-intentioned. I hate myself for not being awake to stop it when I still could've. I've been setting my alarm for 6-7 in the morning to get ready for school - why not today? Turns out my dad called in hysterics and my mom overestimated the problem when she called the vet. (She's been married to the man for almost two decades and known him far longer! How could she not have taken his tendency to exaggerate into account?) She blames me for that, too... and because I don't always clean the dishes immediately when she asks, or anticipate how the house needs to be cleaned when she's never taught me. I hate myself for being a little annoyed when I'd be tired and he'd beg to leave and enter my room repeatedly... I'd give anything to hear him pawing at that door again.
Posted by woolav on August 18, 2004, at 12:51:25
In reply to Re: When did this happen or has it happened yet? » tootercat, posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 23:43:38
I am sorry you are going through all this. It seems you need to forgive yourself for something that you couldnt control. Your cat knows that. It wasnt your fault. If your mother is as bad as she sounds, you should try to get away from her. My stepfather made me give away one of my cats after i got divorced and had to stay with them temporarily. He said i had to make sacrifices and one of them was giving up Pepper. Luckly, my aunt in another city took her. But, otherwise i think my evil stepfather would have dumped her on the side of the road...........he has no empathy! why are ppl so unthoughtful. Doesnt your mom see its hurting you???
S
Posted by pegasus on August 18, 2004, at 13:39:42
In reply to Re: When did this happen or has it happened yet? » tootercat, posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 23:43:38
Klokka,
This is so sad it made me cry. I really feel for you. Losing a pet is heart breaking, but even worse when it doesn't have to happen. And your lack of control here just makes my heart ache for you. I'm glad that you're going to have ways to stay away from home soon. I wish I had some advice for the next day or so, but I don't. I think you have a really good reason to be crying and upset and grieving.
When I was a teenager, we had 3 cats, and one of them developed kidney problems, and so was having frequent UTIs. Unfortunately for him, the way he chose to express his discomfort was to pee on my dad's desk. So, at one point, my dad just got tired of it, and decided to have him put to sleep. He was really my brother's cat, but my dad asked me to help him, because I was good at bundling the cats up for the vet. So, I helped him. We never even told my brother. A couple of days later, when my brother was asking if anyone had seen his cat, we all froze, and he figured it out. I can't believe we did that to him (the cat and my brother). I can't believe I helped my dad at all. I think I figured that he'd do it without me if I didn't help, so this way at least I could try to comfort the cat on the way.
Oh, it's just so sad how some people don't understand about pets.
pegasus
Posted by Klokka on August 18, 2004, at 21:25:37
In reply to Re: When did this happen or has it happened yet?, posted by woolav on August 18, 2004, at 12:51:25
I'm sorry to hear about what happened with Pepper. People can be so insensitive when it comes to pets.
I don't think my mom can not notice how it's hurting me. I guess she just doesn't care? The way she did all this has put me past the point of wanting her comfort, so I guess it's good that she hasn't offered any, but it's still so... odd. I'm used to my dad being like this, has been for as long as I can remember but now her, too? Today's been a bit easier because I know now that he's not still waiting in terror in some cage surrounded by strange animals. I don't think I will ever be able to get those horrible last memories out of my head, but at least he's at peace now and my parents can't toy around with his life like this anymore. (It's... not the best consolation because he did die from such toying, but it's something.) It's been harder, too, because it's starting to sink in. Not entirely, though... I was napping when there was a bit of a thunderstorm. Knowing how my cat is very afraid of thunder, I got up and searched frantically so I could comfort him... and then realized why I couldn't find him.
Posted by Klokka on August 18, 2004, at 21:45:38
In reply to Re: When did this happen or has it happened yet?, posted by pegasus on August 18, 2004, at 13:39:42
Thank you so much for posting. The situation you mentioned sounds like it must've been really difficult for you and your brother. It is a hard decision to make. I still feel torn about not just holding on to my kitty and doing all I could to keep them from doing this to him... I feel like a traitor for giving him to them, but I know they just would've done it by force anyway, and that would have made my poor boy's last hours even more scary.
I feel like I failed him. He was my cat. I was supposed to take care of him, to protect him. I was too stunned to even put up much of a fight. I failed. And nothing in the world can make that better or bring him back.
I just wish I knew WHY she was doing this. There is no rational reason. Money? it COST money to put him down (which we definitely don't have) and without spending that, he easily could have lived until we did have the money to have him diagnosed and treated. Convenience? to be valued over a life? now that she's at work, she wasn't even home when his litterbox needed to be cleaned. I'd been feeding him for the last weeks because the vet wanted to put him on a specific portion of hypoallergenic food and it was easier to keep track of if one person did it. Suffering? He wasn't ill. He enjoyed his life. What health problems he did have did not cause him significant distress and likely could have been helped if my mom had only had some patience. It just seems too malicious. Is she trying to hurt me? Punish me? I feel so guilty. It seems like all this happened to the cat because I'm a horrible daughter. She knew the easiest way to get at me was to go through my cat. When she came home from work that evening she yelled at me for all my shortcomings when I asked her why she had to do what she did, and in such a callous manner. Could she really have...? I don't know what to think, maybe I'm just being paranoid, but this doesn't make sense. I don't want to have to live here anymore. Maybe I should look for a job and start asking around at church to see if anyone knows of a room for rent or something. I don't know anymore. I guess I don't have much to complain about, but this isn't home anymore without him and I want out.
Posted by JenStar on August 19, 2004, at 16:59:04
In reply to How do I get through this...?, posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 9:20:33
Klokka,
I'm so sorry! The death of a pet is awful. I'm so sorry.I have a pet story, too: If it's too painful, please stop reading now...
When I was about 13, my mom got pregnant with another baby - a surprise baby. My sisters & I had adopted several cats from the alley behind the house; they had become housecats with a litterbox inside and food & toys & the whole nine yards. wE LOVED those cats. LOVED them.
However, the doctor told my mom that she needed to get rid of the cats because a pregnant woman can get toxoplasmosis which can harm the fetus. So my parents boxed up the cats and took them to the vet to be put to sleep. I remember that all of us girls rode along, in the station wagon, crying. Afterwards my dad got us icecream. we ate it. Life went on.
Months later, I felt angry and depressed and like I'd failed the kitties. I was sure I'd hate the new baby. I blamed the baby and my mom for killing the cats. Wasn't there another way~!?? Couldn't we give them away...bring them to a cat farm...something??/!!!
When the baby came, we all loved him (of course!) and forgot about the cats. pretty much. To this day, I remember the pain and sadness and utter desperation I felt, knowing they were going to be killed. It's a horrible memory.
I wouldn't trade my brother for the cats, mind you! Not at all. I love him...much more than any cat, ever. :) I know my parents are not cruel and they made the decision they felt was best for the family. It just hurt. Still does. I still remember how much I loved those kitties. Sometimes life just plain SUCKS!
Anyway, I sympathize with you. I'm sorry you're suffering. Nothing I can say will help, I know, but I do care and I'm sorry.
JenStar
Posted by gardenergirl on August 20, 2004, at 1:41:53
In reply to Re: How do I get through this...? » Klokka, posted by JenStar on August 19, 2004, at 16:59:04
Klokka,
I'm so sorry for you loss. I would imagine you felt very helpless and yet somehow responsible at the same time. How awful. You are not responsible, but unfortunately, you are probably the most hurt. Please take extra special care.Thinking of you...
gg
Posted by Klokka on August 20, 2004, at 23:44:45
In reply to Re: How do I get through this...? » Klokka, posted by JenStar on August 19, 2004, at 16:59:04
Thank you for posting. It helps to know I'm not alone in being quite hurt over something like that. My parents have been moving on with life as usual and can't seem to stand that I just can't right now. My friends are supportive enough, but I sense that they're just expecting me to "get over it like a normal person might." I wonder why it is that pet loss is sometimes seen as so trivial, when often they're very much a part of the family? (And a more stable source of support than people, at least in my case.) Even talking to the therapist (who was VERY supportive and helped me to keep a more balanced view of things when my mom came home and turned on me,) I felt so dumb telling her I was in distress because my cat died.
Posted by Klokka on August 20, 2004, at 23:58:15
In reply to Re: How do I get through this...?, posted by gardenergirl on August 20, 2004, at 1:41:53
Thanks, gg. I can't really believe that I'm not responsible right now, I guess, but then... there's so much I don't see. I want so badly to call the vet and ask him what happened (both re: my cat to get some closure and know when exactly he died, and to find out what exactly was said when she called him,) but he never acknowledged my presence at appointments and so I feel too weird about that. I wish my mom hadn't implied it was a punishment (for what, exactly, I'm not sure) because it reminds me too much of the way she would make horrible threats when I was a child as opposed to disciplining me in a rational manner and I'm in no position to deal with this right now. With my theory exam for driver's ed on Tuesday and the start of classes on Wednesday, I've kind of had to go from the day he died right to pulling myself up as best I can and being productive. I'm starting to be more numb to the pain, but I don't know that that's a good thing: it feels almost like I've been wounded and the skin has healed up good as new over a still-raging infection. I'm hoping things will improve when my pdoc returns, but that's still 17 days off.
(And that will be one interesting session. Five pages of rambling left over from July to process whenever possible, plus the bit of writing I found that he did, plus my cat, plus all the old memories and feelings that has brought up... and there'll be more, no doubt.)
Posted by AuntieMel on August 21, 2004, at 2:09:12
In reply to Re: How do I get through this...? » Klokka, posted by JenStar on August 19, 2004, at 16:59:04
Toxoplasmosis *is* a serious problem, but it doesn't mean you have to get rid of the cats. The pregnant person just can't be the one cleaning the litter boxes, or should wear gloves and wash thouroughly afterwards. As a strong believer in darwinism, I just carried on as before.
Doctors have a way of telling people to get rid of the cats as if they aren't family members. I was lucky enough to have one that was more thoughtful.
Posted by JenStar on August 21, 2004, at 14:43:34
In reply to Re: For future reference » JenStar, posted by AuntieMel on August 21, 2004, at 2:09:12
I know, that's what makes me esp. sad now. But I guess the Dr. back then (over 20 yrs ago!) just didn't know, or wanted to play it on the safe side. Oh well. Poor kitties.But it's good to know...when I have kids, I can keep my current cats! :) I'm glad you had a doc who understood too.
JenSTar
> Toxoplasmosis *is* a serious problem, but it doesn't mean you have to get rid of the cats. The pregnant person just can't be the one cleaning the litter boxes, or should wear gloves and wash thouroughly afterwards. As a strong believer in darwinism, I just carried on as before.
>
> Doctors have a way of telling people to get rid of the cats as if they aren't family members. I was lucky enough to have one that was more thoughtful.
Posted by Ilene on August 21, 2004, at 15:12:58
In reply to Re: For future reference » JenStar, posted by AuntieMel on August 21, 2004, at 2:09:12
> Toxoplasmosis *is* a serious problem, but it doesn't mean you have to get rid of the cats. The pregnant person just can't be the one cleaning the litter boxes, or should wear gloves and wash thouroughly afterwards. As a strong believer in darwinism, I just carried on as before.
>My OB said it was only a problem if the cats were catching rodents, but I should wash my hands after cleaning the catbox anyway (I had indoor cats). He said handling raw meat was as much of a problem.
The good news is that he had never seen a case of toxoplasmosis, and he had delivered hundreds of babies.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.