![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by magic potion on May 4, 2003, at 20:05:06
The thing that scares me is that people who post here are all on a different level than I am. I think my group can't get out of bed.
Everyone here vocalizes what has them down; Describes their medicinal trials in a very self aware manner; supports each other. The fact that you are all sharing your feelings puts you light years ahead of me. I don't even know what my feelings are, for the most part.
Is there anyone out there who doesn't have the will to live? Do they sell a pill that makes you care about life?
I have a prescription for Lexapro but why bother filling it? Why should I trick myself into thinking that my life is good when it isn't?
Regarding CBT (what recent research shows works for depression)...it's too much work for depressed people. Who are they kidding? I'm not going to write down s*#t. I can barely get out of bed and these goofballs think homework will help me. Apparently, they've mistaken me for someone who cares.
They (CBTers) want to teach you to question your faulty logic...well, if yesterday was horrible and last week was horrible...and last year was horrible....and five years ago my life was horrible, wouldn't it be logical, then, to assume that the rest of my life will be horrible, too?
I can't see how counseling will change my life.
It isn't my perception that sucks; it's my reality.My heart is beating and I have brain activity, but I am not truly living. I am sitting in my room rotting away. This is the life God has planned for me.
What do pdocs do when you will not do anything to help yourself? All I want is for them to fix my external reality, not to play head games and fake me into believing that life is good.
Is there hope for people who don't care? Or is that when they strap you up and shock you?
Posted by Oddipus Rex on May 4, 2003, at 21:40:20
In reply to The Living Dead, posted by magic potion on May 4, 2003, at 20:05:06
> The thing that scares me is that people who post here are all on a different level than I am. I think my group can't get out of bed.
>I feel a lot of times that everyone here is doing a lot better than me. Not that they are suffering less but that they are coping better and functioning better. I feel like I'm a failure even at being depressed :(
I think you're right that a lot of times people feel like their lives are rotten because they really are and that not enough attention is paid to finding a life worth living. But I do think some medication can give you a boost so that you are able to start trying to change your life. I've had problems with ADs making me apathetic and I think that's a big danger but if your aware of that possibility you can try to monitor yourself for it. I also have been afraid that I would be numbed into accepting an unacceptable life. I think therapy is a great idea if you want to change your life not just be medicated into accepting it.
I don't see how you came to the conclusion that this is the life God planned for you.
I understand how you feel about writing CBT homework. Maybe you could do something behavioural instead of written. For awhile my "assignment" was to do one thing a day I didn't want to do-that was easy to find, getting out of bed or getting dressed would do. And I also had to do one thing I would have enjoyed if I were able to enjoy anything. And that was harder to find because it was hard to remember ever enjoying anything but I would drink a cup of coffee or listen to music for a few minutes. It didn't matter whether I enjoyed or not, the idea was just to do it.
I think you can start caring again. Or that you do care and you can start feeling it again.
> Is there anyone out there who doesn't have the will to live? Do they sell a pill that makes you care about life?
>
> I have a prescription for Lexapro but why bother filling it? Why should I trick myself into thinking that my life is good when it isn't?
>
> Regarding CBT (what recent research shows works for depression)...it's too much work for depressed people. Who are they kidding? I'm not going to write down s*#t. I can barely get out of bed and these goofballs think homework will help me. Apparently, they've mistaken me for someone who cares.
>
> They (CBTers) want to teach you to question your faulty logic...well, if yesterday was horrible and last week was horrible...and last year was horrible....and five years ago my life was horrible, wouldn't it be logical, then, to assume that the rest of my life will be horrible, too?
>
> I can't see how counseling will change my life.
> It isn't my perception that sucks; it's my reality.
>
> My heart is beating and I have brain activity, but I am not truly living. I am sitting in my room rotting away. This is the life God has planned for me.
>
> What do pdocs do when you will not do anything to help yourself? All I want is for them to fix my external reality, not to play head games and fake me into believing that life is good.
>
> Is there hope for people who don't care? Or is that when they strap you up and shock you?
Posted by slinky on May 4, 2003, at 21:55:17
In reply to Re: The Living Dead » magic potion, posted by Oddipus Rex on May 4, 2003, at 21:40:20
>I think my group can't get out of bed.
Hey I'll join the group..I'm spending most of time in bed..then struggling to stay out of bed.
Don't give up maybe give in...try the Lexapro ..nothing to lose if you don't care eh? :-)
Posted by magic potion on May 4, 2003, at 22:03:22
In reply to Re: The Living Dead, posted by slinky on May 4, 2003, at 21:55:17
The risk with Lexapro is that it could fake me into living a life that isn't worth living.
"Feeling" better isn't enough for me. :(
Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2003, at 22:11:51
In reply to Re: The Living Dead, posted by magic potion on May 4, 2003, at 22:03:22
But isn't the purpose of "feeling" better to make it possible for you to make the changes in your life to make it better? When depression is consuming your life, it's hard to do the rest. Meds can make you feel better enough to work on the rest of life.
Posted by slinky on May 4, 2003, at 22:18:59
In reply to Re: The Living Dead, posted by magic potion on May 4, 2003, at 22:03:22
> The risk with Lexapro is that it could fake me into living a life that isn't worth living.
> "Feeling" better isn't enough for me. :(Feeling better although med induced could provide an oasis even if the oasis is an illusion in the desert it may provide enough strenght to take you further where you may find whatever it is that brings contentment--then ditch the meds.
Or like me remain in the oasis that meds provide..filters out the nasty sand carried by gusts..I mean whats reality anyway--just balls ! -as in molecular :-)
Posted by magic potion on May 4, 2003, at 22:53:40
In reply to Re: The Living Dead » magic potion, posted by slinky on May 4, 2003, at 22:18:59
Thanks for all of your help, but I'm hopeless.
I could never make all of the changes that would need to occur to make my life worth living. A lot of it is beyond my control, anyways.
Well, I suppose I should try to sleep. I have a big day of pretending ahead of me tomorrow. I have to shower tomorrow...blow dry my hair, put on makeup...smile at people I hate, pretend like I care about things that I don't and then gear up for another day of the same.
It's all so exhausting!!! And I resent that I have to do it.
Posted by mmcasey on May 5, 2003, at 11:45:24
In reply to Re: The Living Dead, posted by magic potion on May 4, 2003, at 22:03:22
>The risk with Lexapro is that it could fake me >into living a life that isn't worth living.
Is any life really worth living? I don't think that anyone's life really matters that much to tell you the truth. When you look at the grand scheme of things.
Posted by fallsfall on May 5, 2003, at 15:22:10
In reply to The Living Dead, posted by magic potion on May 4, 2003, at 20:05:06
I do CBT and my therapist has been pretty good about understanding what I can (get out of bed) and can't (eat or clean or socialize - actually I'm doing a little better than that, but that was the truth 6 months ago) do. And she's really good, if she wants me to do something and I try and it is too much, about trying a different idea.
That said, I understand about not caring. Not having the energy to care. I have something (my daughter) that keeps me alive and trying. But as I embark on a new chapter of my therapy, I retain the right to decide that it is too hard. But I will give it a little more time and effort before I decide. Doing nothing is not an option - I wouldn't choose to stay in the midst of this pain.
Maybe you can find one small step (taking the Lexapro, maybe - meds made a big difference for me) that can help you be sure whether or not you Could care.
Posted by magic potion on May 5, 2003, at 18:55:47
In reply to Re: The Living Dead » magic potion, posted by fallsfall on May 5, 2003, at 15:22:10
It's good that you have your daughter. That must keep you going. If I had anyone or anything to live for, I think my situation would be different.
I don't have children. I don't have a husband. I have absolutely nothing. I have neices and nephews but I shouldn't have to live for them. That's not fair to me.I'll have to think about the lexapro. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm afraid of being tricked into caring about my life.
Thanks for posting. Maybe someday I'll get out of this black hole.
Posted by magic potion on May 5, 2003, at 19:35:20
In reply to Re: The Living Dead, posted by mmcasey on May 5, 2003, at 11:45:24
It's true that if you step back too far, it all seems fruitless. I don't pretend to know the meaning of life. In my humble opinion, though, some people do have lives worth living. There are plenty of people who I wouldn't mind being.
Oddly enough, God has granted some people very nice lives. In fact, I'd like to take this issue to court. I feel like I am being discriminated against by God. Maybe I could start an organization for people who feel that they, too, are discriminated against by God. We could have support groups...perhaps a class action lawsuit against God. I'd like to hire Johnny Cochrane as my attorney--he's as close to the devil as it gets. :) (just kidding, johnny)
I really need to stop dissin God, but quite frankly he hasn't been very helpful in my time of need. I've asked for angels, saints and even J.C. himself to help me...I get nothing.
I hope nobody sends me that footprints poem. I hate that crap.
I think that life is about pain punctuated by a few good times.
:{
Posted by justyourlaugh on May 5, 2003, at 19:54:00
In reply to Re: The Living Dead, posted by magic potion on May 5, 2003, at 19:35:20
magic,
a lot of us can understand,
and feel the horrid pain as you do,.
i wish i had an answer,
or that magic pill..
i know that god does not
pass the "jewels" around fairly.
sometimes we have to dig for our own...
sometimes they are very well hidden...
go get yours ...
j
Posted by maryhelen on May 5, 2003, at 19:55:50
In reply to The Living Dead, posted by magic potion on May 4, 2003, at 20:05:06
You might be very surprised how many posters were like your group and couldn't get out of bed at one time, if not time and time again. I certainly have been in that boat. Now that I can sit in front of a computer - what a great forum to come to for knowledge, understanding and caring and advise on meds.
I cannot imagine that anyone here would look to you as them being light years ahead of you. We are all at such different levels in our (hopeful) recovery.
Keep reading posts and you will see that there are many people who do not have the will to live, but try so hard to go on.
You have a prescription for Lexapro but you don't want to trick yourself into thinking that your life is good when it isn't. No, your life isn't good right now but the whole point is to try to balance the chemistry in your brain to give you a semblance of life back, not to trick someone else that lives in there.
Can the CBT for now.You can't see how counseling will change your life until you find out that counseling did not change your life.
It sounds to be that you have allowed your illness to talk, not you. If pdocs feel that you will do nothing to help yourself, the only thing they can do is certify you into a hospital if you are suicidal. Otherwise they can do nothing but probably stop the sessions. What does your external reality mean compared to the head games the docs want to play into faking you into believing that life is good. Bad doctors for trying.
No one straps you and shocks you anymore. It's very humane and they put you to sleep. It is really not a bad idea for you to look into considering the state your in. I have had 2 rounds of ECT.
Boy,if I could have a shower tomorrow...blow my hair dry, put makeup on.. smile at people I hate, pretending like I care and then gear up for another day of the same, I would think I had died and gone to heaven. I would be willing to say that most 'normal' people feel the same way.
Didn't mean to go on so long.
maryhelen
Posted by Pfinstegg on May 5, 2003, at 21:53:09
In reply to The Living Dead, posted by magic potion on May 4, 2003, at 20:05:06
Hi magic potion..I have also been in the same situation as you- not able to get out of bed, taking 6 hours to plan on brushing my teeth, feeling detached from, and unable to love other people, feeling unable to work, and feeling that my life was a total failure. Now that I have gotten better, I realize that all of those behaviors and feelings were the result of profound depression: once that starts to lift, possibilities for a full life will begin to open up. There are sure to be things that will help you- there are many choices, but from the severity of your depression right now, my thoughts would turn to ECT or TMS, possibly an MAOI inhibitor, and psychotherapy- supportive for now, but more growth-oriented once you begin to feel better. I don't know for sure, but I would guess that a good percentage of the posters here have gone through just what you are going through now, and know first-hand how terrible it is.
We do want to continue to hear from you, and if we can, help you make decisions which will be helpful to you.
Pfinstegg
Posted by nhg on May 6, 2003, at 0:00:55
In reply to The Living Dead, posted by magic potion on May 4, 2003, at 20:05:06
This thread has been interesting to me. I'm in pretty much the same space, except I'm actually on the lexapro. it hasn't tricked me into happiness; I sway between tolerant of life and suicidal. i wish lexapro could "trick" me.
I used to think this depression was somehow the price I had to pay for intelligence. Now I'd rather be stupid and happy than continue to suffer the way I do. Suffering has become a most familiar feeling. I almost don't know how to feel anything else.
> Is there anyone out there who doesn't have the will to live? Do they sell a pill that makes you care about life?
I don't have much will to live either. I have brief moments of will. I mostly go on out of guilt - what my death would do to my family is too shameful to commit. I know they would think they could have prevented it -- and knowing that is what keeps me going -- so I guess they are preventing it in that way.
But I do feel like I too am "rotting away" and waiting for life to be over. Life has not been so bad for me. I've had it pretty easy really. But I'm still miserable. I'm spoiled and miserable. mostly i am deeply and indescribably lonely.
Some days the lexapro works better than others, but it never tricks me. so you might as well take it.
Posted by leeran on May 6, 2003, at 0:56:12
In reply to Re: The Living Dead, posted by nhg on May 6, 2003, at 0:00:55
nhg,
Would you mind sharing how long you've been on Lexapro? If that question is too prying, no problem.
The reason I ask is because I'm on it as well and I'm interested in your comment: "some days the lexapro works better than others."
So far I've found the same to be true, but it could be due to the fact that I've only been on it for two weeks.
I'm sorry to hear that you are lonely. For so many years I felt lonely (and still do at times) because I didn't think anyone else "got it." I don't know exactly what I mean by "it" - perhaps I just mean feeling everything so intensely? Analyzing everything? Feeling so self-conscious?
I wish it wasn't so, but I do think there are times when there's the equivalent of a yellow line of police tape that separates those of us who experience "this" from those who don't. I guess that's why I like this board so much. Some of the feelings I always thought that I "alone" experienced, are shared by others as well.
I don't know much else to say other than thank you for sharing your feelings.
Lee
Posted by horrid monster on May 6, 2003, at 2:53:18
In reply to The Living Dead, posted by magic potion on May 4, 2003, at 20:05:06
> The thing that scares me is that people who post here are all on a different level than I am. I think my group can't get out of bed.
This is a good day if i can get up and turn my computer on. ...you got that far. I mean that - that's big. I know you did it cause i read your post.> Everyone here vocalizes what has them down;
(Insert long yodel here) (Or better yet - tarzan cry)
no not all of us - some of us can only respond to others and are unable to say yeah, me too. (Me)>Describes their medicinal trials in a very self aware manner; supports each other. The fact that you are all sharing your feelings puts you light years ahead of me.
Congrats - you just did it too.
>I don't even know what my feelings are, for the most part.
I think you're pretty clear at communicating a feeling i recognize really clearly. Very familiar. I know it as the why f-ing bother, nothing matters mode.
> Is there anyone out there who doesn't have the will to live? Do they sell a pill that makes you care about life?maybe not to care about life as you see it right now but to help you to see areas where you might experience something beyond the why bother mode.
>
> I have a prescription for Lexapro but why bother filling it? Why should I trick myself into thinking that my life is good when it isn't?It isn't that it tricks you into feeling anyway beyond what you feel - for me meds helped me to see more choices. Helped me to deal more clearly with why bother as a real question as oppossed to a philosophy. With meds i am more able to find reasons to bother. I have found meds gave me the capability to get much more from therapy. I'm still far from "Happy" or whatever fake weird thing you might fear drugs will cause. I'm very much me, with all the same beliefs and frustrations - just able to see it all a bit more clearly and over time to find joy - real joy - in moments when i least expect. and these moments are rare and fleeting but i am learning what it's like to have those moments.
This is sounding a bit too polyanna-ish for my taste - sorry. I say in answer to why bother -because it's worth the bother. really.
Having said that - and at the risk of getting moved to the meds board - when you do (If you do, which i hope you do) take the lexipro - first read up on the side effects others have had. Some folks went through adjustments that it might help to know about before hand. For some this adjustment was mild, for others not. For some it went away quickly, for others not. For me i tried many many (many)meds before i decided on what worked for me. It was a horrible year of trial and error and oh man...just hard. Very hard. And easy to now say that it was worth it. How quickly we forget the oh so lovely side effects of trial and error(s). You might be one of the ones whom i envy: one who finds the med that works for you right away. It really really is worth finding out. Change is scary and very powerful. Dealing with depression means being willing to experience change.
I don't know what the hell i'm saying - and if any of this means anything and i'm crying and falling apart just writing it all - but hey - a couple of years ago i don't know that i could have written it at all.
Also - it's a heck of a lot easier to write to somebody else about their questions then it is to write about myself. That's my next step - writing about how messed up i am. You've already passed me by a lot and so see - that's how come why bother: so you can help me through! and the next and the next and so on.
> Regarding CBT (what recent research shows works for depression)...it's too much work for depressed people. Who are they kidding? I'm not going to write down s*#t. I can barely get out of bed and these goofballs think homework will help me. Apparently, they've mistaken me for someone who cares.
>
> They (CBTers) want to teach you to question your faulty logic...well, if yesterday was horrible and last week was horrible...and last year was horrible....and five years ago my life was horrible, wouldn't it be logical, then, to assume that the rest of my life will be horrible, too?
>
> I can't see how counseling will change my life.
> It isn't my perception that sucks; it's my reality.sometimes - not always - but sometimes reality and perception are the same thing - and that is when therapy helps. If my perception is limited by my depression (for me this is true) then as i shift my perception my reality shifts. and more choices appear for me. I love therapy for this but it IS a lot of work - and it's not easy. The meds help me be able to do the therapy.
> My heart is beating and I have brain activity, but I am not truly living. I am sitting in my room rotting away. This is the life God has planned for me.says who?
> What do pdocs do when you will not do anything to help yourself? All I want is for them to fix my external reality, not to play head games and fake me into believing that life is good.
>
> Is there hope for people who don't care? Or is that when they strap you up and shock you?nah, that's when they give you prescriptions for fun drugs like lexapro and you get to compare your side effects to all your buddies on the list serve.
for a really good time go back and read some of the past posts on the meds board.keep posting. -Horrid Monster
Posted by nhg on May 6, 2003, at 9:35:12
In reply to Re: The Living Dead » nhg, posted by leeran on May 6, 2003, at 0:56:12
> Would you mind sharing how long you've been on Lexapro? If that question is too prying, no problem.
I've been on it for 4 months. I've been on others before. This one actually seems to be pretty good in terms of effectiveness and side effects, but I'm still in no way a healthy person.
For you, at two weeks, it might be too early to say. in another two weeks, we would know better...Thank you for all of your comments. It's true that the board helps me know that there are others out there with the same types of problems. but i feel like I've been sentenced to life in prison for a crime I didn't commit and knowing everyone else in this prison was falsly locked up as well doesn't really do much except give us something to talk about from our seperate cells, divided by walls, behind our bars.
It's so true what you say about the yellow police tape. Even those who desperately want to help me admit that they just can't understand. And it's hard to go through the days when I feel like I'm moving through time like a zombie and the world is spinning around me -- I see people living their lives and laughing -- and I feel invisible.
I'm sorry to be such a downer, but that's really how I feel. I feel like no matter what I do, my life will always be subject to circumstances that are unfair and that I have no control over and that, try as I may, I can't change. I do everything I'm supposed to. I get "help". I've tried tons of drugs. I'm still miserable and very alone. After years of this, sometimes I feel like one more day might actually kill me.
Posted by whiterabbit on May 6, 2003, at 23:43:33
In reply to Re: The Living Dead, posted by nhg on May 6, 2003, at 9:35:12
My dear, I've been where you are and I know how you feel. Right now you're living on the dark side of the moon, but there is a way out. If I can make it back to the land of the living, anyone can. Because I was just about as bad as you can get.
I won't bore you with the details - I'll just give you the highlights of what I've been through in the last 3 years.
First hospitalization - the police showed up at my door at 4:00 am after I called the operator and asked for the number to a suicide hotline.
She started asking me a lot of questions and I stupidly admitted to having a loaded gun. The police handed me over to the paramedics, who took me to the hospital. I was involuntarily committed to the psychiatric ward.Second hospitalization - I collapsed with seizures after unintentionally overdosing on Valium and morphine. Woke up looking at the paramedics.
Third hospitalization - My stomach was pumped and I was comatose for a short time after intentionally overdosing on all my psychiatric medication. I woke up in ICU and was admitted to the psychiatric ward.
So that's pretty bad, right? Really bad. Actually I have no business being here. I've been trying to drink and drug myself to death for many years, because life meant nothing to me. Every day was a test of endurance. I was so weary, so tired of living, so depressed, and at one point I was taking so many drugs - prescribed, recreational and over-the-counter - that I did become psychotic. I started doing bizarre and dangerous things. I suffered from severe symptoms like short and long-term memory loss; I would "lose" whole days at a time, like a multiple-personality.
I was just so sick, so very ill.I severed relationships with family and friends. I wouldn't answer the door or pick up the phone.
I locked myself away in the bedroom and rarely came out. I was the very picture of the secret, mad wife in "Jane Eyre".But here I am today, back from the asylum, thanks to psychiatric medication. In another age, I would have been committed to bedlam, lost and forgotten in a filthy back ward until the day I died. So that's why I think that I'm qualified to tell you these things:
Your perception of reality can be changed. Psychiatric drugs don't "trick" you into feeling better - the fact is that depression is a sickness and an abnormality like cancer and, like a person who has been diagnosed with cancer, you have a choice: you can fight it with everything that modern medical science has to offer, or you can pick out your coffin. Period.
And just like cancer treatment, you have a long road ahead of you because there is no one medication or therapy that works for everyone, and it takes some time to determine if a specific treatment is working. It sucks, but there it is.
That's the truth. If you can hang in there, if you can wake up every day and find a single reason to not step in front of a speeding train, if you can just hold on - there is hope. Life can be better, and I'm the living example.I lost my job, I have no money and no savings. My
husband was not only traumatized, he was so tired and disgusted by my illness that he would spend the night sleeping on a couch in the livingroom at his friend's house rather than come home to me. Then he found a girlfriend - or some other sexual outlet, God knows what - and set himself up with a rolling motel room in the back of his van. I don't know the details and I don't want to know; I'm just as disgusted and sickened by his
lies, his selfishness and sneaking around and betrayal as he is by me. We're both intelligent people but our values and morals are worlds apart.Despite my circumstances, I'm no longer depressed.
I don't have much in the way of traditional goals-
no savings, no faithful husband, no fancy home, no storybook-family, no pension or benefits despite 23 years of steady employment and 7 years active-duty Army. I chased away family and friends when I was depressed, isolated myself to an unimaginable degree; I was as present and active as a lab specimen floating in a jar.But I did come back, and I'm trying to take advantage of what I have left to start my life over. First and foremost, this same brain that drove me to such self-destructive depths is an extremely intelligent and gifted brain capable of wonderous things; when it's working right, I'm very talented in some areas. I can write, and draw, and paint, and make people laugh. I can't balance my checkbook, but I can and have painted a fairly awesome reproduction of classical works
like "The Birth of Venus", something like a savant. Alas, I don't quite fit into today's society and I've pretty much been a disappointment to my husband from the start. He craves the ranch-style, white-bread life of WASPs
all across America, and I've done little to fit into the mold. I guess that's how he justifies his philandering and all the pain that he's caused me. He's always refused to wear a wedding ring. He would stay out all night without calling and come home when he felt like it; when I confronted him, he told me that he didn't need my
permission to do what he wanted. And it didn't matter how much I tried; I'd work full-time and overtime, and he would count how many hours he had worked more than me on a particular week. After I had finished work and cooked dinner, I would set up an ironing board in the livingroom
and press his shirts; he would inspect the shirt and point out how I hadn't "rounded" the corners appropriately with starch on the collars.He would bitch constantly about birthday and Christmas gifts, no matter how expensive or time-consuming, if it wasn't exactly what he wanted. Not only would he toss aside an expensive gift without a thank-you, he would resent me and grow bitter because I wasn't pleasing him. One year, he made a great fuss over buying the right Christmas present for a neighbor, a woman who was temporarily on her own because her husband was in prison for drug charges. My husband would rush over to her house to change the lightbulb on the porch, but he refused to come and help me when I was stranded on the highway with a flat tire, on my way to work. I walked down the highway and over to the next gas station for nearly 2 miles, and called for help from there. That same year, after he made such a big deal over buying the right Christmas present for our neighbor and getting it wrapped just right, he bought me nothing for Christmas. Not a single token gift.
Still, I did cling to the delusion that this selfish, selfish person was a good father to my son. My parents weren't very good parents and I was determined to raise my only child in a different manner; I wanted him to know how special he was, and I've achieved that. He's handsome and strong, intelligent and funny, witty
and spoiled by his adoring mother. He's a gem and a stepping-stone to the next generation.
Posted by Snoozy on May 7, 2003, at 2:38:00
In reply to Re: The Living Dead, posted by magic potion on May 5, 2003, at 19:35:20
This has been a really interesting thread to follow. Reading these posts, it's almost like I've got a checklist, saying yeah, I've got that one, that one too, check, I feel that way too, I've had that happen.....
I came across an interesting quote a few months ago: "Unhappiness is always to feel oneself imprisoned in one's own skin, in one own's brain." That pretty well summed up the way I feel most of the time.
I've never had any enthusiasm for life - there's a line in a song that goes "And when I'm lying in my bed, I think about life and I think about death/And neither one particularly appeals to me". Like some of you, I'm still here because of feeling guilty about what killing myself would do to my family (a couple of them actually like me - go figure!)
And there are way too many days when I never get out of my pajamas, don't brush my teeth, and barely get out of bed. And many times I think I'm fortunate to live in a time and place where I have comfortable shelter, clean drinking water, indoor plumbing, food, all of the nice gizmos and gadets of industrialized nations, so I shouldn't be depressed. That's the thing about depression - there really is no reason, it just is.
magic potion, you have a wonderful sense of humor. That really helps in getting through this mess. I hope you will hang out and kvetch with us.
Posted by Greg A. on May 7, 2003, at 12:05:03
In reply to Magic potion, posted by whiterabbit on May 6, 2003, at 23:43:33
Gracie,
I am moved by your story and your willingness to leave a part of yourself on these pages. I mean it.
Your life must have been hell for a long time and I admire your tenacity in hanging on to what was important. Many people who attempt suicide and then return to the same conditions that prompted the act in the first place are unable to cope and end up taking their life – you did not. I am so happy that you have been rewarded for this by feeling better and being able to appreciate what you have. Children are important. You have hung in there when obviously your husband never did. You are justifiably proud.
Posted by maryhelen on May 7, 2003, at 13:17:11
In reply to Magic potion, posted by whiterabbit on May 6, 2003, at 23:43:33
Magic Potion:
This has been an incredible thread. So many have poured their hearts out and shared their experiences to try to help you. Please read and re-read them and try and look into your own situation and begin to make some changes to your life as, at least, an acknowledgement to those who have tried here to give you encouragment and suggestions with their honesty and caring support.
Whiterabbit:
Wow, what a post. I admire you tremendously for your fighting spirit. You have been to hell and back.
I do not understand how you went through what you did and still had to put up with this self-centred, selfish man. I admire that you did it for your son, but how did you ever take it? Your story brings tears to my eyes. What you have had to endure, the most mentally healthy, secure, highly functional person would not have been able to. I do not wonder at all that you 'isolated yourself to unimaginable degrees'. Not even a token Christmas gift...
I also have tried to self medicate the pain with drinking and various pain medications. I have been in and out of psychiatric units and substance abuse programs along with 2 rounds of ECT. I am in better shape than I was, but I still struggle with this depression every day of my life. I am still trying to find that elusive medication that will give me some relief. Off to therapy tommorow night. I am so sick of it all. I have a 29 year old, wonderful daughter and 4 grandchildren. I have not been married since she was 2 years old, and have gone through this illness alone. I can't imagine the difficulty of being married or having a live-in boyfriend while trying to cope. I prefer the isolation. I have my mom and 9 brothers and sisters whom I love, but basically the fight against this demon is ours.
I am so happy for you that you have your wonderful son. What a tribute: handsome and strong, intelligent and funny, witty and (of course) spoiled by his adoring mother. He's a gem and a stepping-stone to the next generation. How old is he? Can you not leave your husband now that your son is launched and pursue your own interests and talents? I can't think of anyone who would deserve it more than you.
I could go on and on, but I have to do a personal budget, which I am procrastinating about, for the tax man, who is after me.
You are someone to be admired, for sure. I have printed your post and I know that I will be reading and re-reading it again and again, as I need so much encouragment right now. (Even though it wasn't intended for me I will gladly be a recipient of it)
Thank you again for sharing.
maryhelen
Posted by monkeypaw on May 7, 2003, at 16:14:35
In reply to Magic potion, posted by whiterabbit on May 6, 2003, at 23:43:33
You have once again put a smile on my face. I am so glad to hear that you are over this man. It took me a lot longer than a few weeks or months. So what now for you. I to had no money no savings and was not "allowed" to work. I also did not want the house. But I also knew that for my own well being and sanity that I had to get out of that house. I could not bare the thought of staying in the same house with that lying cheating man. The house was to be put up for sale. You said that you would get half of the house. Heres is something that helped me move on. His lawyer drew up a pre divorce settlement. We knew what the equity in the house was. So prior to the divorce being final I was given a check for half the equity in the house. I got more when the divorce was finalize. I Felt so good when I could find my own space and get away from him. I don't know if this is an option to you but it might be worth looking into. You don't need the stress and constant slaps in the face that you continue to get. I hope that this help. I know that you will be a stronger person if that is possible when your out of the house and this man is no longer a part of your life. The best of luck to you. I know you will do well for yourself.
Posted by whiterabbit on May 7, 2003, at 18:59:15
In reply to Magic potion, posted by whiterabbit on May 6, 2003, at 23:43:33
Magic Potion - I didn't mean to take over your thread! I guess I got to feeling sorry for myself and went overboard whining about my own problems. My original point was to explain how it truly is possible to return from the land of the living dead, that you can recover despite all manner of obstacles. Posting here has been very helpful to me over the years, the act of writing helps you to get in touch with your feelings - once you catch at those thoughts and ideas flying around in your head and put them into words, it's kind of like arranging the boxes and cans of food in your kitchen cabinet...when you get things organized, you have a much better idea of what's in there.
And of course, the wonderful people that you meet here will give you the kind of advice and support and courage you'll need to go on with your journey. They've done it for me countless times and I try to respond in kind when I'm feeling strong enough, because I'm just so thankful. Without their help, I'm sure that my soon-to-be
ex-husband would have me convinced that I'm every bit the completely unlovable, helplessly strange mess that he believes me to be; that I was put here on earth for the sole purpose of tormenting him for life, but he's going to overcome fate! he's going to be strong and brave and find happiness for himself by kicking me to the curb.Snort. Watch out, Happiness, here he comes. Good luck, mama.
-Gracie
Posted by magic potion on May 7, 2003, at 19:49:35
In reply to Re: The Living Dead, posted by nhg on May 6, 2003, at 0:00:55
> This thread has been interesting to me.
> I used to think this depression was somehow the price I had to pay for intelligence. Now I'd rather be stupid and happy than continue to suffer the way I do.Bingo! I think intelligence & insight makes it far worse. Ignorance is bliss. Unfortunately, once you are 'in the know' there is no going back...you are forever aware. It sucks.
> I don't have much will to live either. I have brief moments of will. I mostly go on out of guilt - what my death would do to my family is too shameful to commit.You are right on target about that. My cousin shot himself last month. The aftermath has been devastating. Shame has played a smaller role (so far) than I ever would have thought.
The most painful part is for the people who loved him to accept the fact that for whatever reason, he couldn't or didn't go to them for help. Everyone feels that they failed him...that we let him down.
And then there are all of the questions...was he of right mind when he did it? Did he just get overwhelmed and panick? Had he waited 24 hours would he have felt the same?I just feel like it was all a big mistake...As if he made a decision based on limited information. He took a snapshot of a few bad years of his life...he didn't have a full perspective.
It is incredibly painful. The pain caused by him taking his life is beyond description. I think it took 20 years off my aunt's life. She is 'in the know' of a pain so great and she can never go back.
That situation has imprisoned me. It made my depression worse, but at the same time it is preventing me from following that course. Now that he went and did it, I could never do it. I'm stuck...or I feel stuck. (The Living Dead)
Regarding your feeling about what keeps you going: guilt is a motivator (same problem I have)... even though it isn't a very pleasant one. So, if that's what gets you through this until you can find your own motivators, then I say use it.
> But I do feel like I too am "rotting away" and waiting for life to be over. Life has not been so bad for me. I've had it pretty easy really. But I'm still miserable. I'm spoiled and miserable. mostly i am deeply and indescribably lonely.
I haven't had it easy, but my life isn't material for a documentary, either. It doesn't matter how hard or easy your life has been if the end result is that you are sad and lonely. That is really the issue....how you are feeling now. I would like to know, though, what are your counseling sessions like? Much of my counseling has been rehashing the painful past...I've got my dysfunctional biography written down now so that I don't have to keep repeating it. It bores me. I just hand it over to each new pdoc after I shake his or her hand. (I jest, by the way)
Whatever the reason, or even if there is no reason, I'm sorry you feel so lonely.
You say you've had it easy and that you are spoiled, but incredibly lonely. Does that mean that you have the freedom to not work? If that is the case--and you're probably going to balk at this suggestion--did you ever think of helping people once in awhile? Maybe tutoring kids or something...it would be a way to be around people. If not that way, then is there another small step you could take that would decrease the loneliness?
I'm not trying to blow sunshine up your a$$...I just know that there is so much need out there. It was probably a stupid idea.
It's such a vicious cycle...I withdraw from my friends because I'm depressed...they stop calling me...then I feel lonely and I get more depressed. My behavior--and I'd never admit this to the pdoc--is contributing to my problems.
> Some days the lexapro works better than others, but it never tricks me. so you might as well take it.
>
You've inspired me. Well, to be honest, your lukewarm opinion about Lexapro doesn't exactly have me running to the pharmacist. But I think you're right...having a few good days would be better than having none. I hope I do fill the prescription.The things you've said to me were geniune and I appreciate the fact that you didn't try to--and I love this phrase--blow sunshine up my a$$.
Thanks for your thoughful response!
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.