![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sid on January 9, 2002, at 23:32:21
Hello,
I have serious issues with my sister and her husband, and I have fantasized about "blocking them for a lifetime" or "divorcing" them. I feel guilt about it, even though they have hurt me greatly in the past (my sister always ridiculed my lifestyle choices, and she guilted me into taking care of my parents for 5 years in my early 20's; her husband sexually harrassed and molested me most of my life, since I was about 8). I cannot talk to her about any of this because then she responds with accusations of things that have nothing to do with those issues and that are judgmental to my lifestyle. I'm a nerd, I studied all my life and still do, I do research, and they think I should have gotten married and had kids instead - I'm a failure and I should not be criticizing them at all. So whenever I try to talk about things that I still have on my chest, accusations fly by, and the discussion turns to something that has nothing to do with what I was saying. Also, their comments denote that they still don't respect me for who I am; they never have.
My question is: Is it possible to "divorce" some family members and live happily thereafter? There's a mixture of guilt and anxiety when I think about it, but then there is anger and agressivity when I am around them, and there does not seem to be a solution to that, other than staying away from them. Any insights anyone?
Posted by sid on January 10, 2002, at 0:44:20
In reply to divorce one's family?, posted by sid on January 9, 2002, at 23:32:21
I read my message again as if someone else had written it. I'd tell her to get rid of the bad influence in her life and move on to better people and things.
Is it the dysthymia making me hesitate? Making feel guilty even thinking about it?
> Hello,
>
> I have serious issues with my sister and her husband, and I have fantasized about "blocking them for a lifetime" or "divorcing" them. I feel guilt about it, even though they have hurt me greatly in the past (my sister always ridiculed my lifestyle choices, and she guilted me into taking care of my parents for 5 years in my early 20's; her husband sexually harrassed and molested me most of my life, since I was about 8). I cannot talk to her about any of this because then she responds with accusations of things that have nothing to do with those issues and that are judgmental to my lifestyle. I'm a nerd, I studied all my life and still do, I do research, and they think I should have gotten married and had kids instead - I'm a failure and I should not be criticizing them at all. So whenever I try to talk about things that I still have on my chest, accusations fly by, and the discussion turns to something that has nothing to do with what I was saying. Also, their comments denote that they still don't respect me for who I am; they never have.
>
> My question is: Is it possible to "divorce" some family members and live happily thereafter? There's a mixture of guilt and anxiety when I think about it, but then there is anger and agressivity when I am around them, and there does not seem to be a solution to that, other than staying away from them. Any insights anyone?
Posted by IsoM on January 10, 2002, at 1:49:00
In reply to divorce one's family?, posted by sid on January 9, 2002, at 23:32:21
Sid, so many people seem to have trouble separating themselves emotionally from family members & guilt about not keeping in contact because they're still family & blood being thicker than water, blah, blah, blah.
It makes me feel like I'm some sort of cold, insensitive thing because I don't 'give a damn' if someone's related to me or not. If I don't like them for a sound reason, I stay away from them.
My two brothers are a real pain. Not horrible like your sister is, just a pain in the butt. They have qualitites that I wouldn't put up with in friends - I'd never visit or talk with them normally if they weren't family. But because they're not really terrible people, I don't dislike them - I just don't get on socially with them. So I keep in contact as there's a degree of loyalty as siblings among us & a family history. We help each other as needed & care for the basics. But personality-wise, we're totally different from each other with completely different values & interests too.
If I was in your shoes, I'd say you were better off not having any contact with them except what was absolutely necessary. How's your parents fit in with all this? Are they for or against you? Or do they even care one way or the other? It's while parents are still alive that it's hard to completely avoid your siblings.
Posted by sid on January 10, 2002, at 6:40:09
In reply to Re: divorce one's family? » sid, posted by IsoM on January 10, 2002, at 1:49:00
Exactly ! My father passed away and my mother knows about all my grief against my sister and brother-in-law. I am indeed afraid that there'll be repercussions on my mother and I am protective of her, perhaps too much.
I think the same as you on family vs. friends. I have some wonderful friends, but my sister and brother-in-law are so hard to deal with that I don't enjoy their company. I am always stressed around them, in fear of the next inappropriate move from my b-i-law or the next request from my sister. The thing is, she's the one for whom family traditions are important; yet, she makes everybody miserable and does not realize how inappropriate her husband's behavior is. Traditions are not important to me, and I want honest and deep relationships. With them it can only be superficial because as soon as anyone says anything that matters, a fight starts.
Well, thanks. I'm not the only one who thinks that family members have to abide by the same rules as anybody else. They can't just behave like ***** and get away with it because they're family. I don't know what I'll do about it, but at least someone else thinks like me. That'S comforting a little. :-)
> Sid, so many people seem to have trouble separating themselves emotionally from family members & guilt about not keeping in contact because they're still family & blood being thicker than water, blah, blah, blah.
>
> It makes me feel like I'm some sort of cold, insensitive thing because I don't 'give a damn' if someone's related to me or not. If I don't like them for a sound reason, I stay away from them.
>
> My two brothers are a real pain. Not horrible like your sister is, just a pain in the butt. They have qualitites that I wouldn't put up with in friends - I'd never visit or talk with them normally if they weren't family. But because they're not really terrible people, I don't dislike them - I just don't get on socially with them. So I keep in contact as there's a degree of loyalty as siblings among us & a family history. We help each other as needed & care for the basics. But personality-wise, we're totally different from each other with completely different values & interests too.
>
> If I was in your shoes, I'd say you were better off not having any contact with them except what was absolutely necessary. How's your parents fit in with all this? Are they for or against you? Or do they even care one way or the other? It's while parents are still alive that it's hard to completely avoid your siblings.
Posted by Krazy Kat on January 10, 2002, at 9:33:03
In reply to Re: divorce one's family? » IsoM, posted by sid on January 10, 2002, at 6:40:09
Sid:
I have never been abused or molested, and I can't imagine the pain you must feel whenever around the culprit. This goes beyond having trouble "getting along" with family members to me. IMHO, you should keep yourself far away from that situation, always.
- KK
Posted by sid on January 10, 2002, at 10:14:28
In reply to Re: divorce one's family? » sid, posted by Krazy Kat on January 10, 2002, at 9:33:03
Thanks for the support.
I'm trying hard not to make waves, but it looks like I may have to because it is affecting too much (the unpleasant b-i-law and my controlling sister).> Sid:
>
> I have never been abused or molested, and I can't imagine the pain you must feel whenever around the culprit. This goes beyond having trouble "getting along" with family members to me. IMHO, you should keep yourself far away from that situation, always.
>
> - KK
Posted by dreamer on January 11, 2002, at 23:26:25
In reply to divorce one's family?, posted by sid on January 9, 2002, at 23:32:21
> Hello,
>
> I have serious issues with my sister and her husband, and I have fantasized about "blocking them for a lifetime" or "divorcing" them. I feel guilt about it, even though they have hurt me greatly in the past (my sister always ridiculed my lifestyle choices, and she guilted me into taking care of my parents for 5 years in my early 20's; her husband sexually harrassed and molested me most of my life, since I was about 8). I cannot talk to her about any of this because then she responds with accusations of things that have nothing to do with those issues and that are judgmental to my lifestyle. I'm a nerd, I studied all my life and still do, I do research, and they think I should have gotten married and had kids instead - I'm a failure and I should not be criticizing them at all. So whenever I try to talk about things that I still have on my chest, accusations fly by, and the discussion turns to something that has nothing to do with what I was saying. Also, their comments denote that they still don't respect me for who I am; they never have.
>
> My question is: Is it possible to "divorce" some family members and live happily thereafter? There's a mixture of guilt and anxiety when I think about it, but then there is anger and agressivity when I am around them, and there does not seem to be a solution to that, other than staying away from them. Any insights anyone?Anythings possible..I think guilt is a wasted emotion but trying to stop guilt just takes a bit of time also anger fades and time is precious so using your time with emotionaly draining and soul corroding people just ain't healthy.
I also had traumas......resulting in family divorce-wish I'd of made that decision years ago...live n learn . I've learned that anger just adds fuel to their fire let them live their stagnant lives while you move forward and evolve--Happiness? more like relief and peace--just my advice \*^)dreamerx
Posted by sid on January 12, 2002, at 12:20:14
In reply to Re: divorce one's family?, posted by dreamer on January 11, 2002, at 23:26:25
Posted by kiddo on January 12, 2002, at 15:44:45
In reply to divorce one's family?, posted by sid on January 9, 2002, at 23:32:21
I responded to this post the other day, but I guess I didn't hit the submit button. I have very little contact with my family...I too am the 'nerd' in the family, but who's the first person they call when they need something? For now, I have chosen to give them that. Someday, I'll collect, and tell them I'm keeping a running tab.
I can't remember the person that told me, but it stayed with me nevertheless...and I'm sure you've heard it as well. 'They have to put you down to make themselves feel better.' -could probably say it better if i'd had sleep.
It took a very long time for me to be able to succeed, but I don't think about them unless they are around, and then I treat them as if we'd first met. Polite, yet not like friends or family, just someone I didn't know but needed to be 'civil' with (no I couldn't think of a better word)
It sounds so much like my family. I learned a long time ago, as messed up as my family was, if I WASNT living to their 'standards' more than likely I was doing pretty good.
Hang in there and hope it gets better...could write a book, but you'd probably need a translator...
Kiddo
> Hello,
>
> I have serious issues with my sister and her husband, and I have fantasized about "blocking them for a lifetime" or "divorcing" them. I feel guilt about it, even though they have hurt me greatly in the past (my sister always ridiculed my lifestyle choices, and she guilted me into taking care of my parents for 5 years in my early 20's; her husband sexually harrassed and molested me most of my life, since I was about 8). I cannot talk to her about any of this because then she responds with accusations of things that have nothing to do with those issues and that are judgmental to my lifestyle. I'm a nerd, I studied all my life and still do, I do research, and they think I should have gotten married and had kids instead - I'm a failure and I should not be criticizing them at all. So whenever I try to talk about things that I still have on my chest, accusations fly by, and the discussion turns to something that has nothing to do with what I was saying. Also, their comments denote that they still don't respect me for who I am; they never have.
>
> My question is: Is it possible to "divorce" some family members and live happily thereafter? There's a mixture of guilt and anxiety when I think about it, but then there is anger and agressivity when I am around them, and there does not seem to be a solution to that, other than staying away from them. Any insights anyone?
Posted by sid on January 12, 2002, at 18:44:59
In reply to Re: divorce one's family?, posted by kiddo on January 12, 2002, at 15:44:45
Thanks... comforting to know I'm not alone in this dilemma. Take care.
> I responded to this post the other day, but I guess I didn't hit the submit button. I have very little contact with my family...I too am the 'nerd' in the family, but who's the first person they call when they need something? For now, I have chosen to give them that. Someday, I'll collect, and tell them I'm keeping a running tab.
>
> I can't remember the person that told me, but it stayed with me nevertheless...and I'm sure you've heard it as well. 'They have to put you down to make themselves feel better.' -could probably say it better if i'd had sleep.
>
> It took a very long time for me to be able to succeed, but I don't think about them unless they are around, and then I treat them as if we'd first met. Polite, yet not like friends or family, just someone I didn't know but needed to be 'civil' with (no I couldn't think of a better word)
>
> It sounds so much like my family. I learned a long time ago, as messed up as my family was, if I WASNT living to their 'standards' more than likely I was doing pretty good.
>
> Hang in there and hope it gets better...could write a book, but you'd probably need a translator...
>
> Kiddo
>
>
>
>
> > Hello,
> >
> > I have serious issues with my sister and her husband, and I have fantasized about "blocking them for a lifetime" or "divorcing" them. I feel guilt about it, even though they have hurt me greatly in the past (my sister always ridiculed my lifestyle choices, and she guilted me into taking care of my parents for 5 years in my early 20's; her husband sexually harrassed and molested me most of my life, since I was about 8). I cannot talk to her about any of this because then she responds with accusations of things that have nothing to do with those issues and that are judgmental to my lifestyle. I'm a nerd, I studied all my life and still do, I do research, and they think I should have gotten married and had kids instead - I'm a failure and I should not be criticizing them at all. So whenever I try to talk about things that I still have on my chest, accusations fly by, and the discussion turns to something that has nothing to do with what I was saying. Also, their comments denote that they still don't respect me for who I am; they never have.
> >
> > My question is: Is it possible to "divorce" some family members and live happily thereafter? There's a mixture of guilt and anxiety when I think about it, but then there is anger and agressivity when I am around them, and there does not seem to be a solution to that, other than staying away from them. Any insights anyone?
Posted by ST on January 12, 2002, at 19:21:46
In reply to divorce one's family?, posted by sid on January 9, 2002, at 23:32:21
Hi Sid,
We choose our friends, but not our family, so who says we have to have them in our life if they are disrespectful or hurtful? It might make you feel better to write them a letter detailing exactly how you feel and that you want no contact for awhile. There will be no interruptions, no diverting accusations and you will feel a lot better. Then divorce yourself! If they write or leave messages, just know that they have that letter and they know exactly why you're doing this - even if they pretend they don't.
I'm past the guilt about cutting off one of my sisters. And there was a lot of guilt for some years.But I have to take care of myself, and now I'm happy with my choice.(Also, things don't have to be "forever". Things change. But for right now that's the way it is)
Your feelings are real. They are legitimate. You have a right to make choices based on how you feel. You must protect yourself. It's a long life, live it the way YOU want to.
Good luck,
Sarah> Hello,
>
> I have serious issues with my sister and her husband, and I have fantasized about "blocking them for a lifetime" or "divorcing" them. I feel guilt about it, even though they have hurt me greatly in the past (my sister always ridiculed my lifestyle choices, and she guilted me into taking care of my parents for 5 years in my early 20's; her husband sexually harrassed and molested me most of my life, since I was about 8). I cannot talk to her about any of this because then she responds with accusations of things that have nothing to do with those issues and that are judgmental to my lifestyle. I'm a nerd, I studied all my life and still do, I do research, and they think I should have gotten married and had kids instead - I'm a failure and I should not be criticizing them at all. So whenever I try to talk about things that I still have on my chest, accusations fly by, and the discussion turns to something that has nothing to do with what I was saying. Also, their comments denote that they still don't respect me for who I am; they never have.
>
> My question is: Is it possible to "divorce" some family members and live happily thereafter? There's a mixture of guilt and anxiety when I think about it, but then there is anger and agressivity when I am around them, and there does not seem to be a solution to that, other than staying away from them. Any insights anyone?
Posted by Gracie2 on January 12, 2002, at 22:34:37
In reply to Re: divorce one's family?, posted by ST on January 12, 2002, at 19:21:46
I agree with Sarah, if one or more of your family members really makes you miserable, it's time to draw the line.
I had to "divorce" several members of my dysfunctional family. The worst, particularly in the guilt department, was my mother. I moved back to my hometown after 7 years to be near my mother after my brother was killed because I was so worried about her. She made my life hell for years...she was understandably depressed and angry, but for some reason she took it out on ME.
I just couldn't do enough to please her. No matter how much we did for her (my husband and I)-
and she expected A LOT - or how much time and money we spent on her, she was always furious with both of us. She did things like - because we had given her a key to our house - let herself in during the day and take whatever she wanted; cookware, tools, even personal stuff like linen and photos. She did it all the time, and never returned anything. If I dared to stop by her house and ask for something back, she would stomp off, return with the offending article and, according to its weight, either slam it down on the table in front of me or throw it at me.Finally, after enduring this for a very long time, we changed the locks to the house. Oh my God, was she pissed! But I refused to give her a new key, so she started an assault by phone. She called day and night, constantly, to yell at me about something, and she wouldn't stop until I was in tears or so angry myself, my whole night was shot. Even when that didn't happen, she called so much that I could never finish my dinner or watch a whole movie. She was absolutely ruining my life. So we got an answering machine and a Caller ID. After awhile I stopped listening to her messages because they were just so nasty.
When I didn't return her calls, she started calling me at work. When I asked the secretary not to relay her calls, she started showing up at the front door every night until I told her that
I wouldn't let her in anymore. You can imagine the scene that caused, but she stayed away and she stopped calling. I felt sad and terribly guilty at first, but I knew that it was HER fault, that she had forced me to defend myself in that way. I should have made a point to stand up for myself right from the beginning, but I knew she was suffering from my brother's death. Which, incidentally, I was suffering from too, although she would never comfort me...her stance on that was, until I lost a child, I could never begin to understand the depth of grief and the daily pain that she experienced. Maybe this is so -
if I lost my son, I don't know if I could live with that - but I'm sure that the one thing I would NOT do is to turn on my other kids and rip them to shreds.I apologize for going on so long...16 years later,
I'm still quite emotional about the horrible way she treated me. After I shut my mother out, she eventually packed up her stuff and moved to Dallas to torture my sister. I could have wept with joy, although I felt sorry for my sister. Fortunately, the edge was off Mom's anger, and my sister is no doormat. They still had some clashes, and a couple of years later my sister moved to Hawaii -I guess she figured that was far enough.There is no way I could have continued to endure my mother's hatefulness and and abuse. As it was,
she turned me into a real mess. These days, I send her a Christmas present and I call her on her birthday. Otherwise we have no contact except at family weddings and funerals. It makes me sad to have no mother, but she controlled our relationship by her actions. I never wanted it to be this way, but my life is peaceful now.-Gracie
Posted by sid on January 13, 2002, at 11:04:39
In reply to Re: divorce one's family?, posted by ST on January 12, 2002, at 19:21:46
Thanks.
Some things from the past are still too fresh to my memory, and my sister can trigger some incredible anger in me, just by talking. She does not realize this, but I'm finding that around her (and her husband, whom I've managed to ignore relatively well so far), I am stressed and on the defensive, waiting for the next blow, or for the next moment where I will have to make incredible efforts to tame my anger. I could easily get physically violent with her sometimes. And I am not like that at all with anyone else.
Thanks again. For now, we seem to be OK again as we spoke on the phone and there was not even a mention of me hanging up on her because I was so angry. It's our mother's b-day soon (74 years old) and we are preparing a little get together with some family of hers (aunt, uncle, cousins) and some friends, so I decided to let things go for now, for my mother's sake. At 74 years old, I think she deserves some peace and quiet. My brother already split from my sister and so we can never be all together; my splitting too would be a lot more sadness for her. In my heart, my family is her, so I am very protective of her. The get-together was my idea too. But when she is gone, I could very well decide to split from my sister for good, depending on how she treats me. As for her husband, I ignore him, like I would if he were a house pet; it's mean, but that as much esteem I have for him. On the plus side: I never fight with house pets!
> Hi Sid,
>
> We choose our friends, but not our family, so who says we have to have them in our life if they are disrespectful or hurtful? It might make you feel better to write them a letter detailing exactly how you feel and that you want no contact for awhile. There will be no interruptions, no diverting accusations and you will feel a lot better. Then divorce yourself! If they write or leave messages, just know that they have that letter and they know exactly why you're doing this - even if they pretend they don't.
>
> I'm past the guilt about cutting off one of my sisters. And there was a lot of guilt for some years.But I have to take care of myself, and now I'm happy with my choice.(Also, things don't have to be "forever". Things change. But for right now that's the way it is)
>
> Your feelings are real. They are legitimate. You have a right to make choices based on how you feel. You must protect yourself. It's a long life, live it the way YOU want to.
>
> Good luck,
> Sarah
Posted by sid on January 13, 2002, at 11:19:48
In reply to Re: divorce one's family?, posted by Gracie2 on January 12, 2002, at 22:34:37
I'm sorry to read your story, but glad you found a solution.
When my father died my sister insisted again and again it was my role to help my mother. I had become the "strong one" and I never lived my grief myself, or anyway, it took years. I am not sure I am done with my grief, and it's been almost 11 years now. I discussed all this with my mother, 9 years after my father's death, and we had some very nice talks. My mother never meant for me to be so taken by her, and the only grudge I still hold is towards my sister. And her husband, for the sexual crap he made me go through most of my life. To him it's all jokes, humour, laugh, it's funny! I touch you somewhere inappropriate, laugh, it's funny ! Hello! You could have gone to prison for this! Especially since it started when I was 8 years old. I tend to consider him as sub-human, so it's not too bad. I ignore him as much as I possibly can and I'm fine.
But my sister insists on us (at a minimum her and I) having a relationship although we are extremely different, and she is rather judgmental of my choices, which are opposite to hers. Anyway, it gets difficult to manage at times. I am not ready to split from her yet, especially since she called me a few days after I hung up on her in anger, and we talk as if nothing ever happened. She's weird that way. I firmly believe that she suffers from anxiety, even more than me, but she does not realize it. So she's hard to deal with and she does not realize she could get some help. I also do it for my mother who's still alive and endured enough crap in life.
Anyway, thanks for your message. I do believe the same as you: we don't choose our family and if they are a hinderance to our well-being, we should cut them off. I may do it some day. And I'll try very hard not to feel guilty!
> I agree with Sarah, if one or more of your family members really makes you miserable, it's time to draw the line.
> I had to "divorce" several members of my dysfunctional family. The worst, particularly in the guilt department, was my mother. I moved back to my hometown after 7 years to be near my mother after my brother was killed because I was so worried about her. She made my life hell for years...she was understandably depressed and angry, but for some reason she took it out on ME.
> I just couldn't do enough to please her. No matter how much we did for her (my husband and I)-
> and she expected A LOT - or how much time and money we spent on her, she was always furious with both of us. She did things like - because we had given her a key to our house - let herself in during the day and take whatever she wanted; cookware, tools, even personal stuff like linen and photos. She did it all the time, and never returned anything. If I dared to stop by her house and ask for something back, she would stomp off, return with the offending article and, according to its weight, either slam it down on the table in front of me or throw it at me.
>
> Finally, after enduring this for a very long time, we changed the locks to the house. Oh my God, was she pissed! But I refused to give her a new key, so she started an assault by phone. She called day and night, constantly, to yell at me about something, and she wouldn't stop until I was in tears or so angry myself, my whole night was shot. Even when that didn't happen, she called so much that I could never finish my dinner or watch a whole movie. She was absolutely ruining my life. So we got an answering machine and a Caller ID. After awhile I stopped listening to her messages because they were just so nasty.
>
> When I didn't return her calls, she started calling me at work. When I asked the secretary not to relay her calls, she started showing up at the front door every night until I told her that
> I wouldn't let her in anymore. You can imagine the scene that caused, but she stayed away and she stopped calling. I felt sad and terribly guilty at first, but I knew that it was HER fault, that she had forced me to defend myself in that way. I should have made a point to stand up for myself right from the beginning, but I knew she was suffering from my brother's death. Which, incidentally, I was suffering from too, although she would never comfort me...her stance on that was, until I lost a child, I could never begin to understand the depth of grief and the daily pain that she experienced. Maybe this is so -
> if I lost my son, I don't know if I could live with that - but I'm sure that the one thing I would NOT do is to turn on my other kids and rip them to shreds.
>
> I apologize for going on so long...16 years later,
> I'm still quite emotional about the horrible way she treated me. After I shut my mother out, she eventually packed up her stuff and moved to Dallas to torture my sister. I could have wept with joy, although I felt sorry for my sister. Fortunately, the edge was off Mom's anger, and my sister is no doormat. They still had some clashes, and a couple of years later my sister moved to Hawaii -I guess she figured that was far enough.
>
> There is no way I could have continued to endure my mother's hatefulness and and abuse. As it was,
> she turned me into a real mess. These days, I send her a Christmas present and I call her on her birthday. Otherwise we have no contact except at family weddings and funerals. It makes me sad to have no mother, but she controlled our relationship by her actions. I never wanted it to be this way, but my life is peaceful now.
>
> -Gracie
Posted by Katey on January 13, 2002, at 14:14:06
In reply to divorce one's family?, posted by sid on January 9, 2002, at 23:32:21
i think your idea sounds very tempting to me personally, but thats probably just because i'm a teenager :)
Posted by sid on January 13, 2002, at 16:43:27
In reply to Re: divorce one's family? » sid, posted by Katey on January 13, 2002, at 14:14:06
Unfortunately, some of us still feel the same when we become adults.
> i think your idea sounds very tempting to me personally, but thats probably just because i'm a teenager :)
Posted by Chris Doe on May 25, 2003, at 13:39:38
In reply to darn dysthymia, posted by sid on January 10, 2002, at 0:44:20
I spent a better part of 5 years trying to figure out a way to "get back" at my father for things he did and the way he was. I heard the constant ridicule from my family about being a loser and not having my life worked out like they all do. Finally i was listening to a radio phyc show and the doctor said something that totaly made sense. Family connections are only strong because we are around these people and see them and talk to them often. This maintains whatever chemical reaction in the brain that creats love and effection. After hearing this i decided to stop talking to the members of my family who have hurt me. I now have no regrets, it was hard at first but my life is so much better without the influence and negativity given off by my family. Those of us with depression have enough negativity on our own and dont need any extra outside sources. In my opinion no family is better than one that treats you badly or contributes to the disorder. Hope this helps.
Posted by Lyrical13 on January 5, 2004, at 5:37:56
In reply to Re: divorce one's family?, posted by kiddo on January 12, 2002, at 15:44:45
I was thinking of starting my own thread about family stuff but on a whim did a search thinking "Maybe other folks have family crap too" And there it was..both of your posts said a lot of the things that I'm experiencing.
I'm the nerd too. Master's degree, always had straight A's with little effort, labeled "gifted" in school. Still continue to do informal research...lots of reading and research everything before I do it (like now I'm researching about depression/anxiety/bipolar... for the past year I've been researching adoption" I feel like a know-it-all when I talk to my family about things I've learned...I'm not trying to be...just trying to pass along some helpful info but they react so negatively... you know..the rolling of the eyes.... I also have a very big vocabulary and they ridicule that. Or they just stare at me or make fun of me... act like I'm a complete idiot or psycho or something. Yeah, I have mental health issues, but at least I'm getting help...they're all sick and completely dysfunctional but think they're perfect...to me that's more sick.
Short life story..I have a hx of depression/anxiety for at least 13 years (when I started college) That's when I started having serious problems but I think it was there on a more subtle level since I was about 13. Been in counseling off and on for 13 years. Tried a couple different meds in those early college years but felt worse on them. Didn't start really taking meds till 1996 and have been on various ADs since then. Now am on Effexor 225mg, Seroquel 50mg and Synthroid 100mg. Just within the past month my new pdoc is thinking that I'm not depression/GAD but BP2. So there will be another med change in a couple weeks here.
I'm just realizing within the past few years that I have an extensive family hx of mental illness (I really hate that term...don't know why) THere is at least one aunt, 2 cousins and my sister with anxiety/depression/mood disorder problems on my dad's side. Grandmother and mom on mother's side, though Mom denies she has a problem..has been too busy fixing me all the while saying that I'm codependent. She's right but the thing is so is she! I told her that once in a very brave (or foolish?) moment and she said she'd been in counseling.."did her time" and was fine. Wrong! Hmmm....isn't the definition of codependency focusing on someone else's problems and trying to fix them? Hello!
My grandma is definitely mentally ill in a major way but undiagnosed...in her mind, she's perfect. It's everyone else who's horrible and out to get her..very narcissistic, selfish and abusive (according to my mom, she was abusive in every sense of the word. I've heard enough of my mom's stories about her childhood to believe that plus my own experience with "Crazy Jane" as people call her. Not very nice, I admit but she's not a nice person.
AS far as my mom goes, she's read a lot of stuff, worked as a psych nurse and in rehab hospitals so talks the talk...but I realized that I've basically been her relationship counselor since I was 13. She would go on and on about her relationships with men, we'd sit there and psycho-analyze the whole thing and then when I started to talk about my life, she'd all of a sudden not have time to talk..had to rush off somewhere.
My dad's family doesn't talk about anything. Bunch of ostriches. My grandpa was an alcoholic but no one every talked about it...there was this perfect facade. I always wondered why he was always sleeping on holidays..turned out he wasn't sleeping but passed out! I was really shocked several years ago when I was at my aunt's house...we were talking about how grandpa always was eating..snacking on something (and he was a beanpole)..my aunt said, "That's because he had half his stomach removed because of his drinking" Wow! Someone actually was acknowledging the problem!
I am a child of divorce...several times. In terms of divorcing your own family.... my mom basically divorced her mother. Has little to no contact with her. I'd have to say that I think that's a healthy move for her. IMHO, grandma is the main reason that my mom lives 1000 miles away (or however far it is from MI where we are and TX where mom is)
My parents divorced when I was in about 1st grade. Mom got remarried in 4th. Moved from MI to TX after 5th due to step-dad's job. Dad got remarried after 6th. Mom got divorced again in the middle of 7th. Brother moved to MI to live with dad. Just mom and me in TX till I graduated college in 93. Then I moved back to MI and mom started her tour around the states. Boston, TX, Chicago, SC, MA, SC, TX There have been a string of dysfunctional relationships for mom. Now she's on marriage #3 and sounding very dissatisfied with him....I'm expecting divorce #3 within the next couple years.
DAd is still married and he appears to have things together but the truth is no one talks about anything, his wife sabotages everything he tries to do and now one of his daughters from the 2nd marriage has recently been dx'ed with some sort of mood disorder and the other one is currently on meds for ADD, though I suspect before she's 20 she'll be dx'ed with an anxiety disorder. It's always been there but my dad thinks psychology is "a bunch of crap".
I feel guilty for saying this but part of me is glad that my sisters are on meds now and are having problems too. It's not that I want them to feel as miserable as me..I'm glad that they're being dx'ed at a younger age (14 and 16) so that maybe they won't have to go through the hell I"ve been through. But the other part is, now I'm not the only one in our immediate family. I don't seem so psycho to them now. My step-mom used to be very supportive of me. But once I moved back here from college and I was actually living with dad rather than visiting, things got very strained until she and I had a huge fight in summer of 97 and I moved out. I was basically unofficially the "other parent".. my dad has always been an absent father. He's physically there but that's it. Workaholic, emotionally detached, very critical, perfectionisstic. NO one talks about everything. To my step-mom everything is a joke...at someone else's expense. If you object or say anything about how you feel about anything, you're made fun of and your feelings are discounted by both of them. When someone said "they put you down to feel better about themselves" that's exactly it. My step-mom would majorly mess with my little sister's heads and think it was funny.
she threw the whole depression thing in my face when we had that last fight. Things have been distant but civil ever since. I've gotten really close to my little sis (14 yr old) who is also probably BP...not sure what variety yet. She's on Prozac and Trileptal. Other sis is on something for ADD but has always been very anxious. Step-mom is starting to come around a little bit and ask me questions about my issues to help her daughter. Thank goodness for that. It sure helps to have an ally (little sis) in the family. I'm trying to be very careful though and not dump my grown-up crap on her...she's only 14 (sound familiar...my mom started dumping crap on me when I was that age) And I've always kept my relationship with their mom separate and have never talked with them about my issues with her. That's their mom and I want them to have a good relationship with her.
Anyway, sorry to write a whole book. I've analyzed my family quite a bit in all these years of therapy! I'm married but still no kids. We very much want them and plan to adopt but hopefully we can have a much healthier more functional family than I grew up with...part of that will depend on how much help my husband gets for all his baggage from his dysfunctional family that he thinks is perfect....
TTFN (ta ta for now)
L13
Posted by Lyrical13 on January 5, 2004, at 5:43:26
In reply to divorce one's family?, posted by sid on January 9, 2002, at 23:32:21
Sounds like the less contact you have with them the better. Your brother-in-law abused you and your sis is in denial. Sounds like interaction with them is negative and more abusive to you emotionally. Staying distant sounds like self-preservation to me. Until they get help for their own issues, you are probably not going to get the responses that you want and are only setting yourself up for more hurt. I know it feels weird not to be involved with family... I feel guilty about not visiting my grandma or very rarely doing so..esp at the holidays.. but the truth is, why set myself up? I know I'm going to walk away angry and upset so why go through that? Just because she's family doesn't mean I owe her anything. I feel bad because she's all by herself, but she made that bed herself. She was so awful to everyone that she's driven everyone away.
You dont have to feel guilty...they aren't helping you or being supportive of you...they're causing further hurt IMHO, L13
Posted by Lyrical13 on January 5, 2004, at 6:03:45
In reply to Re: divorce one's family?, posted by Gracie2 on January 12, 2002, at 22:34:37
My best friend lost her brother in 1989 and still has a lot of grief about that. Her mom and dad took it all out on her...said terrible things to her..put her in the middle of their divorce (she was already a grown woman). She moved to the other side of the state to get away and her mom followed her. Sounds similar to your situation. She keeps herself distant from her mom amap and has no contact with her dad...he ditched her and her family a few years back after being very close to her oldest son.. now he's trying to come back into their lives like nothing happened...like he didn't disappear for 2 years and leave her little boy (only 4 or 5 at the time) absolutely devastated. If I were her I wouldn't be in any rush to have him come into my children's lives and hurt them again. She still really struggles with her brother's death and the ensuing family dysfunction...actually the family was pretty messed up before then but the death was a catalyst for the divorce. She lost her whole family after that. Very rough row to hoe indeed.
The other thing that triggered something for me is your talk about how your mom responded to your change in interaction with her...violently it sounds like. Have you read any of Harriet Lerner's books? "Dance of Anger" or "Dance of Intimacy" ? Latest one is called "The Dance of Connection" She talks about how in families we all have a dance we do..everyone has their role they play...when dad says this, sis reacts like such and such. It's a pattern of interaction that repeats itself over and over with different words and different contexts. When someone in the family gets help and starts to change how they interact (changes the dance) the rest of the family reacts violently (not literally always but there is a backlash) to try to force the person back into their usual role because that is what they are used to.
In my life I see it happening. All my life I didn't stand up to my mother. When I tried to defend myself, the yelling got worse and the lectures got longer and she just got angrier. So I learned to just shut up and ride out the storm. Now that I'm older (34) and have been through lots of tx and have started being more assertive and standing up for myself, suddenly (according to mom) I'm a b$##$ and am "being defensive" She tries to yell/lecture/guilt me back into submission and when I don't fall back into my old role, that makes her even more angry. I've changed the dance and she can't handle it. The ironic thing is, she's the one who gave me those books to read in the first place!!!!!
REally good books if you have a chance to read them...in your case I'd start with the one about anger..it sounds like there's a lot of that!
Good luck! L13
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