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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Roo on December 3, 2001, at 12:46:45
My exboyfriend, who I broke up with just a couple of months
ago, has now started seeing someone else. it's so hard
I'm so damn jealous! I know I have no right to be, b/c
I'm the one that broke his heart, but still it's hard. previous
to his seeing someone else, even though we were broken
up we were hanging out 2 or 3 times a week, and slipping up
and having sex sometimes. Argh. It's such an ugly
low down feeling--I don't want him, but I don't want
anyone else to have him. I feel angry towards him and
I begrudge him his happiness and almost feel like punishing
him for dating someone else (I resist these feelings of
course, but it feels so ugly that they are there). Please
someone tell me this is all human. My higher self knows
that this is really a good thing and it will help me to
let go and move on. We had a lot of trouble letting go
of each other and it caused us a lot of pain. I hope eventually
I can get over this and that we can be friends.
Posted by Augusta on December 3, 2001, at 13:50:55
In reply to Jealous, posted by Roo on December 3, 2001, at 12:46:45
> Please someone tell me this is all human.
Roo,
I would feel exactly as you do. I think such a reaction is both understandable and very human.
The most accurate way to understand it, I think, is that the situation causes you so much pain that you very naturally want to strike out at the cause of the pain and bring it to a halt. When you look at it that way, imho, there is not too much to wonder at.
My personal experience has been that love affairs can become friendships but only with a lot of work and, often, a bit of luck. And the "crunch point" comes, I think, when one of the parties begins a new relationship.
When I have been in your situation, I have needed to distance myself from the other for at least a period of time. For me, it would be impossible to remain close to my ex until I had done some major healing and jumped through some pretty formidable emotional hoops.
Posted by sar on December 3, 2001, at 14:15:55
In reply to Jealous, posted by Roo on December 3, 2001, at 12:46:45
dear Roo,
if i remember correctly, were you engaged?
i can relate to you to your situation to a painful degree; in April of 2000 i broke up with someone who truly loved me, and i loved him a bit less--but still, he was my first love, and it hurt so much to see that he was dating and sleeping with different girls after our break-up. we slipped up to, had sex several times after our break-up and it was wonderful but sad too; finally, it was his decision that we couldn't hang out oo much anymore. he needed distance from me to get over the break-up. i was so emotionally attatched to him that it hurt *very much* (and does to this day), but i realize he made the most rational decision. if i saw him now, i think i would collapse into his arms, in spite of not wanting to be with him ever again.
human relationships are weird--flailing, intimately close, wispy, difficult--and never what they seem. it can be very disheartening.
your feelings are very human.
Posted by Roo on December 3, 2001, at 14:37:30
In reply to Re: Jealous, posted by sar on December 3, 2001, at 14:15:55
> dear Roo,
>
> if i remember correctly, were you engaged?
>
>Sar, Yes, we were engaged. He's very much the
getting married type. It will hurt a lot to see
him getting married to someone else, even though
I broke it off. We were very emotionally attached
as well. I really depended on him, probably to
an unhealthy degree, to soothe me and make me feel
better, and he did, like nobody else could. He was
kind of like the mother I never had--a very good
caretaker. But there wasn't a great deal of spark.
Now it seems like my lesson is learning to mother and
be kind to myself, rather than depend so much on other
for reassurance that i'm lovable, etc.Thanks for sharing your experience---I could definitely
relate and it just helps to know I'm not alone in
this.
Posted by Sourceror on December 3, 2001, at 15:13:10
In reply to Re: Jealous, posted by sar on December 3, 2001, at 14:15:55
Dear Roo,
Don't know how much it helps but this quote from F.Scott Fitzgerald (a famous writer) came to mind "I wouldn't care if she died, but I couldn't stand to have anyone else marry her". This has summed up how I have felt after many a break up.
L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by susan C on December 3, 2001, at 19:09:32
In reply to Jealous, posted by Roo on December 3, 2001, at 12:46:45
I know, I know it isn't the 1800's and you aren't Jane Austin, but I thought you might be amused by this bit of exteranious fluff...
You know about the practice of 'leaving cards'? It is often movies based in this time. Someone gives the butler a card, the butler delivers it to the lady of the house on a silver tray, and she almost always peeks out the upstairs window, and tells the butler to say she 'isn't at home'....?
The book i happen to be reading describes this activity as primarily a female activity... 'although the one obligatory time for a man to send out his own cards was upon his marriage, the receipt of the card signaling that you were respectable enough to be retained as a friend even though the new groom's bachelor days were now over. "when a man marries, it is understood that all former acquanintance ENDS, unless he intimates a desire to renew it, buy sending you his own and his wife's card."'
Even though this behavior was described as a custom in the 1800's, I can't help but relate it to my own feelings and your description, here.
When I committed to a serious relationship, or observed same in previous boyfriend, I stopped having anything to do with him and he with me. I even had a mutual male friend, whom I met at a hotel room while on a business trip, comment that we had to make the meeting short, because, even though we knew we were just friends, his brother was running for elected office and 'it wouldn't look right'.
We live in a society, there is no two ways about it. And many times our you my emotions don't match up with how it is 'expected' to be done.
mouse with a time machine
susan C
Posted by JohnDoenut on December 3, 2001, at 20:25:02
In reply to Jealous, posted by Roo on December 3, 2001, at 12:46:45
I agree with what the others have said so Ill say something else instead but please dont take it the wrong way because believe me I do understand. What hasnt been voiced is that jeolousy is a result of attachment. If you let someone go, release the attachment, there wont be any jeolousy. This is easier said than done, takes practice. It doesnt mean you dont love them or like them or care about them or cant be friends with them. You just let them go. Sort of Buddha like in a way perhaps. ;-) Its not something so easily explained, more like something you understand after you experience it.
> My exboyfriend, who I broke up with just a couple of months
> ago, has now started seeing someone else. it's so hard
> I'm so damn jealous! I know I have no right to be, b/c
> I'm the one that broke his heart, but still it's hard. previous
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on December 5, 2001, at 18:42:30
In reply to Jealous, posted by Roo on December 3, 2001, at 12:46:45
> My exboyfriend, who I broke up with just a couple of months
> ago, has now started seeing someone else. it's so hard
> I'm so damn jealous! I know I have no right to be, b/c
> I'm the one that broke his heart, but still it's hard. previous
> to his seeing someone else, even though we were broken
> up we were hanging out 2 or 3 times a week, and slipping up
> and having sex sometimes. Argh. It's such an ugly
> low down feeling--I don't want him, but I don't want
> anyone else to have him. I feel angry towards him and
> I begrudge him his happiness and almost feel like punishing
> him for dating someone else (I resist these feelings of
> course, but it feels so ugly that they are there). Please
> someone tell me this is all human. My higher self knows
> that this is really a good thing and it will help me to
> let go and move on. We had a lot of trouble letting go
> of each other and it caused us a lot of pain. I hope eventually
> I can get over this and that we can be friends.Hi Roo,
What you are going through is very human. I don't know whether your feeling stems from real love or not. It sounds more like an ego thing with you; don't you think?
I wish you the best; I have felt jealousy before, and it is no fun to have it.
Glenn
Posted by Roo on December 6, 2001, at 9:28:44
In reply to Re: Jealous » Roo, posted by Glenn Fagelson on December 5, 2001, at 18:42:30
> Hi Roo,
>
> What you are going through is very human. I don't know whether your feeling stems from real love or not. It sounds more like an ego thing with you; don't you think?I think it's both. I really loved him...but yes, my ego/pride is hurt too.
>
> I wish you the best; I have felt jealousy before, and it is no fun to have it.No it's not. I hate being jealous. It feels so ugly and trite. But I guess I ought to just
welcome myself to the human race.
>
> Glenn
Posted by sar on December 6, 2001, at 10:05:54
In reply to Re: Jealous, posted by Roo on December 6, 2001, at 9:28:44
>
> No it's not. I hate being jealous. It feels so ugly and trite. But I guess I ought to just
> welcome myself to the human race.i agree with what the other posters said. i can relate to wht you wrote about your fiance almost being a motherly figure; mine was too. once i saw his new girlfriend on the street, i was walking behind her, and i thought bitterly, Well at least he got the big-booty girlfriend he always wanted!
i think that time makes it a little easier...and i like what Mouse wrote...i was talking to a friend last night and he told me that upon marrying one another, he and his girlfriend destroyed all photos/mementos of past lovers. he kind of coerced her into doing this. i replied that that reflected a degree of insecurity on his part, but this morning, over coffee, i understand the rationale behind it: when my best friend broke my heart, i destroyed everything he'd ever given me. had a nice little fire jamboree in my backyard. the smoke was so strong that firetrucks were called by an unknowing neighbor.
we have to live with these scars on our hearts, that's all...
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