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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cary on April 22, 2001, at 14:41:18
I've just read an earlier post which really struck a chord with me. I've suffered from depression as long as I can remember, and am in a long-distance relationship which has become serious. We live in different countries, but have met each other and got along well, apart from some problems which I'm trying to learn to accept as being normal in relationships - this is my first, so this is a real learning experience for me.
But following the last time I saw her I've fallen into a deep depression, and have begun to doubt everything about us - whether we're right for each other (our personalities are very different, and I'm afraid when I'm feeling down I get very irritable and start thinking we can't get on, etc...), whether I like sex (again, the first time was my first time, and it wasn't great, couldn't even 'do it' the second time, and have worried myself to the point where I feel I'm going mad ever since), even whether I love her. The last one is the hardest. I feel so GUILTY, the pain is incredible. I've recently told her what depression does to me, but I couldn't possibly tell her I've begun doubting something so fundamental. And keeping it locked in while trying to continue a loving, affectionate relationship is so hard. Like one of your previous posters, I thought having a girlfriend would mean an end to all my problems, but really it's just created a whole set of new ones. I feel like throwing everything away, even though there's some rational part of me reminding me we're really good together, even if, right now, I'm doubting even that.
Anyone who's felt something similar, please could you give me some advice. I don't want to end something which a few months ago I was saying was the best thing that's ever happened to me, but the anxiety is so great at the moment it feels like it's the only option.
Thankyou for reading.
Posted by Gracie2 on April 22, 2001, at 22:01:21
In reply to Coping with a relationship during depression, posted by Cary on April 22, 2001, at 14:41:18
Cary-
I assume you're feeling guilty because your feelings are not as strong as hers, and you are telling this person that you love her when you're not sure that you do.
I hope you discuss your feelings with your friend. Even if it hurts her, it is much kinder than ending the relationship without letting her know what the real problem is. Please be honest, let her know that she is special to you but that you are feeling unable to deal with an intense
relationship right now. She may be willing to back off and give you some breathing room until
you're feeling better...which will be a better time for you to decide whether you want to continue the relationship.
-Gracie
Posted by Cary on April 23, 2001, at 4:09:59
In reply to Re: Coping with a relationship during depression, posted by Gracie2 on April 22, 2001, at 22:01:21
Many thanks for replying, Gracie. You're right, it is the uncertainty. But when I'm happy and we're together I love her intensely, when we're apart and especially now I've lapsed into another period of depression, I start doubting everything, start feeling numb. She's really been so kind and understanding this last week, yet I still try to push her away. I've thought of the breathing room idea, even tentatively suggested it but she's really as insecure as I am in many ways, and I don't think she'd be able to cope with it.
It's the uncertainty - but how can I be certain of *anything* when I'm feeling like this, when everything looks black and hopeless and confusing? It's just one more thing for the depression to chew up and spit out.
Cary> Cary-
> I assume you're feeling guilty because your feelings are not as strong as hers, and you are telling this person that you love her when you're not sure that you do.
> I hope you discuss your feelings with your friend. Even if it hurts her, it is much kinder than ending the relationship without letting her know what the real problem is. Please be honest, let her know that she is special to you but that you are feeling unable to deal with an intense
> relationship right now. She may be willing to back off and give you some breathing room until
> you're feeling better...which will be a better time for you to decide whether you want to continue the relationship.
> -Gracie
Posted by roo on April 23, 2001, at 8:36:58
In reply to Re: Coping with a relationship during depression, posted by Cary on April 23, 2001, at 4:09:59
Cary--
I've felt (and still do feel at times) exactly as
you do. In fact, I broke off an engagement from
my boyfriend b/c of it. We went into counseling
together, and I discovered a lot about how my
depression effects our relationship. (and he has
problems too, which contributed to me feeling
"smothered", he was too focused on me, I felt, and
didn't have "a life")...but we're working on all
these things. One thing that really helped me that
may or may not help you was that I began to realize
that my bad feelings had little to do with my boyfriend.
I noticed when I was feeling good about myself, I was
feeling good and hopeful about us. And when I was feeling
shitty about myself, I was feeling doubtful about us, and
critical of my boyfriend--having thoughts like "do I
really even love him?". Just realizing that made me feel
less panicky when I had those doubtful feelings. Along with
that was just not reacting so much to my negative feelings, try
to ride them like waves and realize they pass and that the good
feelings will come again. I also realized that b/c I've been
depressed my whole life, the possibility of a happy
life with my boyfriend was actually, ironically, an
anxiety provoking thought, b/c although happiness might
seem like an obvious choice--it's was unfamiliar to me and
therefore threatening. So, in an odd way, falling back
into depressive type cycles was actually a way of
comforting myself from the stress/anxiety of the possibility
of happiness with another person. Does that make any
sense at all? It was a long, hard process figuring all
this stuff out. In fact, me and my boyfriend broke up
for 4 months. Now we're about to move in together. I still]
am dealing with anxiety that crops up sometimes. We shall
see. I'm just a little better at calming myself down
than I used to be.Are you on medication for depression? That can help
a great deal too....
Posted by Cary on April 23, 2001, at 16:36:00
In reply to Re: Coping with a relationship during depression, posted by roo on April 23, 2001, at 8:36:58
Roo, I can't thank you enough for your message of hope. I read it earlier today and related to just about every word of it. I've been feeling so much more positive ever since. My girlfriend has been just the same as your boyfriend was - she has similar problems, and we both need other things going on in our lives. My feelings about her change in the exactly the same way as yours when I'm feeling depressed, and the guilt of that has been hard to bear. But you're right, when I'm feeling happier, when I'm thinking levelly and rationally, I love her so much that it sometimes takes my breath away (last time that happened I realised how accurate that expression was). I just need to remember that these feelings are still there, in my heart, even when I'm feeling numb or confused. That they'll come back. It's so hard to think rationally and realistically sometimes though.
I've tried half a dozen different types of medication over the years. None of them had ANY effect at all, even on the maximum dose. I remember my nervousness at taking Prozac for the first time, that it might make me weird(er!), and my disappoinment when I found it didn't! The only thing antidepressants have ever done for me is interfere with my sleep, making me feel worse, especially when I come off them. Last year I'm afraid I gave up, disillusioned with medication, and more certain than ever that I was never going to get better. Therapy wasn't helping me either.
Good luck with moving in with your boyfriend, Roo. You've worked so hard coming to terms with your problems, I'm sure you've got something really special going there.> Cary--
>
> I've felt (and still do feel at times) exactly as
> you do. In fact, I broke off an engagement from
> my boyfriend b/c of it. We went into counseling
> together, and I discovered a lot about how my
> depression effects our relationship. (and he has
> problems too, which contributed to me feeling
> "smothered", he was too focused on me, I felt, and
> didn't have "a life")...but we're working on all
> these things. One thing that really helped me that
> may or may not help you was that I began to realize
> that my bad feelings had little to do with my boyfriend.
> I noticed when I was feeling good about myself, I was
> feeling good and hopeful about us. And when I was feeling
> shitty about myself, I was feeling doubtful about us, and
> critical of my boyfriend--having thoughts like "do I
> really even love him?". Just realizing that made me feel
> less panicky when I had those doubtful feelings. Along with
> that was just not reacting so much to my negative feelings, try
> to ride them like waves and realize they pass and that the good
> feelings will come again. I also realized that b/c I've been
> depressed my whole life, the possibility of a happy
> life with my boyfriend was actually, ironically, an
> anxiety provoking thought, b/c although happiness might
> seem like an obvious choice--it's was unfamiliar to me and
> therefore threatening. So, in an odd way, falling back
> into depressive type cycles was actually a way of
> comforting myself from the stress/anxiety of the possibility
> of happiness with another person. Does that make any
> sense at all? It was a long, hard process figuring all
> this stuff out. In fact, me and my boyfriend broke up
> for 4 months. Now we're about to move in together. I still]
> am dealing with anxiety that crops up sometimes. We shall
> see. I'm just a little better at calming myself down
> than I used to be.
>
> Are you on medication for depression? That can help
> a great deal too....
Posted by roo on April 23, 2001, at 16:56:54
In reply to Re: Coping with a relationship during depression, posted by Cary on April 23, 2001, at 16:36:00
Thanks Cary :-) Believe me, I know how hard this
stuff is--the anxiety and heartbreaking emotion is
intense...the two of you might consider couple's
counseling...it helped me and my boyfriend's issues
a lot. Preferably a therapist who is more cognitively
based. It helps me too, knowing there are others out
there whose disease, depression, filters the lens with
which they view their relationships (and why wouldn't
it--it filters the whole way you view yourself and
the world)...but just knowing that can make you feel
less crazy and less victimized by it. You can sort of
take a deep breath and realize "This is the disease talking...
and it will pass...".
Hang in there, and I hope things get better soon. It sounds
like you really love her a lot. Ruth
Posted by Cary on April 23, 2001, at 19:25:47
In reply to Re: Coping with a relationship during depression, posted by roo on April 23, 2001, at 16:56:54
> Hang in there, and I hope things get better soon. It sounds
> like you really love her a lot. RuthThanks to what you've said, Ruth, things are better already. We've just had the nicest, most relaxed conversation we've had in weeks.
When I'm feeling myself again and we can look back on this bad time, I wonder if I should tell her how the depression's made me see her and our relationship? I mean, she knows I've been thinking very negatively, but she doesn't know the extent of it. Would it help, do you think? Otherwise when I get low and anxious again I'll be keeping it locked inside again, and feeling guilty because of my lack of affection. It makes the loving part of me numb. That's the worst part.
Thanks,
C
Posted by roo on April 24, 2001, at 8:42:00
In reply to Re: Coping with a relationship during depression, posted by Cary on April 23, 2001, at 19:25:47
I know...
Well, I can tell you that I told my boyfriend, just
how I told you: When I'm feeling shitty about myself,
I feel shitty about our relationship. It has nothing
to do with you, it has to do with how I'm feeling about
myself. When I'm feeling good about me, I'm feeling good
about us, etc. He didn't take it personally. I think it
probably hurts more not to know, b/c then they can interpret
it in more negative ways. This way they can think to themselves
that it's the depression, not them. I don't know how she'll take
it, but my boyfriend was okay with it. I personally think it's
better to talk about everything. Plus, once you know the pattern
for yourself, you won't act as distant or feel as guilty, b/c
you'll know you're just having a depression flare-up, and that
"the end" isn't in sight for the two of you.
This is the end of the thread.
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