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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shrinking violet on January 15, 2007, at 18:53:59
....of my former T.
I know our relationship wasn't normal, and I know that's as much her fault as it was mine, if not more.
The "relationship" (if it can be called that) with my current T is better. Normal. No personal feeling, no fear, no hesitation or defensiveness. I trust her judgment, and I don't care enough about what she thinks of me to withhold things from her. I like her enough to talk to her, but I don't wonder about her personally, I don't care where she lives, I don't want to hug her, I have no thoughts about her at all. I know this is normal, and it's better. But of course it makes what I had with my former T all the more confusing.
I want to write a letter to my former T, telling her everything. How confused she made me, how I hurt because of her. It'll be a long letter though (to put it mildly) and frankly I'm not sure I can write it. No, I know I can, I just....I just don't know if opening up all of that emotion again would be worth it.
Would I be able to truly let her go then?
If not, then how?I just don't know....
-SV
Posted by Scentedgarden on January 15, 2007, at 21:40:17
In reply to how do i let go, posted by shrinking violet on January 15, 2007, at 18:53:59
hi...i dont think we have met before..but im glad you posted as what you did.
i donnno if it will help by opening things up...all the emotion , but i dont see how it can do any harm, if you are already still feeling so much for her...can it do any real harm to put your thought and feelings down especially now sh is no longer your therapist.?
i donno your history but it sounds like you had a wonderfully intense relationship with her...and now you have just a therapist...
i see the differnce..its nice when they dont mean much as the intense stuff can be very overwhelming...
if you had a few mins to read some of my recent posts you may see i feel alot for my terpaist and im so glad you have posted....as i can see myself feeling as you do in a while from now...
its amazing how the things someone does here can really be timely for another person...
im sorry i cant help you at all really...i just wanted to say i think i understand how you feel...
id love to now how you ended with your precious therapist, and if you loved her ..as i love mine..but i wont ask as im not pushy that waysorry this is rushed its nearly 4 am and i cant sleep but im rushing so i can get into bed and try...
hope to speak again soon whenim not rushing...
besy wishes
scentedgarden
Posted by canadagirl on January 15, 2007, at 21:43:23
In reply to how do i let go, posted by shrinking violet on January 15, 2007, at 18:53:59
Well I think this will sound like a broken record but the usual answer is, talk to the current T about your feelings about the old T. And it truly does work. I didn't believe it until I tried it, but it sure did work for me. Good luck, I know it's hard.
Posted by Daisym on January 16, 2007, at 0:15:29
In reply to how do i let go, posted by shrinking violet on January 15, 2007, at 18:53:59
Maybe you should stop trying so hard to let go but rather sift through your experience for those moments that mean so much to you. Rarely do we encounter someone who calls up so many intense feelings. Your old therapist had something that touched you, and something you needed. Even though your new therapist is "easier" in some ways, the passion and depth of your feelings for the first one can't just be dismissed as "bad" for you. She awoke a deep need, a need that was painful and all consuming. It isn't always comfortable, but knowing you have the capacity to feel so deeply is actually a gift.
I think if you can reframe your experience as a bitter-sweet one, you will be able to put it behind you, in that pile of memories we sort through and learn from. Writing the letter might help. Mailing it almost certainly won't. Because that isn't closure, it is reopening the door.
I feel for you. I hope you can talk it through in therapy.
Posted by shrinking violet on January 16, 2007, at 8:00:16
In reply to Re: how do i let go, posted by Scentedgarden on January 15, 2007, at 21:40:17
Hi,
Nice to meet you, and thanks for replying.Well, my relationship with my former T was good in some ways, not good in others. I think we were too enmeshed emotionally, and she hardly had any boundaries at all with me. She took my anger and defensiveness personally, she'd take things I said or did personally and get defensive in return....It was very difficult and draining for both of us. It had it's tender good moments, but, that just leaves me wondering whether it was 'real' and whether she really cared as much as she claimed, or was it all some therapeutic trick?
Anyway, it's too complicated to go into here. I don't know what your relationship with your T is like....I'm sure it's nothing like mine was, lol, as i'm sure your T is more in control of things than I feel mine was.
Thanks again for replying, and welcome to babble.
-sv> hi...i dont think we have met before..but im glad you posted as what you did.
>
> i donnno if it will help by opening things up...all the emotion , but i dont see how it can do any harm, if you are already still feeling so much for her...can it do any real harm to put your thought and feelings down especially now sh is no longer your therapist.?
>
> i donno your history but it sounds like you had a wonderfully intense relationship with her...and now you have just a therapist...
>
> i see the differnce..its nice when they dont mean much as the intense stuff can be very overwhelming...
>
> if you had a few mins to read some of my recent posts you may see i feel alot for my terpaist and im so glad you have posted....as i can see myself feeling as you do in a while from now...
>
> its amazing how the things someone does here can really be timely for another person...
>
> im sorry i cant help you at all really...i just wanted to say i think i understand how you feel...
> id love to now how you ended with your precious therapist, and if you loved her ..as i love mine..but i wont ask as im not pushy that way
>
> sorry this is rushed its nearly 4 am and i cant sleep but im rushing so i can get into bed and try...
>
> hope to speak again soon whenim not rushing...
>
> besy wishes
> scentedgarden
Posted by shrinking violet on January 16, 2007, at 8:04:12
In reply to Re: how do i let go, posted by canadagirl on January 15, 2007, at 21:43:23
Hi, thanks for replying.Well, normally I'd agree with you, but again, my situation is complex in a myriad of ways and this is one of them.
I live in the smallest state in the US (literally), and my former T and current T are situated in a very tiny town. My former T recommended my current T to me, saying that they were "friends." I don't know how true that is (even if they are, my current T wouldn't let on), but I do know they at least know each other in professional capacities, and perhaps even personally as well. Given that situation I don't feel that my current T can be truly objective about this situation. I've tried discussing it with her before, but she seems to defend my former T in some ways and this made me uncomfortable and not able to trust her on this topic. I'd be afraid that whatever advice (if any) she gave me would be biased, and, well, I just plain don't trust her on this one topic.
So, yeah....
Thanks for the suggestion anyway. :-)
-sv
> Well I think this will sound like a broken record but the usual answer is, talk to the current T about your feelings about the old T. And it truly does work. I didn't believe it until I tried it, but it sure did work for me. Good luck, I know it's hard.
Posted by shrinking violet on January 16, 2007, at 8:12:31
In reply to Re: how do i let go, posted by Daisym on January 16, 2007, at 0:15:29
Hi Dinah,
As usual, you give wisdom :-)
I hear what you're saying, and you're right to a point, but, I just can't let it go that easily. I wish I could, but....I feel strongly about some of the things my T did and said, things I don't think she should have done given her situation. And it angers me, it just does. Yes, she gave me things I needed at the time (whether they were genuine or a therapy ploy bothers me greatly also), but she could have done the same in a different way, without confusing me and causing more hurt in the process. I do give her credit for a lot of things, however at the same time I just feel like I need to unburden myself in regards to other things. For example (and this is a more extreme example, but it's the one that comes to mind and is easiest to explain), should she just be able to tell me (her client at the time) during one session that, oh, by the way, i think we should have three more sessions and that's it...? Mostly, I need her to know how her actions and words effected me, because i really don't want her to do this to someone else. I know she would never intentionally harm me or anyone, but maybe if she realizes what she did to me she would think twice next time she finds herself in a similar situation.
I don't know.....I know if I wrote the letter I'd feel I had to send it. And then I know if I did that, I would let her go in terms of no more holiday or birthday cards or letters telling her how i am. i think i am ready to do that, but, i don't know. I do want to make sure that by sending her the letter I am doing it for ME and not for any other reason (well, maybe aside from, as I've said, to potentially protect any future or current clients of hers).
Ack, sorry, this situation is way too complex to go into, esp if my history with her is previously unexplained.
Anyway, just some thoughts off my head...
Thanks again Dinah.
-SV> Maybe you should stop trying so hard to let go but rather sift through your experience for those moments that mean so much to you. Rarely do we encounter someone who calls up so many intense feelings. Your old therapist had something that touched you, and something you needed. Even though your new therapist is "easier" in some ways, the passion and depth of your feelings for the first one can't just be dismissed as "bad" for you. She awoke a deep need, a need that was painful and all consuming. It isn't always comfortable, but knowing you have the capacity to feel so deeply is actually a gift.
>
> I think if you can reframe your experience as a bitter-sweet one, you will be able to put it behind you, in that pile of memories we sort through and learn from. Writing the letter might help. Mailing it almost certainly won't. Because that isn't closure, it is reopening the door.
>
> I feel for you. I hope you can talk it through in therapy.
Posted by joslynn on January 16, 2007, at 10:14:10
In reply to how do i let go, posted by shrinking violet on January 15, 2007, at 18:53:59
Hmm, well, a question to ask yourself is, if you sent the letter, would you have expectations of a response? Would you expect an apology, a short note back, or, would you be ok with no response?
If part of you deep down inside wants some sort of response to the letter, then I think sending the letter and not getting an answer could reawaken longing and feelings of rejection. But only you really know what your expectations are of her, if anything. You have to examine your heart.
Posted by shrinking violet on January 16, 2007, at 10:20:20
In reply to Re: how do i let go, posted by joslynn on January 16, 2007, at 10:14:10
Hi,
Thanks for your response.Yes, I've been searching myself for those answers as well. I think that's why I took so long to even think of beginning this letter (it's been almost 2 yrs now since I've terminated with the former T), because I wanted to wait to see if my feelings changed with time, and to be more objective. I don't want to send the letter with any expectation of hearing from her at all. I don't think I do: I think, for me, "getting it all out", so-to-speak, and knowing I've said my peace to her, would give me some closure and allow me to go on. Theoretically. I guess maybe I should write the letter first, see if the actual process brings about any new feelings, and/or see how I feel about the finished product before I decide any further action.
I just hate that I feel I need to do this. I really want to let it go and move on, rather than waste any more of my time and emotion on this.
Thanks for the reply.
-sv
> Hmm, well, a question to ask yourself is, if you sent the letter, would you have expectations of a response? Would you expect an apology, a short note back, or, would you be ok with no response?
>
> If part of you deep down inside wants some sort of response to the letter, then I think sending the letter and not getting an answer could reawaken longing and feelings of rejection. But only you really know what your expectations are of her, if anything. You have to examine your heart.
>
>
>
>
Posted by one woman cine on January 16, 2007, at 10:50:44
In reply to how do i let go, posted by shrinking violet on January 15, 2007, at 18:53:59
I had a rough time with a former T who had no boundaries and had abused her postion. I understand what you are going through. Having said that - I was told (although I wanted validation from her that she had "done me wrong") that to cotact her would just be seen by her (and others) as an act of perseveration - meaning although the relationship was long over - I would be seen in a psychopathological way of not being able to let go. It was tough but I never did contact her again.
& it's true, time does heal all wounds - or at least lessens it. I hope you are able to process this, without any further pain.
Posted by Orchid on January 16, 2007, at 13:48:43
In reply to how do i let go, posted by shrinking violet on January 15, 2007, at 18:53:59
Maybe just accepting that you will not have answers to all your questions about her behaviour would help? Just a thought. Also I think you shouldn't strive to get her out of your mind constantly. That would only have the exact opposite result. Just accept that you cared about her, and she didn't do full justice to you for whatever reason, and she isn't great enough to explain it to you - again for whatever reason. And focus your mind on other things instead of trying to think about it again and again and trying to figure it out. And gradually your mind would be so distracted with other things, that this will become a non issue.
The only way to overcome any problem in life is to focus on other things in a productive way. Of course some amount of problem solving analysis is good, but beyond a point, if there are no answers, then simply diverting your mind is the best strategy. And we really cannot solve all our problems in life. It will keep coming in one way or the other, we just deal with it as best as we know, and then just accept the other unsolvable ones and focus on things that we can actually solve and get happiness out of.
Take care, and remember in the grand scheme of things in your life, your former T is almost insignificant. Granted she helped you and you feel grateful to that, but it ends there. Give yourself permission to move on and not hang on to her.
Posted by happykat on January 16, 2007, at 15:09:15
In reply to how do i let go, posted by shrinking violet on January 15, 2007, at 18:53:59
hi shrinking violet,
Quite a dilemna. I think it's really important that you vent. That you get whatever it is that you're still holding onto, out of your system. Since the new T is affliated with the old I understand your dilemna in not being able to talk it out with her.
I think what I would do is definitely write out a letter and put it away. Wait a week and write out another letter and put it away. I'd do this at least 3 or 4 times. At the end of the month pull them all out, read through them and if you still feel you need to mail a copy then do so. But with the understanding and expectation that you will probably never get a reply.
I have found that oftentimes just the act of writing out a letter is enough to help me let go of things. If it doesn't and you have written 3-4 letters I can almost guarantee that you'll find that there are important things in the 2,3 and 4th letter that were left out of the first. So in the end if you do send it you'll have a more comprehensive probably less bitter letter. Just a thought. Of course, I've given people letters and ended up regretting it, so this is my failsafe way of keeping myself from doing it again.
If you want to vent and don't want to do it on the boards feel free to babblemail me.
Good Luck with everything.
Regards,
happykat :)
Posted by toetapper on January 16, 2007, at 16:36:01
In reply to Re: how do i let go » shrinking violet, posted by Orchid on January 16, 2007, at 13:48:43
Hi,
I am sort of going through the same thing right now, less time though, it's been about a year since my shrink dumped me. It's hard. I can tell you two things that have really worked for me. First, I have been having "sessions" with him on a minutely/hourly/daily/weekly/monthly basis for the past year, in my head, and have found my relationship with him vastly improved without his participation. I get to say everything I want to say, I'm way more honest with myself, and I find I don't want or even need his reply/affirmation/knowledge, etc anymore. I have come to some amazing awarenesses and conclusions about myself and my motivations that I would have NEVER been able to be truthful about with him. I was doing some heavy censoring toward the end. The second thing is I DID write it all down, it has taken me nearly a year, I do it every day. I have a large collection of poems, dreams, faxes, puzzles (but nowhere near the fabulousness of pdoc mix-n-match question and answer !! : -) pictures, you name it. It is only for me, and it has been very therapeutic.
I'm sorry you're going through it too...
Posted by happykat on January 16, 2007, at 17:07:50
In reply to Re: how do i let go, posted by toetapper on January 16, 2007, at 16:36:01
toetapper,
I absolutely love that you do sessions with your t in your head without his participation with better results. I am definitely stealing this idea from you! :) I sometimes feel my t gets in the way of my therapy too. They can be useful but sometimes cumbersome and expensive too.
Regards,
happykat :)
Posted by one woman cine on January 18, 2007, at 16:29:06
In reply to Re: how do i let go » joslynn, posted by shrinking violet on January 16, 2007, at 10:20:20
Have you made a decision about writing a letter? I hope you are in a better place about this.
Posted by shrinking violet on January 18, 2007, at 17:51:09
In reply to SV..., posted by one woman cine on January 18, 2007, at 16:29:06
Hi,
I'm still not sure. I think I'll probably try to write the letter, and then decide what to do. Perhaps I'll feel like I won't need to send it, or, if I do...well, I don't know. I'll just try writing it first; for some reason I keep putting it off.
Thank you,
sv> Have you made a decision about writing a letter? I hope you are in a better place about this.
This is the end of the thread.
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