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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 6:08:30
In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40
What do you do on a daily basis?
- Scott
Posted by bulldog2 on August 10, 2009, at 10:05:51
In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40
> This isn't a threat and I don't plan on doing anything in the near future, but I have been thinking about it a lot.
>
> Back in June I had a plan. I had booked a hotel room and was going to OD on pills that I ordered over the internet. For some reason I ended up calling the Crisis Centre. I ended up there and then off to the hospital for a month.
>
> Today I was working on my suicide note. Suicide notes are so stupid. How can a note explain such an action.
>
> Right now I want to die. I've had enough. I think about it all the time. I don't think I am going to make it to my birthday in December.
>
> I wish I could find some purpose.
>Whenever I feel really bad it's because I feel a total lack of hope. But then I realize there's always something else to try.
This forum may not be the best place to find hope. You have a lot of med failures in here and of course the meds don't work bunch who can be very vocal.
Find a meds do work forum. I believe there's a cocktail out there for everyone persistant enough to keep looking.
Just keep looking!
Posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 13:11:37
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide » maxime, posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 6:08:30
> What do you do on a daily basis?
>
>
> - ScottI look for work.
I work on my research paper for my PhD application.
I go for a walk
and some days I do none of the above and just stay in bed.
Posted by uncouth on August 10, 2009, at 14:55:47
In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40
I just want to tell you that you are not alone. In the last 4 days, I have rapid-cycled to a similarly suicidal depression. It is as bad if not worse as things were during my ECT 4 months go. This time, it came on so quickly and with such strength that I could barely defend against it, and I am still walking around with the feeling that suicide is inevitable for me, it's just a matter of when. This time, I even think, well, I don't even want to get better now, for when i'm better, I'll have no excuse for my failures to act and lead a productive, fulfilling existance. Suicide becomes the default, and the easy way out. Just THINKING about suicide perversely relieves some existential anxiety.
Scott thank you for your msg, I have always appreciated your posts and I am sorry to hear you are not doing well, too.
I myself am spending most of my day in bed. I am also dealing with the school applications / job hunting process, so I understand how hard that is without a cooperating mind.
Currently on (but set up an emergency pdoc meeting for tomorrow with an intention to change meds):
Strattera 80mg
Luvox CR 200mg
Geodon 120mg
Lithium 200mg
Deplin 7.5mgwould like to try Scotts combo or something similar. Again, the number of combinations of meds is immense, so although it may not seem to help, and although it doesn't change that deep seated, perverse DESIRE to stay unhappy, there IS logically ALWAYS hope.
It takes an unbelievable amount of courage to lean on that hope, I know.
-uncouth
Posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 15:31:08
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide » maxime, posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 6:07:29
>I myself am spending most of my day in bed. I am also dealing with the school applications / job hunting process,
You people amaze me, being able to do anything, well maybe only just able....
Posted by uncouth on August 10, 2009, at 15:41:03
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 15:31:08
spending an hour studying for the gmat and 5 minutes poking around on job websites isn't exactly amazing in my book, when you spend the rest of the waking day staring at the ceiling and braindead. to think, i used to spend 10 hours at work, a biG fancy internet company job...although productivity was very low due to the depression and i eventually left.
Posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 16:08:32
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 15:31:08
> You people amaze me, being able to do anything, well maybe only just able....I amaze myself with the things that I am able to do. The only thing is, it's a fraction of what I used to be able to do. And it doesn't help when I tell my pdoc what I do because then he thinks that I am just fine. It's hard.
Posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 16:32:28
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 16:08:32
>
> > You people amaze me, being able to do anything, well maybe only just able....
>
> I amaze myself with the things that I am able to do. The only thing is, it's a fraction of what I used to be able to do. And it doesn't help when I tell my pdoc what I do because then he thinks that I am just fine. It's hard.
I understand this very well. I have always presented better than I actually felt or functioned. I speak too well and PUSH very hard to accomplish things. It creates confusion and a disbelief that things are as bad as I describe. Because of this, people expect too much of me and argue that I can do more than I think I can. It is denigrating.
- Scott
Posted by ColoradoSnowflake on August 10, 2009, at 16:54:42
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 16:32:28
Ditto ditto ditto
Those are my exact same thoughts and words.
And sometimes I feel I absolutely can't PERFORM
(as in actor/actress) anymore. But then I do.No one else understands except those of us who live it.
Thanks Scott
gayle
Posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 18:42:10
In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40
Thanks to everyone who replied. It made me feel less alone.
The thoughts are strong and still there, but I guess I will just have to deal with them.
Thanks again.
Posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 20:05:46
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 16:32:28
>I understand this very well. I have always presented better than I actually felt or functioned. I speak too well and PUSH very hard to accomplish things. It creates confusion and a disbelief that things are as bad as I describe. Because of this, people expect too much of me and argue that I can do more than I think I can. It is denigrating.
That has always been my problem going to the psych. I feel alright in there with something to occupy me, and I'm at a loss to explain how I feel at other times.
Posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2009, at 0:36:35
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 18:42:10
Maxime you know seems that's the problem we're all great actors out in the world. Do you ever wonder I do how many of the people we see look so happy if they are or are just acting? Anyone really happy? I used to be. Love Phillipa
Posted by Maxime on August 11, 2009, at 18:26:20
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide » Maxime, posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2009, at 0:36:35
Back in December I ordered some meds to OD on. They never arrived so I ordered with another company. Today, the pills from the first company finally arrived. I feel like it's a sign to OD.
I'm miserable.
Posted by SLS on August 11, 2009, at 20:42:11
In reply to a sign, posted by Maxime on August 11, 2009, at 18:26:20
> Back in December I ordered some meds to OD on. They never arrived so I ordered with another company. Today, the pills from the first company finally arrived. I feel like it's a sign to OD.
When you believe in things that you don't understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain't the way- Stevie Wonder
Hang in there. Synchronicity can make you believe anything if you look for associations.
> I'm miserable.Sorry. You have suffered far too long. However, I encourage you to keep trying to put a life together for yourself.
- Scott
Posted by uncouth on August 11, 2009, at 22:13:23
In reply to Re: a sign, posted by SLS on August 11, 2009, at 20:42:11
Maxime,
I know the feeling like it's a sign. You and I are in similar states right now. Feel free to babblemail.
Yesterday, as if this terrible, suicidal cloud which came over me last week wasn't bad enough, I saw the girl who broke my heart driving on the street. She doesn't even live in town anymore, was just home visiting. OF all things that could have happened to me at that point in time, seeing her was probably the one worst possble thing. It was like God was playing a joke on me, and my suicide was going to be the punchline.
Stay strong, if only for me. I need you to not give up.
Just got back from my pdoc and therapy appointments. On a new drug I hadn't heard of before, Aplenzin, a new form of wellbutin. Doctor wants to try higher than normal doses evntually.
Like scott said, there is always logical hope. Stay away from superstition though it's so easy to be tempted.
Posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2009, at 23:14:10
In reply to a sign, posted by Maxime on August 11, 2009, at 18:26:20
Maxie talk about a sign this evening I helped deliver my granddaughter in the hospital. Baby Grace named after my Mother who dies when I was l7 was born at 6:38 and weighed 7 lb 2 oz. I was next to the doc and watched her crown and pop out all pink and crying and glad to be alive. So to me this is something would have never wittnessed if I Hadn't been here. And I thought I always brought bad luck? So my point is you don't know what's around the corner could be good. Write anytime. I have pics going on facebook. I never would have believed I could assist in L & D. I surprised myself. You will also you will get well. Love Phillipa
Posted by ceres on August 15, 2009, at 6:56:23
In reply to a sign, posted by Maxime on August 11, 2009, at 18:26:20
Maxime, Can you kill the pills, exert yourself stomping on them & then flush the remains?
I'm in that sad place too, desiring an end & don't have any sincere thoughts about hope now. In your case, having gotten so far in school & perhaps having dependents, I hope you decide to make it through each day & that a positive change is ahead.
Pills are not a good option. Long ago, I vomited an overdose & felt sick & defeated. I figured out how that failed, but would not opt for pills again. I have vague memories of reading Madame Bovary & her toxic brew suicide is some aversion.
If somehow, one were discovered & rushed to the ER, there's no guarantee about the state of one's organs or possible brain damage. Plus there's more trauma, as EMT's & ER doctors are not often nice to people who've caused their own bodily destruction.And I remind myself that it's too much long-term trauma for my family & friends and anyone who will make the discovery.
Plus, if we commit suicide, it lowers the threshold for suicides within our families. In my case, someone beat me to it & another such might push a vulnerable member over the edge.And, despite the above rants, I spend a lot of time changing & refining plans, trying to find a lower impact death.
Maybe thinking of a better way to go might relieve your mind a bit, but you can put off acting on it?
I hope you keep going & that the pain eases.
Posted by Maxime on August 15, 2009, at 12:44:43
In reply to Re: a sign, posted by ceres on August 15, 2009, at 6:56:23
Thank you for such a thoughtful post. Unfortunately, I cannot destroy the pills. I NEED to have them around me so that I know that I have a way out. Over a year ago I OD'd on Nortriptaline and Thorazine. I ended up in the hospital and went into cardiac arrest. I was on a ventilator for several days. So now I know that that combination will work. Knowledge isn't always a good thing is it.
I'm thinking less about suicide now and thinking more about trying new meds. I am holding on until I see my doctor on the 24th.
Thanks again.
Posted by Maxime on August 16, 2009, at 22:11:19
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 20:05:46
I really hope I die in my sleep tonight. If I ever fall asleep that is.
I'm not in a good place right now.
Posted by ceres on August 17, 2009, at 2:53:05
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Maxime on August 16, 2009, at 22:11:19
Maxime,
I'm sorry about the pain you're enduring. And I hope you fall asleep soon, to give you temporary relief.
Your depression is keeping you from seeing how much good is likely ahead.
Maxime, you sound like a smart, competent & productive person. So if the missing ingredient is to fix your mood, that's worth doing.
Would it be useful to ask your doctor for something to temporarily numb you out a bit so you can sleep away some of the day until your new meds kick in? Or use exhausting exercise or labor to block some pain? Could you focus on movies or lie down & close your eyes to books on tape? --Numbing &/or attempts at Distraction
I hope you find moments of peace tonight & that you can safely fall asleep soon.
You are in my thoughts. Ceres
Posted by SLS on August 17, 2009, at 5:53:26
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Maxime on August 16, 2009, at 22:11:19
> I really hope I die in my sleep tonight. If I ever fall asleep that is.
>
> I'm not in a good place right now.
It might be a little too early to be certain about your being doomed to be depressed for the rest of your life. Your brain has shown that it can be normalized for an extended period. It is just a matter of time before you find the right treatment to force it to function properly again.Are there any responsibilities that you can set aside temporarily? If not, then please remember that you are working with a handicap, and don't beat up on yourself unmercifully.
Also, remember that severe depression is timeless. It has no beginning and no end when you are in the midst of it. This sensation of timelessness begins from the very first day. This is one aspect of depression that allows people choose to exit life, even though they haven't been depressed for very long. It feels like forever.
I have some idea as to what it is like to feel hopeless. Do you feel hopeless right now? If not, then what thoughts are fueling the suicidality? Maybe there are no thoughts at all except for the sense of being overwhelmed by everything. Nothing is right. Everything is wrong. The depression itself might be acting as a substrate for a neurobiological suicidal state that would be there regardless of what you are thinking. This usually occurs in tandem with anxiety or anger.
Logically, you still have treatment alternatives that you have not yet explored. I think it is a bit premature to declare yourself as being doomed.
It is difficult to find the right words to comfort someone who is suicidal. There is a fear of saying the wrong thing that might push the depressed person closer to acting. I hope I have not made things worse.
You'll be alright.
- Scott
Posted by Maxime on August 17, 2009, at 10:01:47
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by ceres on August 17, 2009, at 2:53:05
Thank you for your kind words. I have a lot of trouble sleeping which makes everything worse. I've tried a lot of meds for sleep and not much seems to help. I highly doubt that my pdoc would give me a barbituate to sleep which is what I think I need.
I try to do things ... go to the movies etc. Sometimes I spend an hour on the bus to get to the cinema and then once I am there I cannot force myself in to go and see the movie. I get really anxious or something, I don't know.
The strange thing is that I am working on a reseach paper for my PhD application. I am able to force myself to do that. And it's weird that I on the one hand, I am planning to do my PhD, and on the other hand, I am busy writing suicide notes and obituaries. How can the two co-exist?
Posted by Maxime on August 17, 2009, at 10:05:40
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide » Maxime, posted by SLS on August 17, 2009, at 5:53:26
Scott, thank you for your post. I do feel hopeless. I think that is what I feel the most. I know that meds have helped temporarily in the past, but I am so tired of things working briefly and then stopping. And not that much has worked either. I have been suffering since my teens and I am 40 now, so that's a lot of depression.
Also, I have life stressors that are not helping the situation. If I could remove them, I would be doing a bit better.
Feeling hopeless sums it up for me.
Posted by uncouth on August 17, 2009, at 10:09:54
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide » Maxime, posted by SLS on August 17, 2009, at 5:53:26
Scott I just want to thank you for your posts to this thread again. It seems (unsurprisingly) there are a few of us in this state of torment right now and your understanding words give me at least something to lean on. Push push push...
Posted by atypical on August 17, 2009, at 10:45:28
In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide » ceres, posted by Maxime on August 17, 2009, at 10:01:47
> The strange thing is that I am working on a reseach paper for my PhD application. I am able to force myself to do that. And it's weird that I on the one hand, I am planning to do my PhD, and on the other hand, I am busy writing suicide notes and obituaries. How can the two co-exist?
Oh, please believe me when I tell you I understand completely! I can go to parties and have conversations and go work and be very depressed inside. I think that the stereotype of depression really needs to be changed. It doesn't mean that we are bedridden or sitting on the couch watching TV all day. Many of us are functioning, but not necessarily at a high level. Some of us are indeed functioning at a high level intellectually, which perhaps makes us forget about the depression or something.
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