Posted by uncouth on August 10, 2009, at 14:55:47
In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40
I just want to tell you that you are not alone. In the last 4 days, I have rapid-cycled to a similarly suicidal depression. It is as bad if not worse as things were during my ECT 4 months go. This time, it came on so quickly and with such strength that I could barely defend against it, and I am still walking around with the feeling that suicide is inevitable for me, it's just a matter of when. This time, I even think, well, I don't even want to get better now, for when i'm better, I'll have no excuse for my failures to act and lead a productive, fulfilling existance. Suicide becomes the default, and the easy way out. Just THINKING about suicide perversely relieves some existential anxiety.
Scott thank you for your msg, I have always appreciated your posts and I am sorry to hear you are not doing well, too.
I myself am spending most of my day in bed. I am also dealing with the school applications / job hunting process, so I understand how hard that is without a cooperating mind.
Currently on (but set up an emergency pdoc meeting for tomorrow with an intention to change meds):
Luvox CR 200mg
would like to try Scotts combo or something similar. Again, the number of combinations of meds is immense, so although it may not seem to help, and although it doesn't change that deep seated, perverse DESIRE to stay unhappy, there IS logically ALWAYS hope.
It takes an unbelievable amount of courage to lean on that hope, I know.