Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 911201

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 46. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Thinking about suicide

Posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40

This isn't a threat and I don't plan on doing anything in the near future, but I have been thinking about it a lot.

Back in June I had a plan. I had booked a hotel room and was going to OD on pills that I ordered over the internet. For some reason I ended up calling the Crisis Centre. I ended up there and then off to the hospital for a month.

Today I was working on my suicide note. Suicide notes are so stupid. How can a note explain such an action.

Right now I want to die. I've had enough. I think about it all the time. I don't think I am going to make it to my birthday in December.

I wish I could find some purpose.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by gibbons482 on August 9, 2009, at 19:31:48

In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40

I know the pain that can lead to thinking about suicide, but please don't kill yourself. Call your doctor or a crisis line.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by Rdragon on August 9, 2009, at 20:44:03

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by gibbons482 on August 9, 2009, at 19:31:48

> I know the pain that can lead to thinking about suicide, but please don't kill yourself. Call your doctor or a crisis line.

I agree with gibbons, it's just not worth it. Think of the pain you would be causing those around you. How old are you?

You should keep adjusting your medications until you finally do FEEL better. This won't last forever, trust me.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by ColoradoSnowflake on August 9, 2009, at 23:44:14

In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40

Maxime:

I'm so sorry you are feeling so terribly bad. I have been in that place a lot and it's indescribeably painful.
When you used the words "I've had enough" that is exactly how I feel.
So then I start telling myself how much pain I would inflict on my grown children and others who care about me. What a role model. and I don't want to put the kind of pain I have on anyone else.
Please get some help. You CAN feel better.
You just made me happy and my life a little richer by posting my old pdocs name! and with that great information you provided us!

Keep posting.
Hugs,
gayle

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 1:13:38

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Rdragon on August 9, 2009, at 20:44:03

>You should keep adjusting your medications until you finally do FEEL better. This won't last forever, trust me.

Truly, I wish it was that easy.

Maxie
I'm going to read Beckett. That's the best I can do. Found at random on the Beckett quotes site

>Let me go to hell, that's all I ask, and go on cursing them there, and them look down and hear me, that might take some of the shine off their bliss.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 1:18:14

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 1:13:38

>No, I regret nothing, all I regret is having been born, dying is such a long tiresome business I always found.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide maxime

Posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 6:07:29

In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40

Hi Maxime.

I have the utmost respect for you, and I like you very much.

You know that I am writing this because I would prefer that you not end your life. If I could somehow convince you to persevere, that would be my goal. The only thing is, I can't guarantee that things will get better for you, just as I can't make that guarantee to myself. Lithium is pooping-out on me, and I have run out of ideas. At the moment, I am trying to justify pushing. I am always pushing, pushing, pushing. It is fatiguing and demoralizing. I get despondent, too. More rarely, I get very depressed about being so depressed without respite and without hope for my future. So now, what do we do with that?

I do very well when I have sighted hope. That is to say, that as long as I can conceive of an alternate treatment that I have never tried before, logically, there is hope. Then, there is the blind hope that exists in the absence of logical hope. This is the hope that lies in uncertainty. One cannot be certain that things will not get better. This is the hope that helps me get past hopelessness.

Outlook. This is the bottom line when it comes to a rationale to commit suicide. If you are hopeless, and you have deliberated your situation with a sound mind, then your outlook is one of certain doom. It becomes an act of autoeuthanasia. If, however, you maintain an outlook that there is no certainty of doom, suicide becomes less logical. Some, like me, will argue that this uncertainty extends to a belief in an afterlife. Here, I base my decisions on uncertainty. I must therefore choose my actions on the premise that there is no afterlife. Termination for me means oblivion. It is the permanent end of my consciousness. I guess I am not ready for me to end yet.

I imagine that what I wrote here can make you either more suicidal or less suicidal. I hope it is the latter. I do believe in autoeuthanasia, but I do not believe that it is time for you to exercise that option just yet. I do not believe that, if you were to commit to making the most of each moment with what little God has given you to work with, you would not find some reward to continuing your life. That, of course, is just a guess. I don't really know you or what you are experiencing. You do function well enough to read, write, interact, and contribute. There are people that can do none of those things and are rendered motionless and mute. I know something about this. Still, to know this does not make your situation any less severe. It does, however, give you some choices, though.

You and I are probably similar in that we cannot find a legitimate reason for why we continue to live with an illness that requires us to withstand so much frustration and pain. It doesn't make sense. Yet, here we are. There is something inside of us that won't allow us to give up. Perhaps this is a curse. If so, then I thank God this curse.


Currently:

Parnate 80mg
nortriptyline 150mg
Lamictal 200mg
Abilify 20mg
lithium 900 (as of today)


Logic dictates that if you have not tried this exact combination, then you cannot be certain that you are doomed. Besides, agomelatine and vilazodone are just around the corner. Hope lies there. For every drug that becomes available, a certain percentage of previously refractory patients will go on to respond to them. I apologize for giving you sighted hope here. Of course, that was one of my goals.


* I don't have the mental energy to proofread this, so tough crap.

:-)


- Scott

 

Re: Thinking about suicide maxime

Posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 6:08:30

In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40

What do you do on a daily basis?


- Scott

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by bulldog2 on August 10, 2009, at 10:05:51

In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40

> This isn't a threat and I don't plan on doing anything in the near future, but I have been thinking about it a lot.
>
> Back in June I had a plan. I had booked a hotel room and was going to OD on pills that I ordered over the internet. For some reason I ended up calling the Crisis Centre. I ended up there and then off to the hospital for a month.
>
> Today I was working on my suicide note. Suicide notes are so stupid. How can a note explain such an action.
>
> Right now I want to die. I've had enough. I think about it all the time. I don't think I am going to make it to my birthday in December.
>
> I wish I could find some purpose.
>

Whenever I feel really bad it's because I feel a total lack of hope. But then I realize there's always something else to try.

This forum may not be the best place to find hope. You have a lot of med failures in here and of course the meds don't work bunch who can be very vocal.

Find a meds do work forum. I believe there's a cocktail out there for everyone persistant enough to keep looking.

Just keep looking!

 

Re: Thinking about suicide SLS

Posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 13:11:37

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide maxime, posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 6:08:30

> What do you do on a daily basis?
>
>
> - Scott

I look for work.
I work on my research paper for my PhD application.
I go for a walk
and some days I do none of the above and just stay in bed.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by uncouth on August 10, 2009, at 14:55:47

In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40

I just want to tell you that you are not alone. In the last 4 days, I have rapid-cycled to a similarly suicidal depression. It is as bad if not worse as things were during my ECT 4 months go. This time, it came on so quickly and with such strength that I could barely defend against it, and I am still walking around with the feeling that suicide is inevitable for me, it's just a matter of when. This time, I even think, well, I don't even want to get better now, for when i'm better, I'll have no excuse for my failures to act and lead a productive, fulfilling existance. Suicide becomes the default, and the easy way out. Just THINKING about suicide perversely relieves some existential anxiety.

Scott thank you for your msg, I have always appreciated your posts and I am sorry to hear you are not doing well, too.

I myself am spending most of my day in bed. I am also dealing with the school applications / job hunting process, so I understand how hard that is without a cooperating mind.

Currently on (but set up an emergency pdoc meeting for tomorrow with an intention to change meds):

Strattera 80mg
Luvox CR 200mg
Geodon 120mg
Lithium 200mg
Deplin 7.5mg

would like to try Scotts combo or something similar. Again, the number of combinations of meds is immense, so although it may not seem to help, and although it doesn't change that deep seated, perverse DESIRE to stay unhappy, there IS logically ALWAYS hope.

It takes an unbelievable amount of courage to lean on that hope, I know.

-uncouth

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 15:31:08

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide maxime, posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 6:07:29

>I myself am spending most of my day in bed. I am also dealing with the school applications / job hunting process,

You people amaze me, being able to do anything, well maybe only just able....

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by uncouth on August 10, 2009, at 15:41:03

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 15:31:08

spending an hour studying for the gmat and 5 minutes poking around on job websites isn't exactly amazing in my book, when you spend the rest of the waking day staring at the ceiling and braindead. to think, i used to spend 10 hours at work, a biG fancy internet company job...although productivity was very low due to the depression and i eventually left.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 16:08:32

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 15:31:08


> You people amaze me, being able to do anything, well maybe only just able....

I amaze myself with the things that I am able to do. The only thing is, it's a fraction of what I used to be able to do. And it doesn't help when I tell my pdoc what I do because then he thinks that I am just fine. It's hard.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 16:32:28

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 16:08:32

>
> > You people amaze me, being able to do anything, well maybe only just able....
>
> I amaze myself with the things that I am able to do. The only thing is, it's a fraction of what I used to be able to do. And it doesn't help when I tell my pdoc what I do because then he thinks that I am just fine. It's hard.


I understand this very well. I have always presented better than I actually felt or functioned. I speak too well and PUSH very hard to accomplish things. It creates confusion and a disbelief that things are as bad as I describe. Because of this, people expect too much of me and argue that I can do more than I think I can. It is denigrating.


- Scott

 

Re: Thinking about suicide SLS

Posted by ColoradoSnowflake on August 10, 2009, at 16:54:42

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 16:32:28

Ditto ditto ditto

Those are my exact same thoughts and words.

And sometimes I feel I absolutely can't PERFORM
(as in actor/actress) anymore. But then I do.

No one else understands except those of us who live it.

Thanks Scott

gayle

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 18:42:10

In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40

Thanks to everyone who replied. It made me feel less alone.

The thoughts are strong and still there, but I guess I will just have to deal with them.

Thanks again.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 20:05:46

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 16:32:28

>I understand this very well. I have always presented better than I actually felt or functioned. I speak too well and PUSH very hard to accomplish things. It creates confusion and a disbelief that things are as bad as I describe. Because of this, people expect too much of me and argue that I can do more than I think I can. It is denigrating.

That has always been my problem going to the psych. I feel alright in there with something to occupy me, and I'm at a loss to explain how I feel at other times.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide Maxime

Posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2009, at 0:36:35

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 18:42:10

Maxime you know seems that's the problem we're all great actors out in the world. Do you ever wonder I do how many of the people we see look so happy if they are or are just acting? Anyone really happy? I used to be. Love Phillipa

 

a sign

Posted by Maxime on August 11, 2009, at 18:26:20

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide Maxime, posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2009, at 0:36:35

Back in December I ordered some meds to OD on. They never arrived so I ordered with another company. Today, the pills from the first company finally arrived. I feel like it's a sign to OD.

I'm miserable.

 

Re: a sign

Posted by SLS on August 11, 2009, at 20:42:11

In reply to a sign, posted by Maxime on August 11, 2009, at 18:26:20

> Back in December I ordered some meds to OD on. They never arrived so I ordered with another company. Today, the pills from the first company finally arrived. I feel like it's a sign to OD.

When you believe in things that you don't understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain't the way

- Stevie Wonder

Hang in there. Synchronicity can make you believe anything if you look for associations.


> I'm miserable.

Sorry. You have suffered far too long. However, I encourage you to keep trying to put a life together for yourself.


- Scott

 

Re: a sign

Posted by uncouth on August 11, 2009, at 22:13:23

In reply to Re: a sign, posted by SLS on August 11, 2009, at 20:42:11

Maxime,

I know the feeling like it's a sign. You and I are in similar states right now. Feel free to babblemail.

Yesterday, as if this terrible, suicidal cloud which came over me last week wasn't bad enough, I saw the girl who broke my heart driving on the street. She doesn't even live in town anymore, was just home visiting. OF all things that could have happened to me at that point in time, seeing her was probably the one worst possble thing. It was like God was playing a joke on me, and my suicide was going to be the punchline.

Stay strong, if only for me. I need you to not give up.

Just got back from my pdoc and therapy appointments. On a new drug I hadn't heard of before, Aplenzin, a new form of wellbutin. Doctor wants to try higher than normal doses evntually.

Like scott said, there is always logical hope. Stay away from superstition though it's so easy to be tempted.

 

Re: a sign Maxime

Posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2009, at 23:14:10

In reply to a sign, posted by Maxime on August 11, 2009, at 18:26:20

Maxie talk about a sign this evening I helped deliver my granddaughter in the hospital. Baby Grace named after my Mother who dies when I was l7 was born at 6:38 and weighed 7 lb 2 oz. I was next to the doc and watched her crown and pop out all pink and crying and glad to be alive. So to me this is something would have never wittnessed if I Hadn't been here. And I thought I always brought bad luck? So my point is you don't know what's around the corner could be good. Write anytime. I have pics going on facebook. I never would have believed I could assist in L & D. I surprised myself. You will also you will get well. Love Phillipa

 

Re: a sign

Posted by ceres on August 15, 2009, at 6:56:23

In reply to a sign, posted by Maxime on August 11, 2009, at 18:26:20

Maxime, Can you kill the pills, exert yourself stomping on them & then flush the remains?

I'm in that sad place too, desiring an end & don't have any sincere thoughts about hope now. In your case, having gotten so far in school & perhaps having dependents, I hope you decide to make it through each day & that a positive change is ahead.

Pills are not a good option. Long ago, I vomited an overdose & felt sick & defeated. I figured out how that failed, but would not opt for pills again. I have vague memories of reading Madame Bovary & her toxic brew suicide is some aversion.
If somehow, one were discovered & rushed to the ER, there's no guarantee about the state of one's organs or possible brain damage. Plus there's more trauma, as EMT's & ER doctors are not often nice to people who've caused their own bodily destruction.

And I remind myself that it's too much long-term trauma for my family & friends and anyone who will make the discovery.
Plus, if we commit suicide, it lowers the threshold for suicides within our families. In my case, someone beat me to it & another such might push a vulnerable member over the edge.

And, despite the above rants, I spend a lot of time changing & refining plans, trying to find a lower impact death.
Maybe thinking of a better way to go might relieve your mind a bit, but you can put off acting on it?


I hope you keep going & that the pain eases.

 

Re: a sign ceres

Posted by Maxime on August 15, 2009, at 12:44:43

In reply to Re: a sign, posted by ceres on August 15, 2009, at 6:56:23

Thank you for such a thoughtful post. Unfortunately, I cannot destroy the pills. I NEED to have them around me so that I know that I have a way out. Over a year ago I OD'd on Nortriptaline and Thorazine. I ended up in the hospital and went into cardiac arrest. I was on a ventilator for several days. So now I know that that combination will work. Knowledge isn't always a good thing is it.

I'm thinking less about suicide now and thinking more about trying new meds. I am holding on until I see my doctor on the 24th.

Thanks again.


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