![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 245 to 269 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:46:15
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:39:58
i think i really will see about this affadavit thing... and if i'm not impressed by my lawyers handing of it - then i'll elect to represent myself.
i think... my lawyer wants me to say i'll do an anger management course because it is something she's been taught as a template of reparation for people who have done what i've just pleaded guilty for. the fact that i'm telling her that i don't have an anger problem (i didn't hit her out of anger) is something that her poor brain doens't seem able to compute. i believe... the judges brain is probably up to it, however.
sigh.
i think i can represent myself... if i turn up a bit early and observe procedure... then attempt to imitate it best i can (and say i'm choosing to represent myself) i think... they will help me along / put up with a little bit of protocol whoopsies given the circumstances.
i think... things might go better for me with the judge than my trying to work through a lawyer who has it set in their mind that if i want to help myself (and of course make their job seem easier to them) then i'd simply offer to do an anger management course. because... i don't expect she will put much into her paperwork... and i don't expect the quality to be stellar even if she did, honestly.
anyway... maybe i'm being unfair. i suspect not.
we will see what the affadvait looks like. at least it will give me a templalte.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 10:14:34
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:46:15
I think I failed the physics tests. A lot of the questions are worth two marks, but I think you need the right answer to get any of them. It isn't that you get a mark for a valid general strategy, and a mark for calculation. I think I mostly got the strategy. Not always... Maybe 3/4 of the time. But with inaccurate calculation it is worth precisely what othing. And there it is. There really isn't anything gradewise to distinguish my efforts from the students who complete their homeworks by extracting the answers out of other people. And there it is. So sick of the kiddie pool...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 21:39:07
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 10:14:34
of course i'm not going to end up representing myself... i'm just exhausted. that horrible cranky over-tired. this week really has been the week from hell with all the assessments and lab... then extra stuff with court and the learning needs people... and grading stuff i wasn't meant to start thinking about till next week but got sent some stuff on that so it's started swirling around in there already...
at least i'm not sick. a lot of people are. most people aren't showing up to classes this week... which will only pressure them more with the approach to exam (since stuff this week will surely show for that). i guess i'm fighting off something though... slept early last night (instead of studying). tossed and turned much of the night. still exhausted... biology test tonight. 6.30-8.30 on a Friday just before break. for a 35% test. Bastards. on a lab week, too. Bastards. I'm certainly not as prepared as I should be... Can put in a couple hours now... Then nap for an hour... Then just do the best I can.
Take a benzo tonight so I don't toss and turn all night. Take the weekend off... Grading early next week... Then lots and lots of reading I need to do... Prereading for the second half... Practicing calculations for physics... Last test (that I probably failed) only worth 10%. Guess they know... 60% for the exam... I hope things come together better for me then. Practice... Practice... Practice... I was capable of doing them. They weren't particularly hard. It was just... Freaking out. Freaking out and rushing and stupid errors... Hard after writing a law exam... Glad to have the exam early right after the last test...
Garbeled... Sorry... Exam timetable just went up. Physics test (10%) last day of semester. Then 6 days before physics exam. Then 7 days before biology exam. Then 3 days before law exam. Kinda wish a little more time before law - but I"ll be stuffed by then, honestly. Good to get physics done early - just after the test. When I'm in... Physics mode. Then cramming for bio. Then... Reading for law. She wants more names and dates and section this and maaori phrase that... Which is all fair... But takes time... And while I have been doing the readings I haven't been summarising them quite the way I should be... And, uh, I did them before the semester started, really, in a blitz of a day or two... And refresh a bit as I'm able, but, uh, not well enough, really. I'll get the rest of them done before we start back after break, of course. But that isn't really good enough... I knows... Sigh. Not enough hours...
I am starting to get interested in international law... stuff about infant milk formula and growing vaccines in tobacco plants and so on... baby gammy... disability discrimination... the role of... society... culture... even judges are governed by popular opinion... you don't want a revolution, i guess... how the treaty is being used over here to protect us kiwis from foreign exploitation... how it can be... it is a way of interpreting things... how lawyers / judges have started... but how the public and politicians don't really understand as yet... they still fear it... think that the law is giving more to maaori than to middle class white folk... mmm hmm... in protecting us from being exploited by foreign corporations and from sh*tt*ng too badly in our own nests... anyway... getting more interesting... which might well be for the best... since this whole medicine thing... well... the uni isn't set up to prepare people for the 'hard' courses so much as being happy to take everybodies money... i probably don't have a chance of doing well enough... and even if i did well enough i think the interviewers are more interested in how medicine has been in my family for generations than anything else.. for a position that involves managing teams of allied health professionals so well they don't even know they are being managed. maybe something like law would be better for me... i don't know... i guess i should have a frank conversation with some academic people i know about realistic.... options... that might open up for me were i to pursue that path...
playing happy puppy games with other lawyers / judges clerks / police... doesn't really do it for me, i mean. if that is part of the job description... i'm not sure i could do... would like... i'd probably be more of a judges lawyer but then... i'm sure a lot of people would prefer to do that...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 21:46:33
In reply to Re: exhausted, posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 21:39:07
and i can get a 10th edition of campbell's biology for $300. and i should just do it. just suck it up and do it. because textbooks are... everything to me, really. it really is a wonderful book... with wonderfully vivid diagrams etc... well written... to get lost in that in a focused way... for hours on end... so i develop a mental picture of it's pages... that is the way to do that. and i can't do it with old library books that i don't have good access to... it just isn't the same... i should have done it a bit before... but it was $400 a couple months ago... will probably be too late for animal biology... but will help me a lot with intro to bio next year... and biochemistry... and then with cell biology the year after... it won't date over the next two years... i suppose it's likely to be the nostalga book i'll keep... sigh. seems f*ck*ng insane since i *still* haven't brought new socks after getting shoes. crunchy socks make me unhappy :(
Posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2014, at 17:56:23
In reply to Re: exhausted, posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 21:46:33
lab went better...
but still feels so very vulnerable indeed. with respect to whether they stay good or whether they deteriorate.
i seem to need to draw some kind of firm boundary with my lab partner each session. about her thinking about whether she might have a flat edge somewhere in her bag (e.g., some kind of bank or id card) because her borrowing my ruler to draw 25+ lines in a lab session is going to be a really very serious inconvenience to me... about how i wasn't happy with her copying my title and labels last time, that i'd spent a couple hours preparing for the lab before the lab and that was how i was managing to keep up with the time management aspects of the lab.
it is... exhausting. and i feel pissy because i can't believe that she asks. i know from linehan's whole DBT thing that apparently one shouldn't feel bad for asking / making a request, that the other person can say 'no'. but i don't actually believe that. i think that there are certain requests that are inappropriate. that ask too much. that are perhaps immoral, even (that constitute cheating). that the act of making a request can be a serious imposition on a person... especially those encultured to be helpful and kind and so on... or whatever...
mostly the issue is one of... doing what we are supposed to be doing... without cheating, yeah. we are only supposed to draw what we have seen. so what do you do if you don't see it? you can have a note that you didn't see it... but then what is to stop lazy people saying they didn't see much in the way of anything? how do you grade that? in a class full of people who can't be trusted to... display moral behaviour / integrity... that seems to be what it comes down to.
2nd lab things almost went horribly wrong... we were given slides and were told to draw that and put, like, 15 labels on structures... and the demonstrator put up a tv projection of a slide with those labels (and a bunch more) already put on it. was a bit of a task simply to copy that down and put the appropriate labels in, honestly. not many people got out their microscopes, but i thought one should probably follow instructions... so i spent a good 5 minutes setting up the microscope for viewing etc etc etc... and the slide looked nothing at all like her drawing. so i start to draw what i can see... then when it comes to labeling i have a problem because it looks nothing like her drawing. so i ask her for help... and she starts telling me that what i'm seeing isn't what i'm seeking... that things i've drawn as distinct structures are actually bits of a single structure. that there are edges where i don't see edges... etc etc... that there are problems with artifacts of staining and preparation etc etc... the slide is from, like, 1995... but of course the problem for me is that i simply don't see any of that.
and so of course things are about to go pear shaped.
i just... handed in what i'd done. what i'd drawn from what i'd seen. and i put in labels as best i could... but honestly, i couldn't see inside from outside... i didn't have any f*ck*ng idea of what the hell was going on... a bit unclear from the grading what happened with it. guess i got the good old standby of 'everybody gets a B-' (until we really decide screw you like what happened with chemistry labs)...
last lab...
they said we could choose whether to draw our specimen or whether to copy the picture. and of course everyone elected to copy the picture... then with the fish... different people got different varieties... and apparently mine was most problematic because it was smaller... and it had been frozen and defrosted... which meant that some of the internal structures might have been destroyed. it ended up not having a spleen... and so they told me that i needed to say that - and say *why* i didn't have a sample of that for the grader and so then i wouldn't be penalised. and then later... we got told we weren't allowed to copy the pictures... we had to draw from our own specimins... and i couldn't see the different parts of the heart... but it turned out that there were different parts to what was the same structure. and it turned out that my fish had retractable fins - which i didn't know fish could have. so that was cool. and the structures we couldn't see on most specimens... turned out we could feel by poking at them because we were meant to draw a transverse section showing the bones...
so all that was cool...
and i could relax and enjoy things a bit more...
but then the clean up bins are all labelled 'don't put fish parts in here'! and i simply don't understand... why they didn't have bins labelled 'gloves' and 'paper trays' and 'fish parts' so people knew WHERE to put things instead of just getting stuck... i don't understand...
i'm sure that bio-med labs will go much much much much much better... only... i won't get to do them :( because they stream you... so they put all the bio-med kids together :( so i'm going to have the same f*ck*ng problem next year of the 'physiology' kids (who i've got now) and then the 'health science' kids (lots of chatty kathys hoping to marry a doctor, i bet). sigh.
it will be alright in the end... but it will take me a couple years to get to that...
that is the problem... it isn't like i can just suck it up and i'll get there in the end... the risk is that the lab people simply don't get what the f*ck my problem is... they tell me to quit being a whiny little bitch or whatever (or decide to fail me for - for instance, not copying the picture)... and i start having panic attacks / needing to leave.
i simply don't understand...
i needed to walk out of the physics study room the other day because there was this girl there... she took a photo of someone elses page for their assignment (to copy it down later). her boyfriend AND the extra help tutor were telling her what to write every step of the way for one of the other problems... they were kinda sheepish about it... telling her to put this and that into her calculator... telling her to write this and that down... like they were walking through her work... i simply don't understand why she couldn't do the moral thing of 'you know what, i simply can't do this problem' and leave it f*ck*ng blank.
i don't get it.
but i can't function in an environment where just copying things down *despite instructions to the contrary* or her kinda working *while signing the front page: this assignment is my own work* is... the norm. those kids... will do well enough to make it such that i only come out with some kind of a B-... especially if i keep f*ck*ng up exams from panic and i get no marks for identifying a valid strategy for solving the problem...
anyway... physics... not so much in my future... biology labs... worry me. i know i'll be alright at them eventually... the issue is not having meltdowns about things that *won't be there later anyway* on the path to getting there.
this kind of thing... is hard... because people are inclined to think that i'm a whiny little bitch who needs to be punished.... that i'm smart i'll be okay on my own they need to prioritise the kids who would put their fish parts everywhere all over the f*ck*ng place (and who still did *DESPITE* the way the bins were labelled). sigh.
first year... for another three years. sigh.
but: lab seems to be going generally okay...
uh.. so i can't tell whether / how this might be imaginitus... but i think there might be another 'tutor' present in lab rooms... to help the demonstrator clarify things in helpful ways at various points where i start to get really very agitated about something... so i haven't been having meltdowns. i'm not entirely sure... but i'm just really f*ck*ng happy that labs do seem to be gradually getting better rather than disintegrating into a big heap of sh*t like what happened with chemistry... fingers crossed that things continue on that way...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2014, at 20:11:00
In reply to Re: exhausted, posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2014, at 17:56:23
i do spend quite a bit of time in bed. under the covers. i've never been entirely sure what it was about. it certainly isn't about the cold... i think i've worked it out. it is about the weight. having the weight of them on me. that's how come i've got a heavy wool duvet and a feather one... the feather one isn't enough weight for me to feel properly comfortable.
another thing... i've started to realise i have trouble saying 'goodbye' to people. as in... leaving social situations. i guess i thought it was about my not being properly socialised... and then smoking gave me a reason (and precedence) for sneaking out / off for a bit... anyway... i would always tag my leaving onto another person. so instead of saying goodbye to me they were saying goodbye to the both of us. and i'd just follow that person around while they did their thing of saying goodbye.
i think it is because i don't like the hugs and kisses or whatever. i cringe about it, really. and i don't like to be the focus of the group at any rate. and i'm not good at being patient and listening politely while people finish their current conversation and it seems odd to do that just to say goodbye. then there is this whole thing people do of being about ready to say goodbye then acting like they really don't want to go - the conversation is too interesting or whatever. like they have a kerfuffle about who pays for whatever 'let me get this' 'no, you got it last time - let me get it' and you make a social blunder if you don't protest enough or if you protest too much or whatever... anyway... odd, huh. but that is one of the things that makes socialising too stressful. saying goodbye. weird, huh.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2014, at 20:19:46
In reply to Re: couple realisations, posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2014, at 20:11:00
oh. i got busy with the printer. seemed like the thing to do, really. under the circumstances. and i looked and i looked... and seems that there is a new anatomy and physiology book... but can't find it anywhere... and so i really think... that with some of the grading money i get shortly... i'm going to get that. because the thing to do is internalise the book properly. i looked at it again... and i have studied anatomy and physiology before... at tech... yeah, it was tech, but we actually covered a lot of ground... with an equally good (but different) text... anyway... i see that it is basic stuff, really. one really would need to internalise ALL of it by about the end of ones second year, yeah. nostolga book again... anyway... i think i will get it... looking through it... i AM excited about HAPS... really very. law fades into the background... i'm not entirely sure what to do about next year, honestly. can i cope with another year like this year? perhaps i really should use the summer to internalise the relevant sections of campbell's bio and the haps book and of course... i have some website stuff for organic and the book with problem sets in it.... access to past years chemistry exams... perhaps it really is time to launch myself in...
remembering back to that one day i went to OY1 lectures... and the kids were... different. there were some chatty girls - but most people seemed to be giving them a bit of a wide berth... maybe... maybe it really is the thing to do.
i looked at the medsci website again for HAPS and they have a bunch of stuff up there on learning styles and on how to learn. really very good stuff... i feel... at home there. i am going to. it is going to be okay. it is. maybe it is time. worst case... i need to spend another 2 years getting a degree before applying... i don't suppose that would be so very very bad. that might well be better than another scrappy year... i think it might.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2014, at 23:54:25
In reply to Re: couple realisations, posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2014, at 20:19:46
so the learning lady... the one who (i'm feeling really very bad about thinking that) i didn't click with so very much... has just sent me links to a whole heap of information about the medical program / degree. i don't know how she found it (bet she found the relevant people to ask) because i looked and i looked and i looked...
and there is masses of content, really. including great whopping manuals that the students need to sign that they've read at the start of the year about the structure of the course and requirements and regulations and competencies and so on and so forth...
and it gets me feeling very happy / excited about the whole thing. it was what physio was sorta kinda trying to do (some of them)... clear... and there was a bit about how you they asked you to consider things... about whether you were willing to sign a consent form to act as a model for other students... how the tutors weren't allowed to penalise you if you chose not to.
wow.
i honestly didn't think that would be an option. physio wouldn't consider it (not even on disability grounds). i didn't think it would be an option...
which is precisely what makes it possible for me to do it. perhaps. sometimes. since one doesn't have the power to say yes if one doesn't have the power to say no and make it stick...
couldn't even opt out of it for skin folds for personal training (even when most gyms don't let trainers do the grab the flab test anyway because most clients find it far too invasive).
anyway...
i had just got it into my head to have another scrapy year next year... and now i see... that isn't the thing to do. i see that. really. i do. i need to get the textbooks... internalising them... is everything, really. everything for next year. some safety net on labs... time with the books over summer so i really do internalise them... screw law... i'm sorry... sorry sorry sorry sorry but... i really do want to do medsci. since... always, really. just never thought i could... guess... i'm chosen to try. huh. fingers crossed for me. i'll surely need more than a little bit of luck...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 2, 2014, at 1:21:57
In reply to Re: couple realisations, posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2014, at 23:54:25
quite proud of myself, actually. i've just realised that i actually did get through the week from hell. after my near meltdown of the previous week (losing then finding my wallet etc)... i've only taken 1 benzo... despite planning a couple more of them... sometimes just saying to myself 'i'll take one tonight for some relief' is enough for me to get some relief. i think the idea / thought of them is at least as helpful as their actual product. and... something about knowing that a doc trusted me with prescribing them for me.
and i did some study on monday. learned how important the textbook was... know i got 5+ of the multiguess wrong - know what the answer to those questions is, now...
i have some grading... but a bit of a process to get access to it... getting my account set up and me added to the course... needs to be done by monday... but only 30 papers so could do it in 2 days or 2 and a half... and i have 6 days... or 5 if i need to get a friend to access them for me... it will be okay. grateful for not having them just yet. some playing in the gym... didn't really get to the gym last week...
reading *for fun* seems to be the key. *for enjoyment*. ideally... before bed or something. then i can 'remember' my way through what i've read (the section headers / key concepts / bolded terms / labelled drawings) while i'm going off to sleep... that seems to be how stuff gets down there...
black and white photocopied... stapling it up like a textbook... two page spread... figured how to highlight different sections / key concepts in different colors... helping to distinguish...
*for fun*. having the time... the... relaxation... to play with the concepts in my mind. i think that really is key. you get the obscure little factoids that you'd never have thought to intentionally memorise... that often times do turn up in the tests / exams... and if you have done your reading *for fun* then if you trust your multiguess intuition... your intuition is actually pretty good...
remembering back to psychology as an undergrad... getting all my textbooks for the year... spending a couple months before classes started reading through the textbooks *for fun*. and then... i barely managed to glance at them during the actual semester. not enough time. only really time for reminders.
what will suck most about next year... is having so very many really interesting classes all at once. it is a shame i couldnt' do 2 at a time and really get to focus on them... still... that is a pretty good complaint to have, i suppose.
i feel really awful for printing the book... not all of it... not much of it (given how many chapters there freaking are). if i could actually buy it in this hemisphere i would. but i've tried (and tried and tried and f*ck*ng gone above and beyond with getting the bookshop to look into it and they said they couldn't stock it...) and it is for personal study only. so...
my learning.
that's what it is / what is at stake her.
sorry... but i have an opportunity to learn animal bio now that won't recurr... and i think aspects of it will help me understand people better...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 2, 2014, at 20:31:43
In reply to Re: couple realisations, posted by alexandra_k on September 2, 2014, at 1:21:57
happy, i am.
when i get out of the habit of getting to the gym i forget how happy it makes me feel. the weather is glorious. *this* is the *sub-tropical* climate they advertised this country as being... so happy not to be living in substandard wooden wet and cold accommodation in the slushy snow down south...
has been taking a bit of time to get me access to the grading... even though i got the ball rolling on that first thing monday morning. apparently it will take overnight so i should have access tomorrow. if so... that works out really very perfectly for me, actually. i can do 15 papers per day (in batches of 5 at a time - which is basically 2.5/3 hours for each batch and a LOT of faffing about otherwise)... and i'll need to get cracking on it (no procrastination time!) to get the grades to the lecturer and confirmed as okay (should give her at least two days to do that since it will be her weekend - sorry - that really was non-ideal)... before entering them into moodle... really... if i had access to them on monday... i'd still be procrastinating starting on it... and i'd be feeling guilty as hell... so... i think... ideal, really. ideal.
i need to go fetch some more chapters... i have learned about kidneys. pretty cool. i didn't know anything about the urinary system before. i do enjoy the comparative animal physiology... i'm just less keen on the philogeny stuff.
i have been learning about systems... and about the idea of body plans and key adaptations (e.g., tissues (sponges have cell specialisation only - no tissues) and dorsal hollow nerve cords and amniotic eggs... and about how different critters have different energy budgets... that it takes energy to (for instance) pump solutes against the concentration gradient... anyway... all this stuff is mysterious to the philosopher in me... but it is pretty f*ck*ng cool to get to be learning about them. in a context where they really don't seem mysterious at all...
anyway... i need to go fetch some more chapters. muscle tissue and nerve tissue as tissue that the fungus and plants don't get to have... yippee... memories... from psychology and exercise science... but a different perspective now with a little (teeny) bit of chemistry and physics behind me, now... hmm.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 2, 2014, at 23:01:20
In reply to Re: happy, posted by alexandra_k on September 2, 2014, at 20:31:43
i didn't do so well on the physics test. i passed. for which i am grateful. looks like B- is going to be my friend... I did worse than average. Which is very worrying, actually. This test is only worth 10% so doesn't really matter... But what hope is there that I can do better in the exam????? I am not very good at physics. Sigh. And the problem is... That it is only going to get harder... Optics... There are circles in optics - right? Radians and stuff like that? Hopefully there will be a little revision for thermodynamics? Can but hope.
I didn't do so well in law, either. In fact... Uh... I did worse. She sort of rightly pointed out that I didn't appear to know anything about the case... Uh... I almost didn't sit the exam at all... Since I really didn't have any time to study for it... Plussage for the win?? Rather more surprisingly... She accused me of not answering the question. Hur. I thought I was a master of angle (in that sense)... I guess not... It will be very interesting indeed to see the couple of best ones she's going to pick out, type up, and make accessible. I think... I really don't have much in the way of an idea of what the hell she's looking for... What a law essay is supposed to look like. I mean... Aside from facts about cases. Uh... Maybe only facts about cases? I suppose that would make some kinda sorta sense... I don't really know how to focus on legal aspects... Just kept thinking that I really wasn't much of an historian. Guess I'm not much of a lawyer either. Sigh.
So much for doing really well this year to get my confidence up for next year... I'm just going to have to hope that I fit better with next year...
I need to hold onto that I DID do well in organic... the first test especially. and I did alright in the exam... And I didn't get to revise it at all... And I even did alright in that lab. I found that lab clearer than usual and I could do most of the work before the lab... So... I like the cell biology and I like the physiology... Don't much like all the animals or the phylogenetics... But all this is cool. She'll be right. Yeah?
Posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2014, at 18:00:03
In reply to Re: happy, posted by alexandra_k on September 2, 2014, at 23:01:20
so the wonderful wonderful wonderful learning lady passed on this link for me... and i've been able to view the manuals that the med students are given (and have to sign off they have read) about the med program... and so i spent a few hours last night reading through that...
and things start off mostly okay. the first two years very science focused. they do have a cadaver lab and they also have an imitation clinic, thing. you don't have to act as a model for other students - they won't penalise you if you don't provide your consent. i guess i thought... things mostly seemed okay. and your cadaver died of something and you have to figure out (with your team who is all working on the same one) what that might be... over the course of the year... so that sounds kinda cool, actually.
and then in the third year they transition you a bit to 'real patients'. and i guess that is simply one of those things that they never can totally prepare you for and either you take to it or you... do not. not much transition though, really. you... follow a pregnant woman through till the baby gets born and stuff. as a way of learning about that. infant development. i really liked that, actually. as a way of learning about that. i guess that little kids concern me because i have no experience with them, really. i've never even held a baby. i have no idea how i would feel. i think it would be alright because (this will sound odd and bad)... it would be on my own terms. i would have the power to put it down. i choose to pick it up. it isn't like it grabs at my leg when i'm least expecting it... not for a few more years, at least... there was another special study like that as well... i can't quite remember what it was but it sounded really wonderful, again.
then your fourth year you have a bunch of placements through different areas. and the class gets split off and people get shipped off... that worries me, actually. the idea of being shipped off to who knows where...
the books... the tone of them progressively changes. they are all sort of cuddly almost early on. all... friendly. later on they are all 'you have to do this or else y will happen to you' (e.g., you have to get your *ss to maaori week or else you won't pass the year) or you have to get to y day or else you will be in danger of not passing competency requirements... i guess... attitudes change over the years... and it looks like the attitudes of the student docs becomes progressively 'do i have to?' 'do i have to, really?' and 'but what if i don't?????'
but then noticing things like how you have to work one long day per week... how you have to be on call up to 10pm one day per week. how in your 4th year you get one 1/2 day per week for study. not just individual - but group tutorial activities are chucked into that time... then only 1/2 a day every two weeks in your fifth year... and tutorial activities again... and i see why 'do i have to? i mean, really? what if i don't?' might start to catch on... then something about if the house doc gets sick or goes on leave and you are in your 6th year you can take on their duties for up to three weeks... AND NOT GET PAID BECAUSE IT IS A WONDERFUL LEARNING OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU! mmm hmm... i see...
and there is A LOT about how... you are expected to be proactive about seeing patients. and about holding instruments in a very long operation is probably not the best use of your time. and about how being given after hours access etc etc is a privaledge that you have a glorious learning opportunity 'do I HAVE to match the hours of the house doc???'
oh dear.
the... uh... the areas of med i was most worried about... pediatrics... obgyn... psychiatry, even... are saved up for near the end. year 5 or 6, i forget. guess they are saving them up for increased emotional maturity.
there were various things that reassured me. they were pretty clear on how you were NOT to write prescriptions, sign death certificates, request labs etc etc etc. all these things mean a big whopping safeguard about being dumped with too much responsibility, i think. and so your supervising people can't think you are too much of a pain in the *ss for bothering senior people all the time... because you simply have to. no way around it.
the thing that sticks out as concerning for me is... probably the thing that is most concerning for all. which is a great shame, really. because... it does affect me more, i think. but it also affects us all. and there simply won't be any shortage of people trying to get accommodations for it.
- placement. with respect to sorting out accommodation and transport. especially the case since i don't drive. and i know full well i do not want to go to some rural place where they can clear out the paddock next door and pitch me a tent :(
where i live currently... i'm a 15-20 minute walk from the hospital. so i could be on call from here, i guess. i could get to the hospital in 20 minutes if pushed. any time of the day or night. tauranga or rotorua... buses don't run particularly late. and they only run every 30 minutes or so. so i'd need to... get accommodation very close... or take a cab. or maybe get a bike. or ideally (i suppose) get a f*ck*ng motorbike lisence. since most places require you to use street parking anyway and good luck with that unless it really is middle of the night... or else parking is really expensive...
i'd imagine... the people who are placed in the same place probably pool for big shared houses that are close. it really would... make sense. i... honestly... i don't know how i'd go. i'd imagine... the year would be quite a blur, really. like, uh, summer camp. almost like being in the army or something. i honestly don't know how i would go.
even in auckland... south auckland may as well be a different city, really, with commute times... north shore is pushing it. without a car it is impossible. anyway... everyone is in the same boat, i guess. i think... i think they probably do try and match people a bit... putting people with family or whatever for year 5, at least (since you do get paid - about the same as a phd scholarship for year 6 - and year 5 is pretty full on compared to year 4 with respect to your supposed to take 1/3 the caseload of the team and 'pull your weight' with respect to long days and being on call up to 10pm).
and of course i'll need to accumulate appropriate clothes along the way. they start out 'if you can see up it, down it, or through it, don't wear it'. they end up with 'remember that your professional colleagues and patients are judging you on what you wear' or similar. anyway... they couldn't be clearer: NO jeans. NO trainers. dammit. no yoga tights either, i'm betting. sigh. oh... also no scrubs in outpatient clinics or anywhere outside the hospital. they are very clear: they are NOT a status symbol. which of course means... that all the med students think that they are.
ahaha.
anyway... you can do an honours year after year 3 (before the clinical stuff starts up). this sets you up for if you want to do a phd later. they encourage all that stuff blah de blah. if you decide being a doc is not for you (typically discovered during year 4) you can switch to a science degree with another semester of studying or something like that. so...
so...
i guess supports are hard because you are increasingly... well... short rotations. between 1 and 6 weeks. you don't have a bunch of time to be running off to counsellors or whatever. i guess... i guess i see how the shared house thing really is the way to go. then at least you can ask the people there (when you can catch them) for ideas / help with dealing with that weird doctor or that bitchy nurse or whatever... anyway... i guess i do feel scared about whether it is for me or not... but i do think i would really like to give it a shot, for sure.
i'll... probably get year 5 where i grew up... my mother actually lives within 20 minutes bike of the hospital... even though i'd really much rather not live with her... i guess that is there... and it is a huge hospital. and for things like specialist surgery or A&E it is the place to be... so...
i don't quite understand why they don't have halls for student docs on site... probably because then the nurses will want them and then the physios... and then the tea people and the orderlies will point out that they are doing degrees in hospitality or whatever and they are at the hospital on placement, too... and before you know it... sigh.
anyway...
the weirdest thing was reading about psychiatry placement... there were little blurbs... almost recruitment blurbs... guess they are trying to recruit people year 6. and have them want to stay there for their elective (which you get to elect unless you are made to repeat something that you failed). because we are allowed to go overseas for elective year 6... at our own expense... that might well be worth borrowing for... to get to go someplace... to try and set things up for a decent junior doc position or whatever for year 7... for eventual specialisation.
call me crazy... but i think i'd like to do an honors project on curled / clawed toes. after foot surgery. i wonder if they splint them straight if that would prevent the tendons from shrinking into a clawed position. that might make rehabilitating them later (physio etc) much easier. with respect to walking / balance. of course i know that really one does the honours project that one is told to do... we'll see...
anyway... plenty where that came from if somebody steals it...
i really do want this...
oh... psychiatry placement... where i spent... a couple years of my life, really. as an inpatient. seeing what the 'big wigs' (whom i never met) have to say about things... year 6... you get to diagnose a fake patient (an actor). i diagnose: fictitious disorder. ffs. ffs.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2014, at 16:01:43
In reply to Re: med curriculum, posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2014, at 18:00:03
of course i'd be lying if i said it didn't scare me. i did have a... heavy night. a bit restless. background... stresses...
(is this really something that i want to do?)
on the one hand it seemed possible in a way i didn't think it was before. little bits... like being able to opt out of being a model without penalty. stuff like that. and then bits that made it seem a lot more interesting than i thought it would be. like figuring out what the person died of and following a mother through to after delivery and following the infant for a while to learn about development. and i get to thinking that i REALLY want to do it.
but then... over the years... it DOES get scary. especially for people (like me) without a home base that is... homely... for them. the thought of being shipped about for placements... of losing my safe space... that is scary to me. and i really do have no idea whether my disability will get renewed or not...
and then the hours... reading between the lines... the exhaustion. the... eventual... trying to opt out of everything that one can / that one doesn't absolutely have to do because one is simply exhausted. holding instruments in a long operation is probably some blessed relief from patients etc... i... i don't know why they all seem to want to hide from patients... probably because... it is exhausting. having to present calm and reassurance. and people wanting the whole happy puppy noises thing always... probably it is that. or maybe nurses need you to do this and that and the next thing... and it all involves bothering people who are cranky about being bothered (since you can't sign off on anything yourself).
and i feel exhausted just reading it. which is probably why they don't make this information more widely available.
so...
anyway...
i'm not counting my chickens, i don't think... i do understand that i probably won't get a place... that... well... i simply don't know how i'll do next year. i notice... the website actually says you can apply from a B+ average... of course all the internet people talk about A- averages and higher... but probably nobody wants to stand up and say 'oh, i just squeaked in!' just have to do well enough to get an interview (2x as many as number of places available). that sets the grade cut off. so... depends on who applies, i guess. needing to sit the UMAT during mid semester break (at over $200) is probably sufficient deterrant for the... whimsical...
anyway...
anyway...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2014, at 20:54:08
In reply to Re: med curriculum, posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2014, at 16:01:43
feeling... supported.
like i have a bunch of people on my side.
keyworker person who i'm getting on well with, actually. instead of meeting in her office as we usually do (gets me all in psychotherapy mode, head down, ranting about stuff, upset) we went to a cafe. i used to do that with my old keyworker... from years ago... anyway... it is heaps better for me. i still do use it to bounce ideas off etc... but it stops me from sort of ruminating unhelpfully...
clinic has turned out to be great, actually. have had 2 sort of crisis things, really... with the bugs... and then with the meltdown. and on both of those occasions ALL of the staff were really wonderful. receptionists, nurses, and they did get me in to see the doc when i did need to.
doc has turned out to be pretty great, too. she had a follow up with me, when she needn't have, actually.
and so i feel like all that is okay. tis okay.
and the guy i was dealing with before with the disability support stuff... he is someone who i feel like i can chat to. if i need to. i told him about court... when that happened... because i didn't have anyone to talk to about it (early in the process)... and so i think i could go talk to him if i needed to.
and now the learning people seem to be terrific, too. the one who i don't feel i clicked with as well turned out to have struck an absolute goldmine with passing on all that curriculum info. i'm betting... she could do what i could not with knowing how to get hold of the relevant people and getting information out of them. yay her. and the next meeting in person... is actually with the other one - whom i felt i clicked better with in person.
and so... all this... is helping me relax, rather. i feel... supported.
i'm remembering... there certainly were times in aussie (and so on) when i knew full well i was struggling and i needed help. and i did everything in my power, i mean absolutely every single freaking thing that i knew how to do to get a little help... and i simply could not get the help i needed.
anyway... i'm starting to feel like things are different now. things are starting to click into place for me.
i think partly it just is about it taking a year for me to settle into a place. get to know people... they get to know me... then i finally start making the sorts of relationships i need (professional or otherwise). and so we are getting close to my being here for one year... and things really are feeling like they are settling in. which is wonderful, really. because here... is a good place for me. not like these other places where i spend a year to settle in to a place that is wrong wrong wrong and then getting the hell out becomes an issue...
anyway... things are feeling pretty good for me. if only i can keep my GPA up. sigh. doing some grading now... that helps... it is nice to feel competent sometimes.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 5, 2014, at 17:18:49
In reply to Re: med curriculum, posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2014, at 20:54:08
it made it seem real. that's what it did. it gave some insight into the proper nature of the course... the proper nature of the job... and so some time for me to process things a bit... to also read between the lines a bit... and think about whether i do want this or not. how much i want this...
and i really really do want this. and i think i could potentially be good at it. and if it turns out that the whole whirlwind thing of short rotations and busy hospitals is something i can only do in a time limited sense... then that won't make me oh so very different from all those people who decide that they do want to be GP's in rural communities after all. for the lifestyle. though... apparently that is where the real shortages are... and sounds like people clamor a bit for things like ER in big hospitals.... or maybe it is more about proportions of positions to people applying or something like that.
i think what i liked most was feeling that... concerns i had... were answered. that makes me feel like other students over the years had same concerns as me. about what to wear, whether this or that was acceptable. about placements about whether i really had to go to placement here or there about whether i could swap about whether there might be any kinds of grounds for getting a different placement. about how many sick days you can have and about what hours you are expected to work. all these sorts of things... and about how the pediatrics thing worried me a lot... then the thought of me (or probably a bit of a team of us, really) following along various appointments of a pregnant woman... through delivery... through some childhood development... thinking of holding a baby for the first time in that kind of context... that seems... manageable. i guess i did worry that i might simply be confronted with pediatric rotation early on and simply be expected to pick them up and move them about etc etc. but they don't just expect that. phew. huge load off. i kind of want to say 'of course' but my experience with physio and sport sci has led me to realise that you can't simply expect other people to have similar standards of... what is easy / hard... of... propriety or appropriateness, even... and prescribing... not until very late down the track. and same for ordering labs and discharging and the like. helps me feel... protected, again. makes things feel safer. more manageable.
worst case... you get a nightmare horrible placement for... 6 weeks. that's the longest placement. then you get bundled out of there and moving on... and early on... you probably have other students you can hide amongst... theatres you can go hold instruments in, or something...
i see that it really is a vocation... there is a bit of a tension... the students saying that they are treated like crap here. mostly that junior docs can get more money for shorter hours overseas. the senior people getting better and / or more equipment or support staff who are much happier for their shorter hours / higher pay. etc.
and the government. how it is an honor and a privileged to be selected to train. and this feeling that student docs are asking for the earth, really. that they are already given so very much. the government contributes a great deal towards the cost of the training... most expensive degree for the government (also the student) etc etc.
i think... the biggest thing... the hugest f*ck*ng thing of all... is that there is never any shortage of jobs for docs. i mean... never. that is... the very best job security there is. and the job is about helping people. thinking... government workers have job security. i think... security through changes in government. but a lot of their work is paper shuffling b*llsh*t. i know that a lot of doctors feel that their work is increasingly becoming full of paperwork b*llsh*t... but they do get to do front line stuff. most people... a huge number of people... have some kind of crisis at some point in their life about not feeling like their life has meaning / that they are or can make a difference. i think that medicine... well... it is different, like that. and psychologically etc... it is a wonderful thing.
i see that if you don't know different (if your parents are docs and you go from school to med school to working as a junior) then you might be full of 'buy my parents has their nice house within 20 minutes of the big city hospital before they were 35' or whatever... and if you are young of course you want to go off to do your OE... and of course you want to live in the city...
anyway... rambling... sorry...
it does suck to be starting over... really... it is what i wanted... but i forgot this feeling of... being afraid about whether i had the ability to succeed. i honestly don't know whether i can get the grades that i need next year. that scares me. i guess i honestly did think that i had plenty of general smarts and it would be enough to get me through. because... well... clearly i started spending too much time with the kids at tech and that other university... a more more at home now... and a bunch of kids are freaky smart. possibly... too smart for me (at science). sigh. grading critical reasoning... it comes fairly easily for me... law seems miles and miles and miles and miles harder. familiarity... practice... from where i am... i simply can't comprehend (for example) grading physics tests... and finding them similarly straightforward.
still... this really was what i wanted. i think it is good to take time to be grateful. espcially because... my life is going very well (according to me), actually. it is important to remember that. i am freaking lucky to have this opportunity. i am freaking afraid that i will blow it by not doign well enough... but still... having the opportunity is... well... what i most wanted. in life. to have the opportunity to do this. wish i was a bit better prepared... but in many ways i am... i have learned a lot this year... abotu how i learn and so on... anyway... sorry for the rant... back to the grading...
i'm feeling a lot more empathy for them... especially when (for instance) they do so much worse than chance on certain aspects (like multiguess). that awful feeling of getting all tied up with it... just like how i felt in my last physics test. sigh.
:)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2014, at 3:00:52
In reply to Re: med curriculum, posted by alexandra_k on September 5, 2014, at 17:18:49
it is nice to be having a break...
doing some reading... but also having a break, yeah.
had another meeting with the learning support people today. a bit weird... they were keen to do x and y and z and i was more... reluctant. i... don't feel that disclosure letters need to be going anyplace... or that i need to be making requests about lecture notes in advance or... to be specially allocated a suitably motivated lab partner or... anything, really...
but i did feel a bit bad about that. because i was really impressed by how organised and... uh... effective... they seemed to be focused on being.
anyway...
i thanked them a whole heap for the information about the curriculum... i'm not sure how much i can convey to anyone just how helpful that was. i mean... i did have a heap of concerns about whether this really was something that i wanted to do etc etc etc. and now i know for absolute sure: it really really is.
something that is becoming clearer to me... this OY1 year... is mostly about... persistence. reliability and persistence in the face of immense pressure / stress. i think that that is what it is testing more than anything. the website is (intentionally, i think) rather ambiguous on how candidates are ranked... and there is a bunch of stuff online... but biased samples etc etc... some later year med students saying they know of people who didn't get a place with an A+ GPA and people who did with a high A-... and a bunch of candidates who are posting about how everyone they know has A+'s for all the core papers (which is very unlikely to be true - and simply can't be true of all people accepted to med given the way grades are distributed in first year papers)...
And I realise... That the GPA difference between an A+ and an A- GPA is negligible indeed compared to the large spread of marks that are allocated from interview. and that quite a few of the students obsess about grades because they feel that that is where they excel and so they focus on that...
And i remember back to the girl I met for my Otago interview... I was all highly organised and all... Arriving with a day before so I could check out the locations etc etc... Buying stuff especially to wear etc etc... And she rocked up with not much time to spare (couldn't get much time off work) and I helped her out, yeah... But she just kind of... Kludged along... And things went well for her, yeah. Because she just held her stuff together and was pleasant enough etc etc. And, anyway, I'm going to hold onto her, I think... I ended up being... A bit preppy, really. Because I thought that would be 'normal' for them. What they were looking for. But I see now that no, that's not it. Think - unphased if a patient throws up on you. Easily laundered. Robust.
I just meant to say... Things like clothes are not a big deal. Things like books... Are. Things like the gym... Is important for my sanity / mental health. Hold onto these things...
Anyway...
I said a bit about how I have come to realise that this year is likely to be harder for me than next year for a bunch of reasons... And about how next year is likely to be harder than subsequent years for various reasons, too... About chatty girls hoping to find doctor husbands... About how they don't tend to take kindly to my sssshing them. They said about how they do... Put a great deal of time and thought and... Effort... Into the planning of those four courses. And I said about how... It showed. That things that bug me this year... Won't be an issue next year. Also... How I"m not overly thrilled by aspects of animal biology and I really am not particularly good at physics and how I don't really have the time to spend on law (given how many freaking animals there are)... And... I didn't say... But how... I'm sort of working up next year into something of a special interest... That is the idea... To special interest my way (all enjoyable like) through the prescribed texts and I've got the lab manual for one of the courses...
Anyway... Buy the books. That's crucial. Partly psychological. So I... Love them. Like a spider spinning it's web... I need to spin it into my brain... Hard to describe... I need a basic organic molecule set, too, to get a proper grip on tetrahedral geometry... Bond angles... To develop a better appreciation of 3-d structure... I have trouble visualising that... I think it will help a great deal... For all the electron movement stuff I need to get my head around next year...
The most important thing will be to keep my cool... It is fairly... PErsistent. Persistent deadlines of this and that... Long hours of classes and labs... Commute times for me with the health science based out at another campus... then UMAT over the break (I will in fact need to study for the non-verbal picture completions since it is kind of a mathsy thing to be doing)... And then the major major thing... To not let the A+ kids psych me out... To find some... Friends. To relax and be myself around...
She'll be right.
Yeah.
It is gonna be a journey, for sure.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2014, at 3:19:48
In reply to Re: break, posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2014, at 3:00:52
relaxing enough to be friendly...
i feel...
traumatised. i guess i've felt that way for a long time... that's probably why i suspected i had some kind of trauma disorder...
then quitting smoking... and the sensory world seemed... traumatic. disorganised and overwhelming, yeah.
and weightlifting was organising. when i couldn't focus on much of anything... nothing like a heavy bar on your back to focus you. nothing like fear of... being squashed. to focus you.
and the weight was... soothing. in helping me focus. same for any intense effort, really. bike. or elliptical. or whatever.
tech was traumatising... the kids... playing. mostly... flirting. the idea that what it was about was 'building social confidence'. the aim being to turn us into confident and flirty gym bunnies so we would be most popular so we would attract most clients so we would attract enough clients to be viable personal trainers in the gym.
not me.
skin fold assessments... within the context of flirty... and i couldn't. i just couldn't. i just couldn't.
and then physio... i didn't get started really... but getting a general sense of it. seeing there was a bit of a tension... seeing that the way it was largely going over this part of the world and more especially in the institution i was focused... was more massage therapy customer satisfaction flirty... and again... i just couldn't. to hear the dean be totally dismissive / not understanding of sensory processing difficulties... to have her thinking i was being a whiny little princess.... not understanding... being told that hard or special cases weren't dealt with really until grad school... that of course we had to model for each other because otherwise how would we learn???
contrast: you are asked to consider and sign a consent form to model for other students. if you decline then tutors are not allowed to penalise / disadvantage you.
professionalism: built right in from the start.
so i can relax...
thinking of infants... it being a big deal. me and all the wide eyed only child asian 18 year old boys who have never held a baby... contrast that with the kids with 13 brothers and sisters. many of whom they helped raise 'just get on in there'...
it is going to be okay. if i get a place. i am scared. most important thing: work hard. don't let the stress / pressure get to you. EVERYONE talks about how first year is freaking awful and they would hate to have to do it again... just get through it... do okay... okay... that's all yuo need to do... be persistent and reliable... and it will all be okay.
i think it will be okay enough fo rme to relax a bit. i guess that is what i'm saying. i need friends to have the odd drink with. the odd laugh. i do...
i'm doing okay... but i'm a little bit lonely, yeah. i am. i think that is good. a good thing. yeah.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2014, at 3:29:26
In reply to Re: break, posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2014, at 3:19:48
and there is a guy... who did a degree in computer science... and he seems to be taking this year in preparation for bio-med. he was across from me in lab for chemistry last semester... and he is in my lab for bio... and he's a bit autistic-ish, too... a little bit cross-eyed or something... a little bit round... smart... doing better than me, heh... and he sits himself right in the middle of everything always. and is happy to yell out the answer.
...whereas i like to be in the corner. the front right so my right hemisphere gets a good go at things and so... people can only approach me from two directions so i'm less likely to feel overwhelmed...
and there are a couple guys across from me in bio lab... one of them was asking about whether 13.5 was good for lab (out of 15) last time...
and i tend to feel grumpy about such people when they... show off... but i need to remember that typically... guys feel competitive with guys rather than with girls... and when guys are showing off around girls they aren't doing it with the intention of making the girls feel bad... quite the opposite...
and anyway.. last time i managed to hang out with the guys across from me (rather than lab partner next to me) and... i think my biology drawings went the better for it. and the guy who did very well got a nice big fish so he manged to get out nice drawable organs...
and that guy who sits in the middle of everything... well... he's bound to be in all my labs next year. because... that is the path that life seems to have thrown me. i wonder if he likes beer. sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2014, at 22:02:18
In reply to Re: break, posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2014, at 3:29:26
in my classes. but... oddly enough... doing alright otherwise.
fairly stressed... but that is the time of year. and there are various things i can do to free up extra hours.
i did learn a lot of biology over the break (after the test). and i have the textbook now...
and i do feel vaguely reassured about physics... that we do indeed get marks for concepts and for setting out strategies even if i do persistently f*ck up my calculations. it is motivating me, anyway. i think the thing to do is to print out the powerpoints and work back through the recordings... can pause things... work through the problems. and listening to the recordings is kind of entertaining, actually. enjoyable in a way that sitting down with a calculator and being faced with problems... isn't. because i really have no confidence / faith in what i'm doing at all. i have... never felt so stupid as when it comes to physics. well... math. i guess they are the same really. kinda sorta semi...
i suppose... it is a bit of a miracle really if i can come out of a university course in physics with a passing grade a bit below the average grade for the course... given that i've never done high school maths... i should probably think of it more like that...
anyway... i can work harder. and i can work smarter. and... i have been working a bit... so... respect, i guess. i will have to work harder. and of course... they probably marked us pretty hard for that in order to extract better work out of us for our exams. that's what i would do if i were them, anyway. biology people didn't tell us the class average...
anyway... off to print off some physics...
i think... i think the thing is that i thought they would be... dissapointed in me... upset... scathing... something... something like that... for me doing not so well. or perhaps gloating and pleased. something like that. but... they don't seem to be. i guess it is one of those things... persistence... a bit like the gym... not much kudos goes to the person who just rocks up and can do things... more to the person who demonstrably persists through hard times... anyway... people seem... kinder. somehow. or maybe... it is me. humbled. whatever. life is good... and there is more to life (more to academic life even) than grades. huh. who woulda thunk?
that being said... must... do... better. but also... will do better when i care more about what i'm learning about. the lecturers are interesting and they really do do what they can to convey that... but i'm just not particularly interested in other critters or evolution more generally or history of society / law or musical instruments... aspects are interesting and relevant... and important... and of course i really am a firm believer in the intrinsic value of knowledge etc etc... but... i don't know... perhaps i'm starting to grow up? maybe that is it... anyway... off to print off some physics...
Posted by pontormo on September 20, 2014, at 10:56:46
In reply to not doing particularly well..., posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2014, at 22:02:18
>
> i suppose... it is a bit of a miracle really if i can come out of a university course in physics with a passing grade a bit below the average grade for the course... given that i've never done high school maths... i should probably think of it more like that...
>
>
>
> i think... i think the thing is that i thought they would be... dissapointed in me... upset... scathing... something... something like that... for me doing not so well. or perhaps gloating and pleased. something like that. but... they don't seem to be. i guess it is one of those things... persistence... a bit like the gym... not much kudos goes to the person who just rocks up and can do things... more to the person who demonstrably persists through hard times... anyway... people seem... kinder. somehow. or maybe... it is me. humbled. whatever. life is good... and there is more to life (more to academic life even) than grades. huh. who woulda thunk?
>
> that being said... must... do... better. but also... will do better when i care more about what i'm learning about. the lecturers are interesting and they really do do what they can to convey that...~~hey Alex I really like what you're saying here.
There's a lot of wisdom in where you're going with these thoughts. Don't overvalue the grades of the moment-- it's the overall goal and the meaning you can put into and get out of the process that matters over time. As long as you invest yourself and make the work meaningful and remember the purpose-- the overarching reason for it all.
And yeah-- people are a lot kinder than we give them credit for-- or than we are-- thank god.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 20, 2014, at 22:59:18
In reply to Re: not doing particularly well..., posted by pontormo on September 20, 2014, at 10:56:46
hey. thank you. yeah, i need to hold onto the goal.
i was actually over these past few days remembering one of the goals that i had... something that i thought i would learn... better time management. working more to a schedule than from a feeling. i think i am (only just) starting to learn to do that. and feeling good from it. something kantian... about doing what you are supposed to do because you are supposed to do it. just beginning... but on the journey, yeah.
> There's a lot of wisdom in where you're going with these thoughts. Don't overvalue the grades of the moment-- it's the overall goal and the meaning you can put into and get out of the process that matters over time. As long as you invest yourself and make the work meaningful and remember the purpose-- the overarching reason for it all.
yes. and... if i do get a place in medicine then that is probably something i'm going to have to come to terms with. being much nearer the bottom of the class for most things. i mean... i guess it is like that for most people. and a lot of those people will be lot smarter at a lot of things than me...
> And yeah-- people are a lot kinder than we give them credit for-- or than we are-- thank god.yeah. thank god for that. i think... one of the things that makes us unkind is anxiety. fear. a defensive freeze can be almost indistinguishable from an attack.
anyway... back to it.
:)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 22, 2014, at 22:47:26
In reply to Re: not doing particularly well... » pontormo, posted by alexandra_k on September 20, 2014, at 22:59:18
I think that partly my grades don't matter so much because I'm in an institution with a (much) higher world ranking, now. I remember applying for a summer scholarship as an undergrad and even with my grades they asked for a writing sample on very short notice. The other scholar had significantly lower grades than me and wasn't asked for a writing sample - but he was from an institution that was more highly regarded.
And perhaps it is also partly because science simply is fairly different from a subject like philosophy. You can work fairly hard in science but not do very well because you don't have the relevant background. But that your grades pick up over the years as you gain more of the relevant background. So they come to forgive earlier.. F*ck ups... Over time.
I really like physics. Still. And I really like physicists. The people CARE. Their teaching is clear. They try and keep things as simple as possible (things get hard enough all by themselves). The room has good accoustics. More than that. Really great accoustics. We are doing waves at the moment... And I'm learning... I like walls because the sound reflects off and I can hear much more clearly up against the wall. And I like people to keep away (disperse) because they steal my sound waves. Making it harder to hear. It isn't just about their fidgeting etc. Though that comes into play... Just their presence... I suspected as much. And they are good with their lecture recordings. They don't seem to have trouble switching from recording the computer video, their voices, their powerpoints, the camera for their writing / showing something on i-pad or whatever.
In biology... New lecturer... He started out beautifully indeed. Dimming the lights. Yellow text on a black background. Beautiful high resolution pictures of fossils and the like. Then of course someone wanted the lights turned up... Because... Well because of f*ck knows why. No reason was given. But now the lights are turned up. And now the now the picture looks all washed out. And his voice sounds all washed out. Because he isn't microphoned properly. Because of their fidgety masses... Because the room has isles against the walls so I don't get such a reflection off of that... And most of the kids don't notice. Most of the kids probably had glue ear...
And they don't want to record the lectures because of copyright issues. That is what they say. Because they want to babysit us with clips from the Simpsons or whatever. Because they pretend like it is far too hard for them to not record the computer display when they play such clips.
I think bio-med will probably be different. They probably don't try and 'educate' the top science kids by way of childrens cartoons. If it isn't... No more biology for me. Fed up. Honestly.
I might be eligable for a scholarship next year. $2000 that will serve me very well indeed re: books, glasses, dentist, UMAT necessary (honestly!) clothes etc... Only... I don't know that my grades will be strong enough :( ANyway... Seems they changed the criterion on it from last year... Last year... I didn't seem eligible for anything since I have a degree already and am not a (directly from) school leaver... Anyway... I guess I"ll go talk to the scholarships office... I really don't know how I'm going to end up doing in my classes this semester...
I think whatever happens I'll take the physics for science and engineering course that I tried last summer school... Today one of the tutors showed me some algebra rearrangements and i have a bunch of little equivalencies to learn / that will help me out... It is kinda fun. Yeah.\
Then I can do the health science pathway next year (to focus my time on the hard science papers and appreciate the rest as 'load lighteners')... And if I don't get a place in medicine... Hope at least to earn a place in bio-med... In which case... I'll do the functioning in math course over summer... And then I'll have bio-physics that year.
Cell biology might be better... Biochemistry... Fairly sure medsci will be alright... Fairly sure... Otherwise... I guess physics it will have to be. And... F*ck knows whether I'll be able to do well enough to go to grad school :(
Posted by alexandra_k on September 25, 2014, at 22:25:57
In reply to Re: not doing particularly well..., posted by alexandra_k on September 22, 2014, at 22:47:26
things are tick tocking along. another week down. another hard week... a bunch of grading. a physics assignment. a rat dissection. a work and income meeting to secure this place for next year.
got through it all okay :)
i'm... proud of me, again. so proud. really, very.
we had one rat between two. i was grateful not to have to do it all myself. the smell comes in waves and you just have to stand back for a few minutes... so turn taking works out fine. the rats were all part of a diabetes study. we got the biggest fattest rat i've ever seen. fat around his heart and stuff... just... wow. i mean honestly, the dude was almost cat sized... we couldn't cover him with water in the tray because he barely fit in the tray...
my lab partner is getting better. has been learning. i mean, the first lab she didn't have the stuff she needed... now... not only does she bring all her stuff, she's started marking up her lab manual before class and she's doing much better at following along... they really are nearly second years. she's a biology major... she's going to be okay.
work and income meeting went really well. there were security guards on the door but the atmosphere was... everyone seemed to be trying really hard to keep things amicable and relaxed... and it really did seem to be. it went smoothly, actually. one of the smoothest appointments i've had with them. and i was worried to ask about whether it would be okay for me to study full time next year... and she just said 'while we encourage you to work as much as you can - you don't have a work obligation'. and, uh, the reason why i wasn't allowed to study full time before was because i couldn't honour my work obligation if i was studying full time. so now i don't have a work obligation... i am free to study. just... wow. so i don't even need to try and make a case for why i can study but not work. so... very smooth indeed. and i told them about the small amount of grading work that i do have and it doesn't affect things. so...
so...
next week is much more relaxed... and then things pick up again. assignment... labs... test... another batch of grading... won't be so bad since last lot so don't need to do feedback... and then a few weeks of exams.
waiting for my molecular model kit to arrive... will get the A&P book from grading... and hopefully organic chem too (fingers crossed i get enough for that)... they will keep me... hanging in there. i just gotta hang in there... keep things ticking over between now and the last exam.
life is good... the epidemiology people said the stats is very simple indeed so doing stats probably wouldn't help particularly. from what i've seen of the course it is more critical reasoning stuff about the sorts of inferences you can make from different sorts of studies (stuff like not inferring causation from correlation). the textbook was very... readable, anyway. and from what i've heard it tends to upset the bio-medders more than the health science people, so...
we had to solve a simultaneous equation for physics. apparently it probably wasn't meant to be one... but it turned out that we were only given one of the values so we needed to do that... so he showed us a bit of how to do one in class... then the tutors showed me a bunch of algebraic equivalencies / rearrangements. and it is a lot like logic. just that the rules of inference are different because we have mathematical operators instead of boolean connectives...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 16:44:37
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 25, 2014, at 22:25:57
it isn't that i'm not really enjoying evolutionary biology. it is more that i'm really not enjoying evolutionary biology. partly it is that i haven't clicked very well with the people. mostly it is that i just... don't like it particularly.
i think i'll skip the next 4 lectures on that. rejoin when we move to muscle and nerve tissue. I will learn to deal with *ssh*l*s at some point... but not right now. it isn't '*ssh*l*' particularly. it is more... that for some totally bizarre reason they look to educational theory rather than psychology learning theory to justify their teaching practices. and then... that is what they do. cherry pick data to justify their doing whatever it is that they want to do. mostly my problem is that if you make a request of them... instead of being 'sure no problem' - which other lecturers seem to manage okay... instead of that... they decide to throw their weight around / dig in their heels. why? because... they can. that really does seem to be it... i'm sick and tired of little comments about how they should tell us special information since we bothered to turn up (complete disregard for people who may be sick, people who may simply learn differently etc) then told to lighten up (because laughing at other's is hilarious). of obnoxious noises being placed in lectures to 'wake us all up' (offensive to those who are following along and only obnoxious to those who would probably have done better not to come'. babysitting videos... where the audio is illegible. listening to bbc documentaries on how everything is evolving to the epitome of evolution - people. or listening to the Simpsons because Gould got a mention... I've really had enough. I've sent off the relevant emails... And I guess what will happen now will be that people will close ranks.
I need to stay away. Do the readings in my own time. It really will be better next year. They don't give the best science kids the idiot teachers. Fairly sure. We may even get teachers capable of carving out a manageable take home chunk of content for each lecture with clear lecture objectives. The coursebook for next year... Seems to consist in a little more of that. Instead of... This crazy thing they do of assuming that we know the model case (humans) and teaching us deviations for different animals... When the class where people learn about humans is a limited entry course running this semester - so nobody has that information as previously existing.
I have trouble with aspects of my test... We are asked to draw things and seems to me that at various points I did in fact draw the relevant thing... But got no marks for it. No model answers went up. We didn't get the multi-guess portion back. Feeling a lot like they threw them down the stairs... Feeling a lot like tech.
I guess it is. I guess that is what has happened now. As techs have started offering degrees... Universities have started running that calibre of a degree program. Comperable courses. The techs like it too because they can say that what they are teaching is at degree level. Which of course it is. Since the universities have really started to offer scrambled time wasters... Pretty pissy, I am, for sure. Partly it is the time of year. Partly it is feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all, for sure. But then partly it is also about things not being presented particularly coherently or logically (that sh*t takes work - so much more effective to spend ones time hunting down copyright approval to play the Simpsons in class because that joke is totally crucial for the exam). Fed up...
Constant reminders that I have in fact made the right decision to do OY1 next year. Another prepratory year would be counter-productive. Even if I don't do well enough next year... I won't regret not having taken another prepratory year. Pretty sure I need to stay the f*ck away from physiology as my major. I think cell / devo and molecular genetic type courses (more 'hard science') will be okay... But the 'I like to fish' people... Well... I guess I'll stay away from sport science too, because I guess it will only be a lot more of that over there...
Deep breath. Parallel stream... Parallel world... Stuck in the kiddy pool area for Bio like how I was stuck in the kiddy pool area for Chem last semester. With the 'gate keeper' people designed to waste your time / indulge you in wasting their time to keep you the hell away from the people who actually get work done... It is kinda heartbreaking to see the actual kids... Growing up. Some of them feeling about as pissed off about all this as me... Better at sucking it up... Probably mostly because it is through the course of this year... That they have come to see the kiddie pool they found themselves in... And they have developed suitable motivation to get the hell out.
That is probably it.
And that is probably why people who do go on to do well... Think that those who don't do well are lazy and / or stupid. And... Are disparaging about that. Because they remember how those people got in the way and prevented their learning and did the whole crabs in a bucket thing... And so they are so f*ck*ng happy to have distinguished themselves from that group and they really will do everything in their power to keep their place / to keep other people in their place... Because they remember the f*ck*ng horror of being put in the wrong f*ck*ng group.
Stay away. For sure. I don't like where my head is at with this.
One more week. And I don't even have to go.
I suppose I should focus on gratitude. I am grateful that I didn't get a place in the foundations program this year. If I had have got a place... I'm fairly sure I wouldn't have lasted the year in that. I would have wigged out at some point and... And then what? I don't know. Or if somehow miraculously I did manage to make it through that year... I would be in the awful position of wondering whether I needed the year I'm doing now to prepare me better...
The thing is that this year... The preparation thing is... Dubious. It is a dubious relation. Some aspects are extremely relevant. But there is a lot of b*llsh*t. And there is a whole f*ck*ng ton of the 'things most people find easy' to try and make the 'things most people find hard' to be easier. Only... For me... I'm built the other way around. So a lot of the things that are supposed to 'help' are hinderances for me. If people had an ability to listen to what I'm saying things would run differently for me...
- Organic lecturer. Is good. Thinks clearly. I can follow along. It will be hard... But I don't have problems with her teaching or whatever. She did dig in her heels a bit about powerpoints... But she said she will hand them over if I put in a disability request. So... I think I might...
Biology people... F*ck knows. That lecture I went to was great. 3/4 of the way through the class... A place where things tend to get 'itsy bitsy' because the students will be too scrambled to notice - right? 6 steps in chlorine regulation (and then rather a ton of information on cystic fibrosis and he said he didn't expect people to learn the history dates of discovery for various things which suggested he did expect people to learn everything else). but there it was... clear and precise. a managable chunk of content (depending on how seriously you crammed the cystic fibrosis stuff or took your chances a little more with that). anyway... it made me smile. because it seemed fair. and... a managable 'bare minimum' thing... anyway... whatever...
I feel bad for skipping a week of classes because i am a good contientious student. i've only missed 4 classes all year. but... i gotta do what i gotta do. i'm sure there is a bunch of people who... uh... like to fish or something who think he's terrific. i guess it is important to keep those people... the other uni across the bridge offers a whole degree in marine biology... we wouldn't want to not offer a degree comperable to them...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:05:47
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 16:44:37
it is just little things... little things that drive me nuts.
like with our biology drawings.
we had a model in the front of our lab manual, so first lab i used it as a template. and then i lost marks for my drawings because of various things that they wanted us to do that were different from the template / different from the commentary on the template at the start of the manual. e.g., to put the phylum and class on the drawings and not just include genus and species. to put the magnification in a certain place rather than including it in the title.
apparently our drawings are better now... probably because of the grading feedback which told us (incrementally over several labs) what it was that they wanted from us. i am not sure how much there is a standardized 'and this is how it is supposed to be formatted' like there is for APA format... I hope to god the situation isn't that every biology class wants you to do them a bit differently - and that students ability to divine? the template the demonstrators have in mind from the actual class... despite the lab manual... is how grades are determined in labs.
which is better than throwing them down the stairs?
i guess some kids would have been good at getting the demonstrators to tell them what to do in the lab... i guess that is it. giggle and flirt and smile and you might get helpful bits out of them.
i think we got the big rat last week because we got the sh*tt**st fish specimens the week before... and (apparently) because our drawings improved a lot over the course of the semester. my gripe is: my drawings would have been of precisely that quality all along if only the template and instructions in the lab manual were an accurate portrayal of what it was that they f*ck*ng well wanted from us.
this kind of thing... is the kind of thing that drives me nuts... and tech was full of it. in this instance... i could try and say something about how the lab manual doesn't match what seems to be expected of us and how students would probably do better in labs if they updated the lab manual accordingly... and it would result in countless emails going through cycles and cycles of mostly bad reasons why nothing should be done... things like how nobody even reads their lab manual anyway etc etc etc...
the 'real reason' seems to be... so they feel that they taught us something. over the course of the semester... look at how our biology drawings improved! my gripe is that: they were only so bad in the first place because they weren't clear in their expectations of us.
i think that that happens a lot... students don't know what is expected of them. more than half the problem is that the teachers they tend to get are the teachers who either don't know what is expected of them either or teachers who have qualms about it such that they think their job is to make things harder than things need to be or teachers who are so dumb that they don't f*ck*ng well get it.
:(
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