![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on July 31, 2005, at 1:00:43
My grades are a disaster...they are either A's or D's it seems.
In several classes I even failed to show up for the final exam...leading to an "incomplete"=failure. :-( What a horrible way to fail! I was seriously messed up at times...wandering the malls like a "crazy" person instead of going to my exams.
I seriously *have* to get my act together before school starts and make sure that I *stay* together!...That is a BIG problem for me. Usually I do well enough in my first semester but somehow the stress overwhelms me after the holiday break during Dec. and I do horribly the next semester...I mean really really badly!
There is something seriously wrong with my brain at times...I just CANNOT concentrate on anything like studying during those times.
When I feel good, studying is not a big deal and I actually remember things! I find I don't even need to study that much if I just go to all of my classes. It's amazing! I feel so good about doing well and I feel smart too. I'm utterly amazed that I have the ability to be at or near the top of the class when I can concentrate and study. All that time I thought I was a complete and total idiot who probably could not finish university.
When I feel badly, I write notes for hours and hours and I cannot retain any information! I don't think I'm even studying! I just cannot *think* or something! It's horrible! This just CANNOT happen again! This happens every year and my academic life is going to be absolutely screwed if I don't fix whatever the heck is wrong with me quick!
I cannot learn when I'm messed up!
I got a brief glimpse of what I'm capable of doing and now I have to repeat it! I just cannot believe how I screw up my grades with my instability...is it even worth it anymore? Aaahh...my life is over! My GPA is messed up! I'm never going to get my B.Sc. I'm never going to get into grad school. I'm never going to get a job.
Aaahh! I'm freaking out! What's going to happen with my life? What the heck am I going to do? I really messed things up!
Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 17:22:57
In reply to I *need* to do well in school, posted by Deneb on July 31, 2005, at 1:00:43
> There is something seriously wrong with my brain at times...I just CANNOT concentrate on anything like studying during those times.
Is it that you cant study or that you think it is pointless to study because you don't think you are retaining anything? Maybe its because you start to beat yourself up about not being able to do it and then... you find that you can't do it.
This is where a councellor could help you a lot.
And a study group if you can manage to get into one that is at a suitable level.
> When I feel badly, I write notes for hours and hours and I cannot retain any information! I don't think I'm even studying! I just cannot *think* or something! It's horrible! This just CANNOT happen again! This happens every year and my academic life is going to be absolutely screwed if I don't fix whatever the heck is wrong with me quick!Yeah. Its harder to think when you are under stress. But... No study is wasted. Thats where I write myself cue card questions or attempt to write out the structure of the lecture notes from memory or something like that. Repetition repitition and it does get in there. Doesn't feel like it is... But it is... No study is wasted imo. Even if it turns out not to be relevant for that particular test...
You will be alright. You might need to repeat the courses you didn't finish...In the future... One word for you... If you absolutely have to go to the mall instead of going to the exam: compassionate withdrawal. Which doesn't f*ck up your GPA. At this point... DOn't worry about it too much. You might need to do the courses you got IC for again. But you will be fine. If you are getting A's I'm sure grad school will forgive you a few IC's. I'm sure they will.
I'd rather fail than get an A as well...
Best not go there...
But it is something that I had to deal with.
And i got a grade that i wasn't happy with...
and it was hard...
but i just had to deal with it.i know its hard...
but grades really aren't a measure of self worth.
Posted by Deneb on July 31, 2005, at 18:28:04
In reply to Re: I *need* to do well in school, posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 17:22:57
> This is where a councellor could help you a lot.
I'm desperate...I'm willing to try anything...get "help" or whatever...I will not ruin my life because of this! I have to get myself together and stay together!
> And a study group if you can manage to get into one that is at a suitable level.
I've never been in a study group...I'm very shy IRL and don't really talk. It's horrible. How am I going to make it in this world? That's it, I have to seriously get some help for my problems. I'll do whatever needs to be done! I want to succeed!
> You will be alright. You might need to repeat the courses you didn't finish...
I don't know if things are going to be all right...I've seriously messed up my GPA. I'm also seriously behind because I had to drop a lot of courses for my mental breakdowns. I know I really should get at least a Masters because the field I study is very competitive and right now I'm not even in the competition!
The way I calm myself down is by saying to myself that I will do it eventually if that is really what I *want* to do. I'm in no real rush. I'm willing to work "crappy" jobs to pay for uni and I don't need to move out any time soon...although it would probably be good life experience for me to do so. I'm not in a rush to get things done. I'll be ok. There are worst fates than not going to grad school.
> In the future... One word for you... If you absolutely have to go to the mall instead of going to the exam: compassionate withdrawal.I don't like to be an exception in these cases. Once I got an extension for an essay and I felt so guilty about it that I couldn't write the final exam essay and ended up failing the course (which was an "easy" course everyone was supposed to pass)...Bioethics, aka medical ethics. I did really well the second time around...see how I f*ck things up for myself?
When I do things like not show up for an exam, I'm actually in a suicidal state...I'm convinced that I will kill myself so why bother stressing out about an exam? Then I continue living and realize how much I screwed things up. I'm afraid I'm going to end up being one of those students who kill themselves over bad grades. :-(
I can think of so many times where I should have been locked up for my safety. I just need to get my B.Sc., then things will get better...or not. :-(Deneb
Posted by Deneb on July 31, 2005, at 18:45:28
In reply to Re: I *need* to do well in school » alexandra_k, posted by Deneb on July 31, 2005, at 18:28:04
Ok, what's the number 1 thing I've got to do to get help for my problems? I'm willing to do it because I want to succeed.
Therapy, meds, whatever...I'll do it to do well in school again. School used to be my no.1 confidence booster...now it is like some nightmare when things don't go my way.
Ok, what do I have to do?
Deneb
Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 20:16:25
In reply to Re: I *need* to do well in school, posted by Deneb on July 31, 2005, at 18:45:28
> Ok, what do I have to do?
When does semester start? August? Is it coming up at the end of this month? Enrolling could be a useful first step ;-)
You need to phone up your old p-doc. Tell her that you really want to go back and you really want to do this. That you will do whatever it takes to get through and that you need a little help.
Try and get therapy. Maybe your p-doc will be able to see you for therapy. Maybe not... If not then she might be able to refer you on to somewhere else.
I'm not sure about this...
But I think there should be councellors at your uni.
And I'm even less sure on this...
But I thought the student health coverage was pretty good in Canada.
I'm talking student coverage that lets you make use of your community mental health equivalent and maybe even providers that are registered with the insurance company. That it works out to be $5 per session or something like that. But maybe thats for international students...Tell your p-doc about DBT and about how you have been hearing about how that could be helpful to you.
Posted by JenStar on July 31, 2005, at 20:38:25
In reply to I *need* to do well in school, posted by Deneb on July 31, 2005, at 1:00:43
hi Deneb,
you should be really proud that you are able to get A's! :) You're a smart person and that shows it.For me, getting through a tough class was made easier with structure. When I did every assignment on the day it was assigned (or started it pronto), that helped me learn the material before the next week. That was the ONLY way I could keep up. I wasn't one of those people who could doze all semester and then read the book entirely the night before the exam and get an A. I had to go in baby steps, week by week, concept by concept. And if I slacked off and skipped a week, I would get all anxious and mind-twizzled and frantic like you described, and it would get harder to study, because I didn't know where to start.
So my advice is to start strong and stay strong. Study every night, even if it means missing social obligations. That way you'll be totally on top of the material, and ahead of hte game, and hopefully it will never put you in the spot where you need to start feeling frantic.
good luck! :)
J
Posted by Deneb on July 31, 2005, at 21:01:03
In reply to Re: I *need* to do well in school » Deneb, posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 20:16:25
> > Ok, what do I have to do?
>
> When does semester start? August? Is it coming up at the end of this month? Enrolling could be a useful first step ;-)The fall semester starts in the beginning of Sept. I'm still enrolled, all I have to do is register my classes online, I can do it today or tomorrow.
> You need to phone up your old p-doc. Tell her that you really want to go back and you really want to do this. That you will do whatever it takes to get through and that you need a little help.I'm always afraid to phone her office up. Several times she had to make the appointment for me herself. Now that I think about it, I think she really does care about me, she was totally booked solid during my "crisis" but she squeezed me in every week. She can never show that she cares though because it might make me worst. I know I will have to leave a message...maybe I should do it today. It will take a long time to get a regular appointment with her, not sure what to do.
> Try and get therapy. Maybe your p-doc will be able to see you for therapy. Maybe not... If not then she might be able to refer you on to somewhere else.
My p-doc gives psychotherapy, she's not much of a meds person. I don't think it was working very well though, we never had enough time to do much of anything. I think I need something more practical than simply "talking about stuff."
> I'm not sure about this...
> But I think there should be councellors at your uni.
> And I'm even less sure on this...
> But I thought the student health coverage was pretty good in Canada.Counselling is free to all full time students. I saw a counsellor my first year, I didn't think we were going anywhere and she agreed that I should probably stick to seeing one person, my p-doc. I don't know what's with me and counselling...it never seems to "work" for me. I never know what to "do" in counselling...it just seems like a bunch of talking. I need something more practical...in easy to follow steps to solve my problems.
> Tell your p-doc about DBT and about how you have been hearing about how that could be helpful to you.
I did tell her about DBT. I don't think there's anything like that for me. I mentioned Linehan's works and she agreed that it might be good to read her books.
I just wish there where some simple steps to take in therapy to fix me. It just all seems like talking that goes nowhere...maybe I just don't "get" it yet.
My p-doc is pretty good at bringing me back to reality. She explains things to me in ways I understand. She even used Hammy as an example! She told me I should treat myself like I treat Hammy and not be so hard on myself. She also told me that blocks are like going to jail...I understand things the way she explains them. She's a nice p-doc. Actually, all the p-docs I've seen have been great, they are all nice people, or maybe they pretend to be nice? :-( I feel better after talking with her but I don't know if I make any long term progress...or maybe it's just really really slow progress.
I think I have to continue getting help...I want to get better not worst. Can people with a BPD get better by themselves? I just need to be stable long enough to actually be productive. How I wish I could be stable for a whole year! even a few months!
Hmmm...strange thing I just realized...it seems that most p-docs are good looking and easy going people...maybe that makes them more approachable and then this in turn makes them want to help others?
Deneb
Posted by Deneb on July 31, 2005, at 21:18:04
In reply to Re: I *need* to do well in school » Deneb, posted by JenStar on July 31, 2005, at 20:38:25
> For me, getting through a tough class was made easier with structure. When I did every assignment on the day it was assigned (or started it pronto), that helped me learn the material before the next week. That was the ONLY way I could keep up. I wasn't one of those people who could doze all semester and then read the book entirely the night before the exam and get an A.
That's what I have to do as well...keep up with the material and never procrastinate...plus go to all my classes. Going to class helps a lot! I'm not one of those people who can cram right before the exam either...I would probably pass if it were an easy class, but there is a LOT of material in some other classes. I've done it before and only barely passed...really bad idea because I know I would have done well if I had only kept up. :-(
> So my advice is to start strong and stay strong. Study every night, even if it means missing social obligations. That way you'll be totally on top of the material, and ahead of hte game, and hopefully it will never put you in the spot where you need to start feeling frantic.
Very good advice there! Except I don't have any social obligations to worry about. I've got to *prevent* the anxiety before it disables me. Knowing I will do well for a test is great for reducing anxiety!
thanks JenStar
Deneb
Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 21:29:31
In reply to Re: I *need* to do well in school » alexandra_k, posted by Deneb on July 31, 2005, at 21:01:03
> The fall semester starts in the beginning of Sept. I'm still enrolled, all I have to do is register my classes online, I can do it today or tomorrow.
:-)
Good.
> > You need to phone up your old p-doc. Tell her that you really want to go back and you really want to do this. That you will do whatever it takes to get through and that you need a little help.
> I'm always afraid to phone her office up.(((Deneb)))
I understand that it can be really really hard to ask for help sometimes.>Several times she had to make the appointment for me herself. Now that I think about it, I think she really does care about me, she was totally booked solid during my "crisis" but she squeezed me in every week.
Behaviour is worth more than 1,000 words. Some people say they care with their words but treat you like sh*t. So very much rarer to find someone who consistently behaves in a caring way. Her actions show you that she does care. Really :-)
> I know I will have to leave a message...maybe I should do it today. It will take a long time to get a regular appointment with her, not sure what to do.
She might have an opening... She might be able to make an opening... You might have to wait a little bit... There is only one way to find out though. Is email an option? That might be easier than making a phone call. But yup, you need to contact her. It is about putting things into place to prevent you getting into a bad place when you are studying. So much easier to prevent the bad place than to deal with it once it is upon you. Also to minimise the impact of that so that even when you are freaking out you are doing what you need to do. You are going to need a little help with that. For when you are in a bad place. When you are in a good place you do really great all by yourself :-) Its just when things get hard that you need a hand. And you need a hand to help yourself not get into that bad place.
> My p-doc gives psychotherapy, she's not much of a meds person.Thats terrific :-)
I say that because meds will be of limited assistance. I think therapy is more important. If you have someone who can do both then IMO that is best case :-)>I don't think it was working very well though, we never had enough time to do much of anything. I think I need something more practical than simply "talking about stuff."
Okay. So maybe you need to sort out with her whether she is willing to make a regular committment to work with you. If you can make a regular time. That way you will be able to deal with issues and feelings as they start to arise.
> I never know what to "do" in counselling...it just seems like a bunch of talking.I think its about talking about stuff that is meaningful to you. Stuff that is important to you. But I agree that...
>I need something more practical...in easy to follow steps to solve my problems.
... something more practically focused will probably be of more use to you at this point.
> I did tell her about DBT. I don't think there's anything like that for me. I mentioned Linehan's works and she agreed that it might be good to read her books.okay. has she read the books? maybe she could do some skills training with you???
> My p-doc is pretty good at bringing me back to reality. She explains things to me in ways I understand. She even used Hammy as an example! She told me I should treat myself like I treat Hammy and not be so hard on myself. She also told me that blocks are like going to jail...I understand things the way she explains them. She's a nice p-doc.Yeah she sounds great :-)
It must have been really hard for you when she went on leave :-(
At least... It would have been really hard for me.>Actually, all the p-docs I've seen have been great, they are all nice people, or maybe they pretend to be nice? :-( I feel better after talking with her but I don't know if I make any long term progress...or maybe it's just really really slow progress.
slow... its probably that its slow... i don't see any progress in myself untill i look back to a couple years ago... i can see the progress in years, but not in weeks or months.
> I think I have to continue getting help...I want to get better not worst. Can people with a BPD get better by themselves?i think so...
but i think its probably slower and more painful and incomprehensible than it needs to be with adequate assistance from professionals. and babblers, of course :-)>I just need to be stable long enough to actually be productive. How I wish I could be stable for a whole year! even a few months!
LOL! I wish I could be stable for a few months or a year too! Truth is... I can 'act' satisfactorily stable for a few months at a time. I needed a week off this year (well... three weeks that coincided with a two week break) - and the year isn't finished yet. I still go up and majorly down. It is just that i can continue some semblance of functioning while inside everything is falling apart. life is still hell quite a lot of the time. but i can continue to function mostly... and the bad times aren't as deep or long lasting as they used to be. 4 years ago... i remember just how stoked i was to get through a year of full time classes without an episode. episodes on the inside - but didn't interrupt my functioning. didn't need time off. but i needed a lot of support to do that. you will get there.
Posted by Deneb on July 31, 2005, at 22:12:52
In reply to Re: I *need* to do well in school » Deneb, posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 21:29:31
> She might have an opening... She might be able to make an opening... You might have to wait a little bit... There is only one way to find out though. Is email an option?
No, I don't think email is an option. :-(
> I think therapy is more important. If you have someone who can do both then IMO that is best case :-)
I'm curious about all those p-docs people talk about who are all about meds. So far I haven't met any p-docs here who are like that. What do they learn in school anyways? Do they learn how to do therapy? Or is it a self taught thing?
> So maybe you need to sort out with her whether she is willing to make a regular committment to work with you.
I don't think I can work with her for a long time. I don't think she sees people on a long term basis. I think she usually sees students 2x a month. It was actually quite the shock for her to want to see me every week for a while. It is kind of difficult to get any issues sorted out when we see each other only every month or so.
> okay. has she read the books? maybe she could do some skills training with you???
I'm not sure if she's read the books but she knows about them.
> It must have been really hard for you when she went on leave :-(
> At least... It would have been really hard for me.Hmmm...actually it wasn't really that difficult. I don't think I get attached to people easily. I mean, I do care about her, but I don't need her to function or anything like that. I told her that I was worried about worrying her with all my suicidal behaviours. I didn't want to stress her out too much before having her baby. She told me that she wasn't stressed out by me. She said that I was only worrying myself!
I like how she keeps boundaries like that. I like how she never seems upset with me or freaks out. Once I took a mini OD and told her about it but she didn't freak out. She did make me throw the pills out in her office though. She made me throw out the cough syrup I used a while ago too.
> i think so...
> but i think its probably slower and more painful and incomprehensible than it needs to be with adequate assistance from professionals. and babblers, of course :-)Heehee, I love babblers. You guys help socialize me. I learn things that are obvious to other people but not to me!
>It is just that i can continue some semblance of functioning while inside everything is falling apart. life is still hell quite a lot of the time. but i can continue to function mostly...
Wow, that is quite a feat! I wish we didn't have to deal with those episodes in the first place. You seem very together to me and you have very good insight. Do you think maybe your problems are more based on nature rather than nurture?
> but i needed a lot of support to do that. you will get there.
I certainly hope so!
Deneb
Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 22:43:54
In reply to Re: I *need* to do well in school » alexandra_k, posted by Deneb on July 31, 2005, at 22:12:52
> I'm curious about all those p-docs people talk about who are all about meds. So far I haven't met any p-docs here who are like that.
Probably because you have been dealing with mental health providers in an academic environment rather than in something comperable to community mental health...
>What do they learn in school anyways? Do they learn how to do therapy? Or is it a self taught thing?
Yeah, I think they learn how to do therapy. Not sure how much time they spend on that vs learning about meds and physical exams and filling in compulsory assessment and treatment papers and discharge papers and defending ones decisions in court ;-)
> I don't think I can work with her for a long time. I don't think she sees people on a long term basis. I think she usually sees students 2x a month. It was actually quite the shock for her to want to see me every week for a while. It is kind of difficult to get any issues sorted out when we see each other only every month or so.Yes. Monthly is too hard. I have worked with p-docs fortnightly (comprimise between their usual once per month and my usual once per week). That was better than nothing - but still really very hard. You don't know if you don't ask... And maybe she can refer you on to someone else. I agree that you probably don't want a councellor to just have a general chat to... but what about DBT? From what I remember you live not so far away from a fairly major hospital. That hospital might well have DBT. You might be able to do that through them. That really would be worth looking into. Ask your p-doc about once weekly. Or about once fortnightly. Once fortnightly with once weekly when you hit crisis could work out good. if you don't ask you are unlikely to get...
> She told me that she wasn't stressed out by me. She said that I was only worrying myself!
LOL! Deja vu. I think Dr Bob has said something similar ;-)
> I like how she keeps boundaries like that. I like how she never seems upset with me or freaks out. Once I took a mini OD and told her about it but she didn't freak out. She did make me throw the pills out in her office though. She made me throw out the cough syrup I used a while ago too.Yeah. I know what you mean. It can be really helpful just to be able to be matter of fact about some things. And you should be able to be even more so with your clinician than you are here. Because you don't have to worry about triggering your clinician.
> Heehee, I love babblers. You guys help socialize me. I learn things that are obvious to other people but not to me!I feel like that a lot too...
I don't think everyone knows it all. Everyone has something to offer someone else... I've learned a lot here too.> >It is just that i can continue some semblance of functioning while inside everything is falling apart. life is still hell quite a lot of the time. but i can continue to function mostly...
> Wow, that is quite a feat! I wish we didn't have to deal with those episodes in the first place.
Amen to that.
>You seem very together to me and you have very good insight. Do you think maybe your problems are more based on nature rather than nurture?
Thanks. At times... I do well at times. But I still have times where I fall apart. Like you do... I think my problems... Oh I don't know. I guess I was just pretty sensitive and generally demanding... And my mother was pretty insensitive and generally demanding herself... And so it is a combination of my having intense emotional states and inability to regulate them (cause they don't seem to do it by themselves and I haven't really learned how to regulate them myself). A little bit of nature... A little bit of nurture...
> > but i needed a lot of support to do that. you will get there.
> I certainly hope so!I *know* you will
:-)So...
Sorry to be a pain...
But are you going to ring her??????
Let me know what she says.
Posted by Deneb on August 1, 2005, at 0:47:08
In reply to Re: I *need* to do well in school » Deneb, posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 22:43:54
> > I'm curious about all those p-docs people talk about who are all about meds. So far I haven't met any p-docs here who are like that.
>
> Probably because you have been dealing with mental health providers in an academic environment rather than in something comperable to community mental health...Hmmm...maybe I'm too quick to generalize on this. I've only seen one p-doc long enough to know her treatment methods. Another I saw a long time ago, he said he was mostly a talker. Then I saw like 3 in the hospital...not sure what they are like. The guy who decided I should be locked up was not very nice...he seemed nice, but once he got me to say "ok", he quickly left with the two residents who were with him to observe...it sure was scary! I politely asked them if they would like to site down cuz they were like towering over me and staring at me! I wonder if there was anything I could have said to *not* get locked up...boy did I try to convince him! It obviously did not work because he got the nurses to take away my stuff and watch over me after he left! I left my room when the nurse went away and then they brought me back and I wasn't allowed to leave the room. I still get a little angry over losing my freedom like that.
> Yeah, I think they learn how to do therapy. Not sure how much time they spend on that vs learning about meds and physical exams and filling in compulsory assessment and treatment papers and discharge papers and defending ones decisions in court ;-)
That's brave of your p-doc to decide to defend his decisions in court! I don't think my p-doc can lock me up, she doesn't have hospital privileges. Isn't there someone here at Babble who is studying to become a p-doc? Maybe she/he can shed some light on what they learn.
> And maybe she can refer you on to someone else.I won't mind that, but it would be a pain to have to explain everything again to the new person. By golly it sure was a pain to repeat my version of *why* I OD'd over and over and over again!
> From what I remember you live not so far away from a fairly major hospital. That hospital might well have DBT. You might be able to do that through them. That really would be worth looking into.
That's kind of scary though. I went there two times (I think) I was super scared and embarrassed to even be in a psych hospital. I don't know if I could do something like that. I keep thinking that others must think I'm a crazy person or something. The p-doc there was nice though, he's the talker.
> Ask your p-doc about once weekly. Or about once fortnightly. Once fortnightly with once weekly when you hit crisis could work out good. if you don't ask you are unlikely to get...
I'm just going to take things one step at a time. :-)
> > She told me that she wasn't stressed out by me. She said that I was only worrying myself!
>
> LOL! Deja vu. I think Dr Bob has said something similar ;-)Oh dear! What have I done? I didn't mean to compare them that way!
> Yeah. I know what you mean. It can be really helpful just to be able to be matter of fact about some things.Yep, definitely. It's great that she didn't make a big deal out of my ODs. She just made me throw away the pills. This means that she thinks it is a bad idea for me to OD and that I shouldn't do it.
> I guess I was just pretty sensitive and generally demanding... And my mother was pretty insensitive and generally demanding herself... And so it is a combination of my having intense emotional states and inability to regulate them (cause they don't seem to do it by themselves and I haven't really learned how to regulate them myself). A little bit of nature... A little bit of nurture...
I think it's great that you can see patterns of how your past affects you today in an objective way. Me, I haven't been able to find much of anything yet to explain the way I am.
> So...
> Sorry to be a pain...
> But are you going to ring her??????
> Let me know what she says.I will phone her tomorrow. I'll get the answering machine because it is a holiday. She won't call me back herself.
Deneb
Posted by alexandra_k on August 1, 2005, at 1:06:19
In reply to Re: I *need* to do well in school » alexandra_k, posted by Deneb on August 1, 2005, at 0:47:08
> That's brave of your p-doc to decide to defend his decisions in court!
LOL! I don't think he had a choice! If you section someone under the mental health act for compulsory assessment and treatment for... I think it is 14 days or more (in NZ at any rate) then you have to go to a hearing with a judge and the person being sectioned and their advocate / lawyer. I think he used to spend 2 half days in court per week...
>Isn't there someone here at Babble who is studying to become a p-doc? Maybe she/he can shed some light on what they learn.
If you mean cubic_me then I think she is still doing the general medical stuff...
> I won't mind that, but it would be a pain to have to explain everything again to the new person. By golly it sure was a pain to repeat my version of *why* I OD'd over and over and over again!Yeah. They might not want to talk about that specifically though. I haven't talked to anyone about my last attempt. Nobody asked me why.
> That's kind of scary though. I went there two times (I think) I was super scared and embarrassed to even be in a psych hospital. I don't know if I could do something like that. I keep thinking that others must think I'm a crazy person or something. The p-doc there was nice though, he's the talker.Yeah. What I'm thinking is that they may offer outpatient programs. Either located at the hospital or at some community centre. They might have an outpatient unit too. So you could work with someone from there. They might even offer DBT. You might not even have to set foot on the hospital grounds. Either way outpatient treatment is very different from inpatient treatment.
> > Ask your p-doc about once weekly. Or about once fortnightly. Once fortnightly with once weekly when you hit crisis could work out good. if you don't ask you are unlikely to get...
> I'm just going to take things one step at a time. :-)
Oh yes. Make an appoitment to see her first.
> > > She told me that she wasn't stressed out by me. She said that I was only worrying myself!
> > LOL! Deja vu. I think Dr Bob has said something similar ;-)
> Oh dear! What have I done? I didn't mean to compare them that way!I just mean that it seems to be a theme that you give yourself a harder time than other people do. And that you can be frank without worrying about triggering clinicians. Babblers can be a bit different in that respect...
> Yep, definitely. It's great that she didn't make a big deal out of my ODs. She just made me throw away the pills. This means that she thinks it is a bad idea for me to OD and that I shouldn't do it.Yup. I think it does mean that. Also that she doesn't want you to do it. And you can tell from her behaviour that she cares about you. All that is good. When things get real tough and you can't continue on anymore... Sometimes you might find that you can continue on for somebody else if that makes any sense.
>Me, I haven't been able to find much of anything yet to explain the way I am.
Okay. You will figure out something that makes sense to you. Eventually... ;-)
> I will phone her tomorrow. I'll get the answering machine because it is a holiday. She won't call me back herself.:-)
Let me know how you go.
Posted by Ilene on August 1, 2005, at 18:25:02
In reply to I *need* to do well in school, posted by Deneb on July 31, 2005, at 1:00:43
> My grades are a disaster...they are either A's or D's it seems.
>Oh boy, I can relate to this. I either got A's or incompletes or dropped out. I did the best in school when my depression was better, for whatever reason.
> There is something seriously wrong with my brain at times...I just CANNOT concentrate on anything like studying during those times.
>My brain is still fried! I can't concentrate on reading or other detailed work.
> When I feel good, studying is not a big deal and I actually remember things! I find I don't even need to study that much if I just go to all of my classes. It's amazing! I feel so good about doing well and I feel smart too. I'm utterly amazed that I have the ability to be at or near the top of the class when I can concentrate and study. All that time I thought I was a complete and total idiot who probably could not finish university.
>
> When I feel badly, I write notes for hours and hours and I cannot retain any information! I don't think I'm even studying! I just cannot *think* or something! It's horrible! This just CANNOT happen again! This happens every year and my academic life is going to be absolutely screwed if I don't fix whatever the heck is wrong with me quick!
>
> I cannot learn when I'm messed up!
>That sounds a lot like depression.
> I got a brief glimpse of what I'm capable of doing and now I have to repeat it! I just cannot believe how I screw up my grades with my instability...is it even worth it anymore? Aaahh...my life is over! My GPA is messed up! I'm never going to get my B.Sc. I'm never going to get into grad school. I'm never going to get a job.
>
> Aaahh! I'm freaking out! What's going to happen with my life? What the heck am I going to do? I really messed things up!
>
>
>I basically flunked out of college, but then went back and did it over. I did better in grad school. I found there are a lot of people who messed up big time, then pulled themselves together and got an education.
I found something about BPD that says meds might help sometimes, but emphasizes psychotherapy:
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx10t.htmThe "you" that comes across in your posts sounds a lot more together than the description of people w/ BPD. I think this is a good sign. You have some perspective on your condition. It's helped me to realize that my depression is a disease, and my feelings don't necessarily reflect reality.
Good luck!
I.
Posted by Deneb on August 1, 2005, at 18:56:26
In reply to Re: I *need* to do well in school » Deneb, posted by Ilene on August 1, 2005, at 18:25:02
> Oh boy, I can relate to this. I either got A's or incompletes or dropped out. I did the best in school when my depression was better, for whatever reason.
I'm glad I'm not alone. :-)
It's good to know things worked out you. :-)
Maybe I have some hope after all.
> That sounds a lot like depression.I don't know what it was but all I know is that I'm totally preoccupied with death during those times. I spend hours and hours researching methods rather than studying. :-(
It's difficult to study for a midterm when one thinks one is going to die in the next couple of months anyways. One of the reasons why I decided to drop the whole of my previous semester was because I had sort of planned exam day as THE day. :-( I think maybe that sort of thinking is dangerous.
> I basically flunked out of college, but then went back and did it over. I did better in grad school. I found there are a lot of people who messed up big time, then pulled themselves together and got an education.I haven't flunked out yet, but I'm starting to think that perhaps a redo will be wise. I don't think I've learned enough in the classes I did poorly on. I don't want to "just pass"...I want to do well!
I'm just going to be slow to start life...there is not much I can do about that...maybe it is not so bad. I'm in no rush to head out there!
Sometimes I wonder is some small part of me wants to prolong school as long as possible because I'm too afraid of the real world?
> The "you" that comes across in your posts sounds a lot more together than the description of people w/ BPD.
Thanks!
Deneb
Posted by Deneb on August 1, 2005, at 19:38:58
In reply to Re: I *need* to do well in school » Ilene, posted by Deneb on August 1, 2005, at 18:56:26
Posted by alexandra_k on August 1, 2005, at 19:59:14
In reply to Re: I *need* to do well in school » Ilene, posted by Deneb on August 1, 2005, at 18:56:26
> Sometimes I wonder is some small part of me wants to prolong school as long as possible because I'm too afraid of the real world?
LOL! I'm not going anywhere... PhD's take a LOOOOOOONG time and then one can always pick up another subject ;-)
Posted by Deneb on August 1, 2005, at 20:02:24
In reply to Re: Sorry, trigger above ^ (nm), posted by Deneb on August 1, 2005, at 19:38:58
Eeek...is it possible to trigger onself?
I just went to the "bad" ng again...after not going for a long time.
Deneb
Posted by Deneb on August 1, 2005, at 20:10:42
In reply to Re: Oh no, think I triggered myself!, posted by Deneb on August 1, 2005, at 20:02:24
and it said I was going to die by ****ing!
I know it is a silly little quiz, but it's almost like a sign or something. I seriously hope I'm not losing it again!
Deneb
Posted by Deneb on August 1, 2005, at 21:12:29
In reply to Re: I just took this quiz about methods..., posted by Deneb on August 1, 2005, at 20:10:42
Reading about methods is not really that interesting to me right now. It's not exciting anymore.
Deneb
Posted by JenStar on August 1, 2005, at 23:36:36
In reply to Re: No, I'm not losing it again :-), posted by Deneb on August 1, 2005, at 21:12:29
hi Deneb,
you're going to be OK! :) I have confidence that you will do well in school. And I hope you have lots of fun, too!JenStar
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