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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 46. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by widget on April 1, 2010, at 17:41:07
What do you do if your therapist seems to enbody all the characteristics of the man you always wanted? Why does this keep comming up with me? I am wondering if I like to suffer!
I do not want to have sex with him; I just wish he really loved me. That's it.
Its been over 7 years in therapy; 5 of which involved these feelings I have. He may call it transference but it is love. I guess I need to accept him as he is; trying to do his job and be ethical. In fact, I do, except for the part where he would have strong feelings for me but, of course, nothing is allowed to happen. I feel just so miserable; I should never have brought it up. The fact that I did must mean something, but what? I am troubled and tired.
Posted by blahblahblah on April 1, 2010, at 18:05:13
In reply to Dilemma in Therapy, posted by widget on April 1, 2010, at 17:41:07
It may not be transference, but how much do you really about your T. In the sessions with you he would put on his therapist face, where he is caring, empathetic, understanding. etc. Who wouldn't want that in a partner. The thing that makes it hard though is you don't know what he is like outside of therapy. He may be a totally different person. I know that in my job (teacher) I have to put on one face for the job, and no one knows about the mental illnesses I battle with away from the job. I am a different person. Just something to think about.
Posted by widget on April 1, 2010, at 18:58:13
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by blahblahblah on April 1, 2010, at 18:05:13
Thanks for the response. I believe he is genuine. I don't think it can be faked or else he should win an Academy Award. I appreciate that you wrote to me! Thanks.
Posted by rnny on April 1, 2010, at 20:46:36
In reply to Dilemma in Therapy, posted by widget on April 1, 2010, at 17:41:07
I felt this way intensively about a male therapist who led a group therapy I was breifly in. All I could do was think about him and how I would love to be married to him, have sex with him and everything. The group therapy didn't help at all. I was too taken with him. And I am not kidding either. I didn't consider it transference. It was "him" I was interested in. Not him the therapist.
Posted by widget on April 2, 2010, at 0:30:38
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by rnny on April 1, 2010, at 20:46:36
Thank you, runy, I totally understand how you felt. And no amount of words (by the therapist) will change this!
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 2, 2010, at 10:34:55
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by blahblahblah on April 1, 2010, at 18:05:13
I totally get it. I have been in love with my t for 6 years. The feelings have never changed. Too long a story to go into here.
Feelings are real. I read once: "the only place we call love by another name.....is in the therapy room."
Sassy
Posted by widget on April 2, 2010, at 11:32:58
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy » blahblahblah, posted by sassyfrancesca on April 2, 2010, at 10:34:55
Dear Sassy, Thanks for the supportive message. I have followed your posts and have some idea what your story is. So, what should I do with these feeling which seem quite real to me? My therapist, when I brought this up yesterday, was very serious and said he could not do anything unethical. Well, I knew that. I guess what I really want is to know if he has any romantic feelings for me and I do not expect them to be acted upon. However, I am guessing even saying that would be unethical for him. And, maybe he just doesn't have those feelings! He said we would talk about it on Monday. I don't know what to say! It has surely triggered feelings of rejection and sadness. I wonder if I brought it up so he COULD reject me, sort of as a punishment for naughty desires. Thanks!
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 2, 2010, at 13:45:24
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by widget on April 2, 2010, at 11:32:58
(((Widget))): If he is any good at all (empathic, et), he will handle it well. I needed to tell my t (6 yrs) ago, because I felt like I was hiding something. I am not comfortable talking about what is going on between us, but, but I will Babble mail or e-mail: wacalice@aol.com
Sassy
I have years of "stuff"
With all of the research I have done, some suggest it isn't a good idea to let a client know of the t's feelings.....unfortunately, my t has involved me in his struggle with his feelings for me. Remember, feelings are not right or wrong, they just ARE and should be honored and valued and heard.
Posted by Raindancer on April 2, 2010, at 13:54:36
In reply to Dilemma in Therapy, posted by widget on April 1, 2010, at 17:41:07
No, it isn't transference - it is love. But it is therapy love, and it hurts because it cannot exist in any real way outside the room. The therapy relationship is like no other and things are shared between you that it would often be impossible to share with anyone else. This makes it very important to us. The chances are that taken into real life, it wouldn't work - too many complications. My T is my rock and when I can't be with him, which is most of the time, I carry the thought of him inside me, and always will. Take care of yourself and warmest wishes
Posted by Willful on April 2, 2010, at 15:31:00
In reply to Dilemma in Therapy, posted by widget on April 1, 2010, at 17:41:07
Hi. I was wondering if you've brought it up in the past.
The thing is, you didn't go into therapy because you were in love with him; so this isn't your core problem. You need help with whatever inspired you to start therapy.
Whether it's love or transference-- or whether there's any difference between them-- (and to be honest, you don't know what your therapist would be like on a day in/day out basis-- and no matter what lovely qualities he has, he undoubtedly has many annoying, disappointing, and even infuriating qualities)-- really isn't the issue.
The issue is that he won't act on them-- I would hope-- and to the extent that they're on your mind constantly, you undoubtedly have other issues underneath this-- which cause you to obsess about someone who's unavailable. And it's these issues that probably have a lot to do with why you sought therapy in the first place.
So it seems that you need help with whatever is underneath the focus on his love/non-love-- This really is not about your love, or his love-- because no matter what, you wouldn't stay in such an unfulfilling relationship, if there weren't some deeper problem that's keeping you there.
Even if he were in love with you and did have sex with you, those issues wouldn't be dealt with-- and that would be tragic.
Willful
Posted by widget on April 2, 2010, at 15:54:47
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by Willful on April 2, 2010, at 15:31:00
Yes, I have brought this up before, about 5 years ago. It was when I was first smitten and it was much more intense then. I did want to have sex with him, run away with him, marry him, whatever. It was extremely painful to go through. Now, however, I think I just want to know if he has any romantic feelings for me. I am thinking he will never tell me. I want to know why that would be harmful. Believe me, I do not expect to have sex with him! And, yes, I am married and do love my husband. But, nobody in this world understands and knows me like my therapist. This is what makes him so special. He is the type of person I hoped to find. My husband is a more logical, linear type. I know how much he loves me and truly needs me. I love him, too. But, there is something so very seductive about being truly understood and accepted as is. And, that's it. Love is love. Can you tell me your opinion about whether it would be detrimental for him to tell me if he has any feelings for me? If so, why? It would help me to understand this situation better to know this answer. I feel I am deeply in a power struggle with him to get what I want. I am tenacious when I want something and this I want very badly. Does it mean there is some issue underneath it all? Maybe. My father was completely rejecting of me and I do not think he loved me. I was a burden. What a joy to be told I am a diamond that was never before appreciated!
Frankly, this whole feeling of such unconditional acceptance is new for me. And, I like it! Its like I never tasted chocolate before, then I do, and I want more. Thanks for the response. I am completely safe with him.
Posted by emilyp on April 2, 2010, at 17:50:19
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by widget on April 2, 2010, at 15:54:47
Maybe another way to think about this is not how your therapist feels but how your husband might feel if he learned what you are seeking. You say that the two of you love each other yet you seem so intent on finding out whether someone else has feelings for you. What if the tables were turned and your husband was seeking such information from another woman? Would that hurt you or have an effect on your marriage?
I don't mean to be critical, but I think you should carefully consider how you are reacting to the situation. Whether it is love or transference, the point is that your therapist is not available. Your husband is. It does not mean that you cannot have a very meaningful and productive relationship with your therapist. But you also need to put it in its proper place. Many patients feel as you do; almost all get over it. Don't let your need to know have a negative impact on the relationship with your therapist or the relationship with your husband (or both). Also, just because certain individuals have allowed the patient - therapist relationship to progress to a point where such feelings are expressed does not make it right. Don't think simply because one person has learned of a therapist's feelings you are entitled to or should hear your therapist's thoughts.
Posted by widget on April 2, 2010, at 18:22:38
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by emilyp on April 2, 2010, at 17:50:19
But what is wrong with knowing the feelings of the therapist? I really want to understand.
Posted by emilyp on April 2, 2010, at 19:56:43
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by widget on April 2, 2010, at 18:22:38
1. You did not answer the question about how you would feel if the tables were turned. Do you really think you would not feel hurt?
2. Is it possible that if you ask, you would be putting a lot of pressure on your therapist? If you really love him, do you want to exert that pressure? (And in this case, you cannot fall back on the excuse that I read on this board a lot - that therapy is intended to make the patient feel better, not the therapist. The therapist has no obligation to tell you.)
3. Why do you need to know? Will you feel better about yourself, superior to others? You need to ask yourself that because it seems as if you don't know.
4. How will you feel if he does not have the same feelings for you? What if he does not have any feelings for you, beyond as a patient? How will that affect your relationship with the therapist? How will that make you feel about yourself?
5. What are you going to do if you know? Do you know for sure you don't want things to go beyond just knowing.
Unless you know the answers to all these questions AND you think the answers are harmless, then maybe you have the right to know. But if you cannot honestly answer each of these questions, then perhaps it is indicative of why you should not ask.
Finally, if the above does not work, maybe remind yourself of the saying, "you cannot always get what you want." That is life. I would like to win the lottery, but guess what, it will probably not happen. Kids don't always understand this, but as an adult, I would think you should.
Posted by emmanuel98 on April 2, 2010, at 20:42:09
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by widget on April 2, 2010, at 18:22:38
What is wrong with a therapist telling a patient that they have romantic feelings toward him/her is that it destroys the "as if" nature of therapy. Therapy is a place where you explore your feelings and what they mean to you. Not where you explore the therapist's feelings. My therapist was always willing to say that he liked me, cared about me, wanted me to get well, appreciated how hard I worked, but he would never tell me that he had fantasies about me. If he had that would have destroyed the safety of therapy. Suddenly the therapy becomes about your mutual feelings for one another and not about you.
My therapist had nothing but contempt for therapists who couldn't adhere to this simple boundary. I understand it also because I am a teacher. Occasionally I found a student particularly attractive, but I didn't express this or talk about this because it would change the nature of the relationship and make the relationship unsafe for the student.
Posted by Daisym on April 3, 2010, at 2:16:00
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by emmanuel98 on April 2, 2010, at 20:42:09
I've been following this thread somewhat sadly. So many shoulds, should nots...
I think you already know that what needs to happen is an exploration of why it is so important for you to know his feelings and why right now? Why at this point in your therapy?
It makes perfect sense to me that it is important to know if he could care about you given that he knows ALL about you. Being held in someone's mind, having this secure attachment, is a really big part of forming a stable, solid self-core. He knows that your loving feelings are very real - the rules about what you do with these feelings are different. But being allowed to love someone intensely, with all the good and bad parts of you and without shame, is another way in which you will build strength into your core self. Kids figure out that they are cared for by another, even when they aren't with that person, usually by how they were treated. As adults, we don't always assume this to be true - so we ask questions. We don't trust our own perceptions. I believe that all questions should be allowed in therapy - but they may not all be answered.
And I will respectfully disagree with whomever said this isn't the issue you came into therapy for. Presenting issues rarely are the core work that needs to be done -- sometimes, but usually it takes a great deal of work and trust to dig down to this type of deep work. My therapist tells me often that "this" - my mistrust of our relationship, my fear of my needs, especially for him, my inability to believe that I matter - "this" is the major part of me that is in therapy.
It is a really painful place - and probably loaded with lots of old stuff. Good luck Monday.
Posted by widget on April 3, 2010, at 8:26:05
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by emmanuel98 on April 2, 2010, at 20:42:09
Thank you. What you said makes sense. I wasn't seeing this as a boundary issue but slowly am coming to believe it is. And, that is why I will never get a direct answer to whether this man has special feelings for me.
I do love my husband and have come to believe I can love two people at the same time. I don't mean to act on it but these are just my true, gut level feelings.
Posted by widget on April 3, 2010, at 8:33:58
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by emilyp on April 2, 2010, at 19:56:43
In answer to question 1, I would feel very hurt if the tables were turned. You seem angry that I have this issue. It is just that, an issue. I am sorry if I have upset you in some way. I am trying my hardest to understand myself in this. And, I'm quite sure he (therapist) does not have "special" feelings for me. He has said the same things to me that the other poster, Daisym, wrote about her therapist. I am a psychologist and am amazed at my feelings and wonder what is going on. Frankly, I think my feelings are "breaking through." I can assure you this will not hurt my relationship with my therapist. He will not tell me what he does not think is appropriate to tell me.
Posted by emilyp on April 3, 2010, at 10:34:38
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by widget on April 3, 2010, at 8:33:58
I am not angry in any way. While I am sure you will disagree, I just find it selfish on your part, both as it relates to your husband and your therapist. (Perhaps the only thing that is 'personal' to me is that I do not tolerate selfish behavior.) A poster made reference to kids. We are not kids, we are adults. And to be an adult, you should learn that life is not simply what we want but should actively consider what others think. Several people on this board think therapy gives you the right to be selfish and care mostly about yourself. Perhaps that is true in the therapists office - I don't believe that is true outside the office. But obviously you do, so ask whatever you need. I hope you find what you want.
Posted by Willful on April 3, 2010, at 11:29:35
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by Daisym on April 3, 2010, at 2:16:00
Since I believe that was part of my point, I have to respectfully say that I didn't suggest that the need to have someone's therapist be in love with them is not the surface manifestation of an issue. But I also think if you get stuck on discussing that--if or when the therapy becomes primarily thinking about, or discussing whether or how the therapist loves you-- rather than continuing the other work-- you won't discover the issues underneath or around it, or come to understand the deeper scenarios of need and desire that are represented by it.
No one, certainly not me, is doubting that we need to feel valued and cared about by our therapists, or have a secure attachment.
My concern is that if you start talking about your desire for love, and have spent years focussed on it, in a way that disrupts the other work of therapy, you'll be caught in a web of confusion and continual questioning. The questions about love and caring are always there--perhaps-- but if the therapist's actions and presence haven't been sufficient to give that assurance, simply getting an"answer" won't either. Of course, it's an issue to discuss at times-- if we're talking about the security of the attachment--,, possibly even a lot, if done from the point of view of wondering why or how it's so up for grabs in your mind and what in your history or present created/or creates it-- When it's about "having feelings" of the type that I think widget means, a lot of suffering and even harm lies down that path. Again, that's not to say that the issue can't be usefully and even crucially discussed-- but only to say that if the discussion only revolves around "how do you (the therapist) really feel" it isn't a a long term strategy for growth or healing.
Willful
Posted by widget on April 3, 2010, at 16:16:33
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by Daisym on April 3, 2010, at 2:16:00
Dear Daisym, Thank you for you kind and thoughtful response. My therapist would agree with you that anything can be discussed in therapy. He has told me that the worst thing to do in a situation involving "transference" (his words, not mine) is to NOT talk about it. According to him, that is when it is most likely to be acted out.
I do not see myself as selfish and hope I would not label others as I have been labelled. I am really trying to work this out. I am very respectful to my therapist and my husband.
Thanks for the good luck wish on Monday. I do believe all will be well.
Posted by Daisym on April 4, 2010, at 20:07:30
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by widget on April 3, 2010, at 16:16:33
I guess what I'm most struck by is the notion that you are choosing to have these feelings - that you are being "selfish" (to quote Emilyp)by choice - on purpose. As if your therapist is "just" another man that could be compared to your husband - like you would ever be so intimate with another male in any other situation. As if you wouldn't change how you feel if you could.
This is what needs to be worked through - it needs to be understood in the context of you, your history and all your other relationships. I'm glad you have such a safe place to struggle with this. I hope you don't let the way you've been labeled deter you from the struggle. It sounds so important.
Posted by widget on April 5, 2010, at 7:10:54
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by Daisym on April 4, 2010, at 20:07:30
Dear Daisym, Thank you so much for your validation. No, I am not choosing to have these feeling. In fact, I told my therapist I wish is could simply have this part of me "cut out", surgically, of course. I can only tell you that the feelings are compelling yet I do understand what makes therapy safe. And, I do know my therapist is totally safe.
I have been rather dreading today's session. Yesterday was a tough day as the time approached.
I'll let you know what happens and know that it will not be as big a deal as my imagination is making it. You have been a godsend. Thanks for being there!
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 7, 2010, at 10:10:11
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy, posted by widget on April 5, 2010, at 7:10:54
((Widget))): As i told my t: i certainly didn't go into therapy (it was for a church dispute), hoping I could complicate my life by falling in love with him.
7 years later, the feelings are the same.
It would have been better for ME, if he had never let me know of his struggles with his feelings for me.
Posted by widget on April 7, 2010, at 10:15:35
In reply to Re: Dilemma in Therapy » widget, posted by sassyfrancesca on April 7, 2010, at 10:10:11
Dear Sassyf, If you feel you can tell me, why did that make it more difficult for you? I would really like to know to apply it to my situation. Thanks so much for sharing!
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