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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 36. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 20:11:19
It was a hard decision but... He doesn't have time for me. He said he would save me a time for when I came back. I kind of knew that one time (aka once a week) wasn't enough. I guess I figured that we might do that for a couple of months, though, until another slot opened up for me. But turned out that even though he did save me a time (in the sense that he didn't have anyone regularly booked in this one particular spot) his receptionist basically booked it out with 'once off' appointments until a couple months after I'm back. So... Basically nothing for a couple months (unless there are last minute cancellations and I can get in at that time) and then once a week. And I know from experience that once a week ends up being once a fortnight more often than not with conferences and people getting sick and so on and so forth and... It isn't enough.
I've asked him for a referral. Not sure how likely it is that I'll find someone else who will be able to see me twice a week anytime soon. But still... I can't deal with the longing for more. I have it badly enough when I am seeing him twice a week (which turns into once a week more often than not). He seems... Surprised, I guess. Didn't really seem to understand that this is what is going on. Just saw that I was mad with him about something... But the thing is that he basically doesn't have time for me.
This is kind of old, huh. Just like my Dad, really. Nice enough (when I was a kid at any rate - and even as an adult, I guess) but just... Not really having the time to give me. Nice enough... But basically kinda hopeless. Well intentioned and all... But just not enough for me. My t needs to (at least try) and give me to someone who has more time for me. It isn't enough. I... Feel kinda blah. Was so excited about coming back... About seeing him again... Several weeks on... He isn't there. I feel... Dropped. And just kinda blah. If I hadn't contacted him at all about continuing to see him... Would he have missed me at all? No. I really don't think he would.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 21:41:13
In reply to I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 20:11:19
It is like he thinks that I live in a box. That I just kind of curl up and that I'll be okay when he isn't around. And then when he has the time to interact or play with me then I can go in to see him. And then when he can't get in because he is having time off or whatever then I'll be okay. I'll be just fine. I'll just curl up and live in my box for a while. Or something weird like that.
Like when he has two months off and he thinks that he can just tell me that that is the plan and then that is that. And I'll be okay. Just go curl up in my box for a while. He doesn't need to ask me how I'll be for two months without him. He doesn't need to ask me whether I need someone who I can contact if things don't go well. I'll just curl up in my box and be fine.
And... Its not okay. Its not.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 23:59:21
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 21:41:13
Though he sent me 50 valium. 50 valium. To help me cope. Thanks a lot.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 0:04:49
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 23:59:21
Still, thats about 50x more than what Bobo does when he puts you in the box now, isn't it Kel?
Posted by Phillipa on June 14, 2009, at 0:06:45
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 0:04:49
Sorry about the therapist. Phillipa.
Posted by Dinah on June 14, 2009, at 0:09:50
In reply to I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 20:11:19
:(
It seems so especially upsetting because I know how much you were looking forward to seeing him.
It's a shame that he isn't more aware of what's going on with his appointment bookings. Does he work at a clinic?
If I understand correctly, he kept a space for you at one time a week, but his staff filled that space?
Did your experience with your temporary therapist make you feel more confident about finding an acceptable therapist other than this one?
I keep thinking there must be a way to fix it. But I suppose the fact that he didn't make an effort to fix it is the issue.
Posted by garnet71 on June 14, 2009, at 0:11:00
In reply to I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 20:11:19
Alexandra, this sounds horrible!!! This guy sounds like an *ssh*l*! "oh I'll appease her with 50 valiums".
turn this around- make it into a situation where you find the therapist of your life. If this guy hadn't been a jerk, you would never find the therapist who would cure you...he/she is out there.
I honestly never paid much attention to these conversations about Ts--until I became attached to one. Now I understand! It sounds so awful...I think you will get through this and I think you will find someone who is better for you as a result of this situation. I really do.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 1:40:27
In reply to Re: I fired my t » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on June 14, 2009, at 0:09:50
he said that he deals with 'regular slots' (who gets them etc) but that his administrator needs leeway to book in 'extra' or 'once off' sessions or whatever and that he didn't realize how far in advance she had booked up that time.
i feel... foolish. i was really looking forward to seeing him, yeah. arms open waiting to be picked up. and he just turned away basically. or didn't even notice i was there. or something. whatever. for me... that is the most deeply humiliating most shameful thing in the world. to be there with arms open waiting and for that... the whole thing to have turned out to be some kind of cruel joke really. and that was what it was. i feel foolish for believing in him. for thinking he was there. i hate myself for needing my image of him to be what enabled me to keep going when i didn't even exist for him anymore. i feel... totally dropped. he dropped me. it hurts. and i don't know how many months ago that happened. maybe the whole time i was gone. and i didn't even notice. and it hurts.
he doesn't have time. other people are booked in. he doesn't have time for me. and there it is.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 1:45:38
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 1:40:27
and of course my image of my father was what enabled me to go on for the 7 years between when he left and when i ran away and ended up being put in a foster home. for 7 years i held onto my image of him caring for me. when he didn't. didn't think much on me at all. foolish... but i waited for 7 years. until i was 14. old enough then to make my own way in the world, i guess. but even then some get out much earlier. there are kids on the street at 12 without family there too. i guess i didn't know that. they would have eaten me alive. i waited for him.
and now he went and died on me. and i went back. figured he would have stuff he wanted to say to me before he went. he had nothing to say. my aunt (against my will) told him that i was disappointed that we hadn't had the chance to talk. he came out to mumble something along the lines of 'sorry about that i've lived a good life my time has come'. he had nothing that he wanted to say to me. he... didn't know me at all. he didn't want to. i don't feel like i knew him at all either. guess my stepmother made him up at the funeral and so on. wasn't about him at all. was about her image of him.
there is nothing to be done.
t didn't pull through for me on that one either. would have talked to me (skype) but 'too busy'. he doesn't have time.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 1:47:09
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 1:45:38
i never really did grieve properly for him. had grading to do... they could only give me one week they said. i made them give me a week and a half. it did not feel right to be writing comments on student essays when my fathers funeral was being held. i waited really though. until i was back. with my friends and social supports here. with my t. and he's not even there for me. people suck.
Posted by jouezmoi on June 14, 2009, at 9:19:09
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 1:47:09
Alexandra, I know how you feel. I think most of us have felt that at sometime or the other. Seems that some real father transferene is going on there.
Really, these T's are just human, too. There greatest fault is trying to help everybody and actually thinking that they can. They overbook all the time. They promise to call and don't. They spread themselves so thin across so may people that they end up doing an injustice to not only their clients, but themselves. They forget that they are not God.
I am sure he wants to help you, along with all his other clients, but he is only one person. He is not God. He can't be everything to everyone, everytime. And, he is not your father.
I hope you find someone else, but I have seen so many of them, and they all have the same problem ... time. In the beginning thet try harder to make the time, but as time goes by, it becomes harder.
Posted by BayLeaf on June 14, 2009, at 10:43:42
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 1:47:09
holy moley alex, you've been through toooo much. that T needs a kick in the butt. I'll gather a posse to TP his house, K?
So sorry you are aching in several ways.
Hugs, Bay
Posted by twinleaf on June 14, 2009, at 11:04:47
In reply to I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 20:11:19
The way you describe him, he sounds well-intentioned, but not sufficiently focussed on his patients-not just you I'm sure-to make sure that he can give each one as near as possible what he/she needs.He may not even have thought about that very much. What happened does hurt an awful lot, but it is not about you at all; it has to do entirely with his own limitations as a therapist.
It sounds as though he has some real limitations- you wouldn't want to have to keep bumping up against those years into the future, especially if you go to med school and have a variable schedule of your own. There really ARE committed therapists out there who will keep you in mind and really care about what is best for you. For example, the one i have will try very hard to give me a make-up appointment the week before or after he goes to a conference. One time, he scheduled me in at 8 in the evening! The "keeping in mind" is at the top of the list of what he wants to do for his patients, and it has had a very strong and positive effect on me..
Right now, you have a chance to interview a number of therapists. You know much more about what you need now than you did a few years ago, and, because you have gotten so much better, you are a desirable and promising client. I hope you will interview lots of them and choose very carefully!
Posted by Deneb on June 14, 2009, at 17:14:38
In reply to I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 20:11:19
Sorry to hear that Alex. It sounds like it was a hard decision to make. He really let you down.
I think he really cares though. Like another poster said, T's spread themselves too thin. It sounds like he cares more than my pdoc.
He broke his promise though and that must really hurt.
I hope you take care of yourself right now. We care about you too. I think you can find another T.
Posted by emmanuel98 on June 14, 2009, at 18:24:56
In reply to I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 20:11:19
I don't understand. Did he not have any time for you or was it only that he can't see you twice a week?
Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 19:12:11
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by emmanuel98 on June 14, 2009, at 18:24:56
nothing until the end of july (unless people cancel last minute and i can get in) and then only once a week.
part of the trouble is that i'm in a small city (not really a city). so not many people. didn't take me long to scan through the 'psychotherapy' and 'psychiatry' sections of the phone book. there simply aren't many. on the upside my p-doc doesn't occur in either place so i guess that means that there are more out there.
i've sent out two email inquiries. see what happens, i guess. feeling very fragile. need to work. i hate it how i work best when i'm happy. i wish i was like all these people who could just focus their hurt and upset into their work. think how productive i'd be. need to at least read these two articles today. then ready to write tomorrow. major deadline coming up and i really can't afford to blow it. i so want to just curl up... who knows how many weeks it will take for various people to get back to me in unhelpful ways. sigh.
Posted by backseatdriver on June 15, 2009, at 8:41:32
In reply to Re: I fired my t » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on June 14, 2009, at 0:09:50
You did the right thing. The guy sounds hopeless. Not you, though. Good luck with your search! Therapists are a dime a dozen, and the good ones even show up for work most of the time.
BSD
Posted by alexandra_k on June 16, 2009, at 11:20:51
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 19:12:11
he's done the referral. so i guess that is it then. consensus: he doesn't have time for me. and there it is.
of course it is still an open question whether anyone else has time for me. i'm not optimistic. i know that there is a significant shortage of health professionals here. i know that the majority of people who seek health professionals here have a much larger disposable income than me.
i might well end up with nothing.
and there it is.
Posted by Deneb on June 16, 2009, at 13:08:33
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 16, 2009, at 11:20:51
((((((((Alex))))))))) That must be hard. I'm going to cross my fingers for you and hope you find a great T to work with.
Posted by Phillipa on June 16, 2009, at 20:02:43
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 16, 2009, at 11:20:51
Alex I'm really sorry. Maybe come back here? Love Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on June 17, 2009, at 22:21:09
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 16, 2009, at 11:20:51
Its hard to know if I'm ruining things by pushing him away. Putting him in the position where there isn't anything that he can do but refer me on. Or whether I'm basically facing up to the fact that he simply doesn't have adequate time to offer me. Whether we are best to face up to that fact and I'm better to try and find someone else. I can't tell whether I'm f*ck*ng this up unnecessarily or whether it is time for us to face the facts. I can't tell.
I guess the ball is in his court. I can't tell. I've told him how I feel. Now it is up to him.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 17, 2009, at 22:23:57
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 17, 2009, at 22:21:09
He said in one of his emails that he had an 8am spot for tomorrow. I haven't said I'd take it. I don't know if he's saved it for me. He said it would be good if I could come in to see him at least once more. I said it would only hurt more. He hasn't reminded me about the spot. I wonder if I should just turn up. Would it be too magical to just turn up? If he didn't save it for me / someone else is there / he isn't there then I guess he really doesn't think / care about me. If he is there then... Well it doesn't mean that he cares. Necessary but not sufficient. I don't know. I'm heartbroken over this. Really. Disintegrating since I've come back. Horrible empty feeling.
Posted by Dinah on June 17, 2009, at 23:09:50
In reply to Re: I fired my t, posted by alexandra_k on June 17, 2009, at 22:23:57
Well, you know I trend to keeping relationships that are important.
I'd go in and see him and see if you could work something out. offering you that session seems like something a caring therapist does. If he didn't keep that one, maybe he could offer you another.
Good therapists don't just come along that often. I really like the relationship you had with him. Isn't it worth doing whatever you can to reestablish it, even if he screwed up and let you down?
Posted by alexandra_k on June 18, 2009, at 10:16:42
In reply to Re: I fired my t » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on June 17, 2009, at 23:09:50
he emailed me. something about 'id be happy to see you in the future if you change your mind' which is of course an indirect way of his saying 'i'm not planning on your coming in tomorrow i didn't save you a place'. its over. he doesn't mean it. he says 'our relationship is worth preserving' but he won't actually work to preserve it. 'if you decide to come and see me again' 'do you want to see me again' 'i didn't realize that you wanted to come and see me again'... i thought it was my paranoia but turns out that all that... was indeed his trying to dissuade me from wanting to see him again.
and another one bites the dust.
what is it about me such that therapists get sick of me so? 'i wish you well' (get the f*ck away from me). what is it about me?
i know what it is. i don't idealize enough. i'm not grateful enough. i'm not happy enough in their presence. i can't be. thats the nature of my sickness. i can't be. I CAN"T. I"M DOING THE BEST I CAN AND ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH> AND I HATE THE WORLD SO THAT I HAVE MOMENTS OF PLEASURE MOMENTS OF HOPE THAT PREVENT ME KILLING MYSELF WHEN IT WOULD BE SO MUCH KINDER FOR ME TO JUST DIE: I HATE MYSELF SO
Posted by alexandra_k on June 18, 2009, at 10:19:53
In reply to Re: I fired my t » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on June 17, 2009, at 23:09:50
i want to send him parts. maybe the tip of my little finger.
maybe my little toe.
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