![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 4:45:57
Here's why I'm a f*cking moron.
1) muffled posted about her T going away and how hard it would be
2) I did not consider the fact that my own T is going away for 3 weeks and will be out of the country. i/e out of touch.
3) I thought I was strong enough to handle it.
4) pdoc is going out of town for 10 days too
5) I'm writing my dissertation
6) I've been having flashbacks of increasing severity
7) I don't want to have bad feelings about my T leaving me
8) I DO have bad feelings about my T leaving me
9) I'm directing them inwards. forgetting to eat. forgetting to sleep. forgetting to take pills
10) self-destructive thoughts are like flies and I'm getting weary of fighting them off. They've started to land and are laying eggs. Soon there will be maggots writhing through my rotten brain
11) I'm a f*cking retard for not considering this until now.
12) I'm a f*cking retard for emailing pdoc. I've already given up on T helping me.
13) T warned me I might have strong feelings about her letting me down.
14) T got a substitute T to cover for her (particularly for my f*cked up case)
15) I have been having a lot of very vivid memories and nightmares of abuse lately
16) T has been taking notes for the last 4 weeks.
17) I think I'm f*cked. royally f*cked.
18) A few more missed pills and I could end up in the hospital
19) I few too many pills and I could end up in the hospital
20) Too much stress in my life right now. I have deadlines. *note* deadline has the word 'dead' in it for a reason
21) I've packed my bag to go to my office today.
22) There is no place where I can rest at home. I haven't slept for more than an hour or two in a row for 3 days now.
23) I've packed toiletries.
24) There is a hospital near my office. maybe I'll go spend some quality time there. I'm terrified of it, though.
25) There is no safe place for me. screw my post above. I cannot make my mind stop whirling. Thus. even the calmest place is very very scary and dangerous.
26) I don't know what to do anymore.
27) I'm waiting for the first bus run of the day so that I can go to the store and buy some juice and a smoothie because I haven't eaten more than a muffin in 2 days.
28) I may be getting my roommates cold/flu
29) Sometimes I have incredibly lucid moments of high affect, and they last for hours and then I crash. My moods are unstable
30) that's a good place to stop. pack toothbrush. klonopin. headache medicine. geodon. but not too much. just enough.
and I DON'T want you to worry about me. I just needed to distract myself for 15 minutes. because the bus comes later on saturday am. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want people to know I exist today. I want to be invisible and powerful and throw curses at my enemies. problem is that my enemies are all in my head and so I end up with a lot of self-destructive curse-throwing. I've developed some better coping mechanisms than I used to have though.
fake love
fake hugsout.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 6:05:20
In reply to I'm a f*cking moron *lotsa triggers*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 4:45:57
I got to my office all right.
I think I'm doing something dangerous by walking around my urban neighborhood in the predawn. It was exhilaratingly scary. Made me want to keep walking. but here I am. locked in my office. don't need to worry about anything other than myself. If I'm smart, I'll call my T sometime soonish. If I want to hurt myself, I know how to do that too. If I want to quasi hurt myself- say, by not eating sleeping or resting... well. That's what I'm already doing.
At least I'm not dissociated, though. the Llurpsie is still hanging on. swatting flies left and right, but she hasn't given up yet.
Okay. maybe I'm a little dissociated. but I'm not completely untethered to the here and now.
I think there's work to be done. otherwise why would I be in my office?
Posted by Happyflower on March 10, 2007, at 8:12:14
In reply to I'm a f*cking moron *lotsa triggers*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 4:45:57
Llurpsie,
Is there anything I can do to help you? I would love to deliver some eggs benidict (half order) and a big almond cresent to you this morning.
You are up early and at the office , that is much better than some of can accomplish,sooooo eat some breakfast. I am sure not eating and sleeping and taking your meds is part of making you feel so terrible. Do the basics, girl, you know that. Call your T! Or call me if you still have my number. I will be at the gym and after I work out I will studying in the lounge around 11 am. If you need me call me, I will babblemail you my number. I really do care about you.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 8:19:53
In reply to Re: I'm a f*cking moron *lotsa triggers* » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 6:05:20
thanks for virtual-breakfast happyf
will you burn a few calories for me? you are so good with your gym stuff.
I just got off the phone with T. she's gonna check up on me later this afternoon.
and tonight we talk about all the thoughts that I have when I want to hurt myself.
8 am. the library is officially open. I'm almost done in my office and then I'll go claim a comfy chair on the 4th floor reading room and doze a bit.
and maybe maybe there is an almond croissant for me. not today though. today juice is about all i can manage.
i do have your number still. thanks. I probably won't call, because i don't like to talk to people when I'm in a bad mood. but thank you for the gesture. it means a lot to me.
-Ll
Posted by Poet on March 10, 2007, at 10:35:26
In reply to I'm a f*cking moron *lotsa triggers*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 4:45:57
Hi Li,
Stress, stress and more stress is what you're experiencing, this does not make you any type of moron. Wish I could help you destress, but I know I can't be a substitute T or pdoc or do that dissertation for you unless it's in film history. Hope the nap helped.
Poet
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 11:09:17
In reply to Re: I'm a f*cking moron *lotsa triggers* » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Poet on March 10, 2007, at 10:35:26
The nap did help. I think I want to go to Target and do some retail therapy.
I'm going out of town for spring break. I need some more mossimo tee-shirts. they are good for layering and are thin and stretchy and cheep and cool. best of all is that they aren't cropped and won't show my blubbery tummy.
i think i will get going in a bit. just wanna wrap up some things at the office. I will finish working on this section I'm writing and then go.
yes the nap DID help.
Posted by jammerlich on March 10, 2007, at 11:19:24
In reply to Re: I'm a f*cking moron » Poet, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 11:09:17
Llurpsie, you should definitely go to Target! I love walking the aisles there. It's like a super-drug. Be sure to check the endcaps in the make-up and toiletry sections to see if they have anything extra good on clearance!
Posted by Phillipa on March 10, 2007, at 13:18:56
In reply to Re: I'm a f*cking moron » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by jammerlich on March 10, 2007, at 11:19:24
Lurpsie please read my babblemail right away. Love Phillipa
Posted by Honore on March 10, 2007, at 17:18:42
In reply to Re: I'm a f*cking moron, posted by Phillipa on March 10, 2007, at 13:18:56
Hey, Llurps.
Sorry there's nothing I can think of right now (I'm pretty moronic myself).
All I can think to tell you is that you will get through this. You're not a moron, you're like the rest of us-- you think you'll be okay until suddenly you aren't. It's like our memories tend to be primed by what we're feeling at the moment-- if good, good; if not, not.
Maybe you and your T can talk through contingencies, and strategies for her absence. Do what you need to do, even if it does mean the hospital, or another T. Three weeks is a long time, I know.
You sound as if you're making progress despite all the disruptions and inner turbulence. Just roll with the waves, or dive underneath the high ones. You'll come up on the other side.
Honore
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 10, 2007, at 18:44:43
In reply to I'm a f*cking moron *lotsa triggers*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 4:45:57
so smack me!!!!
Glad you can write like this. Its good. Blast off some of that stuff swirling in your brain.
I think you SO doing the right things despite all whats going on.
I dunno bout some hosp., hosp here is not great, but not so bad either. You can just chill and take a break and give the meds a chance to stabilize and have someone feed you proper meals, and its boring as hell so you can sleep, and if they see you pacing they hand out drugs like candy to let you sleep. I think for my local hosp, if you go in with no particular expectation of help, but just a chance to regroup in a safe place, well then its OK. Dunno how yours is.
I am not worrying about you so much as wishing to come alongside and somehow offer you some support somehow in this tough time. So don't worry bout me.
Have you met the interim T yet? It might be nice to know who they are.
Your not royally f*cked so much as having f*cking bitch of a time of it right now. And it totally sucks, but it WILL pass. That sounds so trite, but its the truth.
Take care,
Keep on babbling to us.
Posted by Honore on March 10, 2007, at 21:01:11
In reply to Re: I'm a f*cking moron » Phillipa, posted by Honore on March 10, 2007, at 17:18:42
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 21:02:51
In reply to Re: I'm a f*cking moron *lotsa triggers* » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 8:19:53
so, I suppose that you have made it to the end of my miserable thread.
well here we are. I've got a slamming headache. and I'm happy to hear that the hospital is good for pacing. so far I've been pacing in my apartment. here and there. picking up dishes and garbage and other detritus.
another load of laundry is done.
one moment please. i go hang it up to get a fresh load started.
my head is full of whizzing buzzing flies. the ones attracted to the scent of rotten meat.
I *know* that there are things I can do to be safe. But the problem is that there's nothing I can do to FEEL safe. That I cannot make my mind calm down long enough to think straight. When I do have moments of clear thought. I try to grab them too hard, and I probably strangle them.
I'm doing the right things. Like talking to T and writing down my feelings. but I'm scared for me/of me
I had several major psychological stressors this week.
1. found out that T and pdoc are going away at the same time. I knew about T but pdoc was a surprise.
2. found out that my aunt (who is a good mom) had made arrangements for me and my little brother to move in with her family. and that my mom declined. that makes me so sad. i wish that things had turned out differently. that was always one of my backup plans. that someone would rescue me and protect me from the chaos of my violent household. my mom. why didn't she get it? why couldn't she just have tried it out for a few months? :'(
3. Set the date for my dissertation draft and my defense. I neglected to account for mental breakdown.
4. I think when I'm happy I forget and when I'm in a dark mood. I forget too. And I can't really help myself sometimes. I wonder though.
5. This is my one year anniversary for admitting to myself that I had major depression. My one year anniversary for seeking treatment. It's always in the back of my mind. how far I've come, and yet how cyclical life is. How sloppy I looked today. The familiar feelings of waking up when it's still dark out and not knowing what to do with myself.
Posted by Phillipa on March 10, 2007, at 21:58:32
In reply to whizzing and buzzing, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 21:02:51
Lurspie you're doing great and look at what you accomplished today despite the way you feel. You went into work, got out of bed a big deal to me, took a nap, the busline in a major city. And you're taking the steps to remain safe. I would not like being alone. I have to be honest about that. As take fluffy kitty to bed and snuggle up tight with her. And get some sleep or try to. Love Jan ps I'm always available.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 10, 2007, at 22:50:18
In reply to whizzing and buzzing, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 21:02:51
LL,
So are you OK to goto hosp if you feel so scared?
Has your T called back?
Can you express the out of control feelings you having?
In a way it sorta sounds like a massive anxiety attack.
I remember one time feeling so scared. My mind was so spinning, and I kept looking at my sis (we were riding in the back of a car together), and I WANTED to tell her that I was going insane, but I couldn't speak, could'nt even think of what words to say, all the while thinking of approx a hundred other things, and wondering what I might do next, whether I'd just start screaming, or whether I looked funny, and why in the hell did noboddy notice that I was screaming out of control?
Sigh.
But it did eventually ease up some the next day. Took awhile to pass, but it did.
And I was never able to tell anyone.
But I survived, I did.
So I sorta understand some of the unsafeness.
And thats where hosp can be good.
They can slam ya with some major tranques, and feed you up, and you can zombie out a bit, and its OK.
Mebbe you can ask T which is best hosp, so you can feel you going to a good place.
And if you can admit yourownself, then you can pretty much leave too when you want.
Somenurses are kinder than others. You'll figger them out if you not too zonked. I had a male nurse who I swear to this day was an angel. And some kind females. A coupla jerkettes. Wasn't so bad.
Anyhow did you talk to T again?
Take care,
muffled
Posted by scratchpad on March 11, 2007, at 10:26:18
In reply to whizzing and buzzing, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 21:02:51
Llurpsie, how are you today?
Is today a better day for you? I've had some bad days recently, and didn't feel like I could even post about them. I'm glad that you write this stuff out here.Please wave your hand at us.
Scratchie
Posted by Daisym on March 12, 2007, at 1:48:15
In reply to Re: I'm a f*cking moron » Poet, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 11:09:17
Sounds very much like you've fallen into a crisis phase. The overwhelming sense of darkness and fear as your defenses against knowing the unknowable crumble is almost intolerable. Almost...but it isn't. You are doing all the right things to help yourself. Take it slow. Some days all you can do is breathe in and out. Other days you will feel more "normal" and work will flow and life will go on. I wish I could tell you it was a smooth, straight path. But there are times, kind of like now, when I wonder where the hell the path even is.
I'm sorry your therapist is leaving. It is very, very normal to have a crisis just prior to vacations. I'm not sure all the reasons why, but perhaps it is to prove how much we need them and to make sure they come back. Will you see the person who is covering or is this just for emergencies?
I hope your are doing OK tonight. Check in when you can.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 12, 2007, at 8:43:26
In reply to You will be OK » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Daisym on March 12, 2007, at 1:48:15
hi everyone,
yes, I did have a crisis, and i think I'm out of the pit, as muffled has written about.I got in touch with my T and we talked about it (I had big messy crying on the phone and probably made her late, but whatever.
The main thing for me to do to take care of myself is to take care of my feelings.
That's the lesson I'm learning now. Take care of Llurpsie's feelings and the noodle will be okay.
that means I am working on this stuff:
1) that I have feelings
2) that I acknowledge having feelings
3) that I put words with my feelings (because otherwise they end up manifesting themselves as self-destructive feelings and actions)
4) the thoughts that run through my head with those feelings
5) the triggers for those feelings
6) the source of the thoughts that accompany the feelings
7) whether my feelings take place in a context of identifying with someone else (like my mom, or the tantrum kid upstairs)
8) writing about my feelings to give them a voice and to share that voice with T, pdoc, babble, myself. writing helps me organize my thinking
things that I should try to avoid1) too much numbing of feelings (like by making myself overbusy-manic-anorexic; or by tuning out in front of the TV, or retail therapizing)
2) too much generalized anxiety ABOUT having feelings (this is manifest in my picking and other icky self-injurious behaviors)
3) running away (because it's not good to run away from home when home is the safest place to be at 4 am on saturday)
4) sleep deprivation- makes everything more fragile
5) lying to myself, even optimistic-type lies. Like "I will be able to finish this chunk of work in X hours". realistic expectations are key.and a new coping technique I learned for extreme circumstances. taking a sleeping pill and my benzodiazepines. I took the sleepy pill as prescribed and the bzd at a somewhat higher dose than usual, although still at a reasonable dose.
and a new coping technique I learned for less-extreme circumstances. riding a bus to Target. the shopping was *okay* but the bus ride and the scenery and the people on the bus were really good for me to get out of my shell of introspective misery.
so, yoo hoo! here I am. I'm going to go take my BZD again. not a high dose, just an anti-anxiety dose. I don't like having the sleepy feeligns, but I don't really like having self-destructive generalized anxiety either. I wish to feel mellow and focused. is that SO much to ask?
oh well. (waving her hand goodbye now)
-Ll
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 12, 2007, at 13:27:08
In reply to waving my hand (mild triggers), posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 12, 2007, at 8:43:26
Mellow and focussed is good, but for some of us it very uncomfortable cuz we NOT USED to feeling that way......so we kinda WANT to be somewhat antsy, cuz thats our comfort zone, whats normal to us....don't mean its good, just we goto get USED to mellow...
I remember a poster who's T said something like 'your used to operating like someones got a gun to your head' (or something like that).
I related to that. Many years of hgypervigilance etc, is hard to change quickly.
Many years of repressing emtions makes it hard to even recognize them anymore...
Its a slow process to creep thu all this dysfunctional stuff so many of us seem to have built up.
But its doable.
We just goto give ourselves credit for how we gotten this far.
And not kick our *sses for not 'getting there'(whatever THAT means) faster.
Its a process.
We working at it.
Yup.
YAYYYY Babblers.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 12, 2007, at 14:28:24
In reply to Babblers, lets cut ourselves some slack...., posted by Iwillsurvive on March 12, 2007, at 13:27:08
> Mellow and focussed is good, but for some of us it very uncomfortable cuz we NOT USED to feeling that way......so we kinda WANT to be somewhat antsy, cuz thats our comfort zone, whats normal to us....don't mean its good, just we goto get USED to mellow...
yeah... I remember the first time I ever took klonopin I HATED it. I felt like I wasn't en garde and it was like being drunk in public without a designated babysitter.
I remember telling pdoc-- I never felt mellow like this before. Is this how people feel? And he smiled. I said "I don't like it. I don't feel like doing anything, just like sitting and looking out the window" and he said that I probably got addicted to feeling anxiety and that I wasn't really used to doing things because I *wanted* to, and then conveniently referred me to my therapist when I protested.... but how do I know what I WANT??? I never had to think about that before!!!!
> I remember a poster who's T said something like 'your used to operating like someones got a gun to your head' (or something like that).
> I related to that. Many years of hgypervigilance etc, is hard to change quickly.
> Many years of repressing emtions makes it hard to even recognize them anymore...
> Its a slow process to creep thu all this dysfunctional stuff so many of us seem to have built up.
> But its doable.
> We just goto give ourselves credit for how we gotten this far.
> And not kick our *sses for not 'getting there'(whatever THAT means) faster.
> Its a process.
> We working at it.
> Yup.
> YAYYYY Babblers.YAY babblers. My T spent about 5 minutes in a straight monologue telling me what a wonderful human being I was and I couldn't even stop crying. hmph. but I've come a long way into being able to recognize what my strengths are. It's so hard to trust other people before we trust ourselves, but it's necessary sometimes.
So, I guess I'll trust all you kind babblers, whom I respect and care for very much and if you have well-wishes for me then I'll have to respect them too and try to allow myself to feel complimented.
best,
-Llurpsishly
Posted by Phillipa on March 12, 2007, at 15:46:45
In reply to Re: Babblers, lets cut ourselves some slack.... » Iwillsurvive, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 12, 2007, at 14:28:24
Li well guess I have to do it too as I'm doing some of that withdrawing too but the opposite all I want to do is sleep and getting fatter and fatter can you lend me some hormones? They will help I think. Yeah pdoc said take lunesta with other benzos but no I'm weaning off as sleeping too much and gotta ride the bike and see people and trust that they wont find out Im a fruit cake. Well I don't like cake so a fruit is okay. I trust my neighbors and a lot of babblers good people. Love Phillipa
Posted by widget on March 12, 2007, at 16:12:15
In reply to Re: Babblers, lets cut ourselves some slack.... » Iwillsurvive, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 12, 2007, at 14:28:24
Thank you for your insightful quote about being used to operating like we have a gun to our head. That is exactly how I usually feel but never identified it so well before. And, it is hard to let down the "guard". Feels like real bad stuff will come out at me. But, it's also very tiring and takes a lot of attention. It's so nice that some other people understand. Widget
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 13, 2007, at 20:30:42
In reply to Re: Babblers, lets cut ourselves some slack...., posted by widget on March 12, 2007, at 16:12:15
My homework:
when I feel like hurting myself I'm supposed to ask myself:
"Who am I mad at"
"Why am I mad at them"and when I feel like nothing is safe and all frantic manic panicked
"What am I afraid of"
"How can I be less afraid"
I had a pretty intense session with my T today. she was really good though. told me what I can do to keep myself safe. I think it's gonna be okay. not fun, but okay.best,
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on March 13, 2007, at 21:06:36
In reply to I got some homework **triggers**, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 13, 2007, at 20:30:42
Li that sounds like good advise I think I will apply it toward myself too. Love Phillipa
Posted by scratchpad on March 14, 2007, at 10:57:29
In reply to I got some homework **triggers**, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 13, 2007, at 20:30:42
I'm glad your T gave you some tools to help you keep safe. Those come in handy at any time, you know!
Sticky hugs to you,
sp
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 15, 2007, at 22:34:08
In reply to I got some homework **triggers**, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 13, 2007, at 20:30:42
> My homework:
>
> when I feel like hurting myself I'm supposed to ask myself:
>
> "Who am I mad at"
> "Why am I mad at them"
>
> and when I feel like nothing is safe and all frantic manic panicked
>
> "What am I afraid of"
> "How can I be less afraid"
>
>
> I had a pretty intense session with my T today. she was really good though. told me what I can do to keep myself safe. I think it's gonna be okay. not fun, but okay.**Geeze for me those would be TOUGH questions...
Hope you doing OK Ll.
Take care.
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.