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whizzing and buzzing

Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 21:02:51

In reply to Re: I'm a f*cking moron *lotsa triggers* » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 8:19:53

so, I suppose that you have made it to the end of my miserable thread.

well here we are. I've got a slamming headache. and I'm happy to hear that the hospital is good for pacing. so far I've been pacing in my apartment. here and there. picking up dishes and garbage and other detritus.

another load of laundry is done.

one moment please. i go hang it up to get a fresh load started.

my head is full of whizzing buzzing flies. the ones attracted to the scent of rotten meat.

I *know* that there are things I can do to be safe. But the problem is that there's nothing I can do to FEEL safe. That I cannot make my mind calm down long enough to think straight. When I do have moments of clear thought. I try to grab them too hard, and I probably strangle them.

I'm doing the right things. Like talking to T and writing down my feelings. but I'm scared for me/of me

I had several major psychological stressors this week.

1. found out that T and pdoc are going away at the same time. I knew about T but pdoc was a surprise.

2. found out that my aunt (who is a good mom) had made arrangements for me and my little brother to move in with her family. and that my mom declined. that makes me so sad. i wish that things had turned out differently. that was always one of my backup plans. that someone would rescue me and protect me from the chaos of my violent household. my mom. why didn't she get it? why couldn't she just have tried it out for a few months? :'(

3. Set the date for my dissertation draft and my defense. I neglected to account for mental breakdown.

4. I think when I'm happy I forget and when I'm in a dark mood. I forget too. And I can't really help myself sometimes. I wonder though.

5. This is my one year anniversary for admitting to myself that I had major depression. My one year anniversary for seeking treatment. It's always in the back of my mind. how far I've come, and yet how cyclical life is. How sloppy I looked today. The familiar feelings of waking up when it's still dark out and not knowing what to do with myself.


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poster:Llurpsie_Noodle thread:739737
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/740019.html