![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 69. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 7:59:22
Hi, all. This will be my last post, and I will explain. First of all, these quotes:
Do my words seem to include, or do they exclude?
Will my words bring healing and peace?
Should these words be spoken? Now?
Are my words true? Kind?
Can my words anticipate a need?
Will my words help another?I think these are words...for life.
I couldn't sleep last night for thinking of what has gone on here, so decided instead of just leaving without a word, to say my thoughts. I may be repeating a few things, so please be patient.
When I started here I mentioned my 2 websites on a couple of postings. Someone criticized me for that (or it felt like criticism); they were "disconcerted" because I posted the sites. I let it go, but it caused me to feel bad.
The old: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" is a motto I try to live by. If I don't understand, or disagree, I remain silent. After all, knowing the difference between "their" stuff and my stuff is a big key in relationships.
I mentioned my feelings for my t, and that he asked me a question ("would you go for it, if I gave you the green light"?)...I then said I bought a green light bulb...and it seemed a huge controversy was started.I was shocked. I assumed a trigger warning would be for really horrific things: rape, suicide, abuse, etc., etc....
It never occurred to me that anything said about a t would be a problem.
I feel that if I cannot voice my thoughts, opinions without the fear of criticism, then this is not a safe place to be for me. I've spent my whole life (except for 3 years in the army) being told that every thought, feeling or action I said/took was wrong.
I'm processing 31 years of abuse, and attempting to heal from it (doing amazingly well), and getting used to being alone. It is a scary, but necessary journey...it is also a lonely journey.
I've had to let go emotionally, of everyone that should have loved me (mother, husband, 2 children, a whole church family).
My friends have become my family. I share everything with them, but my "real" family ignores me (slight pity party, LOL)
It is ironic, because I have spent my life helping/counseling abused women, etc. I am excruciatingly careful with my words
Being that I've lived a lifetime of verbal abuse......I mentioned that I am divorced after 31 years of abuse, but no one said a word. I've been used to handling my "stuff" all by myself ...all of my life
This is not a criticism, but an observation, and I was puzzled by that.
My faith, and wicked wit and sense of humor has gotten me thru life. WIthout my sense of humor, I would be drooling in a corner somewhere.
I realize I am a free-spirit, and I assume (incorrectly) that people will "get it" and not be offended.
To encapsulate: I grew up abused, married an abuser (31 years/38 yrs in all), got the divorce then experienced a kind of abuse I had never heard of: Spiritual Abuse (my church of 31 years voted me out because of the divorce)
That's when I found my (best t on the planet, I think) who journeyed with me thru the debacle/an expert in spiritual abuse.
He taught me the most valuable words I'd ever heard: "Restorative Justice" This is what you did--this is how it made me feel.
So empowering to someone who always found it near impossible to stand up to anyone ( do it now, even tho it is difficult), because If i do not, it is like abusing....myself.
I have the utmost regard and deepest respect for my t, and he has the same for me. Our relationship is unbelievable; able to be authentic with one another, and he says he "honors that I am able to talk about the hard stuff" Some of that "hard" stuff is my feellings for him.
I've written my memoir: Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice in the world), and have 2 publishers interested. I am amazed and excited.
If anyone is interested, this is the site where I was published (just me and all Ph.D's)www.psychiatricjournal.com...entitled: The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse
My own site: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com (faith-based poems)
I believe we all want, need and expect validation for our thoughts and feelings.
I have said what I have said as gently as I know how, and hope it is seen that way. I would never knowingly hurt or upset anyone....ever.
Thank you for listening.
Regards and smiles,
Ally
Posted by Voce on December 10, 2005, at 11:26:33
In reply to Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another?, posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 7:59:22
<After all, knowing the difference between "their" stuff and my stuff is a big key in relationships.>
That is certainly true!! I had to learn that in therapy. That means that no one is perfect, and I'm not going to have a relationship that is perfect or going to fulfill all my needs. I can still be friends with people who disagree with me. It means validating myself enough so that when people put me down, I have the inner strength to know better.
<I mentioned my feelings for my t, and that he asked me a question ("would you go for it, if I gave you the green light"?)...I then said I bought a green light bulb...and it seemed a huge controversy was started.>
Ally, I hope you understand that your outlook in your relationship with your T is quite different, not wrong neccessarily, just different. It's outside the box. Many of us regard our T's as being too sacred for that kind of verbal sparring. But you and your T are different, and that's okay. If you are healing from what has hurt you, really healing, then I'm not going to judge.
At the same time, I think people get concerned when they hear remarks like that, because they dont hear the entire context of it, and worry that your T might be using you or playing with you. They don't want you to get hurt, and they don't want that to stand as a good example of something to just say to a client out of the blue. There has to be the correct CONTEXT, which I'm sure there was with you and your T, but remember that we aren't privy to that...just what you share with us.
<I was shocked. I assumed a trigger warning would be for really horrific things: rape, suicide, abuse, etc., etc....>It sometimes is....but it's also for things that might bother others. I don't think it's possible to put a trigger on everything that *might* bother someone, otherwise we'd be triggering everything. The civility rules here aren't perfect, but they do help a lot. Unfortunately, sometimes they hinder free expression and cause more red tape than we'd all like.
<I've spent my whole life (except for 3 years in the army) being told that every thought, feeling or action I said/took was wrong.>
I experienced this much of my life as well. I had to learn to validate myself. If you are still learning to do this, I'm sorry that you feel that being here is unhealthy. Unfortunately, IRL, there will always be people to tell us we're wrong or who disagree. There's no getting away from it.
<Being that I've lived a lifetime of verbal abuse......I mentioned that I am divorced after 31 years of abuse, but no one said a word.>
I'm sorry about that. You are very upbeat on the boards, so I'm sorry if we didn't hear that you needed to hear that from us. I'm very sorry about your marriage. It must hurt a lot...and I'm glad you have friends IRL and a T to help you through.
<I realize I am a free-spirit, and I assume (incorrectly) that people will "get it" and not be offended.>
That is one of the great struggles of life--striving to be understood by others. Unfortunately, people misunderstand all the time. And this board, which is an imperfect medium of communication as well. People don't always say what they want to say because they don't have time to write it, or whatever, and there is no reading each other's faces when one writes. I'm sorry you feel misunderstood.
<Our relationship is unbelievable; able to be authentic with one another, and he says he "honors that I am able to talk about the hard stuff" Some of that "hard" stuff is my feellings for him.>
I'm glad to hear that. Falling in love with a T can be one of the most painful experiences of life. I've done it. Heck, I'm still in love with him!!! But I'm glad you are talking to him about it. That is the only way to handle it.
<I believe we all want, need and expect validation for our thoughts and feelings.>
You are right. The hurt happens when we don't get validation. Which is why I've needed to give myself validation. Not to say I don't need validation from others, but I have a quieter inner peace inside myself, patting myself on the back, saying "you did okay."
<I have said what I have said as gently as I know how, and hope it is seen that way. I would never knowingly hurt or upset anyone....ever.>
I believe that. I think we can all learn from each other, which is why I hope you stay. I think it would be quite valuable if you stayed and we all learned to deal with this stuff together.
Voce
Posted by happyflower on December 10, 2005, at 11:48:55
In reply to Re: Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another? » allisonross, posted by Voce on December 10, 2005, at 11:26:33
I understand how you are feeling, I hope you reconcider but respect you if you deceide not to stay active on this site, I will miss you on the boards. Take care of yourself. :)
Posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 12:15:07
In reply to Re: Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another? » allisonross, posted by Voce on December 10, 2005, at 11:26:33
Hi, ((Voce): Thank you for your well-thought out response. I do feel better.
I guess I thought my "context" stuff (I always think others are thinking what I am, duhhhh) was that "they" knew of my feelings/love for my t. We had discussed it a lot, and that the comment "would you go for it, etc." was self-explanatory...point well-taken!
My t and I joke and tease a lot. As I told him, I am processing the divorce thing all week, and when I come in, I just don't want to talk about it (weird, but that's how I feel)
He said something so fascinating. He said that "when kids come in about abuse issues, but don't talk about it, they are STILL talking about it." I understand that.
That's what I am doing now. I always feel wonderful when I leave my t. In other words, I am doing what I need to do to heal and grieve.
I appreciate the thought/concern that I may be...being hurt. To tell the truth, that has happened, but it is much too intricate and detailed to go into now.
Thank you for your lovely words of kindness and thoughtfulness. They are much appreciated.
Smiling always, Ally
Posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 12:17:53
In reply to (((((((((ALLY)))))))))))))))))))))))))), posted by happyflower on December 10, 2005, at 11:48:55
Hey, there! Perhaps I will decide to stay, to just see how many other tornadoes I can cause!
As I tell people in my office, I have so little time, and so many more people to aggravate!
Just jokin' everyone, just jokin here!!
I should probably "trigger" EVERYTHING I say, maybe?
Posted by annierose on December 10, 2005, at 14:20:36
In reply to Re: (((((((((HappyFlower)))))))))))))))))))))))))), posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 12:17:53
You do bring a different voice to this forum and that is okay. If anything, what I "hear" from other posters is worry that you will get hurt, or that your T is sending you mixed messages.
I hope you do stay. I look forward to reading about next Halloween!
Posted by LadyBug on December 10, 2005, at 14:57:59
In reply to Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another?, posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 7:59:22
Ally,
My saying is always "Take What You Like and Leave The Rest!"
So if you or anyone else ever says something I don't particularly like, I don't have to agree with it nor let it bother me. I'm not always going to say things that other people will not agree with. And that's ok. We are all trying to do the best we can.
I hope you will stay around. I think you're sweet, but I can also relate to going away as some groups have ended up being not for me so I left.
I think anyone can say anything they want as long as they are not attacking another member in the group.
So I will give you a "Green Light" bulb to do what is best for you.
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by fallsfall on December 10, 2005, at 15:47:22
In reply to Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another?, posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 7:59:22
Ally,
I'm glad you posted and didn't just disappear. I almost started a thread to you yesterday, but I'll put my post on your thread, if that's OK with you. I wanted to tell you that I thought that things seemed to be changing with your relationship to the board, and I thought they were positive changes.
You have often said "What do you think about me?". I would like to answer that question. Please know that my answer is from my perspective only and that I have fond feelings for you and would never want to hurt you.
I've been on Babble for 2 1/2 years, so I've seen lots of posters come and go. What struck me about your first post was the expansiveness of it. You laid out your life story for us (with references). I found that a little unusual for a first post on Babble, but I wasn't quite sure why. On one hand, I felt like you were saying "Well, I'm here. Now go do this homework (read my sites) so that you will know all about me." I'm sure that's not the way you intended it to come across, but that is how *I* read it. You would also give your life summary in many different posts. Posts that you started, posts that you were responding to. But it was always the SAME summary. There were no details, almost like you had a rote message that you wanted to deliver. So I would read that and say "OK, she had a rough life." and I would wonder how it was affecting you now. It also almost seemed to me like there was a contest to see whose life was worse. Our lives are not in competition, our pain is not in competition. If you have pain then I will give you compassion. If I have pain, then I hope that you will give me compassion. Pain isn't something that can be compared - we often say that just because one poster's pain is not as severe, or not as expected, or warranted that doesn't diminish that poster's pain. Everyone has a right to their pain, and to compassion. So I didn't want to play the "whose life has been worse" game. I don't think that you intend me to feel any of these things. And my experience may be different from other peoples', so this post is only about my experience (and my experience probably says more about me than it does about you, anyway...).
I did wonder about your life now. You tell us about your past in a very factual way (I don't hear much emotion about your past). And since you don't talk much about your life now, it has seemed to me that you define yourself by your past. (let me give you a little background on me: I have been disabled with depression for 10 years. I very much identified myself as being depressed. That is who I *WAS*. It wasn't something that happened to be happening - it was my identity) With you, it seemed like your past was your identity. I kept waiting to hear about who you are now. What struggles you have now. Where your life is heading now.
And you have started to sound less rote to me in the last week or two. I'm not sure exactly why, but you seem to be putting more of your personal self into your posts. And I like to see that. Because that gives me a chance to figure out who you are. And I want to figure that out.
You have been kind of vocal about being in love with your therapist. It sounds to me like your therapist is trustworthy, and that he is allowing you to bring into the therapy what you feel you need to. And that he is working with the topics that you bring in. I am not scared that he will take advantage of you, nor that you will take advantage of him. It seems important to you to have this upbeat theme in your therapy, and I think that is wonderful. There are others who are not as lucky, however, and I worry that they might read your posts and think that it is OK to be equally forward with their therapists. For some of them it WILL be OK, but not for all. I wonder if some of the other posters would feel more comfortable if you were more vocal about how this is what you need in your therapy, but that you recognize that this kind of behavior could be dangerous for other people who are in other situations. That said, I'm glad that you have something that makes you happy and makes you feel alive. That is critical for all of us. (And I am certainly not complaining that there is a theme to many of your posts - I have a theme myself: mine is ice cream)
So I hope that you will stay around and let us get to know you. I really would like that.
Posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 16:13:18
In reply to Re: Ally, posted by annierose on December 10, 2005, at 14:20:36
> Hey, Annie! Thank you for writing, sweetie!
fYou do bring a different voice to this forum and that is okay. If anything, what I "hear" from other posters is worry that you will get hurt, or that your T is sending you mixed messages.
Actually, that is the truth.
>
> I hope you do stay. I look forward to reading about next Halloween!I will (thankyou)....you don't have to wait for Halloween (LOL), I already have something planned for Christmas!
Going to dance my Flamenco (taking lessons); he asked for a demonstration. I'm a performer, so I love having the opportunity....
Hugs and thanks, Ally
Posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 16:16:15
In reply to Re: Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of anot, posted by LadyBug on December 10, 2005, at 14:57:59
> Ally,
Hey Ladybug, cutie:
> My saying is always "Take What You Like and Leave The Rest!"
Yup!
> So if you or anyone else ever says something I don't particularly like, I don't have to agree with it nor let it bother me. I'm not always going to say things that other people will not agree with. And that's ok. We are all trying to do the best we can.
I know.
> I hope you will stay around.
I will (I have so many more people to aggravate in my life, LOL, LOL, LOL....so little time to do it in, too!)
I think you're sweet, but I can also relate to going away as some groups have ended up being not for me so I left.Something to consider; I will take a wait-and-see attitude.
> I think anyone can say anything they want as long as they are not attacking another member in the group.
That was what I was saying.
> So I will give you a "Green Light" bulb to do what is best for you.
LOL, LOL....that is SO cute!
> Hugs
> LadyBug
Thankyou so much. Hugs, Ally
Posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 16:37:55
In reply to Re: Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another? » allisonross, posted by fallsfall on December 10, 2005, at 15:47:22
> Ally,
Dear (((Fallsfall):Thank you so much for taking the time to spend so much time (LOL) to speak with me. I do so appreciate it.
>
> I'm glad you posted and didn't just disappear.I felt the need to be "heard" (as we all do), and authentic.
I almost started a thread to you yesterday, but I'll put my post on your thread, if that's OK with you. I wanted to tell you that I thought that things seemed to be changing with your relationship to the board, and I thought they were positive changes.
>
> You have often said "What do you think about me?".This is/was meant in a joking manner...I will explain; it's the thing when you talk about yourself a lot...and then say: So, enough about ME, what do YOU think about ME?!
I hope that clears it up. I should have put it in context, I guess!
I would like to answer that question. Please know that my answer is from my perspective only and that I have fond feelings for you and would never want to hurt you.
> Thankyou.> I've been on Babble for 2 1/2 years, so I've seen lots of posters come and go. What struck me about your first post was the expansiveness of it. You laid out your life story for us (with references). I found that a little unusual for a first post on Babble, but I wasn't quite sure why. On one hand, I felt like you were saying "Well, I'm here. Now go do this homework (read my sites) so that you will know all about me." I'm sure that's not the way you intended it to come across, but that is how *I* read it. You would also give your life summary in many different posts. Posts that you started, posts that you were responding to. But it was always the SAME summary. There were no details, almost like you had a rote message that you wanted to deliver. So I would read that and say "OK, she had a rough life." and I would wonder how it was affecting you now. It also almost seemed to me like there was a contest to see whose life was worse.
That wasn't my intention.
Our lives are not in competition, our pain is not in competition. If you have pain then I will give you compassion. If I have pain, then I hope that you will give me compassion. Pain isn't something that can be compared - we often say that just because one poster's pain is not as severe, or not as expected, or warranted that doesn't diminish that poster's pain. Everyone has a right to their pain, and to compassion. So I didn't want to play the "whose life has been worse" game. I don't think that you intend me to feel any of these things.
No, I didn't.
And my experience may be different from other peoples', so this post is only about my experience (and my experience probably says more about me than it does about you, anyway...).
>
> I did wonder about your life now. You tell us about your past in a very factual way (I don't hear much emotion about your past).Perhaps because a looooong time ago, I did my homework at processing all that had happened to me, and made peace with it. There are some things one never "gets over" but from my perspective, just learn to live with, and is a part of your life.
Fortunately, I have a resilient spirit.
And since you don't talk much about your life now,I did that my mentioning my divorce and that I am alone after 31 years of abusive marriage; it has only been 5 months. Perhaps you didn't see that.
it has seemed to me that you define yourself by your past.
No, absolutely not. I rarely talk about any of that stuff, because it IS the past, but occasionally it comes up in conversations, I'll talk about it, so that person feels comfortable and can resonate with my stuff,
and since I counsel abused women, it seems I hear the same story over and over, and then I share mine. Then they know they are not alone.
(let me give you a little background on me: I have been disabled with depression for 10 years. I very much identified myself as being depressed. That is who I *WAS*. It wasn't something that happened to be happening - it was my identity) With you, it seemed like your past was your identity.
No...I guess it's easy to misunderstand words on a screen, but that is not me. Want to know what my identity is? I am a dancer, singer, writer...born that way.
I kept waiting to hear about who you are now. What struggles you have now.
I think the only struggle is the healing from the divorce. I HATE being alone (abandoment issues)
Where your life is heading now.
Well, not sure...I just keep on, keepin' on; one second at a time (not one day at a time); the church issue will always be a painful one, also. That is why my poems on my website was such a miracle of healing (for others too),
so I have always been able to make all the ugliness of my life into something positive.
>
> And you have started to sound less rote to me in the last week or two. I'm not sure exactly why, but you seem to be putting more of your personal self into your posts. And I like to see that. Because that gives me a chance to figure out who you are. And I want to figure that out.
>
> You have been kind of vocal about being in love with your therapist. It sounds to me like your therapist is trustworthy, and that he is allowing you to bring into the therapy what you feel you need to. And that he is working with the topics that you bring in. I am not scared that he will take advantage of you, nor that you will take advantage of him.Well, that is a very long story, but the irony is that I have behaved properly always (always want to be refined, etc)...even tho I can behave any way I want. My t (at times) has bent the boundaries; it is something I should address
but not ready to do that right now.
alIt seems important to you to have this upbeat theme in your therapy, and I think that is wonderful. There are others who are not as lucky, however, and I worry that they might read your posts and think that it is OK to be equally forward with their therapists. For some of them it WILL be OK, but not for all. I wonder if some of the other posters would feel more comfortable if you were more vocal about how this is what you need in your therapy, but that you recognize that this kind of behavior could be dangerous for other people who are in other situations. That said, I'm glad that you have something that makes you happy and makes you feel alive. That is critical for all of us. (And I am certainly not complaining that there is a theme to many of your posts - I have a theme myself: mine is ice cream)
Mine is dancing!!
>
> So I hope that you will stay around and let us get to know you. I really would like that.I will. Lovely ending. Thank you so kindly. I am so glad we got a chance to chat, and come to a better (I hope) understanding. Unless we reflect what another is saying, we cannot really know what is going on, and you did that
beautifully!
Smiles, Ally
Posted by fallsfall on December 10, 2005, at 17:09:20
In reply to Re: Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another? » fallsfall, posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 16:37:55
> > I did wonder about your life now. You tell us about your past in a very factual way (I don't hear much emotion about your past).
>
> Perhaps because a looooong time ago, I did my homework at processing all that had happened to me, and made peace with it. There are some things one never "gets over" but from my perspective, just learn to live with, and is a part of your life.
>
> Fortunately, I have a resilient spirit.
>
>
> And since you don't talk much about your life now,
>
> I did that my mentioning my divorce and that I am alone after 31 years of abusive marriage; it has only been 5 months. Perhaps you didn't see that.
>*** OK, here is where my confusion comes in... You just said that there isn't much emotion because you have already processed your past. So one question I have is, if you have already processed your past, and if it isn't significant to you now (because you have come to terms with how you will deal with it in your life), then why do you bring it up and tell us about it?
*** Yes, I did see that you were divorced after 31 years. I left my husband after 19 years. It is a BIG deal to spend so much time with someone and then have that all change. But when you told us about your past, your divorce was just another thing in the list of things from your past. I guess I didn't see anything that said that you were CURRENTLY suffering from that any more than the other things you talk about. Maybe I wasn't reading carefully enough, but I didn't "hear" that the divorce had an ongoing impact on you. I mean, of course, a divorce is going to have an ongoing impact on you - but you seemed to have it all under control. So it didn't seem like you needed anything from me.
*** I would be interested to hear how it is impacting you. Are you living alone? Do you have IRL friends who you spend time with? Are you relieved to be away from your ex? Do you miss him at the same time? What are you trying to do to aleviate the loneliness? Is it working? How are you trying to cope with it? Is that working? Many of us on Babble are lonely. Some are alone, some feel alone even when surrounded by lots of people. There are people here who will relate to your loneliness. But it is hard to relate to "Divorced after 31 years of abusive marriage" - am I making any sense?
Want to know what my identity is? I am a dancer, singer, writer...born that way.
*** Yes, this is what I want to know. These seem to fit you because you do seem to be outgoing, and dancing, singing, and writing are all ways of baring your soul.
>
> I think the only struggle is the healing from the divorce. I HATE being alone (abandoment issues)*** Many of us will relate to abandonment issues, too. Did you leave your husband, or did he leave you? I find it so interesting that either way, you could feel abandoned. Abandonment is an incredibly complex feeling. What does it mean to you? Do you understand those feelings, or are they confusing to you?
>My t (at times) has bent the boundaries; it is something I should address
>
> but not ready to do that right now.*** No rush. We have lots of time to get to know each other.
Posted by Tamar on December 10, 2005, at 17:36:45
In reply to Re: Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another? » allisonross, posted by fallsfall on December 10, 2005, at 15:47:22
And I doubt I’ll pursue this much farther…
Falls, I’m picking up what you said only because it’s the latest of several posts saying similar things…
> There are others who are not as lucky, however, and I worry that they might read your posts and think that it is OK to be equally forward with their therapists.
See, what I worry is that people will read these threads and think that it *isn’t* OK to tell their therapists how they really feel.
> For some of them it WILL be OK, but not for all.
If you mean that some therapists will take advantage of some patients, I do not believe FOR ONE MOMENT that it happens as a result of a patient confessing to loving feelings, or any kind of flirtation. Abusive therapists MUST be held fully responsible for their behaviour. Any suggestion that a patient’s confession of love or attraction might lead to danger seems (to me) to be perilously close to saying she asked for it.
> I wonder if some of the other posters would feel more comfortable if you were more vocal about how this is what you need in your therapy, but that you recognize that this kind of behavior could be dangerous for other people who are in other situations.
If patients are in danger, it is NOT because they tell their therapists they love them, or behave in a flirtatious manner, or even make direct sexual approaches. It is because their therapists are abusing their trust.
I’m sorry to rant; I feel very strongly that the full responsibility for dangerous situations must rest with the therapist.
Aside from all that, I don’t seem to recall a single person asking Ally *why* she enjoys joking sexually about her therapist, or whether she believes it is helpful to flirt in therapy. I’ve heard many people say they feel uncomfortable reading it, and that’s fine; everyone has their own comfort zones. But I’m surprised that people haven’t expressed more interest in Ally’s point of view...
I could be wrong, and maybe I missed something. I haven’t read every single post on the board.
I really hope I haven’t offended anyone. I certainly haven’t intended to. I’m going to run away and hide now, but I will come back to apologise if necessary.
Tamar
Posted by Poet on December 10, 2005, at 17:51:30
In reply to Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another?, posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 7:59:22
Hi Ally,
If everybody who posted had the same opinions, values and thoughts babble would not be interesting or supportive to me.
I go out of my way in posts to be civil because I constantly worry about doing everything wrong. I'm supportive when I can be, I don't get into posts where I can't be.
I put trigger on posts about childhood abuse because those memories hurt me even when I write about it in vague terms 30 plus years later. I don't think we could put trigger on everything that might trigger a negative reaction in someone else or every post would have to have it. Don't beat yourself up because your posts about your T didn't say trigger.
You seem to have come so far with working through all of the abuse you've suffered. That makes you a good person to have on babble to help those of us trying hard to get through it.
Your therapist and you have a different relationship than mine and I do, but that doesn't make either one right or wrong. I worry that you'll get hurt by your T, but much of that comes from me being unable to accept that anybody would like me and care about me. This includes my T and my husband. I'm cynical and think what does this person really want. Yeah, I know work on that in therapy, but what does T really want? To get paid, I owe for two months, but anyway..
You can't leave babble. You're still taking care of four year old inner me and I might want her back someday.
Poet
Posted by fallsfall on December 10, 2005, at 18:15:43
In reply to OK, here's my problem..., posted by Tamar on December 10, 2005, at 17:36:45
Tamar,
I certainly agree with you. Patients SHOULD tell their therapists how they are feeling. Absolutely.
And yes, if the boundaries slip, it *IS* the therapist's fault, not the patient's. And no, the patient never "asks for it".
But now that we are in agreement, where does that leave an individual patient? I would love to say that all therapists are trustworthy (and I do believe that almost all of them are). I would love to say that therapists will never take advantage of the trust that patients put in them. But I know that this isn't true all of the time. So how do we protect ourselves while being completely vulnerable and honest? This is the dilemma.
Ally's therapist has said that they can have whatever feelings they have, and that it is safe as long as they don't act on them. It is the therapist's job to make sure that neither acts on those feelings. But it *IS* the patient's job to watch out for herself, as well.
I guess that what I hope that Babble can do is to give patients enough perspective to be able to observe what is going on in therapy and know what the warning signs are. And to give them encouragement to protect themselves if the therapist is *NOT* doing his job - i.e. if the therapist starts acting instead of talking. But, that said, they can hurt us without touching us, can't they?
Please understand that I tell my therapist everything (well, even for me that isn't true). This is very complicated. I guess that I think that each of us need to be our own last defense. And the trick of therapy is to push that and trust a little more and narrow that last defense to the minimum that it can be. But I don't think you can ever let that last defense go. Some people have mile wide defenses, some have inch wide defenses. I guess it is important to figure out where you are on that spectrum, and try to narrow your defenses a little more.
So, Tamar, you bring up such an interesting point. How CAN we protect ourselves from unscrupulous therapists, and still be honest in therapy? I don't know the answer.
Posted by sleepygirl on December 10, 2005, at 18:16:14
In reply to Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another?, posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 7:59:22
Hi,
I think your posts and point of view and experiences are quite valuable here. Not everyone will be comfortable with it, but that's OK. People will disagree...that's what they do I guess :-). It doesn't diminish your value, and it certainly doesn't mean you should not be heard. Yeah so sometimes the sex talk makes me less than comfortable...that's OK. I'd rather see the lively discussion. People react strongly to the expression of strong emotions, why should either be wrong when we are "civil" with one another? Reacting does not always equal feeling offended, and expressing strong or controversial feelings would likely be welcomed by many babblers, all of them? I don't know...but that's OK isn't it?
Posted by one woman cine on December 10, 2005, at 20:53:18
In reply to OK, here's my problem..., posted by Tamar on December 10, 2005, at 17:36:45
Hi, Tamar
I wrote you a post above, I hope you get time to read it.
I totally agree with you in that the therapist is 200% responsible, it is never the patients fault. The patient should be able to express whatever they need to express to their therapist (emphasis on this qualifier) & the therapist has to process it properly into something the patient can use.
& I did ask allisonross if I could ask her a question, about this - & I was never answered. i think I asked if I could even ask a question b/c i realized it was a delicate subject and didn't want to storm in like gangbusters. I wanted to know that question you posed; and maybe others. Oh well, no matter.
& I do think it's so important for everyone to express themselves. (I guess see the above post to you...maybe in the thread "gauging comfort levels") Dialogue is so important for many of us that have been silenced or forced into submission for whatever reason. Every voice is important.
Posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 21:10:12
In reply to OK, here's my problem..., posted by Tamar on December 10, 2005, at 17:36:45
> And I doubt I’ll pursue this much farther…
LOL, I am ALREADY worn out!
>
> Falls, I’m picking up what you said only because it’s the latest of several posts saying similar things…
>
> > There are others who are not as lucky, however, and I worry that they might read your posts and think that it is OK to be equally forward with their therapists.Everyone is different and every t and client relationship is different. I would hope that people here in therapy are adult enough to not do or say what works for me.
>
> See, what I worry is that people will read these threads and think that it *isn’t* OK to tell their therapists how they really feel.I agree. As I said before, I NEED to be authentic, and my t says he LOVES that, and my bringing up the "hard" stuff (my feelings for him).It was an excruciating decision to tell him of my feelings
But as I told him; I would have felt sneaky or like I was hiding something if I did not. Told him there was an "elephant in the living room." It is always there, whether we speak of it, or not. He handled my feelings delicately and sensitively; always does.
>
> > For some of them it WILL be OK, but not for all.
>
> If you mean that some therapists will take advantage of some patients, I do not believe FOR ONE MOMENT that it happens as a result of a patient confessing to loving feelings, or any kind of flirtation. Abusive therapists MUST be held fully responsible for their behaviour. Any suggestion that a patient’s confession of love or attraction might lead to danger seems (to me) to be perilously close to saying she asked for it.Right. We are all responsible for our own actions. It doesn't matter what anyone says or does; our reaction(s) are our own responsibility.
>
> > I wonder if some of the other posters would feel more comfortable if you were more vocal about how this is what you need in your therapy, but that you recognize that this kind of behavior could be dangerous for other people who are in other situations.
>
> If patients are in danger, it is NOT because they tell their therapists they love them, or behave in a flirtatious manner, or even make direct sexual approaches. It is because their therapists are abusing their trust.Exactly.
>
> I’m sorry to rant; I feel very strongly that the full responsibility for dangerous situations must rest with the therapist.It is ALWAYS (the behavior) the thrapist's responsibility. They are supposed ot be in control. As clients (we)...as I told my t---can say, or behave any way we want to.
>
> Aside from all that, I don’t seem to recall a single person asking Ally *why* she enjoys joking sexually about her therapist, or whether she believes it is helpful to flirt in therapy.Thankyou, sweetie!
The answer is simple: With my therapist (and in life) I enjoy teasing and joking; am a free spirit in a buttoned down, locked down world, I know. My teasing is always subtle and gentle--never crude or offensive.I’ve heard many people say they feel uncomfortable reading it, and that’s fine; everyone has their own comfort zones. But I’m surprised that people haven’t expressed more interest in Ally’s point of view...
((Tamar))))thanks, again; validation at last!
>
> I could be wrong, and maybe I missed something. I haven’t read every single post on the board.
>
> I really hope I haven’t offended anyone. I certainly haven’t intended to. I’m going to run away and hide now, but I will come back to apologise if necessary.Oh, don't hide, dear Tamar; you are a sweetie, and valued (by everyone) I am sure. MOST certainly---by ME!
Hugs, Ally
>
> Tamar
>
>
Posted by one woman cine on December 10, 2005, at 21:13:35
In reply to Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another?, posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 7:59:22
"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all", to me is a phrase oft told to me by my parents to make sure I was obedient, well-behaved, and always agreeable. Perfect, except it was making me submit to things that were harmful to me as a person. It took away the power of my voice & in my opinion, to all children.
i do think everyone has a right to express how they feel, everyone, no exceptions. I have spent far too long trying to be "nice" and going along with whatever anyone said, even if it made me uncomfortable. I went along (this was my issue way back when) and was essentially taking care of people emotionally at the expense of myself. I'm sure you can relate. So, just like you have to express yourself, I also must do this. Everyone has a right to their own internal truth. It's just healthy. & I think it's hard to not expect people to post about a provocative subject - and I think it's OK to do that.
As someone else said, not everyone is going to agree, that's just a part of life. Just as an aside, as an artist, plenty of people are critical of my work - for different reasons which aren't important, but if I crumpled every time someone said "ah, the direction could've been better, or oh it's too long - you need to edit" I wouldn't be here. & i think you are going to run into that (in my opinion) when you write your book. But I hope that doesn't stop you stating your own truth.
I have already said my "piece" when you said you were leaving before. I can't make anyone to do anything, I realized that long ago. So, I'm kind of disappointed to see you post this.
Posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 21:18:03
In reply to A Rather Long Reply » allisonross, posted by Poet on December 10, 2005, at 17:51:30
Posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 21:28:11
In reply to Re: Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another? » allisonross, posted by sleepygirl on December 10, 2005, at 18:16:14
> Hi,
Hi((sleepygirl)))!
> I think your posts and point of view and experiences are quite valuable here.
Bless you and thank you.
Not everyone will be comfortable with it, but that's OK. People will disagree...that's what they do I guess :-). It doesn't diminish your value, and it certainly doesn't mean you should not be heard. Yeah so sometimes the sex talk makes me less than comfortable...that's OK. I'd rather see the lively discussion.
Cool.
People react strongly to the expression of strong emotions, why should either be wrong when we are "civil" with one another?
I agree. I believe I have always been "civil." I have just stated my own opinions.
Reacting does not always equal feeling offended, and expressing strong or controversial feelings would likely be welcomed by many babblers, all of them? I don't know...but that's OK isn't it?
Yup! Thanks, again, sweetie
Your thoughts and words are most valued!Smiles, Ally
Posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 21:34:24
In reply to Re: OK, here's my problem... » Tamar, posted by one woman cine on December 10, 2005, at 20:53:18
Hi! I did reply to your question about if I minded if you asked me a question. I replied to your whole message, but for some reason you did not get it. COmputer glitch, I guess, I said I would be happy to answer the (any) questions. So ask away (((Cine))).
I never mind being asked any questions. I may not want to respond, but I honor anyone who asks.
I am pretty much non-judgemental, open minded and willing to talk to anyone...about anything. It's that ole free-spirit. I have to sit on her a lot, LOL, LOL
Smiles, Ally
Posted by one woman cine on December 10, 2005, at 21:41:14
In reply to Re: To: (((OnewomanCine )))/Your question.., posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 21:34:24
No PB didn't get the reply at all. How do feel about what I wrote, do you agree/disagree?
I guess I wanted to ask, how does it feel to joke around in the manner you do? I do too, with close friends - so it's not a criticism. But I guess, I'm sensing more than just joking, maybe I'm reading into this - but it seems to me to be way in which to gain control or power, that seems to be a central theme in the jokes - that's present - maybe not. maybe it's just your humor. I mean what's behind the jokes, what's really going on with you?
Posted by Gabbix2 on December 10, 2005, at 22:55:25
In reply to Re: Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another? » allisonross, posted by one woman cine on December 10, 2005, at 21:13:35
> "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all", to me is a phrase oft told to me by my parents to make sure I was obedient, well-behaved, and always agreeable. Perfect, except it was making me submit to things that were harmful to me as a person. It took away the power of my voice & in my opinion, to all children.
This really hit home with me.
The phrase if you can't say "anything nice"
is meaningless to me.
What's nice? Nice is subjective.
Women still wouldn't have the vote if we'd been NICE
Kindness, and goodness come in many forms.
I've learned other viewpoints, and ways of thinking that are precious because someone took the time to offer me an alternate way of looking at things, rather than just nodding their head and saying nothing.
To me that is a true kindness.I would much rather know clearly how someone feels if they are bothered by something I've said rather than have to read between the lines, of their response or sense that something is "off"
Two of my favourite babblers are people I had strong disagreement with. We talked it through, rather than submitting to a tepid congeniality in order to be 'nice'
And now I have two very close e-friends because of that exchange.I too have been abused, badly, as a child, and for a long time.
I don't see the connection between that, and people not being permitted to say how something I say makes them feel - that I can't hear it because it's too painful for me to be criticized as I've been abused. To me that's a method of gaining control, I would also feel as if I was maintaining my position as a victim.
That's not who I am, the person I am is the person I have become because of this.
The world is not going to stop for me if I announce my past. If I say that I have a need to express myself because of it, than I would not dare assume that the same need is not for everyone, That would infer that they themselves couldn't know pain, like mine.Everyone has a story, most of us have a story that would break your heart, and sometimes those most quiet are the ones in excruciating pain.
****So, just like you have to express yourself, I also must do this.That says it all really, I don't even know why I bothered with the rest.
Posted by one woman cine on December 10, 2005, at 23:20:51
In reply to Re: Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another? » one woman cine, posted by Gabbix2 on December 10, 2005, at 22:55:25
thanks so much for your words. I'm glad you found that this has resonated with someone else as well.
I think as woman (I'm assuming you are), society and other factors make sure we "take care" of people and don't rock the boat. Although I don't wholeheartedly agree
with Alice Miller, i do the like the "Drama of the gifted Child" because so much stuff is perpetrated on kids in the name of good and nice and goodness knows what else.I also value strong dissent, mainly because it forces an internal dialogue within myself, I'm forced to look at the uncomfortable and sit with it. & hopefully make friends at point. It is hard to have a discussion with someone, and I have tried this with various people in the course of my life, who strike me as kind of aggressive or provoking & then they roll over and play dead and accuse me not playing fair. I have a tendency to call colleagues, friends, and family on their stuff - just as they all call me on mine. For example, in conversations with my parents - they used to be so critical of me - as a person. But the slightest statement or reference from me to them brought them to tears. Not fair fighting. I had a friend who would do and say the most provocative things and when you said something , like "hey your poking me in the eye & it hurts", she'd act like I just killed her twin, like "why are you doing this to me". I'm not qualifying this here, in this situation, with respect to PB - but i understand totally where you are coming from.
& yes, we all have a story to tell. Hopefully no one's voice will be silenced if they choose to tell it.
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.