Posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 16:37:55
In reply to Re: Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another? » allisonross, posted by fallsfall on December 10, 2005, at 15:47:22
> Ally,
Dear (((Fallsfall):Thank you so much for taking the time to spend so much time (LOL) to speak with me. I do so appreciate it.
>
> I'm glad you posted and didn't just disappear.I felt the need to be "heard" (as we all do), and authentic.
I almost started a thread to you yesterday, but I'll put my post on your thread, if that's OK with you. I wanted to tell you that I thought that things seemed to be changing with your relationship to the board, and I thought they were positive changes.
>
> You have often said "What do you think about me?".This is/was meant in a joking manner...I will explain; it's the thing when you talk about yourself a lot...and then say: So, enough about ME, what do YOU think about ME?!
I hope that clears it up. I should have put it in context, I guess!
I would like to answer that question. Please know that my answer is from my perspective only and that I have fond feelings for you and would never want to hurt you.
> Thankyou.> I've been on Babble for 2 1/2 years, so I've seen lots of posters come and go. What struck me about your first post was the expansiveness of it. You laid out your life story for us (with references). I found that a little unusual for a first post on Babble, but I wasn't quite sure why. On one hand, I felt like you were saying "Well, I'm here. Now go do this homework (read my sites) so that you will know all about me." I'm sure that's not the way you intended it to come across, but that is how *I* read it. You would also give your life summary in many different posts. Posts that you started, posts that you were responding to. But it was always the SAME summary. There were no details, almost like you had a rote message that you wanted to deliver. So I would read that and say "OK, she had a rough life." and I would wonder how it was affecting you now. It also almost seemed to me like there was a contest to see whose life was worse.
That wasn't my intention.
Our lives are not in competition, our pain is not in competition. If you have pain then I will give you compassion. If I have pain, then I hope that you will give me compassion. Pain isn't something that can be compared - we often say that just because one poster's pain is not as severe, or not as expected, or warranted that doesn't diminish that poster's pain. Everyone has a right to their pain, and to compassion. So I didn't want to play the "whose life has been worse" game. I don't think that you intend me to feel any of these things.
No, I didn't.
And my experience may be different from other peoples', so this post is only about my experience (and my experience probably says more about me than it does about you, anyway...).
>
> I did wonder about your life now. You tell us about your past in a very factual way (I don't hear much emotion about your past).Perhaps because a looooong time ago, I did my homework at processing all that had happened to me, and made peace with it. There are some things one never "gets over" but from my perspective, just learn to live with, and is a part of your life.
Fortunately, I have a resilient spirit.
And since you don't talk much about your life now,I did that my mentioning my divorce and that I am alone after 31 years of abusive marriage; it has only been 5 months. Perhaps you didn't see that.
it has seemed to me that you define yourself by your past.
No, absolutely not. I rarely talk about any of that stuff, because it IS the past, but occasionally it comes up in conversations, I'll talk about it, so that person feels comfortable and can resonate with my stuff,
and since I counsel abused women, it seems I hear the same story over and over, and then I share mine. Then they know they are not alone.
(let me give you a little background on me: I have been disabled with depression for 10 years. I very much identified myself as being depressed. That is who I *WAS*. It wasn't something that happened to be happening - it was my identity) With you, it seemed like your past was your identity.
No...I guess it's easy to misunderstand words on a screen, but that is not me. Want to know what my identity is? I am a dancer, singer, writer...born that way.
I kept waiting to hear about who you are now. What struggles you have now.
I think the only struggle is the healing from the divorce. I HATE being alone (abandoment issues)
Where your life is heading now.
Well, not sure...I just keep on, keepin' on; one second at a time (not one day at a time); the church issue will always be a painful one, also. That is why my poems on my website was such a miracle of healing (for others too),
so I have always been able to make all the ugliness of my life into something positive.
>
> And you have started to sound less rote to me in the last week or two. I'm not sure exactly why, but you seem to be putting more of your personal self into your posts. And I like to see that. Because that gives me a chance to figure out who you are. And I want to figure that out.
>
> You have been kind of vocal about being in love with your therapist. It sounds to me like your therapist is trustworthy, and that he is allowing you to bring into the therapy what you feel you need to. And that he is working with the topics that you bring in. I am not scared that he will take advantage of you, nor that you will take advantage of him.Well, that is a very long story, but the irony is that I have behaved properly always (always want to be refined, etc)...even tho I can behave any way I want. My t (at times) has bent the boundaries; it is something I should address
but not ready to do that right now.
alIt seems important to you to have this upbeat theme in your therapy, and I think that is wonderful. There are others who are not as lucky, however, and I worry that they might read your posts and think that it is OK to be equally forward with their therapists. For some of them it WILL be OK, but not for all. I wonder if some of the other posters would feel more comfortable if you were more vocal about how this is what you need in your therapy, but that you recognize that this kind of behavior could be dangerous for other people who are in other situations. That said, I'm glad that you have something that makes you happy and makes you feel alive. That is critical for all of us. (And I am certainly not complaining that there is a theme to many of your posts - I have a theme myself: mine is ice cream)
Mine is dancing!!
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> So I hope that you will stay around and let us get to know you. I really would like that.I will. Lovely ending. Thank you so kindly. I am so glad we got a chance to chat, and come to a better (I hope) understanding. Unless we reflect what another is saying, we cannot really know what is going on, and you did that
beautifully!
Smiles, Ally
poster:allisonross
thread:587729
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/587846.html