![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 29. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on September 14, 2003, at 16:05:45
I miss my ex-boyfriend so much. God I miss him. I just ache in my heart. There is no end to these tears, and no relief when I shed them. I went to the movies last night with a friend, and all I wanted was to have him next to me again, so I could rest my head on his shoulder. We did that a lot.
I pictured him out on Saturday night with someone new and exciting, not even having the time to think about me. And I'm so tired I don't even want to go anywhere--and I have to work hard to make up places to go to begin with.
He crossed the line, and treated me so badly the last night we were together that I could never trust him again. If I love myself at all I could never justify staying with him unless I minimize what happened--as he did. The only reason to stay would be pure desperation and the absolute belief that there will never be anyone else for me. I'm still not at all unconvinced of that.
The other night my friend and I listened to some bad folk singer bleating out popular songs at a coffeehouse nearby. Still I couldn't sit through the Beatle's, "I Will” without losing it. My friend finally said we had to leave because it was making me cry too much." Will I wait a lonely lifetime...
It's been about three months and I'm still this raw. If I gave into myself I would stay in bed for the rest of my life. He was mean, but I miss him. He was mean, but he was sweet sometimes. He meowed better than any man I've ever met. He had beautiful eyes. I loved his voice. Very deep and film noir. It was almost like he came from another era--with fedoras and cigars and trenchcoats.
Talk about romanticizing the past. Someone slap me before I get the vapors.
Last night I dreamt that he asked me to marry him. It was so real; he called and without any reservation told me clearly and strongly that he wanted to marry him--something he could never seem to do in real life.
But I woke up, unfortunately, and here I am. Will it ever stop? I still think about my first boyfriend, how can I expect to get over my last?
I'm sorry to sound like a love-sick country western song, but that's what I feel like. A walking love-sick country western song.
I really miss him so much, and it's taking every ounce of strength I have not to call him.
Posted by Susan J on September 14, 2003, at 17:20:57
In reply to Hopelessly missing him., posted by kara lynne on September 14, 2003, at 16:05:45
Kara Lynne,
I don't know you and don't know what happened, but your story could be a carbon copy of mine.
>
> He crossed the line, and treated me so badly the last night we were together that I could never trust him again. If I love myself at all I could never justify staying with him unless I minimize what happened--as he did. The only reason to stay would be pure desperation and the absolute belief that there will never be anyone else for me. I'm still not at all unconvinced of that.
<<<Don't stay with him. Whatever it was, was bad enough to shock you into getting away from him. Honor that feeling. There's a reason for it.And I'm sure you'll find someone new. And even if you didn't, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who hurts you/disrespects you/makes you feel worthless....
>>Will I wait a lonely lifetime...
<<Not a lifetime. There will be lonliness, but not forever. Small comfort, that, I know. :-)>
> It's been about three months and I'm still this raw. If I gave into myself I would stay in bed for the rest of my life. He was mean, but I miss him. He was mean, but he was sweet sometimes. He meowed better than any man I've ever met. He had beautiful eyes. I loved his voice. Very deep and film noir. It was almost like he came from another era--with fedoras and cigars and trenchcoats.
<<That's OK to love parts of him. There had to be *something* good about him to make you love him, right? That's fine. But the bad must have outweighed the good, and it's important to know you don't deserve to put up with the bad.> Last night I dreamt that he asked me to marry him. It was so real; he called and without any reservation told me clearly and strongly that he wanted to marry him--something he could never seem to do in real life.
<<I still have dreams like that about my ex. Very annoying. I hate them. Don't want to feel *anything* good for him right now....much easier to be mad and hateful.>
> But I woke up, unfortunately, and here I am. Will it ever stop? I still think about my first boyfriend, how can I expect to get over my last?
<<Me, too. Takes me a long, long time to get over someone.....but it *does* happen.> I really miss him so much, and it's taking every ounce of strength I have not to call him.
<<First instinct I had is to say, don't call! My ex contacted me last week after not speaking for 3 months or so. I *hated* that he tried to creep back into my life. He, too, did something horrible, unforgivable. But apparently he went away with friends for a long weekend, told them what he had done to me, and they slaughtered him for it. He finally sees the error of his ways and sincerely apologized to me. THe healthy thing for me to do would have been to walk away, but then I think the Christian, or at least more evolved thing, would have been to truly forgive someone who sought forgiveness, right?I thought about it a couple of days, and told him he had two choices. Either leave me alone totally, not even hi and bye. Or he could try really hard to fix what he had broken. That would have taken a lot of effort on his part -- apologies, doing things to show his character was being built back up, etc. And he told me he wasn't ready to do those things. He knew he was screwed up and it was all his fault, but he's not healthy enough to be strong like that and repair his character and perhaps my faith in him.
Hurt. But was good to know the honest truth there. There were some good things about him, no doubt. He was the sexiest man I've ever met, too. But he has come to terms with the fact he's not strong enough to be healthy, nor is he anywhere near strong enough to build character. It's one thing to maintain good character, a whole other thing to try and build it from scratch, especially when you don't even know what you are supposed to do/be....
Anyway, if you *do* call, perhaps you'll see he's not all that anymore. Perhaps there's enough emotional distance now to see his flaws more clearly. I don't know that -- only *you* know if you are ready for that, or if it's still early and you'll be drawn back in.
Good luck. You're not weird to still love someone who hurt you. Just try to love yourself even more than you love him. After all, *you* know that *you* are worth it. He's proven, at least for now, that he's not.
Susan
Posted by Sebastian on September 14, 2003, at 18:01:02
In reply to Hopelessly missing him., posted by kara lynne on September 14, 2003, at 16:05:45
What did he do that was so horible? Why do you miss him? Has he called or done anything to show he misses you?
Sebastian
Posted by kara lynne on September 14, 2003, at 18:43:40
In reply to Don't Call! Or Do....Perhaps..... » kara lynne, posted by Susan J on September 14, 2003, at 17:20:57
Hi Susan,
Thank you so much for writing such a thoughtful reply. It means a lot to know that someone understands.I do think it's in my best interest *not* to call right now. Every time I talk to him I feel worse than before. I have gone through a lot to get to this point, and I don't want to sabatoge my 'recovery'.
Oh God. I wrote him an email a few days ago detailing why I couldn't just get together with him casually because he'd been leaving messages. I don't know what his intentions were, but they were just light messages saying he wanted to take me to dinner. Just as I was writing this I got his reply. I'm still shaking from it and feel like I've been all ripped open again. He said from my letter and talking to his therapist he sees that it is 'highly unrealistic' for him to think that we could ever get back together, just like it was highly unrealistic in the past. For us ever to get over our anger and work things out. I did write him back and say that that was the source of my pain; if he had ever put his energy into making things better when we were together it would not have been highly unrealistic.
But he has never even really tried. Up until today his apologies have been riddled with resentment. Today he did say that he was sorry for causing me pain.
I guess I shouldn't have emailed him back, but I'm just at a loss.
Thanks again Susan.
Posted by kara lynne on September 14, 2003, at 19:53:56
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him. » kara lynne, posted by Sebastian on September 14, 2003, at 18:01:02
He became verbally abusive and said horribly cruel things. Then he acted like it was really nothing.
He has called and said he missed me, but he hasn't taken any real steps to working things out. He keeps avoiding taking any responsibility, but then acts like a victim--that it's so sad that he misses me.
Today he said he realized we can never be together.
Posted by galkeepinon on September 15, 2003, at 0:14:05
In reply to Hopelessly missing him., posted by kara lynne on September 14, 2003, at 16:05:45
Hi kara lynne, I hear you!!!! I'm sorry you are going through this right now. And the dreams~yeah they make it all the more real, I'm sorry. I still miss my first boyfriend. I'm still raw after many years. I need to get over it! LOL I tell myself that. years girl!!!, you have the right to grieve over your loss after only 3 months, in my opinion. Of course anyone would be raw after only 3 months~anyone who is human, who has a heart.
I don't know what to say at the moment, except that if you can love someone this much~you will love again. Maybe with him, maybe not. I know it's hard to recall these memories and wish them back~I really do!
Only you can decide to call him or not. Maybe you can call him and tell him how you feel, OR just call him and say hi. I ended up getting in touch with the b/f I spoke of earlier in this post and he is married now~for 8 years. I will never forget him and the memories we shared. I hope you can realize too, that your memories with him are precious and maybe can be something to fall back on when your life gets hectic~of course when you're stronger, only doing this now, may make you feel worse.
Just remember, you will love again, you know how, you did, and maybe there is another guy out there for you. However trite this may sound, think about it...............
You're in my thoughts and hang in there, talk about how you feel.
((hugs))> I miss my ex-boyfriend so much. God I miss him. I just ache in my heart. There is no end to these tears, and no relief when I shed them. I went to the movies last night with a friend, and all I wanted was to have him next to me again, so I could rest my head on his shoulder. We did that a lot.
>
> I pictured him out on Saturday night with someone new and exciting, not even having the time to think about me. And I'm so tired I don't even want to go anywhere--and I have to work hard to make up places to go to begin with.
>
> He crossed the line, and treated me so badly the last night we were together that I could never trust him again. If I love myself at all I could never justify staying with him unless I minimize what happened--as he did. The only reason to stay would be pure desperation and the absolute belief that there will never be anyone else for me. I'm still not at all unconvinced of that.
>
> The other night my friend and I listened to some bad folk singer bleating out popular songs at a coffeehouse nearby. Still I couldn't sit through the Beatle's, "I Will” without losing it. My friend finally said we had to leave because it was making me cry too much." Will I wait a lonely lifetime...
>
> It's been about three months and I'm still this raw. If I gave into myself I would stay in bed for the rest of my life. He was mean, but I miss him. He was mean, but he was sweet sometimes. He meowed better than any man I've ever met. He had beautiful eyes. I loved his voice. Very deep and film noir. It was almost like he came from another era--with fedoras and cigars and trenchcoats.
>
> Talk about romanticizing the past. Someone slap me before I get the vapors.
>
> Last night I dreamt that he asked me to marry him. It was so real; he called and without any reservation told me clearly and strongly that he wanted to marry him--something he could never seem to do in real life.
>
> But I woke up, unfortunately, and here I am. Will it ever stop? I still think about my first boyfriend, how can I expect to get over my last?
>
> I'm sorry to sound like a love-sick country western song, but that's what I feel like. A walking love-sick country western song.
>
> I really miss him so much, and it's taking every ounce of strength I have not to call him.
>
Posted by galkeepinon on September 15, 2003, at 0:20:20
In reply to Re: Don't Call! Or Do....Perhaps.....Susan, posted by kara lynne on September 14, 2003, at 18:43:40
Maybe the email cleared the air~try to see it as that for YOU:-)
I don't know what his intentions were either~only he does obviously. Try to take your power back. He obviously sounds like he is hurting too if he *talking to his therapist he sees that it is 'highly unrealistic' for him to think that we could ever get back together, just like it was highly unrealistic in the past*
I'm gflad he apologized for causing you pain, even though it may make you feel more raw kara lynn. This is good, in my opinion for YOU. This is about you, you can deal with this~I believe in you. You are a great, kind person, I'm sure of it, just hang on:-)
Hang in there:-)
Posted by shar on September 15, 2003, at 0:29:03
In reply to Hopelessly missing him., posted by kara lynne on September 14, 2003, at 16:05:45
>If I love myself at all I could never justify staying with him ........
KL
This is the only thing you need to remember, IMHO.I am sorry for your pain, and, you know, some of the things we remember are not EXACTLY as they happened (esp. the good things....).
Time heals. Remember the important things (ie, the first sentence of this post).
xoxo
Shar
Posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 2:20:38
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him., posted by shar on September 15, 2003, at 0:29:03
It's just that the mind starts to falter, you know? Even though I know I was miserable with him, I started thinking back tonight to the good things, thinking *maybe* it was not all as bad as it seemed that last night... I guess there's a bottom line for everyone. Maybe someone else could have continued in the relationship. Maybe I should have.
This is hell. Really. I don't need to stay in this state any longer, if anyone up above is listening. Either give me what there is to learn or let me go, cause I 'aint staying here no more. If a man tells you you are not worthy of love, even in a fit of anger, and swears mysoginistic epithets; if he spends an hour demeaning you to his therapist the next morning on the phone and you overhear the 'uncensored' version of what he really thinks of you and it's quite devastating-- do you take him back? I was reading back old emails he'd written right after the breakup and he said he was 'willing' to work on things--to try going to therapy. He determined that 'both of us were incredibly fu*ked up" and needed to deal with our issues. That was his apology, and it didn't seem like enough at the time. Maybe I was waiting for something unrealistic, or maybe there was something intelligent guiding me. I honestly can't tell anymore. I was so hurt (but he kept minimizing what had happened) that I just wanted him to really apologize.
But in his email today you would think he'd been at my doorstep everyday with his heart on his sleeve, begging my forgiveness. Only to have me feed back to him the cold harsh reality that we could never be together. And I'm thinking, No! Wait! How did I incur my own abandonment yet again! What happened here?! It's so crazy making. Because I know, in my heart of hearts, that if he'd truly made any effort I would have been there before he finished calling me. And he's making it sound like he did make an effort, and it's my decision to end this relationship--although he is finally agreeing with me. But I *didn't want to end the relationship. I wanted to marry him*. However I am told that would have probably changed nothing either.
God, I just want to call him and have him love me again. But it wouldn't happen, would it.
Posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 2:25:47
In reply to Re: Don't Call! Or Do....Perhaps.....Susan » kara lynne, posted by galkeepinon on September 15, 2003, at 0:20:20
Thank you for your support. I honestly do believe that without the support of the people here tonight I would have called him, and that would have sent me plummeting further. I'm at a dangerous place right now where I can hear myself wanting to ask if he's dating anyone. To know that would crush me. And yet there's that little inner gremlin just saying, 'Pick up the phone, get it over with, you know you need to find out, come on, it'll be really horrible, she'll be 23 and a Playboy Centerfold, and a brilliant artist and a wonderful cook.'
See why I shouldn't be calling anyone--except maybe my therapist? (and not even him, but that's another story.)
((((gal))))
Posted by galkeepinon on September 15, 2003, at 2:52:00
In reply to gal, posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 2:25:47
Posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 4:56:55
In reply to ((((((((((kara lynne)))))))))) hang in there:-) (nm), posted by galkeepinon on September 15, 2003, at 2:52:00
I want to be with him and that I made the wrong decision. Maybe even knowing that I will be able to fall asleep. I can rest in the knowledge that I truly did f*ck everything up. At least there will be no more niggling doubt.
I intensely dislike 3am.
Posted by Susan J on September 15, 2003, at 5:50:31
In reply to Hopelessly missing him., posted by kara lynne on September 14, 2003, at 16:05:45
Hey, you.
Don't call. :-) Perhaps his therapist is telling him it's *highly unrealistic* for the two of you to get back together because the therapist *knows* your ex isn't ready to be in *any* type of healthy relationship.....
Hang in there. You are much stronger than you think...... :-)
Susan
Posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 9:02:50
In reply to I'm almost sure, posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 4:56:55
Kara,
Don't call him.
Don't call him.
He was and is cruel to you. You are lovable, but he's NOT the guy.
Do you have a pdoc who you like? Maybe he could help a little (or at least give you a strategy to get out of a cycle like you are in right now).
We need to get you a therapist. (Ask your pdoc for a referral?)
Stay strong. Don't go back to him because you feel you HAVE to. If you can get calmed down and you still want him back, then we can talk about it. But DO NOT call him when you are feeling this way. Please.
Send me an email. I check email more often than I check the boards (at least I'm TRYING to stay off these boards all day and night...)
Posted by Sebastian on September 15, 2003, at 13:21:49
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him., posted by kara lynne on September 14, 2003, at 19:53:56
Thats a trick; can never be together. You don't want him!
Posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 13:42:21
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him., posted by Sebastian on September 15, 2003, at 13:21:49
Oh how I wish I didn't want him.
Posted by Tabitha on September 15, 2003, at 14:11:33
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him. Sebastion, posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 13:42:21
KL, this might just be a phase of the grief process. I went through a breakup recently, and there was an initial period where I was just glad to be rid of him, didn't miss him at all. Then I REALLY missed him for a while. Then I had a period where all I felt toward him was aversion, just kept dwelling on everything I didn't like about him, couldn't think of a nice thing about him. Now that's passing too.
My point is.. this period of intensely missing him might just change into something else. Hang in there. Your logical, adult judgement tells you you're better off without him. All the rest is just the temporary emotional storms that come with loss.
Posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 18:28:54
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him. , posted by Tabitha on September 15, 2003, at 14:11:33
Thank you Tabitha. Your advice was really helpful last night despite my total and complete loss of mind. I posted over on babble about it just now--I think I finally figured out what is underlying the intense desperation around this. I think I really *am* grieving the loss of him, but it is loaded with some life-long unresolved conflict for me.
I am just praying to get through this without sabatoging myself. I considered there might be some value in calling him, but after talking it over I don't think it would be a good idea. Not in this condition, anyway. I haven't had to endure such a relentless period of desperately wanting to until now, and I hope this is the worst of it. It's hard to keep talking myself through this, telling myself it is not *he* that can fix this.
I hope it changes into something else right quick.
Posted by Tabitha on September 15, 2003, at 19:59:34
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him. , posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 18:28:54
thanks for the feedback KL-- it's nice to know my post was helpful. I answered your thread over on Social. Keep hanging on. You're really doing great-- tolerating all this pain without giving into the urge to call him.
Posted by Sebastian on September 15, 2003, at 21:32:00
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him. Sebastion, posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 13:42:21
You don't or you would have given in?
Posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 21:35:40
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him. Sebastion » kara lynne, posted by Sebastian on September 15, 2003, at 21:32:00
I *think* or hope that the healthy part of me, if there really is one, does not. Unfortunately my needy alter ego has taken over our body and healthy me can't find the way out at the moment.
Posted by Sebastian on September 17, 2003, at 18:31:48
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him. Sebastion, posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 21:35:40
Best thing to do is focus on something else, work, school. Just think of all the reasons you don't want to be with him. You will get over the needy part and eventualy find that others interest you.
Sebastian
Posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 1:58:52
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him. Sebastion » kara lynne, posted by Sebastian on September 17, 2003, at 18:31:48
Thank you for saying that. Right now it feels like I will never be interested in anyone else but him for the rest of my life. Isn't that sickening?
It will help when I get a better job.
Posted by Sebastian on September 19, 2003, at 12:28:08
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him. Sebastion, posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 1:58:52
This type of thing IS what got me a better job and through school. It does take a while each time when there is a long relationship that had strong feelings at some point. Mine ended 2 years ago, only now have I the guts to even look somewhat interested in a girl.
Posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 22:35:27
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him. Sebastion » kara lynne, posted by Sebastian on September 19, 2003, at 12:28:08
Hey Sebastion,
Thanks for your hopeful post. I'm glad things worked out for you and you became an even healthier Sebastion. Do you think it's because breaking up made you think more about what you really wanted or needed to do with your life? More than if you had stayed with her? How long were you together? Why did you break up?My problem is that I want to be a better person so that *he'll* see. I know that's sickening; I hope it goes away.
Sigh. Two years? I can't imagine how long it's going to take me.
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Grief | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.