Posted by alexandra_k on April 25, 2005, at 1:58:13
In reply to Crap crap crap, posted by alexandra_k on April 25, 2005, at 1:15:46
And now I've gone and done it and started this. Better to get it out while it occurs to you - right? I don't know. Maybe. But if Damos can do it I can too.
It didn't occur to me till I was 14. My homegroup leader from church got a little too attached to me. Nothing really happened. We went away on camp. His wife had just had a baby so she didn't come (cringe). He would hold my hand and put his arm around me. And he held me by the fire. And he kissed me. And then said that it looked like I was going to cry. And I was. I was so terribly confused. But nothing happened really (physically) - but emotionally it messed me up big time.
His wife kind of figured that something was up. The other kids in the homegroup (who came to the camp as well) kept talking about us going on walks together and doing stuff together and so on and so forth. And so she phoned me and asked me what was going on and I say nothing. Nothing is going on. And then over that weekend I thought about it. And thought about it. And was really confused and everything. I really really liked him. And I wanted to be special to him. And I decided - I remember it really was a conscious decision that I did want to be with him and that I would do whatever I needed to do (adult relationship wise). But of course he ended up talking to his wife. And not being allowed to talk to me. And I'd phone him at work and he kind of talked to me once. But the next time I rang he told me not to phone him anymore. And I was seeing a councellor from the church around that time and she started asking me what was going on what was going on. And I told her nothing. And then she said that she had started seeing him and his wife for therapy to help their marriage survive because marriage was sacred or whatever and took priority over me. And she grilled me for details but it wasn't to help me it was to help their marriage and then she terminated me.
And afterwards it kind of occurred to me that if I hadn't looked like I was going to cry the whole situation would have turned out differently. And I gave myself a hard time for being such a baby and losing him.
And then almost a year later a similar situation arose at camp. With the program director (leader there). And I remembered the other situation and thought I had learned my lesson from that and that things would turn out differently that time. But anyway I won't go there and I really am raving.
But it occured to me that if my father had wanted that from me and I pleased him then maybe he wouldn't have left me. I feel really bad and yuk writing that. I feel bad because I never was sexually abused (aside from this kind of stuff) and now I know enough about it to know that you wouldn't wish it on anybody - but anyway, thats what I thought.
And now my p-doc goes and terminates me. I don't exactly feel sexually attracted to him or anything like that, but the same thought occurs to me. He didn't even seem to LIKE me very much. Well, he seemed kind of interested in my case to start with but he seemed to get bored with me and I just couldn't compare to his news of his promotion.
And well I suppose I am just one severely f*cked up individual etc etc.
I don't know if that has anything to do with my recent obsession or not. But that is what occured to me. For what it is worth.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:489108
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050419/msgs/489117.html