Posted by SLS on October 27, 2009, at 14:54:13
In reply to Re: suicide, posted by Impermanence on October 27, 2009, at 13:55:46
I don't think you are letting anyone down just because you are not jumping for joy. I think many of us recognize the horrific thoughts and feelings that currently invade your consciousness.
Depression can be a real pain in the @ss. It forms a self-perpetuating cycle. Depressed feelings lead to depressed thoughts which lead to depressed feelings which lead to depressed thoughts... etc. If alcohol can have such a deleterious effect on your mood, perhaps a biological treatment with antidepressant drugs will be necessary to dissolve the depression. It might break the depressive cycle for you.
My guess (only a guess) is that you have not exhausted all the treatment possibilities that are now available, whether they be biological or psychological. Of course, these things don't mean very much if you really don't recognize that life might be worth living if things were to change for you. It is obvious in your writing that you do recognize the possibility that life can be worth living. You just might not believe that this applies to you. It takes a certain amount of bravery to follow through with an act of suicide. However, it takes much more bravery to commit to living - and endeavoring to live well. I sense that you do have some positive energy left to work with. You might as well use it to pursue life. You always have the right to make choices as you go along. If you choose to live another day, you have not necessarily committed to living another week or month or year.
I would like nothing better than to have the power to convince you to continue living and promise you the secrets of how to pursue a life that is rich and rewarding. Since I have no such power, I will have to settle with writing this short note and hope that you can find something useful and positive in it. I can guarantee you very little except that your future is uncertain. In other words, you cannot be certain that your life will remain intolerable and unrewarding. Uncertainty can breed hope if looked at this way.
For today, I hope that you find a place that is tolerable and safe.