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Re: suicide

Posted by Impermanence on October 27, 2009, at 9:27:29

In reply to suicide, posted by Impermanence on October 26, 2009, at 3:22:23

I'm still alive.

I'm so surprised at the amount of beautiful supporting comments I've received.

I rang a suicide helpline yesterday and spoke to a wonderful, intelligent, highly compassionate and empathic 70 year old man for two hours. He advised me to hold of an talking any more diazepam which is the emotionally numbing crap that created such apathy and a need to die in the first place.

He asked me to keep ringing back every two hours, which I did.

Today I still have a lot of drink, weed and diazepam in my bedroom, I really want to get drunk again today.

I just bumped into my father in the hallway and he ranted about me being acting strangely lately, he was unnecessarily aggressive, very intimidating, not realising he's an abusive bulling bastard and has pushed me around my whole life, and even beaten me numerous times just because I was quietly drinking in my bedroom minding my own business, and he wonders why I'm so nervous and need sedatives, beer and weed to cope. He doesn't have the capacity to understand I'm a very sensitive artistic sort of chap, not the hard *ss sports man he was, he seriously lacks wisdom and intelligence, and just cannot understand the reality and magnitude of this situation.

It's not his fault, he was bullied all his life also by his abusive father, and I'm also adopted, not the same genes, we're like chalk and cheese.

I'm still pondering what to do, I'd love to be able to cry but I feel so emotionally withdrawn, I cheer myself up by listening to Chopin, watching 30 Rock and understanding as soon as I stop drinking and get back in the gym, everything will be fine.

But what's the point really? Infinite nothingness seems so attractive right now, a few minutes of panic as I loose consciousness and the peace, no more fear.

I don't know, I'm a little confused right now, but I did survive yesterday and knowing you beautiful people on this forum give a sh*t and understand really makes me feel warm inside. Thank you so much for your kind words.

And again I'm so sorry if I upset any of you, I really didn't intend to.

BTW what is babble mail? An email client for this forum? I have no idea. I may use it if somebody would be kind enough to explain.





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