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Re: stove top espresso

Posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2014, at 21:57:12

In reply to Re: stove top espresso, posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2014, at 20:49:50

i don't know what's wrong with me. except that i'm different from most people and they don't understand me at all and my life is very painful, mostly, i think, because of that.

canberra was different because most of the people were more like me. people do joke about how it is a boring place and the uni is good there because there is nothing to do but study in canberra... but i think the truth of it is that it is such a wonderful place to go study because the people who are there purportedly to study are really there to study. precisely because it is notoriously dull etc... the people who are there for academic purposes really are there for academic purposes. people go to sydney or melbourne or auckland or wellington or where ever in order to justify holidays... so you get a lot more... pretense... a lot more sh*t where people give talks that are years old or that are adapted versions of lectures given to undergraduates or whatever... and everyone makes pretend it is all honest and serious and legitimate work... but really it is about a holiday or about keeping a +1 happy or...

i'm sure there are lots of research-y people. working behind swipe card accessed buildings... with their own cafes and group areas. with their own individual offices. with their own laboratories. all of it hidden away behind swipe card access so people can get work done and also relax... without jumping everytime someone squeals or yips or whistles or stomps... and these people live on the hills in the surrounding suburbs... again... away from the whistling yelpers... and it is quite a nice life, really...

and that is the horror of starting over. of discovering... of rediscovering... life with no power...

i remember the conversations i had with the students who got B's or B+'s even for Ethics... the kids who were all like 'but I need an A for med. I won't get into med without an A'. and all i could say was 'well, i'm sorry, but things were made pretty clear at the start of the year that this wasn't the course to take for an easy pass... it is a competitive course for majors with an eye to (after a couple years) getting a good reference for grad school out of the departmental chair...' and then the bit that chemistry guy just did to me 'A B+ is a really wonderful grade really given the competition. you should be proud of that'. and you act like it is a terrific grade and eventually they catch that and somehow forget that their chances of med have been shattered because of it.

happened to me.

i see it for what it is...

only... for the class i taught... they had every opportunity (really very genuinely). like... like law. it is oh so very f*ck*ng clear what you are expected to know... the only issue is how many hours do you have to spend doing it? because it is a sh*t ton of work. so if it is your priority... you will probably come out with an A. because there aren't many with that as their priority. but if it isn't your priority then you are sh*t out of luck.

only... with chem... i don't feel that i was given opportunity. any attempt to ask for help was met with 'if you can't even rearrange an equation better drop out now' or whatever... whatever... whatever...

i think the diazepam is affecting me differently from usual. i didn't think i'd need to but i think i might take another one tonight. i'm actually... scared of me right now. scared for me. something. i see doc again on monday... the misson clinic really has been really very wonderful to me. seeing me on very short notice... with bugs. then again over this... i'm still getting to know the doc... but anyway... i'm scared that i'm losing my sh*t... i'm scared.




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