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Re: stove top espresso

Posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2014, at 20:49:50

In reply to Re: stove top espresso, posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2014, at 17:41:37

Everything just hurts too much, sometimes. Any noise is excruciating. Actually, that isn't quite true. Any people noise is excruciating. The worst is the high pitched happy excited to see you sounds that teenage girls make when they meet each other. Other people do it too, but they do it most intensely.

I feel like part of me inside has died. I've done so much cringing away from that... From their noises. I don't know how to get them to tune it down. To stop.

Going out becomes excruciating because I'm expected to interact with people. From the silent version of precisely the same thing with people who walk past... From any interaction with shop assistants...

Some people really do seem to get their energy from interacting with other people. I can't find my energy unless other people leave me alone. So I can find it from within. I can't focus on within when I have to attend to them all the time. At the gym I feel like people want to steal my energy. When they see me start to get energized they come in close and suck it away from me. Demand that I interact with them in some way. Distract me. I feel like I'm on a wobble board and I could manage without all the jostly people jostling and unbalancing me all the time.

I think probably around 90 or even 95 or even 98.5 percent of the people are fine. they can see from little things like my averting my eyes and my obviously putting myself as far away from everyone as possible (to minimise repulsions) that i just want to be left to do my thing... But there is always... persistently... just one or two or a group of 6 or 8 who have to ruin things for me.

I found the courage to go out and buy some stuff. Not back to the supermarket... That will take some time... But to a Chinese market... It wasn't pleasant, but it was okay. I think (I really do think) that they turn up their nose rather at anyone who isn't chinese. Laugh amongst themselves in chinese while they are serving... But whatever... Then to a cafe / restaurant kind of place to get something for lunch. Takeaway... Because I couldn't bear...

So I'm sitting at a table waiting... And starting to enjoy / relax into the atmosphere. Starting to think that actually I could take study stuff and study there. Music I like in the background. Perfect volume. Nice decor, actually, with lots of plants.

Then this guy comes up and is like 'mind if I sit here' and I'm like 'go ahead' without thinking. And he's flipping through a menu. And then he's like 'are you from around here'. And I'm averting my eyes from him as best I can and... Fairly sure... Fairly visibly upset by his presence, actually. 'Sort of'. Then he says he's getting a massage and 'Are you from around here'. And I'm like 'I'm really just thinking about stuff and I want to sit here quietly'. And then a guy (chef probably) came out from back for a minute... And I realise that... Not cool, actually.

And I realise that sh*t like that always happens to me. Because you can't walk around by youself as a female. Not without the dregs of society buddying up to you wanting to be your friend. Not leaving you alone. We must all live like animals. I swear.

And so of course I'm going to hole up... And who knows how many days before I'll go out...




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