Posted by tootercat on June 27, 2008, at 17:18:06
In reply to Re: i'm the worst... » karen_kay, posted by Dinah on June 26, 2008, at 10:57:43
>>"People we love tons are people we can be deeply hurt by, or feel slighted by, or whatever. The emotions are magnified many times moreso then by some stranger on the street. You can never have love without pain. I'd like to copyright that last statement..as I know it quite well. Always smiling and pretty and lovely families are found on t.v. Not in the real world. Yes, there are moments, indeed, hopefully lots of them, but otherwise one day we are bathed in light, one night carried away in storms."<<
Well said Jay!
Dinah - I left a marriage almost 5 years ago with a man who was -charming, handsome, funny, affectionate, dependable, cash register honest, and at that time a very important thing - sober.
It worked for 10 years - 7 of which we were married.So you ask - you left? Are you crazy? NO! It was the sanest thing I have ever done in my life!
The way he spoke to me , especially when his ego was involved, was nothing less than cruel and disrespectful. If there was a conflict it was all or nothing and it was usually my fault (of course) and I shared deep issues and feelings with him that were eventually thrown in my face when he was upset with me. His idea of taking care of having to deal with throwing out an accumulation of stuff in our garage was not to go through it and make it something positive..it was *&*^^! I'm gonna take all of this out in the driveway and light a match!
We did not have a sex life to speak of....that was a major bone of contention as well....we went to counseling...I think he thought I would get fixed and would be ready to "go for it" Who wants to be involved in life's most vulnerable and hopefully most loving and imtimate act with someone who doesn't really respect you? And who thinks that sex is the only way to be intimate?
The final straw for me was when an argument got way out of hand (over a clogged drain mind you)and I ended up almost dying at his hands. There are detailed reasons as to why I didn't call the cops and/or leave him then and there.
What I learned from my marriage and the experience of almost dying because of an argument, a stupid one at that, is that I needed to change me. I had to deal with my own anger issues (which helped escalate the almost deadly argument though I didn't deserve to have that done to me.)
I learned that I can express myself (including anger, fear, and hurt) in a way that isn't blaming; is mindful of MY feelings, and to do it when not in heat but in a calm manner but not too long after the conflict has happened other wise it is often not even remembered by the other party. I learned that being passive aggressive can be deadly.
I DID NOT learn anything positive from my family of origin - or my extended families (step parents)
I finally started to even want to learn a new way after i finally got sick of having so many UNHEALTHY relationships that were a result of my unconscious choosing of people and situations that were familiar! My "picker" was broken because I didn't know that the answers and solutions had to come from me in order to make better choices and to learn to respect myself in a way that I wasn't for most of my life. And this means change which is the most horrible non four letter word in most people's vacaulary. Even good change is stressful.
It isn't easy! Notice I say isn't not wasn't> I am still awork in progress. I can say this....I like and love my life a whole lot more than I ever have.
I am married again. I have a man in my life who loves me, likes me, respects me, and boy does he flip my switch! Some of our MOST intimate experiences, however, with each other are NOT in the bedroom!
Is life perfect? No. I am human he is human and life happens. Feelings happen..egos happen. Do we scream and talk around each other? no to screaming..yes sometimes to talking around...then we, mosttimes, stop and say...I'm sorry and mean it. and take turns listening and talking.
sorry to babble on....Relationships of all kinds, other family members, friends, even strangers, require us to be respectful to others and to ourselves and that sometimes means closing the door on an unhealthy situation if both parties are not willing to listen and make necessary compromise or change..
I hope you find some answers for yourself with respect to your relationship with your husband.
Your long-winded Babble MIA,
Pam (toots)
poster:tootercat
thread:836210
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080601/msgs/836834.html