Posted by Dinah on June 26, 2008, at 10:54:07
In reply to Re: I must be naive » Dinah, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on June 26, 2008, at 8:42:12
I guess I still don't understand *why*.
My parents... Well, they didn't control their anger very well in or out of the home. Not that they got in brawls or anything. Well, verbal brawls maybe for my mother. She's had a few Jerry Springer moments. But they were certainly angry everywhere, so it seemed like they really couldn't control it. I got no worse than perfect strangers really. Maybe they treated each other worse. Or my brother. But the anger that came my way was their everyday anger that was the same with everyone.
My husband is a person who attracted me because of his charm, sense of humor, and ability to laugh. Thirteen years of courtship confirmed that. My mother tried to point out hints of other things in relationship to animals, or towards his mother and grandmother, but I thought she just didn't want to lose her little girl. At work, everyone thinks he's the most agreeable, easygoing, and diplomatic person in the world. At home I'd never call him easygoing. But for the most part he's funny, brilliant, honorable, and respectful. When he's under stress, though, he's angry a lot, and tends to notice the admittedly numerous faults we might exhibit. And while we're all well aware that we don't meet his standards as a general rule, when he's under stress doesn't point this out with the kindness and respect I expect to receive from my partner. It's clearly not beyond his control. If I were a coworker he'd treat me more respectfully.
I dunno. I guess I tend to live by the same civility rules as apply at Babble. They seem natural to me. I wasn't always respectful to my mother growing up, but for the most part only in response to disrespect. And I wasn't as respectful as I should have been to my brother. Now that I'm older, I really regret that and have apologized and now am careful to be respectful.
Certainly I always strive to be respectful to my husband and son. I love them. They're the most important things in the world to me. Why would I want to take my anger out on these beloved souls? Especially in a way I would not treat those less close to me?
It's not that I don't care. I care a lot. And I'm not even talking about the occasional flareup caused by relationship issues, although I don't see why those can't be discussed in a way that will build and strengthen a relationship rather than damage or destroy it. I don't see why everything can't be discussed in that way.
I don't understand, and I don't think I'll ever understand. Words spoken in anger are contagious, and hopefully words spoken with peace are also contagious. I'm not sure it's as contagious though.
I don't wish to speak disrespectfully of him. 95% of the time he is a wonderful husband, who can't really help being more responsible and clever than I am. And he is never ever ever physically abusive, or even verbally abusive. I know how lucky I am. I just don't particularly understand this point, and while my husband and I have discussed it many times, he's never been able to explain it in a way I understand.
poster:Dinah
thread:836210
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080601/msgs/836548.html