Posted by Dinah on November 12, 2004, at 17:53:07
And actually willing to consider actually doing something. :(
I have come to a major crossroads with my mother. She is so absolutely opposed to doing anything to make my father safer.
She claims that a hospital bed would clutter her house too much (this from a major hoarder who has most of the house clogged up) despite the fact that my father has been falling a lot and has cuts and scrapes all over himself.
She is adamantly opposed to hiring more help or placing him in a home. Yet he is now incontinent, and only marginally able to clean himself. She is perfectly ok with letting him lay in his filth until the person they hired three times a week next comes in. The nurse at the hospital adamantly agreed that they can't do this alone and need daily help. Moreover, my mother is completely unwilling to physically help him. I can't really blame her for that. As a diabetic, she does have to be careful, and she'd not in good health herself. But if she can't do it, she needs to ensure that it is done by someone. She screams that they can't afford it, and I thought spittle would start coming out of her mouth when I suggested selling some real estate they have if necessary.
Both of them are accusing me of being a shameful neglectful daughter. And I'm sorry, but I'm not emotionally able to wipe my father's behind. Plus I have a job, and I can't take off from it indefinitely to do it, even if I thought I could handle it.
My father sort of acknowledges that he needs the extra help, but is sort of afraid of my mother. (It's mutual. She's sort of afraid of him too.) I'm not sure he'll go against her to hire more help or insist on being placed in a facility.
I can't even believe her attitude, the way she jumps against anything that could help him. I'm beginning to think I *wasn't* overreacting when I call her evil.
I can see some things I can do. I'm accompanying them to the doctor next Tuesday. I'm planning on telling him all about it, sparing no time on niceties. But if he declines to be active about it (as he has in the past) I'm weighing a few alternatives.
I could talk to my mother's brothers and sisters. Her behavior is so clearly outrageous that perhaps they could exert some influence on her.
I could talk to her pastor for the same reason.
Or I could call in the authorities to report a case of elder neglect. They'd probably get her for her hoarding at the same time. We might even make the news. :( But I really hate to go that far, and my father is such a loudmouth that it might be hard to convince anyone he's a victim.
But he's got sores all over from falling and also from fluid retention causing his shoes to scrape him, and it seems to me that he's a prime candidate for sepsis should he get fecal matter in the cuts. I don't see that I have any alternative but to do something extreme. I *do* think it's neglect. And more, I think it's shocking selfishness even from a woman I knew was selfish to the core.
I'm not sure I ever ever ever want anything more to do with her when my father is gone.
I'm a bit afraid that the authorities won't do anything. My previous attempts at disclosing the family secrets haven't yielded a great deal in the way of results.
poster:Dinah
thread:415167
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041105/msgs/415167.html