Posted by Penny on February 4, 2004, at 15:31:52
How do you do it?
As I've said before, I don't date. I've been on a handful (maybe) of dates, but, for the most part, I don't date.
And I'm pretty darn close to convincing myself that maybe, just maybe, I don't even care if I date or not. Or if I ever get married. Or ever have children. And so on.
But deep down, I know that's not true. Because even if I never marry (and I know it's not the end-all and be-all of life), I do want to have kids, but I don't want to have kids when I've never overcome this paralyzing fear I have of being involved with someone. Of opening up to someone. Of actually accepting that maybe (and I can't even believe I'm going to write this) someone might be (gasp) attracted to me.
And I know - I KNOW - that it all boils down to the fact that I just plain don't like myself. I don't like myself now, I didn't like myself when I was 10, I didn't like myself after losing 35 lbs. I just don't like myself. And, even worse, I don't love myself either.
My T claims this is changable. My former T did as well, and my pdoc seems to agree. So how, might I ask, is it changable? Because I'll be darned if I can get a straight answer from anyone. And no positive self-talk responses, please... (Actually, feel free to respond however - it's just that I don't really think repeating 'You're lovable' over and over to yourself works.)