Posted by fallsfall on December 29, 2003, at 8:59:45
In reply to Ex called my parents., posted by kara lynne on December 29, 2003, at 1:25:44
Kara,
You were doing so well, and you will be doing well again very soon. He makes you (justifiably) angry. The anger will let you break free of him.
Why did he call your parents and make himself sound like a saint? Because he can't live with himself unless HE thinks that he IS a saint. And right now you are challenging that view he has of himself. He figures that if he were a saint then you would have come running back to him - proving his saintliness. But you didn't run back - you have challenged him. He is no longer in control - and boy does he need to be in control. So he needs to make sure that at least the rest of the world sees him as saintly - maybe they will try to convince you, or maybe he can better dismiss your rebellion if he has 2456 people who agree that he is a saint.
This is ALL about his ego. Nothing else. He doesn't want you any more than he ever has. He only wants you to support his ego. Nothing will be different if you were to go back to him.
You ARE seeing this. You ARE seeing his manipulation. You ARE getting angry. As you should. Stay with your objective view - see him for what he is. He wants to control you and to have you for what he needs. He doesn't have any desire (or probably any idea, even) to fill any of your needs.
Move past him. He will only hurt you more.
You deserve better. Even NO relationship is better than what you had with him. Forge on! Find YOUR life. Sounds scary, doesn't it - but I know that you can do it. One step at a time. And the first step is to leave him behind.
((((((((((Kara))))))))))
P.S. There is a certain resonance between his need to be saintly and in control with you, and my need for those same things with my first therapist. Today in therapy, he will try to get me to accept that I played a role (i.e. that I have fault) in the demise of my first therapy. This is what your Ex will not accept. I'll let you know how that goes. Then you may have a better idea of what magnitude of change he would need to make - and you know he isn't going to make those changes.
poster:fallsfall
thread:294220
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031229/msgs/294269.html