Posted by kara lynne on July 19, 2003, at 1:23:22
In reply to Re: And then she blew it. » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on July 18, 2003, at 23:21:54
my moment of stupidity. I felt so bad after reading the posts supporting my moment of strength.
I am trying to regain control of the wheel, here. Luckily (?) he's doing such a piss poor job of making an effort I think I'll be able to resist his declarations of undying love. God, I'll really take any scrap. He had me spoon feeding it to him---and then he took a nice chunk out of my hand.
The irony is that he was responding to my email the *moment* I called him. So I could have just let it be, although he'd told me his email was down and he kept leaving those messages. It's hard for me to keep hearing his voice--his innocent inquiries and sadness about missing me. I'm so damn good as long as I'm not there. It is truly mind blowing.
I'm not going back to him. He's still not asking me to go back. Maybe it was good I talked to him, because I asked him to clarify exactly what he wanted or intended to do about missing me---a big, fat NOTHING. Maybe a little bickering, or a power struggle. But he couldn't just do it. He couldn't just sustain whatever it was he was missing long enough make it matter.
I don't know what he was thinking. He said he wanted to engage simply at first--that it wasn't the right time to go diving right in to that important stuff. So we could talk about his new house, or his new book, or his new friends.
Was I wrong to come on so strong? He acted so clueless. It's hard to believe he really wouldn't know what happened, or what to do about it.
He said he asked me to marry him the night of the pig, c*** tirade. Isn't that something? I musta missed it! He *did* want to marry me. Somewhere along the line in that conversation he *conceded* to the idea of marrying me, but it was more like a child agreeing to eat his peas as long he's promised his ice cream afterward. He said he felt pushed. I asked-- if the agreement was that we get married after three months of living together--how, after two years, this could be construed as pushing.
Well I guess I just wasn't light hearted enough. He kept saying he couldn't understand what happened; how our two perceptions could have been so drastically different that night. I guess he didn't mean it when he told me to pack my things and leave at one in the morning?
He said he truly wished that that evening and the phone conversation I overhead the next day had never happened.
But he still wouldn't, couldn't say the words-- it would have been so easy. Too easy. I wanted so much to be able to say, "I'm coming over." I miss him so, so much.
He says I'm the only woman he's ever loved. My therapist asked, What good has it done you?
poster:kara lynne
thread:243088
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/243404.html